A Thread for Stargate's Best Lines

[Bob the Gunslinger]

My wife and I were trying to remember some of our favorite Teal'c moments, so I did a search on SG1's best lines. This thread came up, and it was hilarious, so I thought that maybe we could restart the thread now that SG1 and SGA have ended and SGU is still providing us with some great lines, too.

This thread is for posting great lines, gags or scenes from the show as well as a discussion of the famous "Stargate humor" that SGU seems to be lacking according to some fans. If it would be better suited to another forum (or none at all) then I apologize and hope a mod will please take the appropriate action. That said, let me start things off.


Daniel: Let's just wait for things to calm down.
Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.


Teal'c: You have been impregnated, without copulation.
Vala: Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard anything like it?
Mitchell: Well there was one.
(Awkward silence)
Vala: Who?
Teal'c: Darth Vader
Vala: And how did that turn out?


Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack: Never run with scissors?


Ronon: You say that a lot.
Teal'c: What?
Ronon: Indeed.
Teal'c: Really?
Ronon: Yeah.
Teal'c: I had not noticed.

[Brother-Captain Gaius]

I particularly like this one because it's a rare (and amusing) glimpse into some of SG-1's family back stories - something SG:U is much more forthcoming with. In SG-1, we really only got everyone's HORRIFIC TRAUMATIC FAMILY STORY and that was it.

*Exploding star*

JACOB: "We're not gonna make it!"

*SG-1 saves the day*

JACOB: "Whew. That was close."
O'NEILL: "...I believe someone said 'We're not gonna make it.'"
JACOB: "Sam, let's get the hyperdrive running."
O'NEILL: "Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying 'We're not gonna make it!'. I think we made it."
JACOB: "I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we weren't going to make it."
O'NEILL: "Yes! Well! Maybe next time you'll just wait and see."
JACOB: "And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?"

*Jacob walks off*

O'NEILL: "...What?"

CARTER: *Following after Jacob* "Welcome to my life."

O'NEILL: "...What?"

[Old Plympto]

Ronon: You say that a lot.
Teal'c: What?
Ronon: Indeed.
Teal'c: Really?
Ronon: Yeah.
Teal'c: I had not noticed.

What sold me on the above is that Teal'c seemed genuinely surprised.

Carson: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?
Rodney: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes, with a woman!

[Zac Naloen]

Jack : Lucy I'm Home!

Teal'c : I am not Lucy.


Jack : As Sam Said, Nintendo's go through everything!

After Jack has got his head sucked in Fifth Race:

Jack : I am absolutely fine. There is nothing cruvus with me.

Jack : What?

Daniel : You just said there's nothing 'cruvus' with you.

Jack: I did not.

Daniel: Yes, you did.

Jack: No, I didn't.

Daniel: Yes, you did.

Jack: Didn't.

Daniel: Did.

Jack: Didn't.

Daniel: Did.

Jack: Cruvus, what is that?

And of course there is this one :


Jack : Lose it…it meant go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of one’s faculties, three fries short of a happy meal…WACKO!

[Vympel]

Slight paraphrase:-

Teal'c:- "I hear there is a place where women do battle in a pit of jello."

Jack:- "Call Daneil." *tosses him the phone*

[weemadando]

Jack: "IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING!"


Herak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Jack: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

[Bilbo]

Baal: I am Baal.
Jack: As in bocce?

Senator Kinnsey: What are you going to do Jack? Call the cops and have me arrested?
Jack: Actually I think I am going to get my gun and shoot you.

Todd: Enjoy the fruit. I hope it tastes as good as the farmer that grew it.

Thor: SUPREME commander.

Hammond: Is there any risk?
Jack: All desserts on base may be in grave danger?

[Gramzamber]

Urgo: Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf on television?

O'Neill: So the freezing plan didn't really pan out, how's that plan B working for you, good?
McKay: Well its more of a plan C, as in C4... catch my drift? You see we've placed C4 in all the shield emitters so when the Daedalus arrives, and the replicators activate the shield...
Woolsey: ...the shield goes down, the Daedalus arrives and beams a nuke in, and we all get vaporized!
O'Neill: Sounds more like a plan F doesn't it, as in we're totally?

