kirk visits the cantina

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2002-08-07 09:09pm

not my work, but funny nontheless.

Captain Kirk and the Mos Eisley Cantina
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and three Redshirts beam into the Cantina.

Spock: Fascinating. There seem to be aliens of a different type than we have ever encountered in our trek amongst the stars...

McCoy: Oh, man. Why don't you just say the damn title? Don't bother to disguise it. Star Trek! What? You afraid that someone's going to be offended?

Kirk: I...don't know what's...going on. But I...think that we should...be careful. Fan out.

Spock: pulling out tricorder Intriguing. The aliens here seem to be real aliens, rather than a human being with a different nose, ear, or forehead. Doctor, what do you think?

McCoy: Dammit, you cold-blooded son of a Vulcan! I'm a doctor, not an anthropologist!

One Redshirt slips on a spilled drink and breaks his neck.

McCoy: He's dead, Jim.

Kirk: Alien bastards killed my man! Alien...bastards...killed my man! Alien bastards...

McCoy: Jim, he tripped over his own feet. You can't blame yourself.

Kirk: Don't tell me what I can...and cannot...do. I am...Captain...James...T...Kirk!

Many of the Cantina aliens start moving towards their weapons. A Redshirt notices.

Soon to be killed Redshirt: Captain! There's something--- Collapses, dead

McCoy: He's dead, Jim.

Kirk: Can't you say anything else?

McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a linguist!

Spock: Captain. The officer appeared to die for no reason. It is almost as if he was merely here for entertainment purposes only.

Stormtrooper enters Cantina, and hits his head. Three Newbies with computers put down the papers that they are reading (Title of said papers "FAQ") and begin typing on their terminals.

Newbies: (in stereo) That Stormtrooper just hit his head! Man, I bet that I'm the first one to ever see that happening. I'll just post it to the newsgroup and show them how smart I am....

Stormtrooper begins firing at the Enterprise trio. Seven Cantina aliens die before they realize that they are not the ones being shot at and understand to get out of the way.

Bartender: No blasters! No blasters!

Redshirt: Now, because you're using a blaster, and I am an officer of the Starship Enterprise, your weapon cannot harm me. I, however, am holding a phaser, and will now kill you. Of course, that could be totally wrong, but, what the hell, we can argue about that or whether the Enterprise could beat whatever ship you got here, but I'll just kill you first.

Fires phaser, which the Stormtrooper dodges. However, emerging from the resulting hole is an Ewok.

Stormtrooper: EWOKS! Noooooooo!

Ewok throws rock at Stormtrooper, who dies from the blow, which has hit him in the shoulder.

Redshirt: I'll get him sir!

Fires phaser again killing the Ewok. Cantina erupts in cheers. Redshirt walks over to the bartender.

Kirk: I...don't believe it! He...just said more than...all other extras...that we've ever had.

Spock: (to himself) You should promote him right now, sir, because if history holds, then he'll be dead in thirteen point six seconds.

Redshirt: I'll have one of those... Drinks up then chokes to death

Kirk: Bones...you've got to...help him!

McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a--! Oh. Too late.

Aliens approach to congratulate the Enterprise trio on the death of the Ewok.

Kirk: (diplomatically) I come in peace. I...am...Captain Kirk...of the Federation Starship...Enterprise.

Aliens continue approaching, unaware of what Kirk is saying.

Spock: I fear that without the Universal Translator, we will never know what their intentions are. However, if I rewire this blender using a quadra-infused laser pen, and hook it up to the power conduits and transfer the circuitry through the Hisenberg Compensator and this potato chip that I found on the ground, there. Here's a working Translater, Captain. And if you push this button, it will be able to save our asses in this episode no matter what happens.

McGuyver: being chased by a number of Middle Eastern terrorists comes running through the Cantina I can end terrorism in the Middle East and bring world peace to earth. All I need now is some starch and grease with some salt. If only there was a potato chip nearby...

McGuyver is then killed while looking at Spock's potato chip.

Kirk using the Universal Translator enjoys the adulation. Unbeknownst to Kirk and the gang, Selma and Patty have dragged Homer with them to pay respects to their dearly departed McGuyver.

Homer: looking at Spock's device Ummmmmmm. Potato chip. Drools

As Kirk begins the elaborate alien "we come in peace" greeting, Homer eats the potato chip and leaves with Patty and Selma. Without the translator, Kirk messes up and the translation of the message he actually sends is "Star Trek is much better than you slobs could ever be." This greatly angers all the aliens in the cantina, who pull out all of their weapons and prepare to slay the Enterprise trio.

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise. I...may have...upset the...alien beings on...this...planet. Beam us up Scotty.

Scotty: I canna beam ye up, sar. I dinna ha the POWER!

Kirk: I...can't believe that I'm going to die.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Kirk and co. are killed in a barrage of blaster fire.

Scotty: Over the communicator now lying useless on the floor Sorry, sar, I misread the script. I can beam ye up, now. Sar? Do ye no understand what I'm trying to tell ye? Sar?

BLAM!

The communicator goes up in smoke.

Alien: to bartender Sorry about using blasters-

Bartender: interrupting the apologetic alien For them, I'll make an exception.

IRG CommandoJoe · Post by **IRG CommandoJoe** » 2002-08-08 01:38am

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2002-08-08 11:02am

Grand Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Grand Admiral Thrawn** » 2002-08-08 11:42am

Mr. B · Post by **Mr. B** » 2002-08-08 01:52pm

LOL

Where did you get that.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2002-08-08 03:17pm

http://www.angelfire.com/va/gottalovest ... humor.html

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2002-08-08 03:20pm

course, this one is fun too. . . : http://www.gavinrymill.com/starwars/starwars.htm

Yuri · Post by **Yuri** » 2002-08-12 11:20am

ARE YOU CRAZY!?!

A mere group of stormtroopers cannot even begin to challenge Kirks character shields. BTW, Klingon bars are more dangerous, and they don't give Kirk much trouble.

Mr. B · Post by **Mr. B** » 2002-08-12 06:54pm

Yuri wrote: ARE YOU CRAZY!?!

A mere group of stormtroopers cannot even begin to challenge Kirks character shields. BTW, Klingon bars are more dangerous, and they don't give Kirk much trouble.

But B&B can kill him off without too much trouble.

Yuri · Post by **Yuri** » 2002-08-13 02:02am

But B&B can kill him off without too much trouble.

B & B can do a lot of stupid stuff, but stormies could still never touch Kirk. They couldn't touch Skywalker, who's character shields are far inferior to Kirk's due to ineherent special abilities (Jedi training).

Isolder74 · Post by **Isolder74** » 2002-08-14 12:06pm

:lol that is funny