GI JOE: Rise of Cobra (Spoilers Ahoy!)

[neoolong]

Or he just looked like Zartan and shifted into looking like the President, or stepped out looking like the President already. It's not a big jump to assume that Zartan is meant to replace the President if he looks exactly like him. The real President's reaction was fine for what he would have seen.

I don't see how this was that confusing.

Edit: Or what SylasGaunt said.

[Stark]

I dunno - from a MARS perspective, anyone to sell guns to in a destabilised world is good. The guff about strong men bringing order seemed more like a dire t reference to COBRA ('think bigger') than just putting a patsy in the White House.

[neoolong]

Probably more profitable for them to continue to sell to the United States and allied nations than to podunk third-world countries. Continued defensive contracts as long as Zartan is in office.

Of course, it makes me wonder if the plan was to continually change to become whomever takes office once the presidential terms end.

[Stark]

Or he just looked like Zartan and shifted into looking like the President, or stepped out looking like the President already. It's not a big jump to assume that Zartan is meant to replace the President if he looks exactly like him. The real President's reaction was fine for what he would have seen.

I don't see how this was that confusing.

Edit: Or what SylasGaunt said.

Why would he say 'OH ITS YOU!!!' when he sees someone he's never seen before turn into himself? The only way this makes sense is if Zartan studied him from close up or as someone with a role in the White House, which still makes the line pretty obtuse.

[neoolong]

Hmm, I could have sworn he said something like "Oh, this is what it's about."

[Stark]

I think he says both. It's not 'wow a clone of me' or 'holy shit a shapeshifter' - it suggests something interesting cut from the movie.

[neoolong]

I don't remember what was specifically said. Anybody else remember?

[SylasGaunt]

I don't remember what was specifically said. Anybody else remember?

I'm pretty sure it was 'Oh my God... so that's what this is all about." I'll be seeing it again on Tuesday so I can check then.

[Havok]

So.

That was pretty awful.

However, I was smiling the whole time.

I liked it.

The makers of this movie also did what the makers of TF did not do, capture the basic essence of what made kids love the franchise in the first place... Cobra has crazy plot, uses crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes to carry out plot. GI Joe attempts to foil plot with their own crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes. Obscene amounts of cheese and action take place. GI Joe wins. Cobra says: "You haven't seen the last of us!!" GI Joe has a hearty laugh. Roll credits.

[Stark]

And people thought I was kidding!

[Darth Wong]

The makers of this movie also did what the makers of TF did not do, capture the basic essence of what made kids love the franchise in the first place... Cobra has crazy plot, uses crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes to carry out plot. GI Joe attempts to foil plot with their own crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes. Obscene amounts of cheese and action take place. GI Joe wins. Cobra says: "You haven't seen the last of us!!" GI Joe has a hearty laugh. Roll credits.

That predictable formula is precisely why I did not like the GI Joe cartoon in the 80s. This does not make me think I will particularly like this live-action version.

[Stark]

It's not just really cheesy and stupid - it's clearly suffered through the studio chaos around it's production (especially the beginning section). It's not as successful a good-bad movie as Shoot Em Up, but nobody is taking it seriously throughout.

[Vympel]

I just liked GI Joe for the toys. I barely watched the cartoon or read the comics until after I had a shit-ton of toys. I didn't know the 'story' - all me and my brother knew was GI Joe were the good guys, Cobra were the bad guys, throw the quilt on the bed and let's set our figures up in the folds and start playing war*.

That's why kids loved GI Joe, I thought. Because the toys were awesome.

*I always played Cobra, brother always played as GI Joe.

Anyway, I think the movie looks like shit, so I'm leery about watching it. Transformers has Michael Fucking Bay and 90% of ILM's resources, GI Joe looks like it got the effects from ... something ...shit.

It also has a Wayans brother ...

[Solauren]

If you want to see Sgt. Slaughter, watch WWE Raw tonight

The odds of the new GIJOE movies getting the Sarge are low. The pro-wrestler Sgt. Slaughter owns the rights to the name, and was rather annoyed when they booted him out of the franchise when he was doing the Iraqi sympathizer angle when he was WWF Champion.

However, you never know. I think the only condition would be him playing himself (pun intended) in the next movie in an advisor role.