[JME2]

I've always been a fan of the Wizard of Oz cracks both SG-1 and SGA made. While SGU's shown some humor, it won't officially be the ol' Stargate humor until their first crack at Oz. Anyway, here's one of my favorite Oz references in SGA, from "Ghost in the Machine":

Ronon: What the hell was that thing?
Teyla: It just appeared out of nowhere.
McKay: And that shriek scared the crap out of me.
Sheppard: Kind of a... flying monkey.
McKay: Flying monkeys! What is this, the planet of Oz?

And the follow-up to the gag...

Woolsey: But the planet. Suitable for an Alpha site?
Sheppard: Yeah, perfect. Well, except from the monkey-like creature flying around, but I think we can handle that.
Woolsey: Monkey?
Sheppard: Yeah, McKay's got some photos. He'll show 'em to ya.
Woolsey: Did you say flying?

[Chris OFarrell]

Some of the earlier seasons have some great lines.

O'Neill: "Come on! Lets go!"
Teal'c: "...I have no-where to go"
O'Neill: "For THIS? You can stay at my place!"
-Children of the Gods

"Okay! One shot hurts them...two shots kills them...and a third shot...?"
"Disintegrates them"
"...Oh. Great. You didn't feel this worth of mention, I take it?"
-O'Neill and Teal'c in Serpants Grasp

O'Neill: "Wait a minute. You put him in that thing to bring him back?"
Bre'tac: "I knew it would delay the attack until he arose. Perhaps when the warships of your world attack-"
Sam: "Uh, excuse me, did you say the warships of our world?"
Bre'tac: "Surely you have such vessels?!"
Daniel :"Well, we have a number of...um..."
O'Neill/Daniel: "...shuttles..."
Bre'tac: "These...shuttles...they are a formidable craft?
O'Neill: "Oh yeah. Yeah. *walking away talking to himself* Bad day".
-O'Neill, Sam, Daniel and Bre'tac in Serpants Lair

Aphosis: "Bre'tac?! How DARE you betray me?!"
Bre'Tac: "I have spent 133 years worshipping false gods. NO MORE!"
-Pops and Bre'tac, just because that is just an awesome bit.

Bre'tac: "The shield generators are far below...There *points* in the very bowels of the ship. We must climb down several decks, through the length of the ship. The taking our weapons, we must..
*And all this time Jack has been calmly and quietly pulling a pair of grenades out, pulling their pins, holding them out, before finally dropping them down....and there is a large explosion, followed by the sound of a shield generator shutting down.
Jack: "Greandes" *finally explaining what they are*
-Again, Serpants Lair, I was just watching this if it wasn't clear...

Aphosis: "O'Neill. I am dying".
O'Neill: "My heart bleeds"
Aphosis: "You lie poorly"
O'Neill: "What do you want?"
Aphosis: "To live"
O'Neill: "Sorry, can't help you. That's between you and your God...oh wait...you *are* your God. That's a problem"
-Serpents Song.

[Brother-Captain Gaius]

Ah, how could I forget some of the early stuff? "Solitudes":

*Carter is snuggled up to O'Neill. Carter frowns and shifts awkwardly, then looks down*
CARTER: "Uh... sir..."
O'NEILL: "My sidearm. I swear."

[Bilbo]

Tealc: (Holding up Ronon's gun) I would very much one of these.

Ronon: (Taking fun from Tealc) Get in line.

[PeZook]

Jack, shouting at a door being beaten down by Jaffa: IN A MINUTE!

That one always cracked me up.

And for some reason, I liked the exchange after SG-1 blew up Apophis's ship stayed in my memory:

Bra'Tac: Teal'c...if we die here, then we die well.

Teal'c: More than that, my friend. We die free.

[The Yosemite Bear]

out take but damn funny

I'm stuck on a glacier with McGuyver!-Amanda Tapping

[Braedley]

O'NEILL: It's easy, just jump, then pull this.
TEAL'C: This does not seem wise, O'Neill!
O'NEILL: I said it was easy, not wise.
-Watergate

MITCHELL: This is not our first barbecue, Doctor McKay!
MCKAY: I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky, if not borderline impossible.
(smugly) You may need me.
VALA: (laughing) Colonel Carter said as much.
CARTER: Oooh, we weren't going to tell him that.
-The Pegasus Project

[Gandalf]

(When looking to replace Daniel)
Jack: Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.

