Diabo: Rebirth

[Ford Prefect]

Oh god, I'm so stupid.

“We’re busy. We want to make”

You want to make what?

[Lusankya]

“We’re busy. We want to make”

You want to make what?

I have no idea.

Sentence fragment deleted.

[Lusankya]

By popular request, another Paint picture of a character:

I give to you... FROD!

[Ford Prefect]

I totally look like a red haired, poorly dressed Sephiroth.

[Shroom Man 777]

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

FROD will RUE!

RUUUEEEEEEEE!!!!

[Zablorg]

I always imagined SHROOM as being some kind of Dr. Zoidberg-goblin thing, frankly. I never expected what appears to be a...

walking mushroom toad?

[PainRack]

no. its perfect! With more legs, he can't nestle between bunny

[Lusankya]

Wow. I haven't updated this in aaaages.

Oh well.

Chapter Six

Baal was amused.

Of course, Baal was often amused, so this fact wasn’t particularly news-worthy in and of itself. He was always thinking of new ways to play jokes on people. Once he had covered an entire town with honey and then teleported several thousand fire ant nests into the vicinity. That had kept him chortling for a good few days, until everyone except the fire ants had died, and it became boring. That’s when he had decided to burn the place to the ground. That didn’t take very long, but the ants sounded like popcorn as they were burnt to a crisp, which Baal thought was a hoot.

All in all, Baal was easily amused, but one thing that rarely amused him was either of his brothers. Mephisto, of course, was usually a spoilsport, and Diablo… well, assuming that he wasn’t talking about his bloody baseball results, he still wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. With this in mind, it was quite strange to see Baal amused by the actions of one of his brothers – doubly so, given the fact that the source of said amusement wasn’t being set on fire or otherwise mutilated.

See, Mephisto, eldest of the Prime Evils and Lord of Hatred had found something that he liked. Someone, actually, and he was gurgling over said someone like a mother chook. Seeing Mephisto reduced to this was funnier even than arranging for incompetents to get into high public office.

The person that Mephisto had taken a shining to, of course, was Zablorg. Having encountered Roccondil and Nimthiriel as they were taking their son to Lusankya to complain about his current predicament, Mephisto immediately decided that Zablorg was The Best Thing Ever, and had started showing him to everybody about the place.

“Look at him!” Mephisto was telling a group of hapless demons. “He looks exactly like me! Isn’t he just precious! His name’s Zablorg, and he’s seven years old, and his favourite food is lollies, and he’s going to live in the castle with us from now on! And he likes to play Uno, so from now on whenever he asks any of you shmucks to play with him, you will play. Is that clear?”

The sound of awkward shuffling and muted assents came from the crowd.

“What’s going on over there?” some penguiney demon asked Baal.

“Oh, nothing important,” Baal said. “But I’ll give you seven virgins if you go up there and say that Zablorg looks like an idiot.”

The penguiney demon thought about the offer for a moment. “Fifteen virgins, and you’re on.”

“Ten virgins and a bucket of fish,” Baal countered.

“Done.” The penguiney demon waddled off towards Mephisto and began making a hefty speech about how much of an idiot Zablorg looked like. Baal was quite impressed – the little demon was performing well above expectations. It was a shame that he was about to be – Baal chuckled in satisfaction as he saw Mephisto’s pride turn into unbridled rage as he began zapping the penguiney demon with lightning and then chased him down the corridor – that is to say, was in the process of being killed.

“I hope that made you happy,” a voice said behind him.

Baal turned around to see an angel standing next to what’s-his-name – that Suit-man with Mephisto’s soulstone. She didn’t look happy, but Baal found that nobody did after being around him for a few minutes. Well, almost nobody anyway, and that was the way he liked it.

“Why yes, it did make me happy,” he said. “Did you see the way that penguin jumped? Hilarious! Who are you anyway?”

“Zablorg’s mother,” the Grumpy-angel said. She looked rather frazzled. “Oh well, at least you distracted that monster long enough for us to get Zablorg away from him.” She turned her attention to her son. “Come along, Zabbie,” she cooed. “It’s time to go and see Arachnid Lady for your doctor’s appointment.”

