Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied

[The Grim Squeaker]

Kids who get bullied and snubbed by peers may be more likely to have problems in other parts of their lives, past studies have shown. And now researchers have found at least three factors in a child's behavior that can lead to social rejection.

The factors involve a child's inability to pick up on and respond to nonverbal cues from their pals.

In the United States, 10 to 13 percent of school-age kids experience some form of rejection by their peers. In addition to causing mental health problems, bullying and social isolation can increase the likelihood a child will get poor grades, drop out of school, or develop substance abuse problems, the researchers say.

"It really is an under-addressed public health issue," said lead researcher Clark McKown of the Rush Neurobehavioral Center in Chicago.

And the social skills children gain on the playground or elsewhere could show up later in life, according to Richard Lavoie, an expert in child social behavior who was not involved with the study. Unstructured playtime — that is, when children interact without the guidance of an authority figure — is when children experiment with the relationship styles they will have as adults, he said.

Underlying all of this: "The number one need of any human is to be liked by other humans," Lavoie told LiveScience. "But our kids are like strangers in their own land." They don't understand the basic rules of operating in society and their mistakes are usually unintentional, he said.

Social rejection

In two studies, McKown and colleagues had a total of 284 children, ages 4 to 16 years old, watch movie clips and look at photos before judging the emotions of the actors based on their facial expressions, tones of voice and body postures. Various social situations were also described and the children were questioned about appropriate responses.

The results were then compared to parent/teacher accounts of the participants' friendships and social behavior.

Kids who had social problems also had problems in at least one of three different areas of nonverbal communication: reading nonverbal cues; understanding their social meaning; and coming up with options for resolving a social conflict.

A child, for example, simply may not notice a person's scowl of impatience or understand what a tapped foot means. Or she may have trouble reconciling the desires of a friend with her own. "It is important to try to pinpoint the area or areas in a child's deficits and then build those up," McKown explained.

Ways to help

When children have prolonged struggles with socializing, "a vicious cycle begins," Lavoie said. Shunned children have few opportunities to practice social skills, while popular kids are busy perfecting theirs. However, having just one or two friends can be enough to give a child the social practice he or she needs, he said.

Parents, teachers and other adults in a child's life can help, too. Instead of reacting with anger or embarrassment to a child who, say, asks Aunt Mindy if her new hairdo was a mistake, parents should teach social skills with the same tone they use for teaching long division or proper hygiene. If presented as a learning opportunity, rather than a punishment, children usually appreciate the lesson.

"Most kids are so desperate to have friends, they just jump on board," Lavoie said.

To teach social skills, Lavoie advises a five-step approach in his book "It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success" (Touchstone, 2006). The process works for children with or without learning disabilities and is best conducted immediately after a transgression has been made.

1) Ask the child what happened and listen without judgment.

2) Ask the child to identify their mistake. (Often children only know that someone got upset, but don't understand their own role in the outcome.)

3) Help the child identify the cue they missed or mistake they made, by asking something like: "How would you feel if Emma was hogging the tire swing?" Instead of lecturing with the word "should," offer options the child "could" have taken in the moment, such as: "You could have asked Emma to join you or told her you would give her the swing after your turn."

4) Create an imaginary but similar scenario where the child can make the right choice. For example, you could say, "If you were playing with a shovel in the sand box and Aiden wanted to use it, what would you do?"

5) Lastly, give the child "social homework" by asking him to practice this new skill, saying: "Now that you know the importance of sharing, I want to hear about something you share tomorrow."

The studies are detailed in the current issue of the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. They were funded by the Dean and Rosemarie Buntrock Foundation and the William T. Grant Foundation.

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

[Serafina]

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

Umm...getting better at social skills?
Worked for me, and it is certainly the logical remedy for the problem (removing the cause).

Yes, i know, easier said than done - but who said there has to be an easy solution?

[The Grim Squeaker]

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

Umm...getting better at social skills?
Worked for me, and it is certainly the logical remedy for the problem (removing the cause).

Yes, i know, easier said than done - but who said there has to be an easy solution?

Well, yeah, likewise, I mean they should study better ways to learn social skills or better more analytical breakdowns of social skills and expected human behavior.
"Normal human mannerisms to show anger are:x,y,z, subtle signs are "pouting, silence, 30% angle posture of body away from person"" etc'.

Break it down!

[Formless]

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

Umm...getting better at social skills?
Worked for me, and it is certainly the logical remedy for the problem (removing the cause).

Yes, i know, easier said than done - but who said there has to be an easy solution?

