Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Straha]

I've got a bunch I can throw in here from all over the place (my 'work' gets me a lot of these.) One of my favorites was from a class on Islamic Art and Art History:

Professor: *does huge bit of the Dome of the Rock and how different parts of it were refurbished at different times, moves on to early Kuranic texts and the different writing styles thereof*
Student: Was that the Mosque with the Rock in it?
Professor: *dead silent stare* Yes. *Goes back to teaching class*


Another one involves me personally. I was taking a class from a Pulitzer prize winning professor. There were two problems, A. The class was full of idiots, B. The professor was a bit of a mook. The class was on Post World War II Asia and South East Asia. After spending most of the semester talking about Japan in the 1920s I got fed up and asked a rather easy question.

Me: How did the Chinese people view the communists during the 30s, and how did they view the warlords and the Japanese?
Professor: Well... er... I think... um... that... er... they were accepted differently... in different places of the country. And that it might... um... have had something to do with... how urbanized the cities were. :: turns to Chinese TA:: What do you think?
TA: Uhh.... I think they... um... were accepted differently at different times?
Professor: Yeah. There you go.

I asked one other question in an attempt to get something germane to the course done, and never bothered again.

The students were idiots though. In one discussion a particularly wordy Poli Sci student (I despise them) decided to 'contribute'. The first time she was caught having no knowledge who Cavour, Bismarck or Garibaldi were. The second was after a long speech from someone declaring that most people labeled as realists tended to actually be idealists who were willing to compromise their goals. She got a very self-satisfied look on her face and piped up with: "I think you'll actually find that all nations always act so that they can obtain more soft-power over other nations."

[Temjin]

There's a new rule at the shelter I work at. I have to look at meal tickets in the morning to make sure that each person is allowed to eat there. Why are they getting security to do this, and not one of their workers? Because we don't have the power to kick someone out of line when they mouth off when we dare ask for proof that they are allowed to be there.

Anyways, there's this one guy there that had no problem with me until I started asking for tickets. Now whenever he sees me, he stares at me as if he's accusing me of doing something horrible. At first, I thought he was just jokeing around, until this morning:

*Guy walks in rubbing his nose with his middle finger while staring at me*
Me: Nice finger. Ticket please.
*Gets right up close to my chair*
Guy: Why'd you say nice finger?
Me: Thank you. And I saw your hand.

*Guy gets back in line, then comes back*
Guy: What's your name?
Me: Dave
Guy: What's your surname?
Me: [Surname]
Guy: Okay, I'm going to call the cops on you.
Me: Why?
*Guy walks away without saying anything*
Me: Want to borrow two quarters? Payphone is just over there.

*Guy comes back a few seconds later*
Guy: You know what your job is? It's to make people happy.
Me: I'm a security guard. Not a clown. My job is to make sure you don't bash each other's skulls in. And to take meal tickets, apparently.

*Guy walks off, but comes back a few seconds later*
Guy: You know why you have to wear that slash vest? It's because you're a defamation.
Me: I don't think that word means what you think it means.

*Guy walks off. For good this time*

Still waiting on those cops...

[Vympel]

Names changed.

"Robert thinks you're an idiot. But don't worry, he thinks I'm an idiot too, so you're in good company."

(my boss, partner at the firm speaking about the other boss (equal parter), away on holidays, who created a disaster for himself by using text messages to convey client's instructions.)

[Themightytom]

Tom goes to convenience store down the street. Convenience store is of course pretty sketchy and run very casually, it is actually accross the street from the place people go to apply for foodstamps, and diagonally accross from district court, and yet... they were caught last year for buying food stamps.

I walked in and a pretty teenager was standing their munching on a dinner plate full of enchiladas. The counter attendant brought her dinner because she lives above the store. Two boys were with the girl, and a loud well built dude wandered in while I was buying gum.

TEEN GIRL: "Sorry i'm eating all your food, I'm just so hungry today!"
LOUD MAN "Don't worry sweetie, when i get high I just ahve to eat so bad man, I eat all the food in sight! One time they sent me to this cornfield and made me pick corn and i was eatin it straight up off the stalk yo!"
Teen boy "Yo man if i get high I'd be chewin on tires and making combinations and shit, like hot sauce and ice cream.
Teen boy 2 "No man, thats pregnant, when you get high you be all trippin and shit and the flowers move its awesome."
Teen boy 1, "I been high before yo."
Cashier "I used to steal from people's garden when iw as young i got so high, I'd be eating their tomatoes and cucombers and stuff."
Tom :"hey so.. group conversation. Where were those cornfields?"
Loud Man, "Oh they was at the prison yo, I did time."
Tom: "Posession?"
Loud man: "You know it."
Cashier: "yeah I went to [county jail] a couple times for that."
Tom to teens "Hey so... don't do drugs kids."
Loud Man: "This man is right boys drugs are bad."
Cashier: "They ruined my life, I dropped out of college."
Loud Man: "Aww sweetie come here..."
Cashier "Get on your side of the counter criminal!"
...at this point kids have left...
Loud man, "Aw man where'd that sweet thing go?"