Suit-man and Baal stood looking at each other in silence as Grumpy-angel tried to coax her son out of the now very enthusiastic crowd of demons who felt that playing Uno with some kid was a better fate than being lightning bolted to death by Mephisto.

After a few moments, Suit-man decided to break the ice. “I don't trust you,” he said.

“Smart man,” Baal replied. “I wouldn’t trust me either.”

“But I do hate you,” Suit-man continued.

“Ah, my friend,” Baal said. “This is where we differ. See, I don’t hate you. Not one bit.”

“You don’t?” Suit-man looked surprised.

“Not at all. You see,” said Baal. “I don’t care one whit whether you live or die. You live now because my brother needs you, but should that situation change, then I will kill you – or not – as it amuses me. And then I will forget about you as soon as your suffering ceases to be entertaining.”

“That’s sick,” Suit-man said. “At least Mephisto cares when he kills people. He has at least some feelings.”

“And that, my friend, is why I am more powerful than my brother,” Baal said. “He lets hatred cloud his actions, while I just do what is best for me.”

“What do you mean ‘best for–’,” Suit-man began to ask.

“I’ve got him!” Grumpy-angel came up leading Zablorg. He seemed to have been bribed away from the Uno-games with a lollipop. “Quick, we’d better get going before the demons try to play with him again.”

“Right,” Suit-man said. The family began heading towards Lusankya’s quarters.

Baal followed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Grumpy-angel asked.

“I’m going this way,” Baal replied.

“And what for?” asked Suit-man.

Baal feigned indignation. “Why, the woman who holds my very soul is in the very location where you are headed, and you want to know why I want to go there. I feel hurt, truly upset.” He attempted to ham up his act, but couldn’t quite contain his smirk. Grumpy-angel gave him a disgusted look.

“Come along, Nim,” Suit-man said. “I think it’s a good idea to just ignore this clown.”

The two then attempted to ignore Baal, who then decided to turn his attention to a newer, more malleable target. Like Zablorg.

“Hello Zabbie,” he said. “I’m your Uncle Baal.”

“Uncle, my arse,” he heard Grumpy-angel mutter.

“Shh, Dear,” Suit-man murmured. “Just ignore him and he’ll go away.”

“Hello, Uncle Baal,” Zablorg said.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” Baal asked.

“I gots a lollipop,” Zablorg said. “But I’m kinda sick of eating it. It’s lemon flavoured. I don’t like lemon. Do you want it?” He took the lolly out of his mouth and held it out to Baal.

“Erm, okay,” Baal said, taking the child’s lolly. He took a taste of it. “Ooh, this is quite nice! Where did you get it?”

“I dunno,” Zablorg said. “Mum’s the one who gets them. All I do is eat ‘em up.”

“Oh,” said Baal. “Hey, Crazy Angel Lady!” he called out. “Where did you get these lollipops from?”

“Like hell I’m telling you,” Grumpy-angel replied.

“Nuts,” Mephisto said, going back to suck on his lollipop. It really was delicious.

Upon arriving at Lusankya’s quarters, it was agreed by all relevant parties – i.e. Baal – that Baal should be the first to enter. Lusankya was in there, draped over a couch and looking elegant as usual.

“Ah, Baal,” she said. “Just the person I wanted to… wait, why did you decide to bring these losers here?”

Suit-man and Grumpy-angel bristled in anger in the background.

“I didn’t bring them,” Baal said. “I followed them. They wanted to talk to you about that problem.” He pointed his thumb roughly in Zablorg’s direction.

“Your brother?” Lusankya looked mildly confused. “How is he a problem?”

“It’s not Mephisto,” Suit-man said. “It’s our son.”

A look of understanding crept over Lusankya’s face. “Ohhhh…” she said. “Baal, do you mind waiting while I discuss this matter with them?”

“Not at all,” Baal said, and settled himself down in a comfy chair, where he and Zablorg could make faces at each other, much to Grumpy-angel’s displeasure.

Lusankya listened to Suit-man and Grumpy-angel’s story patiently, nodding her head at all the right moments. Then, when they’d finished, she gave her opinion on the matter.