Well, yeah, likewise, I mean they should study better ways to learn social skills or better more analytical breakdowns of social skills and expected human behavior.
"Normal human mannerisms to show anger are:x,y,z, subtle signs are "pouting, silence, 30% angle posture of body away from person"" etc'.

Break it down!

The only reason anyone should be THAT lacking in social skills that you have to break it down to basic body language is if you are autistic. The rest of us picked most of that stuff up before our first birthday. The kind of skills you would WANT to teach are far more subtle, like "here is how you make friends and pick up chicks."

[Akhlut]

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

Umm...getting better at social skills?
Worked for me, and it is certainly the logical remedy for the problem (removing the cause).

Yes, i know, easier said than done - but who said there has to be an easy solution?

Well, yeah, likewise, I mean they should study better ways to learn social skills or better more analytical breakdowns of social skills and expected human behavior.
"Normal human mannerisms to show anger are:x,y,z, subtle signs are "pouting, silence, 30% angle posture of body away from person"" etc'.

Break it down!

Weren't you complaining about rote memorization in several other threads?

Anyway, as said by Serafina and Formless, learning these subtle cues isn't about rote memorization of them, but of recognizing such things in broad strokes, as well as proper responses to those cues (notice the two other big problems with bullying: understanding the social meaning of said cues and resolving social conflict). Most kids aren't going to need specific breakdown of every social cue, but a general primer ("if someone isn't smiling or looking neutral when you're talking, they're probably annoyed or concerned with something else," would be more appropriate instruction for the non-autistic spectrum people then "if the mouth corners of the mouth go below the midline of the mouth, and the eyes are not narrowed and the eyebrows are not bunched together, then the person is expressing anger").

And, as the article mentioned, for most kids, it isn't going to be about helping them read nonverbal cues as much as responding to them properly ("How would you feel if Joe hogged the sandbox? Do you think he'd feel the same about you hogging it?").

[AMT]

The only reason anyone should be THAT lacking in social skills that you have to break it down to basic body language is if you are autistic. The rest of us picked most of that stuff up before our first birthday. The kind of skills you would WANT to teach are far more subtle, like "here is how you make friends and pick up chicks."

Umm... I'm not autistic, and I had this issue as a kid (still to a certain degree and trying to work on it). So... yeah, there may be other reasons.

[Simon_Jester]

So, the big cause of kids being bullied is...their not being good at social skills? Big whoop, give us some damn useful solutions!

They did: teach them social skills, instead of just expecting them to learn it on their own. That may not be new or useful advice to you, but I bet there are parents who don't think in those terms and would profit from the advice.

I'm not going to weigh in on whether the lessons need to be about details of body language or about the broad stuff; I don't feel qualified to have an opinion.

[Formless]

The only reason anyone should be THAT lacking in social skills that you have to break it down to basic body language is if you are autistic. The rest of us picked most of that stuff up before our first birthday. The kind of skills you would WANT to teach are far more subtle, like "here is how you make friends and pick up chicks."

Umm... I'm not autistic, and I had this issue as a kid (still to a certain degree and trying to work on it). So... yeah, there may be other reasons.

Did you honestly not know a smile from a frown? Or did you simply not know how to respond to one? From what I know of child psychology, the only reason you should be that socially stunted is if you are either an undiagnosed autistic or SERIOUSLY socially isolated. Most kids simply do not need that basic of instruction. Even the mentally retarded, for as awkward as they are, know a smile from a frown. I've seen it in person, and yes, they do smile and do know when you are irritated with them. Considering that, I really can't help but call bullshit.

[Invictus ChiKen]

I gotta admit I had and still have the same issues. It sometimes takes me about a minute or more to figure out what peoples body gestures mean. I've also been told my body reads a blank. I.E. I hardly ever show any body language, really unnerves some people.

Oddest even was a girl screaming at me to please blink once in awhile. It freaked her out that sometimes I go for hours not blinking.

[Broomstick]

Did you honestly not know a smile from a frown? Or did you simply not know how to respond to one? From what I know of child psychology, the only reason you should be that socially stunted is if you are either an undiagnosed autistic or SERIOUSLY socially isolated.

Or they have trouble seeing.

I had vision problems that went undiagnosed for a number of years. When I got glasses and my vision was corrected to 20/20 I still had problems processing visual information because I didn't know what things looked like. Until I got my glasses if you were more than a few meters away I could not see the difference between the smile or a frown, in fact, I could not discern eyes, noses, or mouths in the flesh-colored ovals that were how I saw faces. Um... yes, it did impact some of my social skills.

Fortunately, although these things were not as well understood back then, my parents and family wound up giving me remedial coaching unintentionally. I also became much more sensitive to voice cues and large-scale body language which helped, but still aren't a substitute for discerning the fine-scale cues.

