Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further

[Rogue 9]

Source.

Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further

January 26, 2010

SILVER SPRING, MD—Frustrated by continued demands from viewers for more awesome and extreme programming, Science Channel president Clark Bunting told reporters Tuesday that his cable network was "completely incapable" of watering down science any further than it already had.

"Look, we've tried, we really have, but it's simply not possible to set the bar any lower," said a visibly exhausted Bunting, adding that he "could not in good conscience" make science any more mindless or insultingly juvenile. "We already have a show called Really Big Things, which is just ridiculous if you think about it, and one called Heavy Metal Taskforce, which I guess deals with science on some distant level, though I don't know what it is. Plus, there's Punkin Chunkin."

"Punkin Chunkin, for Christ's sake," added Bunting, referring to the popular program in which contestants launch oversized pumpkins into the air using catapults. "What more do you people want?"

Along with Bunting's remarks, the Science Channel issued a statement claiming that it currently airs more than 150 programming hours that are tangentially, and often laughably, related to science, and that staff members are unable to bring themselves to make those hours even more asinine.

Debbie Myers, general manager of the Science Channel, said the cable station has maintained a balance of 5 percent science content and 95 percent mind-numbing drivel over the past few years, and that this was as far as they were willing to go.

"At this point, having the word 'how' in a show's title is about as close to scientific investigation as we get," Myers said. "In fact, I don't even know how we can justify airing a show like Mantracker at all. A cowboy hunts contestants down using his trailing skills? I guess you could say it makes the audience use 'observation' by watching what happens on screen."

"Observation is a part of science, right?" Myers added. "Jesus Christ."

A survey of the network's current schedule confirmed Monday that on-air demonstrations of such basic scientific principles as "inertia" and "momentum" are mostly relegated to pushing a blindfolded participant strapped to an office chair down a steep hill, while other concepts, such as "sublimation," are regularly demonstrated by strapping dynamite to a large fiberglass Big Boy statue and then watching it explode.

As evidence of their refusal to further water down programming, network sources pointed to a number of proposed shows they've abandoned in recent weeks, including an animal-based bungee-jumping program called Extreme Gravity, and Atom Smashers, a series that was was roundly rejected by focus groups as being "too technical" and "not awesome enough."

"People liked that the particle accelerators were really huge, but apparently the show didn't have enough smashing to hold their interest," said a former employee who wished to remain anonymous. "In the end, it was either add a huge monster truck for no reason whatsoever or pull the plug on the entire project. Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to face my wife and children had we gone through with it."

While they won't be dumbing down their already crude lineup of shows, Science Channel officials assured viewers that the network will continue to cater to the lowest common denominator and will keep airing embarrassingly base content completely stripped of all intellectual integrity. Officials also noted that the cable channel greatly values the 18- to 45-year-old demographic of louts, clods, and empty-headed dumb fucks.

"I don't like it when the science people talk about things no one can even understand," said Rich Parker, an Ohio resident. "It's like, just quit your yapping and dip the chain saw into the liquid nitrogen already."

David Zaslav, CEO of the network's parent company, Discovery Communications, said he has not ruled out rebranding the Science Channel as the Stuff Channel.

[Darth Wong]

You know, even though it's a satire it really isn't too far from reality. It really annoys me that 99% of the people you'll see on Discovery or History Channel are neither scientists or historians. There are entire shows devoted to guys who don't even have a fucking high school education, but who do things like logging or driving trucks or crab fishing.

[Alyrium Denryle]

You know, even though it's a satire it really isn't too far from reality. It really annoys me that 99% of the people you'll see on Discovery or History Channel are neither scientists or historians. There are entire shows devoted to guys who don't even have a fucking high school education, but who do things like logging or driving trucks or crab fishing.

There is a reason I dont bother watching (or even having)TV anymore Mike. It used to be that the Discovery Network had something worth watching. I got stuff like Wild Discovery and could watch Steve Irwin try and fail to get himself killed. Maybe see something about the formation of stars, about a lost tribe somewhere. OOH! And a special on the construction and use of medieval weaponry or the technology possessed by the ancients.

Now I see Pet Psychics, Haunting Detectives, and whatever the fuck that show is about the despoilers of the environment (loggers) who somehow kept their show on the history channel despite being caught LOGGING WITHOUT PERMITS.

Fuck that.

[Ryan Thunder]

Now I see Pet Psychics, Haunting Detectives, and whatever the fuck that show is about the despoilers of the environment (loggers) who somehow kept their show on the history channel despite being caught LOGGING WITHOUT PERMITS.

Just remember, its all scripted. Nobody could possibly be that stupid in real life.

[Alyrium Denryle]

Now I see Pet Psychics, Haunting Detectives, and whatever the fuck that show is about the despoilers of the environment (loggers) who somehow kept their show on the history channel despite being caught LOGGING WITHOUT PERMITS.