[Edi]

Work email is fun (all identifying information redacted):

Time: x
From: Team Leader X
To: All helpdesk; Team leaders
Subject: [Company business]
Message: [discussion of company business]


Reply:
Time: x + 20 min
From: Shift Supervisor Z
To: Team Leader X; All helpdesk
Subject: Re: [Company business]
Message: aqqqafqqqz

Sent from my phone


Reply:
Time: x + 40 min
From: Shift Supervisor Z
To: Team Leader X; All helpdesk
Subject: Re: [Company business]
Message: aqqqafqqqz

Translation: Hello from [location]! I found Daddy's phone and it's SOOOOOOOOO much fun to play with!

Little Johnny, 1 yr

[The Yosemite Bear]

Chef: Where you been, it couldn't take you that long to drop off Sick girl after she got hit in the eye by a waiter.
Me: shuddering, I didn't hit the girl, she's alive.
Chef: What?
Me: My car's in the shop, the ranger's don't have the manpower to come to the accident scene and at least I broke my car rather then killing a kid.
Chef: are you all right?. you look really fucked up.
Me: The kid's fine, darwin may be pissed, but hopefully she's going to grow up and break her dad's heart into a million pieces in the next decade.

[Agent Fisher]

Me, ringing up items at work: Ok, you're total is *amount I cant remember*.
Costumer: Wait, how much was this movie? *holds up a movie rings up as 6.99 and includes a sticker on the front that says 6.99*
Me: 6.99.
Costumer: But it was in the 4.99 bin, it should be 4.99.
Me: Well, the machines ringing it up as 6.99.
Costumer *getting angry*: Well why is it in the 4.99 bin? It should be 4.99 if it's in there.
Me: Well, most likely, a costumer grabbed it and just left it in that bin when they came up to pay and decided they didn't want it.
Costumer: Do you have a better answer than that?
Me: Uh, afraid I don't.
Costumer: Well, we want to talk to a manager about this. This isn't right, it shouldn't be in that bin if it's not that price.
Me: Ok, give me a minute, there are people talking on the radio and I need to wait for a break in the talking to ask.
Customer *after a few moments*: You know what, forget it! If it's 6.99 it shouldn't be in that bin, that's false advertising. *storms off, leaving everything on the counter*
Next Customer, who was standing only a foot or so back: Wow, what a bitch.
Me: I get those sorts all the time.

[LadyTevar]

A coworker was talking to SirBoss outside my cube, so I had to get up and listen in. She was telling us about a newstory she'd seen somewhere about a Funeral Director who murdered his wife so he could be with his mistress.

SirBoss: So.. what did he do with her body?
Coworker: well, I don't know, they didn't say
SirBoss: well, he got caught with it, so why didn't he just dispose of it?
Me: True.. if he had a crematory, he could have just had a unsupervised burn
SirBoss: Yep. Get rid of the ashes, and there's no trace.
Me, to SirBoss: Is it scary that you and I think of these things?

[The Yosemite Bear]

your in births and deaths and deal with stupidity and mis-registries from funeral homes all the time. I would be suprised if you didn't.

we in the kitchen make jokes about disposing of bodies too.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Today in the discipline hearing

Big Boss: I heard you got some new staff
Client: He's not a help
Me: yesterday I was in the area counting inventory and he dumped water on me, and kept going "18, 37, 11, 19" while I was on the floor counting the china.
Client: yeah he bad mouths everyone, and tells me to fuck off when I tell him that he's needed somewhere.
Big Boss: Sounds like a real Asshole.

[Zed Snardbody]

I think my friend is an idiot.

I had a moment the other day discussing things with a friend from work. A court case just came about that over turned a search another officer had preformed because it wasn't within the scope of our usual administrative authority.

My friend just couldn't seem to wrap her mind around the fact.

It went like this.

Me: They ruled that the agency authorization act only allows us to look for a, b, and c.

Her: I know but we're diffrent from you guys, its in our procedures to look for that stuff.

Me: That doesn't matter, our procedures we created under the authorization act this court case is now case law that is going to get so much evidence surpressed.

Her: That doesn't matter for us we're diffrent from you.

Me: We're still under the same agency, same act, same scope.

Her: Not us.

Me: Ok whatever you say.

[irishmick79]

Conversation with an probation officer that shall remain anonymous. The names have been changed to protect the idiots.

