The Eidos Purchase - a hyperbolic perspective.

[weemadando]

What follows is my visionary and cautionary tale of what will come to pass as Square Enix takes over the reins on some of gaming's most beloved franchises.

Hitman 5: Penultimate Zeigeist of Kings
We join Number 47 in his latest adventures, his trademark black suit now features many chains, buckles and pouches. Jesper Kyd is replaced by Nobuo Uematsu on soundtrack duties. The opening cutscene is 12 hours long and features at least 8 hours of longing staring by 47 at love interest. His first mission is given: "Assassinate John Smith, local drug lord", you attempt it but fail miserably as you get defeated time and time again by the first guard you encounter. You try and try and try again, each time being doomed to a half hour cutscene showing your pitiful demise to swelling orchestral chords. A hint box pops up: "If you are having trouble, try levelling up before the fight." You spend the next 12 hours hunting rats for XP. Then, once you have enough levels to face off against the boss safely, you try once more and as soon as you come face to face with the boss the game goes to a cutscene and you die of sleep deprivation before it is over. And that's just the first level.


Deus Ex 3: Crystalline Dreams of Oepdipal Schadenfraude in the Sky
JC Denton returns in this thrilling turn based RPG. Progress through more than 2000 hours of content, of which only 2 are actually relevant! Watch as JC Denton's hair becomes blonder, taller and more outrageous in style with each level gained! Thrill to canned combat animations featuring a sword 5 times taller than Sears Tower! Remain disengaged and impassive for hours on end as you watch cutscenes! Go and make a cup of tea - they're still going! Walk the dog too - this might be a while, he's still crying about that girl, you know, the one who got ganked by that guy who was totally evil, but JC Denton was obilivious to. Actually, you should probably get some sleep now, we lost enough people with the first boss cutscene in Hitman. It's OK, by the time you wake up and get back from work tomorrow, he'll almost be done crying. Sure there's nano-tech and the ability to restore her to perfect health using technology, but don't question the writers - she's dead. She was stabbed in the middle of the hospital ER by the badguy and she's dead. Now stop poking holes in our plot and watch more cutscenes because you're asking too many questions.


Thief X-12.2s9 (paragraph 4)
Garrett travels through time to help popular Disney characters defeat the evil ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Innovative and revolutionary new controls for the series mean that you can only move in one axis at any given time! This changes the entire dynamic of the genre as the controls suddenly become another layer of depth which you need to conquer in order to become the new spirit of Christmas.


Tomb Raider: Underworld
Lara Croft battles her way through yet another adventure, coming face to face with her arch-nemesis - herself. The pseudo-mysticism kicks up a notch as she battles her doppelganger for . . . Wait a minute, that was the last Tomb Raider game.

[Nephtys]

To level up JC Denton's abilities, you need to use Nano-Spheres in a Nanosphere Grid, to unlock new powers. Also, asymmetrical pants.

[Stark]

It's funny because Hitman and Deus Ex suck anyway and Thief was ruined by Eidos years ago.

[Mr Bean]

Thief X-12.2s9 (paragraph 4)
Thief X-12.2s9 (paragraph 4)
Garrett travels through time to help popular Disney characters defeat the evil ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Innovative and revolutionary new controls for the series mean that you can only move in one axis at any given time! This changes the entire dynamic of the genre as the controls suddenly become another layer of depth which you need to conquer in order to become the new spirit of Christmas.

The problem with this is I'm very interested in the first bit, the second bits make me sad, but where I a manager I'd approve it after reading the first sentence.

[weemadando]

It's funny because Hitman and Deus Ex suck anyway and Thief was ruined by Eidos years ago.

Hey wow, that was kind of my point.

[Zixinus]

You forgot to include another Legacy of Kain game.

[Vendetta]

You forgot to include another Legacy of Kain game.

Legacy of Kain games are already pretentious waffle driven crap with gameplay designed by seven year olds. Not even Tetsuya Nomura could "improve" them.

[Zixinus]

Soul Reaver and Blood Omen were decent. It was after those that the franchise were created to be increasingly stupid. Soul Reaver was meant to be a finished game: you kill Kain and that would be the end of the story. However, they instead decided for a sequel that turned stupid.

Then Razriel somehow decided that he doesn't want to kill Kain and then temporal shittamabomb got involved and everything sank down to shit.

But don't think Eidos won't put a weasel into a dead horse's mouth, just to bang a few more bucks.

[Ford Prefect]

Penultimate Zeitgeist of Kings and Crystalline Dreams of Oepdipal Schadenfraude in the Sky are awesome titles, and I'm stealing them from you, Ando.

[Phantasee]

But don't think Eidos won't put a weasel into a dead horse's mouth, just to bang a few more bucks.

That is a hilarious image. Putting a weasel into a dead horse's mouth, eh? Crazy Hungarians!

[weemadando]

Penultimate Zeitgeist of Kings and Crystalline Dreams of Oepdipal Schadenfraude in the Sky are awesome titles, and I'm stealing them from you, Ando.

Not if Square Enix have actually got those puppies trademarked.

As for thinking of them, I just went: "what would a ridiculous subtitle for a FF game be. And then I went: "Right, that's good, add some more crazy. Now change a word so it makes even less sense. And now add a further statement."

[Ford Prefect]

Ironically, Final Fantasy games rarely have subtitles. A couple have - the remake of FF: Tactics was 'War of the Lions', for example. Shit man, I would write a story just so I could call it 'Penultimate Zeitgeist of Kings'!

[Ryushikaze]

The only FF titles I can recall with subtitles- off hand, mind you- are War of the Lions, Grimiore of the rift, the FF7 compilation titles depending on how you look at the names, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories and FFIV: The After: Return of the moon.
Oh and the Chocobo's Mysterious dungeon game, but that's something like 'Cid and Chocobo and the town of memories', hardly the screwed up nonsense mush you suggested. The new FF Fable title has another, something like 'The Princess, the hero, and the five books' or something.

Which were awesome, BTW. I'd love to see the stories those titles are relevant to.

Also, with a name like Thief X-12.2s9 (paragraph 4), it ought to be about corporate white collar thievery.

[Vendetta]

It's Dragon Quest games where they like to have subtitles. And Star Ocean games. Enix, basically.