Following the reveltionation that Zicam kills your sense of smell, perhaps you're hoping for a more discerning form of homeopathy. None of this medieval ages stuff with brand names slapped on, and 'homeopathic' hidden on the bottle for you, you want the proper stuff for the Nuclear Age!
Fear not, my woo-loving friend, we present you with homeopathic Plutonium, now availiable at select Chemists.
If you can handle dreams of sharks, perhaps that's for you.Where in London can one purchase plutonium? In Covent Garden, at the Helios Homeopathy shop.
Dr Fiona Barclay, a chemist at RGB Research in west London, made this discovery. Her company specialises in selling collections of the periodic table elements (with the exception of those elements that are illegal or are so very short-lived - a few seconds or less - that they invite frustration). Some elements are easy to purchase: carbon, sulphur, iron. For others, one can turn to eBay, where arsenic, uranium (in the form of uranium-tipped missiles), and other elements of ill repute are commonly on offer.
But plutonium proved hard to find ... until Barclay turned to Google, which directed her to the Helios shop. She explains what happened next:
"I went to Covent Garden and went into the shop and said, 'Please, may I have some plutonium.' And the lady behind the counter said, 'I shall fetch the chemist.'
"The chemist was duly fetched, and I said, 'I'd really like a sample of plutonium.' She asked, 'And how strong would you like it, madam?'
"I had gone in there with the very good intention of asking what their original source was, because it's my understanding that, although they dilute everything until there's not even a molecule left, they do start off with one drop. But I got frazzled, and forgot to ask.
"The chemist gave me pillules, which very entertainingly have a 'best before' date of the 31st of March, 2013. And as I was leaving she pointed out that there was no plutonium in it.
British citizens are not limited to the one source. Freeman's Homeopathic Pharmacy offers "plutonium nitricum", also listed as "plutonium nit", for sale on its website. It also sells "Pan troglodytes (chimpanzee hair)", peach, peanut, pelican, "petrol and diesel fumes", "pig dust", "pig hair", and "placenta (human Welsh)".
Those are just nine of the 184 available items with names that begin with the letter "p". The firm offers homeopathic medicines from all the other letters of the alphabet, too. And yes, you can get uranium nit.
Helios, too, has a website. It offers four tablets of plutonium (236) nitricum for £4.06, but notes that "Helios remedies are without therapeutic indications".
Where can one go for therapeutic indications about medicinal plutonium? Provence, France.
In 2005, Dr Ramon Frendo of that city wrote one of the few existing monographs on the subject. Published in the Revue Belge d'Homoeopathie, it describes two patients whom Frendo treated with plutonium nit. One was a 59-year-old woman who had delusions and "had dreams about sharks", the other a 39-year-old who "hated her mother but could not leave her" and who "also dreams of sharks".
This followed by a year a related Frendo study called Guano, which appeared in the same journal, but which, perhaps inevitably, because of the sexiness of the plutonium paper, no longer gets its fair share of attention.
Too macroscopic? A little uncertain(Bad joke, I know.)? Don't worry, for you, research is underway on quantum homeopathy! Guaranteed to render you unable to know if you took the treatment and if you are better at the same time!
Not enough? Still have the sniffles despite dreams of sharks? We have the most powerful option for last; here eagle's fear to tread, my friend. The very, very last word in the field, we present to you homeopatich ANTIMATTER in the form of Positronium.
Sample paragraph:
(Helios Homeopathic is the same place offering the plutonium.)The homeopathic remedy "Positronium" was prepared using positrons from a Na-22 source, which were passed through a nitrogen gas cell to form postronium by capturing electrons off the nitrogen atoms. The resulting positronium beam then impinged on a metal surface, where the positronium atoms decayed, giving off the characteristic 511 keV radiation. A glass vial filled with 96% ethanol was exposed to this radiation for 24 hours and then potentized to 30C by the Helios Homœopathic Pharmacy. The strength of the positronium beam was approximately 10 million positronium atoms per second. A total of approximately 10^9 (1.000.000.000) annihilation events were captured by the glass vial.
Reported side-effects of the antimatter-contagioned water were: dryness, dreams of 'seeing inside things', lethargy.
Homeopathic plutonium, antimatter, and quantum mechanics. For all your homeopathic needs now that Zicam is discredited!