PO: Hi, I'm with probation in ****, and I have a case that just landed on my desk here, and when I ran our criminal history search , I came up with a ICE deportation warrant. Can you confirm the warrant?

Me: sure, give me a moment and let me find out more about this. Can I get the warrant number?

PO: *silence* where would I find that?

Me: Usually at the bottom of your paperwork somwhere.

PO: oh, there it is. *reads warrant number*

ME: Thank you. Also, is this individual in custody at all?

PO: no, this just hit my desk so I was doing the initial paperwork on it.

ME: *looking at warrant* um, this warrant was issued by the Orange County Sherrif's office in California.

PO: So the guy has been deported then?

ME: I don't know. If you want to find that out I can run an Immigrant Alien Query for you. We call it an IAQ. It will tell you his last known immigration status. I can walk you through the whole entry process, if you'd like.

PO: *silence* what's that? I thought that when I ran my history that included immigration stuff."

ME: no, not really. NCIC is different - you need a seperate search for immigration history.

PO: Oh. You know, I don't need to do that IAQ stuff. Other people in the office can do that. So am I right to say that you guys won't come and get him?

ME: If he's not in custody and we don't even have an idea of what his immigration status is, I imagine that would be highly unlikely.

PO: hmm. Well, I know a local agent here in town. I'll give him a call and see what he wants to do.

ME: He'll probably tell you to call us and run an IAQ, but ok.

PO: Ok, thanks. Talk to you later!

*click*

[Themightytom]

man on street. "Excuse me sir, I'm a poor homeless man living on the street. I ain't got a nickel to my name and I'm starving can you just spare some change? to help a homeless man off the street?'

Me: "James you ask me that like every day and you always forget I work for the soup kitchen. I know full well you are in public housing and recieve social security, Also, yesterday you told me you were a veteran, what happened to that?"

James with GIANT shit eating grin "War's over man, war's over!"

Me: "Whatever, can you write down the people who turn you down on a card so you don't keep bugging them every day?"

James: "if you give me a dollar I can go buy some index cards."

Me: "Dude you're frigging rediculous."

James "hey man, i'm not doing anything illegal here I'm just asking for a couple bucks."

Me: "It IS illegal, its called "Panhandling". You're allowed to silently hold a sign and thats it."

James: "Can you spare a couple bucks for some markers and paper?"

Me: "Aaaaargh!" *flings imaginary quarter into bushes. "Fine but while you look for it I'm leaving."

James: "thanks Tom!" Goes rummaging

[PainRack]

Conversations miscue
In Mandarin
Me:"Ok sir, today you're going back home."
Patient:" Hmmm? This is my home what."
Patient: I go back for what?
Me:" No.... You're "den chu"(Hokkien for going home)"
Patient:" Hah? Going back to "den si"(waiting to die)."

At his last comment, the patient opposite burst out in laughter.

Note to self: When talking to a patient with mild dementia and hearing impairment, speak slowly and remove the fucking mask!

[tim31]

LIZ(bar manager): then the guys from(company x) come around to the bar from the function in the (y) Room, and said they'd heard that the carpet was being replaced in there tomorrow so would I mind if they tore up my carpet? I said uh, no! They're doing it tomorrow!

TIM: Do you understand the concept of a double entendre?

[TimothyC]

Boss to the new guy: And these are the [X]. The total count is undocumented, no one seems to want to document them for some reason.
Me: <Channeling Kiff Kroker> It's not undocumented, you lost the documentation. <Walks over to file cabinet> And you never asked for a new copy.
Boss: Well can I have one?
Me: Sure, right after you walk out of the room
Boss: Why?
Me: Because based on your history, if you know where the original is, you'll lose it.
Boss: Fair enough <He leaves>
New Guy: So where is it?
Me<pulling it down off of the wall>: Right here, but he shouldn't know that.
The new guy got a laugh out of it.

[LadyTevar]

I was talking to a few of Nitram's former co-workers, who have been keeping up with how he's doing, when their supervisor walks by and listens in.

Supervisor: So, they're finally trading the old liver for a new one?
Me: Yes, although it might take a while to do.
Supervisor: Pity they don't have 'Cash for Clunkers'.
Everyone dies laughing as Supervisor walks away with a smirk.

That Supervisor normally doesn't have much to say, but when he's able to sneak one in, it's always a good one.

[Themightytom]

I don't know if this one's legit. The female client in question is really good looking, dresses pretty scantily and has a neverending supply of admirers. This is one of the first times I've heard her mis-speak. Anyway I was stuck running the kitchen for the first hour of todays meal because the kitchen manager was off collecting a doantion and we have to have a paid staff there during meals.

Client waiting in doorway: "God damnit its raining even with the sun out. Weather like this makes me want to take a drink."

