U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried

[Rogue 9]

Source

U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987

September 15, 2009

WASHINGTON—In what government officials are calling a stirring testament to the leadership and foresight of late U.S. president Ronald Reagan, nearly $20 trillion in low denomination bills were discovered this week buried in the White House Rose Garden.

Sealed in hundreds of old mason jars, crumpled shoe boxes, socks, metal tins, and oven mitts, the financial windfall is believed to have been stashed away by Reagan, then 76, during his second term.

"Our economic worries are no more," announced a jubilant Barack Obama, who claimed that the remarkable find would sustain the struggling nation for the next two decades. "Not only did President Reagan manage to anticipate a crippling recession 20 years ahead of time, but it appears he left behind all of the resources we would need to overcome it."

"Everything is here," added Obama, standing among the towering stacks of money, as well as several other items that were uncovered, including three dozen toothbrushes, multiple tire hubcaps, two teddy bears, and a broken desk lamp. "This truly is a tribute to Mr. Reagan's incredible presence of mind."

According to the White House, the surprising discovery was made early Tuesday morning by members of the gardening staff. Less than an hour later, an estimated $19 billion had been dug up from the yard.

While senior officials were initially unsure of where the hoard of valuables had come from, a number of clues—most notably a framed photo of former first lady Nancy Reagan accompanied by a note which read "Don't be angry with me, Mommy"—seemed to point to the 40th president.

Reports from retired Secret Service agents who routinely witnessed a disoriented Reagan sneaking out of the White House late at night, only to return in the early morning hours covered in grass and dirt, also corroborated Tuesday's find.

"The prescience on display here is just astounding," said former secretary of state George Shultz. "Predicting the financial fallout of our country is one thing. But burying all those jars of peanut butter, cans of Chef Boyardee, half-eaten turkey sandwiches, and dozens upon dozens of toasters—it takes a man of unparalleled insight to be able to prepare for a potential future famine like that."

Added Shultz, "Anyone who has ever questioned Ronald Reagan's sanity need only look at the 80 barrels of oil we found beneath those lilac bushes."

Republicans, who have long held up Reagan as a conservative icon, claimed that Tuesday's discovery of $20 trillion more than makes up for the former president's tripling of the national debt, and invalidates frequent allegations of his irresponsible overspending.

In addition, recovered items such as a steamer trunk brimming with children's books and 10 suitcases filled with nothing but birdseed indicate that Reagan was just as concerned about literacy rates and the environment as he was about the military.

"At the time, his decisions seemed troubling, to say the least," former vice president and Democratic presidential candidate Walter Mondale said. "His talk about a fiscally responsible government was completely undercut by the unprecedented deficits he ran up, and he seemed more concerned with experimental defense projects than worthy social welfare causes. After all these years, though, it appears that Ronald Reagan knew exactly what he was doing. The man has saved America!"

While the White House has indicated that it has the right to spend the recovered money and instantly bring the country out of its prolonged recession, others believe that such an act would defy Reagan's wishes.

"If President Reagan hid the money there, it was for a good reason," Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) said. "Perhaps he was creating an anticommunist slush fund. Or perhaps, as one of his notebooks stated, he was hiding it from invisible pirates. Either way, we must not taint this great man's legacy by spending these precious funds on trifling social programs. If anything, we need to preserve Reagan's memory by sinking the entire payload into an unviable space-based antimissile system."

"Either that, or buy a glorious mountain of delicious jelly beans, like in those instructions we found," he added.

Regardless of the final allocation of the uncovered trillions, most Americans are simply marveling at the late president's astounding feat.

"When he said he wanted to put money back into America, I didn't think he meant it literally," Maine resident Michael Stargeon said. "I guess the poor man wasn't as crazy as everyone thought. Turns out he was a complete fucking lunatic."

[Wicked Pilot]

Recognized it as an Onion before I even finished reading the title.

Weak.

[loomer]

Didn't read the title, but picked it after the first couple of lines. It does lead me to the humourous image of a bumbling, senile Reagan digging a root cellar in the backyard of the White House and sneaking money from the whole Contra thing into it in his socks, smuggling the dirt out the same way. I can't help but imagine him yelling about communists while doing it.

If only he were still alive and a good enough sport to film an interview for the Onion to accompany this article.

[Crossroads Inc.]

Figured it out as soon as it mentioned "digging it up in the rose garden"

Now I don't know about you, But I would love for someone to calculate the cubic volume that 20 TRILLION Dollars in individual bills would take up... Even if you used 1000 dollar notes it would be more then 200,000,000 Individual notes!

[Mr. Coffee]

Not sure what the volume would be, but it'd weigh something like 22 million tons.

[ray245]

Any reason why are we posting Onion articles in the N&P section?

[Teebs]

Not sure what the volume would be, but it'd weigh something like 22 million tons.

I'm pretty sure 200,000,000 bank notes wouldn't weigh 22 million tons. That would give a weight per bank note of almost 100g. Then again 20 trillion dollars wouldn't be 200,000,000 1,000 dollar bank notes it would be 20,000,000,000 which gives a more realistic weight per bank note of circa 1g if they weighed 22 million tons in total.

Guessed it was an Onion article from the title by the way. The number was simply too high to be anything but a joke.