Just remember, its all scripted. Nobody could possibly be that stupid in real life.

You're joking right? Yes, they certainly can be.

It is scripted too... but god damn yes they can be that stupid in real life.

[Ryan Thunder]

You're joking right?

Yes, I was joking. Village idiot though I may be, I am not that stupid.

[PeZook]

Now I see Pet Psychics, Haunting Detectives, and whatever the fuck that show is about the despoilers of the environment (loggers) who somehow kept their show on the history channel despite being caught LOGGING WITHOUT PERMITS.

Fuck that.

Holy shit...I'm still getting proper science on the Discovery Channel over here. Should I be worried? I like watching my shows about the universe, industrial engineering, mythbusters and shit

[Zac Naloen]

I was about to say the same thing Pezook, sure History Channel airs some funny stuff like Ice Road truckers.. but Discovery and National Geographic are still great documentary channels over here. And of course we also have BBC Four over here with all the quality the bbc puts out.

[Darth Wong]

Over here, Discover Channel airs stupid shit like "The Nostradamus Effect" and "Ghost Hunters" and "Mystery of the Crystal Skulls". It's doubly pathetic when a show's stupidity is obvious from its name alone.

That "Crystal Skulls" one is an old one. I remember seeing it many years ago, and guffawing aloud at the sheer stupidity of the scene when a guy touches one of the crystal skulls and they monitor its surface temperature, to discover that it's warmer where he touched it. Oooooh, such a surprise! Naturally, they ignore the possibility that he merely transferred energy from his hand to the object, and conclude that they just witnessed energy generation from the skull. It really says a lot about the Discovery Channel that they aired this idiotic bullshit.

[Srelex]

Over here, Discover Channel airs stupid shit like "The Nostradamus Effect" and "Ghost Hunters" and "Mystery of the Crystal Skulls". It's doubly pathetic when a show's stupidity is obvious from its name alone.

That "Crystal Skulls" one is an old one. I remember seeing it many years ago, and guffawing aloud at the sheer stupidity of the scene when a guy touches one of the crystal skulls and they monitor its surface temperature, to discover that it's warmer where he touched it. Oooooh, such a surprise! Naturally, they ignore the possibility that he merely transferred energy from his hand to the object, and conclude that they just witnessed energy generation from the skull. It really says a lot about the Discovery Channel that they aired this idiotic bullshit.

Crystal skulls? Uh, they are aware that Indy 4 was not a documentary, right?

[Darth Wong]

Crystal skulls? Uh, they are aware that Indy 4 was not a documentary, right?

Indy 4 was based on a long-running paranormal mythology about South American crystal skulls. They didn't make it up.

Of course, it's worth noting that none of the famed real-life crystal skulls were ever found in an actual documented archaeological dig, and every one of them is probably a forgery. Nevertheless, there's an entire paranormal mythology about them.

[Xess]

This effect has been bothering me for a long time. I remember seeing shows about actual science on Discovery, they then became shows about people building motorcycles which then became shows about psychics where a bunch of idiots run around with a grain night-vision camera and pretend every noise is proof of the current house being haunted. One show had the psychics going on about this throbbing and heat, it turned out to be the furnace in the next room. They then acted like finding out their super powers mistook a furnace for a ghost is a rare event and mostly they actually find ghosts not mundane things idiots would mistake for ghosts. Hell I remember when TLC had shows on science and technology rather than endless shows about fashion, cakes and midgets. The Learning Channel my ass, it's Tender Love & Care now.

[Srelex]

Indy 4 was based on a long-running paranormal mythology about South American crystal skulls. They didn't make it up.

Of course, it's worth noting that none of the famed real-life crystal skulls were ever found in an actual documented archaeological dig, and every one of them is probably a forgery. Nevertheless, there's an entire paranormal mythology about them.

Reminds me of a documentary I once saw with Roger Moore--I think it may have been on one of these channels--according to which 'scans' revealed that the interior of the Great Pyramid would fit a flying saucer and possessed 'authentic footage' of supposed KGB troops armed inexplicably with M16s standing around a leftover spaceship prop from Men in Black and declaring it to be 'a real alien spacecraft'. Is this the level of the kinda shit they show?

[salm]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

[Srelex]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

Because TV entertainment can be cheaper and potentially more profitable than movies. And not everyone can be bothered to get or afford internet, nor put up with slowass connections.

[Sinewmire]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

There's still the odd gem, like Firefly, being made.

Not often, I admit, and TV moves like a snake to stamp out* any sign of originality or quality, but it still happens.

That and my DVD player is SCART'ed into my TV.


*I know snakes cannot stamp. Mixed simile/metaphor.