[Themightytom]

O'Neill: "Ah Trees, trees and more trees, what a wonderful green universe we live in!"

Nick Marlowe, "Its what I Do... Its What I Do."

Raymond 'Ray' Gunne: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant which is based on the character, uh, Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader in the feature film.

Colonel Mitchell: "Weapons to maximum!"
Officer:"sir?"
Colonel mitchell: "Its a joke marks, just make it go."

I forget the last one but someone told a crewmember on one of the ships to make sure weapons were ready, and the crew member replied "Well all I do to fire the weapons is press this button so.. ready."

[CaptJodan]

Jack: Use two of those things.
Reynolds: Sir?
Jack: It's a "blast door"!
(hilarious, but given how C-4 is always less powerful in SG universe than real life, I suppose you would need two)

and later...

Jack: I expect to be put in your will.
Sylar: Already in it sir.
Jack: Ok, that's...weird.

Baal: "You dare mock me?"
Jack: "Come on Ba'al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you."

[Kodiak]

O'Neil: Teal'c, prepare to assist in damage control.
Teal'c: I am prepared, O'Neil.
O'Neil: See how melodramatic that sounds? It's unnecessary.

[Imperial Overlord]

Jack: Who ever heard of an archeologist carrying a gun.
*Daniel sticks up his hand.*
Jack: Other than you.

Criminal Dude: Great. We have an archeologist covering our six.
Daniel: *holding up his Baretta* Which end do the bullets go in again?

Teal'c: A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard, and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet. There is a great deal of animosity and they are very tense. The Serpent Guard's eyes glow. The Horus Guard's nose gleams. And the Setesh Guard's nose . . . drips. *Teal'c bursts out laughing and slaps the table.*

Jack: What the hell does "kree" mean?
Teal'c: It is a call for attention or emphasis.
Jack: It means yoo-hoo?

[Atlan]

HAMMOND: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering with other people's affairs.
O'NEILL: ... Since when, Sir?

[JME2]

O'Neill: There's a man... He's bald and wears a short-sleeved shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

[Chris OFarrell]

O'Neill: "Whole boxes of the material could be missing."
Daniel: "No, the Pentagon said this was everything."
O'Neill: "Oh please. The Pentagon has lost entire countries before".
-The Torment Of Tantalus

Just about every time O'Neill and Ba'al are in the same room counts to this as well...

[The_Saint]

*In the middle of a large fire fight*
Dixon: Hi Jack, thanks for coming
Jack: I was told you said there were six Jaffa ... where'd you learn to count?
- Season 7 "Heroes"

*Reading over a tv script that parodies Stargate Command*
Sam: You know the really unbelievable part is that anyone would consider spending millions of dollars on this thing ... I mean seriously, all these writers and they couldn't come up with anything better?
...
...
Teal'c: It allegedly performed well on DVD
- season 10 "200"

Mind you just about every line in 200 is a worthy quote... especially the entire dialog surrounding the report on the trip back to 1969.

[Old Plympto]

Mind you just about every line in 200 is a worthy quote... especially the entire dialog surrounding the report on the trip back to 1969.

That was an awesome exchange between everyone. Copy pasted from the internet:

Sam: Even still, do you know how many mission files there are?

Cameron: 1,263. Hopefully sixty-four by the end of the day.

Daniel: Actually, it's 1,264 already.

Cameron: No, it's sixty-three. I'm pretty sure I've read all the files recently.

Sam: Actually, you haven't read 30185.

Cameron: 30185? What's that?

Daniel: We can't tell you.

Cameron: What do you mean, "you can't tell me?" I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?

Sam: We were sworn to secrecy.

Cameron: Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is?

Sam: Sorry.

Vala: Can you tell me?

Daniel: Oh yeah, we can tell you.

Sam: Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.

Cameron: Well, that can't have anything to do with me, I wasn't born 'till a year later.

Daniel: Actually, it was… nine months before he was born.

Cameron: What?

Sam: You have to remember, it was the sixties.

Daniel: Come on, you have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.

Cameron: Jack?… O'Neill?

Teal'c: Indeed.

Sam: Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?

Vala: Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is…

Cameron: …my daddy?

Daniel: All starting to make sense now, isn't it?

Teal'c: Hmm.

Long pause.

Cameron: Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?