[CDiehl]

Here's how I imagine the plan.
Spoiler

Had things worked out according to plan, Washington DC, Paris, Moscow and Beijing are all destroyed by unidentified terrorists. Ideally, the Russian and Chinese governments are obliterated also (their bunkers weren't as good as the MARS-built one POTUS had). The world will be scared to death, and turn to the only surviving superpower, the U.S.A., which is now run by one of MacCullen's agents. MARS steps up with all kinds of new technology to help fight this new threat. This will include a treatment that will make troops more effective, AKA the nanomites they shot into the Neo-Vipers, which also makes them obedient. If the US government is leery of the idea of injecting stuff into their troops, MARS could just offer to produce some sort of inoculation against illness, and slip it in that way. Either way, the US military is under MARS' control within a few months or years. Soon after, they offer the same to the rest of the world.

What happens when the President's term ends? It's not going to end. He'll use the emergency of a terrorist attack and the destablization of two other major powers as an excuse to seize dictatorial powers, probably with the support of a frightened populace. Similar measures might take place in other countries. If that doesn't work, a completely obedient military armed with advanced technology (both provided by MARS) will crush any resistance. If Zartan or any other leader gets out of line, he'll find that his security and military personnel all obey MacCullen, who likely has some ambitious person waiting in the wings. He doesn't have to hold office, just control the people who hold the guns.

[18-Till-I-Die]

I saw the movie on Friday, and I enjoyed it a great deal. It was almost exactlylike an episode of the cartoon, and I consider that a good thing.

What I love about it is that, in almost open defiance to what whorish snobs...I'm sorry, Movie critics want G.I. Joe has only as much plot as is required to make the underlying origin story function. Everything is based around setting up Cobra, setting up the Joes, and leading to the Big Fight At The End...and frankly, I thank GOD for that because I got a horrifying feeling some idiot was going to try and make this into some shit political commentary or something. Refreshingly it seems that movie makers (successful ones anyway) are starting to outright give media snobs the finger and just make good, straightforward action movies like those that were produced in the 80s before peopel gave a shit what some fat Jay Sherman knockoff had to say. Thank Christ.

I loved this movie, really. My only complaint is that I think the whole Baroness angle is a little hard to build on for a sequel, and there will be a sequel because the movie basically made back it's entire cost in one weekend so from here on out it's all profit. But really I'm kind of leery about that one real point where the sequel may get a bit...off message. Otherwise this movie was PRECISELY what I was hoping for. I went to see it with my girlfriend, and it was worth every penny because I knew within seconds of the big fight at the beginning where MARS steals the nanomites that it was going to be a live action episode of the show and deep inside, my inner child started doing cartwheels. Outwardly my jaded frat boy pumps his fist and whispers "Fuck yes!" when they brought out the Vipers with laser rifles.

The fact this movie is successful does my heart good, because it only further proves my case that "deep plot" is a code word for "we can't write tension or action sequences for dick, here's two people talking about their marital issues for forty minutes" (e.g every dramatic movie I've ever seen in my life). My only hope is that it stays on top long enough to blast The Time Travelers Wife out of existence like a nuclear explosion.

Though the plot was actually rather involved when you consider that, basically, the whole idea was to set up a terrorist attack they could blame on NATO ("It has to be NATO'S fault!") and say they screwed up. Then with their guy in the place of the president, I imagine that Destro would be able to start wars and sell arms and mercenaries for any price he wanted, for at least four years maybe more. Basically it was the plot to Army of Two...also the plot to the Bush Administration but that's neither here nor there.

At heart, you don't really need (and I've yet to hear an argument why you would want, other than something subjective like "art") some retarded overdramatic bullshit plot to make a movie function; some of the best works of fiction had plots so simple they didn't form a paragraph:

War of the Worlds: Martians invade, we can't stop them cause they have lasers and mecha, but a virus kills them at the end.

The Time Machine: in a dramatic twist ending, a dude builds a time machine! He goes to the future and sees furries and bishonen, the end.

Transformers 2: Michael Bay makes a billion dollars in a week, Roger Ebert eats a gun, cue celebration form the end of ROTJ.


Anyway...in accordance with DP's Law, um, I'm like obligated to inform you that I have bad taste or something. So yeah...

[18-Till-I-Die]

Oh yeah one other thing that kind of bothered me, but this is so nitpickish it's really just a pointless aside. I thought that Cobra Commander's mask looked like ass, but then again I didn't really get a good look so maybe the sequel will make it look cooler.

