ManPassionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution ToBe

[Dominus Atheos]

The Onion

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

[CaptJodan]

Seriously, how can this be an Onion article? This sounds like most of the right wing nut jobs today. This would be real news if this was...you know, news to begin with.

[CarsonPalmer]

I know the joke has often been made that the Onion can't be distinguished from real conservatives, but here, its more true than its ever been. The body of the article is obviously the Onion, but the quotes from the object of the satire could be placed into Glenn Beck's mouth and be believable. That's frustrating and frightening.

[Prannon]

Ok, usually I can sense an Onion article after reading a little of it and realizing how ludicrous it really all sounds, but I never once caught on while reading this one. I didn't see the link up at the top (stupid me), and I never realized that it was all fake. Honestly, I think there really is someone out there like this. Just change the names.

[Patrick Degan]

Ok, usually I can sense an Onion article after reading a little of it and realizing how ludicrous it really all sounds, but I never once caught on while reading this one. I didn't see the link up at the top (stupid me), and I never realized that it was all fake. Honestly, I think there really is someone out there like this. Just change the names.

That is the sad fact of politics and the Right Wing in these days. Satire is almost impossible because there are plenty of wingnuts who actually believe shit just like this and it's a mere question of time before one of them (if not an actual candidate for office) makes a statement in the real news which mirrors almost exactly this Onion piece.

[PeZook]

Oh please.

Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

Yeah, sure, real news article right there.

[Hawkwings]

I identified it as an Onion article from the first sentence. The rest of you are either blind, lack reading comprehension, or are willfully deluding yourselves.

Honestly? "...is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution"

[Surlethe]

It took you guys to the first sentence to figure it out? Not the link right at the top of the OP that says, "The Onion"?

[Andrew J.]

The quotes from they guy are realistic. The article deconstructing his argument and beliefs, sadly, is not.

[Serafine666]

It's some pretty good satire but I think that if the author was mocking typical or even common right-wing beliefs and attitudes, it'd be much more funny. On the other hand, it's somewhat interesting that there is more than one respondent that regards the satire as being a more or less accurate portrayal of the typical right-winger.