“What do you mean, ‘It’s not so bad’?” Suit-man shouted. “My son has been turned into,” Suit-man shuddered and pointed at Baal, “his brother, and all you have to say about it is, ‘It’s not so bad’! What could be ‘not so bad’ about this?”

“Please, calm down,” Lusankya said. “I want to show you something. Baal?”

“Yes?” Baal replied.

“You know that thing you do – the shape changing one? Can you show it to them?”

“I’m not your pet, you know,” said Baal.

“I know.” Lusankya smiled sweetly. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

“You’d better,” Baal muttered. He stood up, and began to transform. Spikes and horns diminished in size, and his skin changed to a colour that was only ever so slightly off that of a human. Four legs merged together into two, and soon there stood in the room a man – a man with a visage that spoke of pure evil, but a man nonetheless.

“Is this what you wanted?” he asked, putting on his sweetest voice.

Grumpy-angel gasped.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Baal asked. “Surprised?”

“Something like that,” Grumpy-angel said.

“Well, this is very nice,” said Suit-man, “but I don’t see what this has got to do with our little Zabbie.”

“It’s quite simple,” Lusankya said. “All of the Prime Evils can transform like this, and given the nature of Zablorg’s transformation, I wouldn’t be surprised if he could do it too. Just try to teach him a bit, and soon he’ll be looking just as human as you ever wanted him to. It’s just that he’ll be able to turn into an enormous demon whenever he feels like it, too.”

“Why didn’t you mention that something like this could happen before our son turned into a demon?” Grumpy-angel asked.

“Nim,” Lusankya said firmly. “Side-effects like this are quite common when channelling demonic energies, unless you take due care to avoid them. We’ve discussed the matter with your husband countless times before in relation to other circumstances. I certainly didn’t expect him to suddenly forget about it when he was channelling Mephisto’s power of all things. I can hardly be blamed for his incompetence.”

“Argh!” Grumpy-angel shouted. “Come on Zablorg, it’s time to go home. We have some training to do. Ric, you too.” She grabbed her husband and her son by the hands, and dragged them out of the room.

“Bye, Uncle Baal!” Zablorg waved goodbye.

“And none of this ‘Uncle Baal’ crap, do you hear me?” Grumpy angel shouted at her son, as she slammed the door shut behind her.

“They’re going to betray you some time,” Baal said to Lusankya.

“I know,” she said. “I hope so. It will give me an excuse to kill him.”

“But won’t that…” Baal started to say. “Ooh. That’s clever. I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

“I received word from Klavier,” Lusankya said. “Diablo’s in Tristram.”

“Good to hear,” Baal said. “I’ve heard that place is still corrupt. He did a good job over there.”

“But there’s bad news – I believe our spy in Naderith was compromised, or will soon be compromised. We need to move our forces into there as soon as possible. Has Mephisto finished rallying the demons yet?”

“Almost,” Baal said. “There are only a few holdouts left, but I think my brother will deal with them soon enough.”

“Good. I want you to ask him to hurry up, though,” Lusankya said. "I want to be moving within the week.”

“At once,” Baal said. He turned to leave.

“Now wait a second!” Lusankya said. “You don’t have to go just yet. I still haven’t made it up to you.”

“Made what up to me?” Baal asked.

Lusankya sidled up to Baal and stroked his chest. “Remember how I said I’d make it up to you if you changed form?”

“Yes…”

“Well,” said Lusankya, moving her hands lower, “it seems that you can’t change into somebody who is wearing clothes...”

“Oh,” said Baal. “Ohhhh…”

[Shroom Man 777]

Man, Lusy-chan, you weren't kidding about the secksies. From my manly-manny-man-man point of view, Baal also's pretty secksy. Man, what a hot guy.

Naughty Lusty-chan. You and your scheming schemings and secksies.

Zablorg is cutes.

[Ford Prefect]

Man, Baal is such a dick. Also he's coming to my town. That screwed up the barbarians, for Christ sake, and live in a huge mountain fortress and are all huge mountain men who also happen to be unstoppable demon threshing machines who could sometimes beat Conan in an arm wrestle. And I'm level one.