Anyway, even if it doesn't that's just a nitpick.

I'm honestly so glad they didn't try some asinine political tract with this. No bullshit no side stories just set up, pay off. Really top notch, if you're an action fan. If you're not then, well, I guess you can go see Paper Heart or something, or watch something by David Lynch and pretend it's deep or whatever you people do.

[18-Till-I-Die]

Ghetto edit:

One thing I should say I really liked:

I was able to, by simply looking at it, name several vehicles and weapons and several characters in the movie. That I think is a sign the people who made this really actually watched some episodes of the show. I could tell several of the vehicles, like the USS Flagg at the end for example, on sight. The designers and concept art people did a really excellent job of bringing the show to life.

For those who are wondering, the Delta-6 suits actually showed up on one or two episodes of the Sigma Six cartoon, look up "Sigma Strike Duke" and you'll see what I mean, it's basically identical in design they just changed the color. Even things like the jet pack that Storm Shadow and Baroness used to escape had a direct analogue on the cartoon and toy lines--specifically this particular Cobra vehicle whose name escapes me, I have it on my shelf but I'd need to find the old box to get the name. Anyway, it's basically that toy, but live action.

The battle at the end was also very interesting, as I never expected a dog fight underwater in a live action movie but, really, this movie did an excellent job of brining the cartoon scenes to life. And those Cobra sub-fighters...yeah, that was a toy too, same design and everything. They even had the fucking MISSILES in the right place on the wings, that's fucking work ethic!

[LadyTevar]

The makers of this movie also did what the makers of TF did not do, capture the basic essence of what made kids love the franchise in the first place... Cobra has crazy plot, uses crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes to carry out plot. GI Joe attempts to foil plot with their own crazy weapons/vehicles/schemes. Obscene amounts of cheese and action take place. GI Joe wins. Cobra says: "You haven't seen the last of us!!" GI Joe has a hearty laugh. Roll credits.

That predictable formula is precisely why I did not like the GI Joe cartoon in the 80s. This does not make me think I will particularly like this live-action version.

Mike, just go see it for the action scenes, then. The car chase through Paris alone is worth the ticket price. This is, like the best action flicks, a walk-in, turn-off-brain, watch-things-go-boom movie.
If you happen to get the jokes or recognize some of the tech, it's a bonus.

[Stark]

ITT 18 makes a triple post to reassure us he's a fucking moron.

Are there any numbers on this poor movie yet? Given how much it cost and the marketing blitz (even in AU), it'd have to do pretty well to turn a profit and get sequels.

[Zor]

Box Office Mojo says it has made in total slightly less than $100 Million as of yesterday.

Zor

[18-Till-I-Die]

Are there any numbers on this poor movie yet? Given how much it cost and the marketing blitz (even in AU), it'd have to do pretty well to turn a profit and get sequels.

It cost 160,000,000 to make and it's made 100,000,000 back just in the opening weekend. I'm not sure if that's worldwide or what.

[neoolong]

The battle at the end was also very interesting, as I never expected a dog fight underwater in a live action movie but, really, this movie did an excellent job of brining the cartoon scenes to life. And those Cobra sub-fighters...yeah, that was a toy too, same design and everything. They even had the fucking MISSILES in the right place on the wings, that's fucking work ethic!

It occurs to me that that might not be so much attention to detail on the part of the cinema people, but because Hasbro wanted to reuse old molds for the movie toys.

[18-Till-I-Die]

The battle at the end was also very interesting, as I never expected a dog fight underwater in a live action movie but, really, this movie did an excellent job of brining the cartoon scenes to life. And those Cobra sub-fighters...yeah, that was a toy too, same design and everything. They even had the fucking MISSILES in the right place on the wings, that's fucking work ethic!

It occurs to me that that might not be so much attention to detail on the part of the cinema people, but because Hasbro wanted to reuse old molds for the movie toys.

That's quite possible, though Hasbro is,from what i've seen, pumping out a new toyline for this movie so I'm not sure. As an aside, that's going to be at least half of the major income of this movie, the toy sales. People like me are going to grab that shit up.

[Stark]

BOM doesn't list marketing anymore so I'm not sure how reliiable it is. They made 22M in the first day US alone, so if it lasts it should do well. Other things have had sequels With relatively small profits, but I guess it depends on the studio.