How to Win an Argument

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2003-02-10 05:33pm

I got emailed this and thought a few of you guys would get a kick out of it...

How to Win Arguements
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.
If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot
enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll
discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be
a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the
fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let
a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians
are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981
dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T.
Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you
read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You
left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you
do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want
to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but
they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win
if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more
often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it
were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to
fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best
are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.

You say You're begging the question.

OR

You say Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.

You say You're being defensive.

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
"That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
"You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to
pull any of this on people who carry weapons.

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-02-10 05:39pm

Sadly accurate.

God Emperor · Post by **God Emperor** » 2003-02-10 05:39pm

I don't think that would work.

salm · Post by **salm** » 2003-02-10 05:40pm

höhöhö

LOL @ compare your oppontent to adolf hitler

Post by **weemadando** » 2003-02-10 05:49pm

How to win an arguement.

Variant 1432...

Make one last comment. Lock the thread before your opponent can respond.

*looks around - and runs off over the horizon shrieking madly.*

David · Post by **David** » 2003-02-10 05:52pm

My goodness the man i a genius!

In all seriousness when did you start coresponding with DarkStar

Exonerate · Post by **Exonerate** » 2003-02-10 07:02pm

You forgot about accusing people of being racist.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-02-10 07:09pm

I think it's a joke.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-02-10 07:15pm

You forgot one more: convert your argument into a short slogan. Then, repeat the slogan continuously, as an addendum to every single thing you say, regardless of what your opponent has just said.

Also note the Darkstar variant of this technique, which is to repeat a long slogan after every single thing he says.

Warspite · Post by **Warspite** » 2003-02-10 08:01pm

Or worse, confuse the opponent with loooooong expositions of meaningless garbage dressed up in a 50 bucks whore.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-02-10 08:30pm

*grins*

*clears throat*

[Singing]Dave Barry's gonna suuuueeee yooooouuuuu...[/Singing]

Seriously, though, you could get in trouble if someone finds out you posted this without permission, so maybe a mod should delete this.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-02-10 08:33pm

How so? It's not like we've been told who to avoid.

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2003-02-10 08:56pm

Andrew J. wrote:*grins*

*clears throat*

[Singing]Dave Barry's gonna suuuueeee yooooouuuuu...[/Singing]

Seriously, though, you could get in trouble if someone finds out you posted this without permission, so maybe a mod should delete this.

Hay, like I said, this was emailed to me. I have no idea whether it was originally Dave Barry's or not. This is no different than repeating it around the water cooler. Which is what whoever wrote it probably wanted.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-02-10 09:06pm

The DarkStar method of debate also involves the inexplicable confidence that he is winning, which I imagine would also help considerably for something like this.