[General Zod]

Any reason why are we posting Onion articles in the N&P section?

You've been on the board for . . . how long again and you need to ask?



Seriously though this screamed Onion article as soon as I read the first sentence.

[Qwerty 42]

It actually had me for a moment, until they mentioned the Rose Garden.

[Darth Tanner]

$20 trillion would weigh 200,000 tonnes and have a total volume of over two and a half thousand square meters, a tenth of the pyramid at Giza.

Also if the US treasury printed nothing but $100 bills it would take 14 years to print.

I saw this on the onion a while ago.

The number was simply too high to be anything but a joke.

If you sold all of Europe and Russia you could just about have that much.

[Themightytom]

$20 trillion would weigh 200,000 tonnes and have a total volume of over two and a half thousand square meters, a tenth of the pyramid at Giza.

Also if the US treasury printed nothing but $100 bills it would take 14 years to print.

I saw this on the onion a while ago.

The number was simply too high to be anything but a joke.

If you sold all of Europe and Russia you could just about have that much.

Doesn't Russia have an assload of gold sunk too deep to reach from WWI?

[Kane Starkiller]

If you sold all of Europe and Russia you could just about have that much.

I think they are worth a tad bit more than that. $20 trillion is merely the worth of their yearly product.

[Darth Tanner]

I think they are worth a tad bit more than that. $20 trillion is merely the worth of their yearly product.

My mistake, that was their GDP not their net worth. Instead I'll say you could buy Canada three times over and have change for some African states on the side..

[Solauren]

You know, $20 billion buried away in budget items I could believe.

But not $20 Trillion literally buried.

Sorry Onion, that wasn't as good as some of the others.

[General Trelane (Retired)]

$20 trillion would weigh 200,000 tonnes and have a total volume of over two and a half thousand square meters, a tenth of the pyramid at Giza.

Volume is not measured in square meters.

Assuming you meant cubic meters, then your number is actually about a thousandth the volume of the Great Pyramid of Giza (which is about 2.5 million cubic meters).

[The Duchess of Zeon]

The amount is too much, for one. I would have preferred twenty billion worth of gold buillion accidentally misplaced in a bunch of rusting railcars at some government facility where it was to have been transferred to be sold during the Nixon era selloff of the US gold stockpiles, but it was misfiled as toxic waste and sealed into the boxcars.

[Sea Skimmer]

I’m reminded of one of the kings of IIRC Oman, who hid most of the nations foreign currency reserves under his mattress in the 1970s, only to have it eaten by moths.

[Serafina]

The amount is too much, for one. I would have preferred twenty billion worth of gold buillion accidentally misplaced in a bunch of rusting railcars at some government facility where it was to have been transferred to be sold during the Nixon era selloff of the US gold stockpiles, but it was misfiled as toxic waste and sealed into the boxcars.

Hm...that gives me a crazy idea...instead of basing a currency on gold, why not base it on uran

[Beowulf]

$20 trillion would weigh 200,000 tonnes and have a total volume of over two and a half thousand square meters, a tenth of the pyramid at Giza.

Volume is not measured in square meters.

Assuming you meant cubic meters, then your number is actually about a thousandth the volume of the Great Pyramid of Giza (which is about 2.5 million cubic meters).

Of course, it's still wrong, because $20 trillion in $100s would be about 226k m^3.

[Samuel]

The amount is too much, for one. I would have preferred twenty billion worth of gold buillion accidentally misplaced in a bunch of rusting railcars at some government facility where it was to have been transferred to be sold during the Nixon era selloff of the US gold stockpiles, but it was misfiled as toxic waste and sealed into the boxcars.

Hm...that gives me a crazy idea...instead of basing a currency on gold, why not base it on uran

You're not the first to recommend it. There was an entire spoof article recommending the Uranium/plutonium standard. We can deliver foreign aid by ICBM! It encourages individuals to spend and discourages hoarding! Theives will have their hands removed to prevent cancer!

[Surlethe]

Any reason why are we posting Onion articles in the N&P section?

You've been on the board for . . . how long again and you need to ask?

Don't backseat mod. Both of you.

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Any reason why are we posting Onion articles in the N&P section?

I believe it's very specifically to troll idiots like you.

[Akumz Razor]

The thread title had me thinking it was something to do with the bank bailouts, but as soon as I saw "Absentminded Reagan" I knew it was The Onion. No legitimate journalistic entity would do anything but shower him with praise.

[whackadoodle]

Hm...that gives me a crazy idea...instead of basing a currency on gold, why not base it on uran

For a moment I thought that you meant urine, not uranium.

"Drink, Comrades! Drink your weight in beer, for the good of the Fatherland!"

[Mr. Coffee]

Not sure what the volume would be, but it'd weigh something like 22 million tons.

I'm pretty sure 200,000,000 bank notes wouldn't weigh 22 million tons. That would give a weight per bank note of almost 100g. Then again 20 trillion dollars wouldn't be 200,000,000 1,000 dollar bank notes it would be 20,000,000,000 which gives a more realistic weight per bank note of circa 1g if they weighed 22 million tons in total.

My bad, I was basing that off of it being twenty trillion $1 notes. Should've said that...