[PeZook]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

I mostly watch National Geographic and Discovery for documentaries, and Comedy Central for mindless entertainment (sitcoms ahoy!). Most of the time, though, my TV serves for watching DVD movies and as a computer monitor.

[Zac Naloen]

Over here, Discover Channel airs stupid shit like "The Nostradamus Effect" and "Ghost Hunters" and "Mystery of the Crystal Skulls". It's doubly pathetic when a show's stupidity is obvious from its name alone.

All that sort of stuff is on History Channel over here.

[Srelex]

Over here, Discover Channel airs stupid shit like "The Nostradamus Effect" and "Ghost Hunters" and "Mystery of the Crystal Skulls". It's doubly pathetic when a show's stupidity is obvious from its name alone.

All that sort of stuff is on History Channel over here.

Thankfully my history channel shows actual history. Even if does repeat the same WW2 documentaries.

[Zac Naloen]

Over here, Discover Channel airs stupid shit like "The Nostradamus Effect" and "Ghost Hunters" and "Mystery of the Crystal Skulls". It's doubly pathetic when a show's stupidity is obvious from its name alone.

All that sort of stuff is on History Channel over here.

Thankfully my history channel shows actual history. Even if does repeat the same WW2 documentaries.

Oh it shows plenty of history stuff as well. Cities of the Underworld is usually interesting, if a little over the top.

But there are lots and lots of repeats of ww2 and hitler..

Also Sunday and Monday is Mysteryquest and Notradamus Effect.

Good for a laugh, but not actually good programming.

[Zixinus]

I thought the article was real until I noticed Mike's post. I mean, I can seriously believe that some all science channels are struggling with that sort of shit: they have to hit a chord where they are interesting but also up to the value of their original material.

[Twoyboy]

Of course, it's worth noting that none of the famed real-life crystal skulls were ever found in an actual documented archaeological dig, and every one of them is probably a forgery. Nevertheless, there's an entire paranormal mythology about them.

I dunno, I'm pretty sure Dan Aykroyd was digging pretty deep when he came up with this.

On topic, you almost got me with this one. Not that I have those channels in Australia (without paying for Foxtel) but the level of documentaries is definitely on a downward slide, ever since I saw the one about how HIV was created by Polio vaccinations.

[GrandMasterTerwynn]

Now I see Pet Psychics, Haunting Detectives, and whatever the fuck that show is about the despoilers of the environment (loggers) who somehow kept their show on the history channel despite being caught LOGGING WITHOUT PERMITS.

Fuck that.

Holy shit...I'm still getting proper science on the Discovery Channel over here. Should I be worried? I like watching my shows about the universe, industrial engineering, mythbusters and shit :(

Of all the regular shows presently on the Discovery Channel, only Mythbusters really qualifies as science. And even then, only barely . . . insofar as there's talk of designing experiments and collecting empirical data to either support or disprove a hypothesis. Unfortunately, that quickly gets lost in favor of showing the presenters being idiots and the required pointlessly gratuitously overkill explosion. Don't get me wrong, I like Mythbusters enough to have collected just about all the DVDs, but as far as science goes it's really watered down.

But otherwise, what's scientific or educational about watching a bunch of grown men swearing like sailors aboard a crab boat, Mike Rowe with his arm up a cow's ass, or a show about some dudes who build cars and motorcycles and whatever who wouldn't know what a formal education was if one bent them over and sodomized them with an oxy-acetylene torch?

[salm]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

Because TV entertainment can be cheaper and potentially more profitable than movies. And not everyone can be bothered to get or afford internet, nor put up with slowass connections.

More profitable? To whom? The TV owners? Definately not.
Cheaper, well, ok, maybe the poorest of the poor in western nations can´t afford to rent a 1,50€ movie but that´s it. In poorer countries nobody rents them anyway because you can just buy very good pirated copies there for allmost no money (not advocating it just saying that that´s how it is there).
Same for internet.

So, well, there might be a couple of people for whom television is the only option but very many - including a lot of who are complaining about bad tv - can aford renting movies and reasonable internet connections.

[salm]

I don´t understand why people still have TVs. The news are available as live streams, movies are much better when not interrupted by commercials and most of the series are and "dokus" are the worst pile of bullshit that´s ever been thought up by man. Why the hell is this medium even still successful?

There's still the odd gem, like Firefly, being made.

Not often, I admit, and TV moves like a snake to stamp out* any sign of originality or quality, but it still happens.

That and my DVD player is SCART'ed into my TV.


*I know snakes cannot stamp. Mixed simile/metaphor.

Yeah and i´d rather shove bamboo up my fingernails than watch it with a gazillion commercial brakes. You can still watch Firefly on DVD and you can even rent it or watch it online.