A lot of people don't understand that seeing/blind aren't binary conditions, there's quite a few intermediate states where a person gets some visual information but lacks many details that the normally sighted are so accustomed to they take them for granted or may not even be aware of them. Vision problems may go undiagnosed (if you've never had normal vision you have nothing to compare your defective vision to - you may just think that's how things look) or may not be correctable and even when they ARE corrected the brain has to learn how to process the new information.

[Formless]

Hmmm... okay, I hadn't thought of that. I've worn glasses so long I guess I take them for granted. Of course, he never said anything about having eyesight problems, so I can't say whether or not that has any impact on his social life.

[Broomstick]

If a child has a learning or behavioral problem two of the first tests they should be subjected to are a vision and a hearing test to rule out sensory problems. That's what should be done, all too often it isn't. If the child isn't properly perceiving the world that could easily lead to all sorts of problems.

Fortunately, I got such tests as part of a district-wide screening program shortly after starting public school, so my vision problem was caught before it interfered a lot with my academic schooling, and early enough that my social interactions didn't get entrenched too badly in abnormal patterns.

One of the triggers that sent me to vision screening was that I wasn't making eye contact. While that is a sign of autism, in my case it was because I couldn't see the other person's eyes well enough to lock onto them. It's a nice illustration of how one problem can mimic another.

I still don't do eye contact very well - I have to make a conscious effort. It's very annoying.

[Mayabird]

Let's play "Blame The Victim"! *canned cheers*

Contestant Number One: Chemo Girl! Her hair all fell out and now all the other kids make fun of her and she doesn't have the energy to fight back since she can't hold down food! Hey Chemo Girl, everyone's mean to you now because you suddenly suck at social skills! You deserve all the punishment you can get! You'll never succeed and no one will ever like you!

Now that Contestant Number One is crying, let's bring out Contestant Number Two! He's a kid of uncertain ethnicity whose parents are moving to Bumblefuck Hickistan. You want to know why all the little bastards are abusing you and the teachers are egging them on? It's because you don't have social skills! It's all your own fault! Hope you enjoy this for the rest of your life because it'll only be getting worse and you can't do anything about it because you are bad at it!

Time for Contestant Number Three...


...well, okay, I can see some of the things they're saying in the article, but as Broomstick points out, they're also missing a lot of stuff, like if the kids can't fucking see. They didn't figure that out for me until I was in third grade, because they usually figure it out when the kid struggles to read, and I'd already learned to compensate. But at the same time, I'd say more of the problem is all the other little worthless fucking bastard spawn who'll turn on each other viciously for any slight whim and their grown-up supervisors who are just as bad, but also more experienced in douchebaggery and more intentionally negligent. And for some damn reason all the systems are set up to support the goddamn bullies, claim they're the ones with the problems when they're just narcissists who need their ribs broken.

And I do await some well-meaning education majors total imbeciles taking this study and going straight down the Blame the Victim road, probably hurting them a hell of a lot more by convincing the kids that it's entirely their faults. And then the bullies will be free to continue to be bullies for the rest of their misery-causing lives. Goddamnit it's like I'm the only person past puberty who remembers what childhood was like.

[ArmorPierce]

I recalled that I would at times have some issues since I moved around a lot so would often be somewhere alone without any friends. Being verbally abused, have some paper thrown at you? Without failed, it seemed every time I would try to comment back or respond by throwing shit back at them or refused to pick up something that someone intentionally dropped on the floor that they were supposed to pick up, I would be chastised by the teacher and get in trouble.

[Simon_Jester]

Re: Mayabird
I'm... not sure that's how this study should be interpreted. There's the danger that idiots might interpret it that way, of course, but there's something real that's going on here.

Maybe I just think so because I remember my childhood as being mildly bullied and heavily isolated from my peers... and I'm pretty sure that was partly because there was something wrong with my social skills. All things considered I preferred to read than socialize, starting pretty much straight out of nursery school. I don't specifically remember any social cues that I was missing in hindsight, but I wouldn't be even slightly surprised to learn that was the case.

[ArmorPierce]

Re: Mayabird
I'm... not sure that's how this study should be interpreted. There's the danger that idiots might interpret it that way, of course, but there's something real that's going on here.

Maybe I just think so because I remember my childhood as being mildly bullied and heavily isolated from my peers... and I'm pretty sure that was[/i] partly because there was something wrong with my social skills. All things considered I preferred to read than socialize, starting pretty much straight out of nursery school. I don't specifically remember any social cues that I was missing in hindsight, but I wouldn't be even slightly surprised to learn that was the case.

Was your lack of social skills the cause of your bullying and social isolation or due to it?