Client 2 "Day by day man day by day."

Female Puerta Rican client coming otuside, "No drink today! Es beautiful! I love golden showers!"
runs outside and twirls in rain.

Client 2 "Thats called a sun shower not a golden shower."

Female Client, "No, the rain is golden! It tastes so fresh."

me "Um [---} you are being unintentionally innapropriate. if you want to know why just tell the story to our female hispanic advocate. She will explain it."

Client 2 "I'd like to see that." (Hispanic advocate also is attractive, though she is considerably more apropriate)

Client 1 "Now I REALLY want a drink."

Me: trying to change subject "Does anyone actually want to EAT?"

Client 2 watching the still dancing client: "Dinner and a show?"

[Temjin]

Last night/this morning:

The delivery driver sits down at the table I'm taking tickets at and starts chatting with me, as he does every morning.

Driver (looking at the incident report I'm writing): Hey, be sure you spell my name right. Don't use the a-s-s-h-o-l-e spelling.

Me: Don't worry, I know how to spell your name. I-d-i-o-t, right?

Driver: Yep that's right. So how goes it this morning?

Me: Not too bad I suppose. Really have to take a piss, but I'm stuck in here taking these damn meal tickets.

Driver: Could be worse. Could be worse. You could really have to take a crap.

Me: Oh, I suspect that that isn't too far off in my future.

Few minutes later a resident walks in saying he's looking for a "Dave"

Me: Yeah, that's me.

Resident: I'm supposed to tell you to turn your radio off. It's transmitting everything you're saying.

First time that has ever happened to me, and I still have no idea how the transmit button was being pressed.

[mr friendly guy]

During a patient admission I noticed a patient wasn't fully treated for their lung disease and I enquired further whether they tried a certain class of drugs. It turned out they had tried seretide and they didn't tolerate it for some reason I can't remember. Anyway, I suggested they try another drug which tries to do the same thing, called symbicort.

Since I rarely prescribed this drug, I asked my intern symbicort is the penguin right, (in reference to the mascot for the drug). I got blank looks from the intern and the medical student. I then explain I was refering to the drug's mascot and then pointed out seretide uses the purple dragon. Again blank looks.

Obviously drug companies are no longer allowed to give us free soft toys any more. Hey, at least it helps you remember the drug. I am still looking for the chickenpox chicken soft toy.

[LadyTevar]

Co-worker calls up hospital

Her: Hi, I'm trying to find a few birth certificates, we have the electronic copy, but not the paper copies. The first one is (redacted)
Nurse on other end puts her on hold, comes back: Did you say (redacted?)
Her: yes, that's right. I also have (two other names)
Nurse: ... (name), (name), and (name)?
Her: Yes. We don't have the paper copies for them, and we need to get them in here.
Nurse on other end starts laughing: Those are our training names! Those shouldn't have been sent to you!

So, the five certificates my co-worker was asking about were all phony names used to train new users how to file birth certificates, and were sent electronically to our office.

[The Yosemite Bear]

There's a wedding party saturday with a great typo in it.

60 Prostitute* Wraped Asperigus

*I assume they ment Procuttio or "Bacon"...
no, the entire kitchen staff has been giving special functions hell for this, since SF management posted the last minute menu change this morning.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Today from my other job (union Rep)

Chef: Well the reason we called you in today is because we've gotten reports from your co-workers and the bussers that you have been harrassing Emp. B about his sexual orientation.
Emp. A (my client): What that fucking <bundle of sticks> has been harrassing me!, acting all <bundle of sticks>-y
Me: When you told me that your co-worker was hitting on you, I told you to talk to the chefs. Unwelcome sexual advances won't be tolerated regardless of who it is, Male > Female, Female > Male, Male > Male, or female > female. Homophobia is also not tolerated.

Emp. A: Mumbles something about us oppressing him.


some days it doesn't pay to be a union rep.

[Straha]

While not from my job I think this was funny enough to warrant inclusion:

Guy 1: Hey, do you know where Canada is?
Guy 2: Yeah... I think it's at the end of Germany now.

Context: I was at the Strand and trying to find a couple Canadian history books. The Canadian history section keeps moving and everytime I go back it's somewhere else which makes it very confusing to find books. This time I asked a store employee where it was and apparently they have the same problem I have.

[PainRack]

While not from my job I think this was funny enough to warrant inclusion:

Guy 1: Hey, do you know where Canada is?
Guy 2: Yeah... I think it's at the end of Germany now.

Context: I was at the Strand and trying to find a couple Canadian history books. The Canadian history section keeps moving and everytime I go back it's somewhere else which makes it very confusing to find books. This time I asked a store employee where it was and apparently they have the same problem I have.

Lol. Out of context for the win!