[Garibaldi]

Well, yeah, likewise, I mean they should study better ways to learn social skills or better more analytical breakdowns of social skills and expected human behavior.
"Normal human mannerisms to show anger are:x,y,z, subtle signs are "pouting, silence, 30% angle posture of body away from person"" etc'.

If you're past the age of like 12 and you plan to improve your social skills is to "break down" the various behaviors involved you can look forward to a long and awkward life.

But at the same time, I'd say more of the problem is all the other little worthless fucking bastard spawn who'll turn on each other viciously for any slight whim and their grown-up supervisors who are just as bad, but also more experienced in douchebaggery and more intentionally negligent. And for some damn reason all the systems are set up to support the goddamn bullies, claim they're the ones with the problems when they're just narcissists who need their ribs broken.

I'll assume your desire to break the ribs of little kids is hyperbole brought on by whatever childhood experience is coloring your view of the issue, but let's be honest, "making kids stop being bullies" is completely impossible. But it is possible to work with bullied kids so that they can socialize normally and stop being targets of abuse.

[Simon_Jester]

I honestly think it was the former, because I was off in my own little world much or all of the time starting very early on. When I wasn't, half the time I was excitedly telling someone something about stuff that was in my own little world, because I found the stuff in the books so fascinating I couldn't understand why anyone else didn't care.

There was probably a cyclic process going on there, but based on my memories of the period between the ages of, say, 4 and 8... I'm pretty sure my poor social skills came before I started feeling locked out of social circles.

[Patrick Degan]

I'm sorry, but this article is bullshit. It starts off by announcing that there are reasons why kids get bullied by their peers, then goes on about subjects which have absolutely nothing to do with why kids get bullied by their peers.

The reason why bullying occurs is because the strong kids see a victim in a weak kid. Bullies were never taught how to behave by their parents and/or were made to feel like shit by them, so they single out whoever makes an easy target and go to work on him so they can feel superior at least for a few hours in a day.

You can school your kid until he has all the social skills to be a success in the big wide world, and in high school, Mr. Asshole Football Jock is still going to stick your kid's head in the toilet after he's gone to the bathroom in it once a day, because Mr. Asshole Football Jock is six feet tall, weighs 200lbs, has the ethics of a Nazi thug, and can bench-press Mr. Social Skillset if he's only five foot nothing and barely weighs in at 120. And guess what? The popular kid is going to be Mr. Asshole Football Jock, not Mr. Social Skillset, because a high school is one of the rawest environments for the manifestation of basic primate behaviour outside of a prison yard and the attraction of all the other hairless apes is going to be towards the strong, not the weak.

[aerius]

But at the same time, I'd say more of the problem is all the other little worthless fucking bastard spawn who'll turn on each other viciously for any slight whim and their grown-up supervisors who are just as bad, but also more experienced in douchebaggery and more intentionally negligent. And for some damn reason all the systems are set up to support the goddamn bullies, claim they're the ones with the problems when they're just narcissists who need their ribs broken.

That's my view as well, when I was a kid I looked like even more of dork than I do now, and I spoke English with a rather heavy accent since it wasn't my first language. In junior school things went well for me, I think we were too innocent to really pick on people because of the differences. Yeah some kids were more popular but kids weren't ganged up on or made into pariahs, everyone was still part of the group.

But once I got to grade 6 in a new school it all went to hell, the kids were vicious motherfuckers and if you weren't white or black you might as well be wearing a beat me up sign. And yeah, I got the whole blame the victim treatment from the teachers, counsellors and staff, if all the kids are picking on me, I must be instigating it somehow. A bit over 2 years of that and my parents finally had enough and moved me to another school, which wasn't exactly better, but at least the teachers & staff weren't on the side of the bullies. High school was more of the same, until I finally snapped and started hospitalizing the assholes who bullied me. It didn't make me any more popular but at least the bullying stopped except for some verbal jabs here & there.

[Formless]

I'll assume your desire to break the ribs of little kids is hyperbole brought on by whatever childhood experience is coloring your view of the issue, but let's be honest, "making kids stop being bullies" is completely impossible. But it is possible to work with bullied kids so that they can socialize normally and stop being targets of abuse.

On an individual level this simply isn't true. I know of one time, during the short period of my life where I was the cool kid to bully, where one of the little fuckers realized what a piece of shit he was acting like and actually apologize to me for his behavior and (more importantly) ceased to do it. I'm not sure if it was of his own accord (he claimed it was) or if he was pressured by his parents or someone, but either way it stopped. Bullying is NOT something we are helpless to stop, but the problem is no one seems to care unless they have experienced it firsthand.

[aerius]

I know of one time, during the short period of my life where I was the cool kid to bully, where one of the little fuckers realized what a piece of shit he was acting like and actually apologize to me for his behavior and (more importantly) ceased to do it. I'm not sure if it was of his own accord (he claimed it was) or if he was pressured by his parents or someone, but either way it stopped. Bullying is NOT something we are helpless to stop, but the problem is no one seems to care unless they have experienced it firsthand.

I found that there were several levels of bullies, some of them bullied others because if they didn't, they'd get targeted for beatings themselves. If they didn't beat up on someone every once in a while they'd lose their status with the group and get their asses kicked. Some of them reform, either the threat from above disappears or sometimes they grow a conscience, others get hooked on it for life.

Then there's the ones who do it because they can, your stereotypical football jock for example. They ain't gonna stop until you put'em in a wheelchair, and push that wheelchair down a flight of stairs with fucker in it.

[Stark]

That isn't true; the more macho some kid is the more it fucks them up to lose. If you beat up some guy who builds his whole self-image on being a tough guy, he doesn't have a lot of places to go emotionally.

While blaming the victim is stupid, in school some people really DID act like victims. If someone starts on someone else and they have entirely passive body language, are retreative, give in, run away etc, that just makes tough-guy wannabes go further. In my experience, so long as you look like you belong nobody cares; it's just hard to look like you belong when you don't and everyone makes sure you are constantly reminded of this.

But hey, I'm the guy who humiliates neo-nazis with a gun to my head, so maybe I'm not normal.

[Formless]

I know of one time, during the short period of my life where I was the cool kid to bully, where one of the little fuckers realized what a piece of shit he was acting like and actually apologize to me for his behavior and (more importantly) ceased to do it. I'm not sure if it was of his own accord (he claimed it was) or if he was pressured by his parents or someone, but either way it stopped. Bullying is NOT something we are helpless to stop, but the problem is no one seems to care unless they have experienced it firsthand.

I found that there were several levels of bullies, some of them bullied others because if they didn't, they'd get targeted for beatings themselves. If they didn't beat up on someone every once in a while they'd lose their status with the group and get their asses kicked. Some of them reform, either the threat from above disappears or sometimes they grow a conscience, others get hooked on it for life.

I got bullied before highschool when I was in a gifted program (re: the program all the rich white assholes put their children in to make them feel special). Basically it was because 1) I was the outsider who joined the program late after everyone else had established their own little exclusive circles 2) I WAS actually a little awkward, which caused some amount of embarrassment and misunderstanding 3) it became like a bandwagon where everyone who DIDN'T at least make a token effort to shun me became like me. Fortunately it never escalated to violence, and it only lasted two years before the staff (particularly one of the newer teachers) caught on and put a stop to it. Then once I got into highschool I never saw most of them again, and the only one's I did see weren't the main antagonists and felt pretty bad about it.

So, yeah.

Then there's the ones who do it because they can, your stereotypical football jock for example. They ain't gonna stop until you put'em in a wheelchair, and push that wheelchair down a flight of stairs with fucker in it.

Never actually saw many of this type, as the Jocks in my highschool were actually pretty smart guys. They had to be, because the school had high academic standards you had to uphold in order to keep playing football or whatever, and they kept them to it. It helped that the few times I ever got into a fight were on my terms, and I learned how to give off an air of "don't fuck with me, I refuse to be victimized" that deterred most people.

It bears mentioning that I went to school after the Columbine shooting, and at least in this state all the highschools wised up and decided to take the issue seriously after that.

[aerius]

That isn't true; the more macho some kid is the more it fucks them up to lose. If you beat up some guy who builds his whole self-image on being a tough guy, he doesn't have a lot of places to go emotionally.

In my schools it was different, if the macho bully guy got beat up he'd still keep coming after you, and he'll bring his buddies for backup. If the victim just defends himself and dishes out a black eye or bloody nose it's not enough to stop the bullying, it's only when the bully is brutally curbstomped that the cycle gets broken.

While blaming the victim is stupid, in school some people really DID act like victims. If someone starts on someone else and they have entirely passive body language, are retreative, give in, run away etc, that just makes tough-guy wannabes go further. In my experience, so long as you look like you belong nobody cares; it's just hard to look like you belong when you don't and everyone makes sure you are constantly reminded of this.

Some people do, and yeah they did get it worse than most others from what I saw. As for looking like you belong, I don't remember high school well enough to make a judgement on this. I know I failed on the clothing part but otherwise I don't have any real impressions.

But hey, I'm the guy who humiliates neo-nazis with a gun to my head, so maybe I'm not normal.

No Stark, you're not normal.