Porn Rant. Warning: Very graphic

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Situation: I'm jacking off to Kazaa-procured porn vids as usual, and I hit a vid that shows girls orgasming. (No Kojikun, you CANNOT turn this thread into a flamewar about whether my bisexuality is a free choice or forced. Any attempt at that will be met with extreme force! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!) Then as usual I blast off. When I look up at the vid, I see motherfucking RON JEREMY'S FUTT BUGLY HAMMY GREASY ASS fucking some rather annoyed-looking women. Then I notice his dick isn't even as big as mine! WTF?! I'd be rather annoyed too if I had to touch that fuckhead without the benefit of a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole. John Holmes I can sorta understand (ugly but had a 14-inch dick. FOOTLONG! COME GET YOUR FOOTLONG!!! LMFAO ) but Ron Jeremy's ugly ass? GAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Gimme a fucking break!! I never saw my dick shrivel faster in my life! At least I already got my nut, but Uucchh...

What in the name of all that is good did the porn industry EVER SEE IN THAT HORRIFYING-LOOKING EXCUSE FOR A MAN!?!!?!?!?!?

[Darth Wong]

Ron Jeremy shouldn't be allowed in porn. I've been forced to avoid renting certain titles for the sole reason that he's in there, because I know he'll repulse my wife and that's just not good when you're trying to have fun.

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Thank you. That guy has got me rather badly scarred.

BTW if certain people start shit, do not hesitate to HoS this thread. I can see it coming already....

[Darth Wong]

I think there are too many ugly fuckers in porn, and it's not just Ron Jeremy. A lot of porn is made for lonely men for whom the appearance of the men doesn't matter (hell, they may even get off on the idea of really ugly men nailing gorgeous women), but for guys who watch it with their wives or girlfriends, this is a serious problem.

[Captain tycho]

Tell me about it.
Me and my gf were watching a porno a couple of years back, and we were getting, umm....'horny' when all of a sudden this fucking ugly fat man comes on and start stripping. Needless to say, that ruined the evening.

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

I think there are too many ugly fuckers in porn, and it's not just Ron Jeremy. A lot of porn is made for lonely men for whom the appearance of the men doesn't matter (hell, they may even get off on the idea of really ugly men nailing gorgeous women), but for guys who watch it with their wives or girlfriends, this is a serious problem.

Don't forget bisexual guys as well like me, Iggy, Pounder, Hyperion, etc... We don't appreciate ugly guys in porn either. Course none of us are ugly at all anyway LOL.

P.S. what other ugly porn guys?

[Alferd Packer]

I think there are too many ugly fuckers in porn, and it's not just Ron Jeremy. A lot of porn is made for lonely men for whom the appearance of the men doesn't matter (hell, they may even get off on the idea of really ugly men nailing gorgeous women), but for guys who watch it with their wives or girlfriends, this is a serious problem.

Since I'm fast approaching the age when I can buy porn willy-nilly, and I plan to (and, of course, watch it with my girlfriend), can you recommend any titles that don't suffer from the above problem?

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Tell me about it.
Me and my gf were watching a porno a couple of years back, and we were getting, umm....'horny' when all of a sudden this fucking ugly fat man comes on and start stripping. Needless to say, that ruined the evening.

Uuuggghhhhhh yuck

Did you remember the name of that raincoater?

[Captain tycho]

Tell me about it.
Me and my gf were watching a porno a couple of years back, and we were getting, umm....'horny' when all of a sudden this fucking ugly fat man comes on and start stripping. Needless to say, that ruined the evening.

Uuuggghhhhhh yuck

Did you remember the name of that raincoater?

Nope.
But I ran into him on the Internet about a month after that happened.....ugghhh.....

[AdmiralKanos]

I think there are too many ugly fuckers in porn, and it's not just Ron Jeremy. A lot of porn is made for lonely men for whom the appearance of the men doesn't matter (hell, they may even get off on the idea of really ugly men nailing gorgeous women), but for guys who watch it with their wives or girlfriends, this is a serious problem.

Since I'm fast approaching the age when I can buy porn willy-nilly, and I plan to (and, of course, watch it with my girlfriend), can you recommend any titles that don't suffer from the above problem?

Honestly, there are so many titles and the selection at any given store varies so wildly that individual titles are almost pointless. A good tip, however, is to look at softie "couples porn" and memorize the names of the performers. They never use ugly-ass bastards in softie couples porn. Then, just check the names of those guys against the ones you see on the box of the more hardcore stuff. There aren't really that many male performers out there, although they do change from year to year, so you begin to recognize names pretty quickly. Aging overweight guys like Tyce Bune, Ron Jeremy, etc. don't get the lady friend hot.

PS. Softie couples porn is good for introducing your wife or girlfriend to the genre, but when you reach the stage where she starts to say things like "don't bother with foreplay; just stick it in", you find that you tend to watch porn with a similar attitude.

[Peregrin Toker]

From the porn rant on Wong's personal website:

"Ron Jeremy has his fans, but I'm willing to bet that none of them are women."

[RedImperator]

While we're on the subject about ranting about pornography, I'd like to get something off my chest. Namely, I can't stand it when two chicks "kiss" by sticking their tongues out and wrestling with them while looking at the camera. Goddammit, that's not how people suck face, and it's so fake looking it just ruins it for me (this is a bigger problem in still photopgraphy porn than video). They do the same thing when they're sucking each others' tits--do a half-assed lick while giving the camera a "come hither" look. Suck her fucking tit like I would--and don't look at me! The "lesbians" in those pics are usually always silicone bottle blondes, too, and they look like fucking Barbie dolls. Another thing I can't stand is when a chick is sucking some guy off with his dick half in her mouth so she can face the camera. Don't look at the fucking camera while you're blowing some guy, for chrissakes! You're breaking the fucking fourth wall and it's creepy as hell. You're fucking REMINDING me that I'm on the other side of a TV or computer screen, and that's a fuck-up no matter WHAT kind of fiction you're producing.

[MKSheppard]

Tell me about it.
Me and my gf were watching a porno a couple of years back, and we were getting, umm....'horny' when all of a sudden this fucking ugly fat man comes on and start stripping. Needless to say, that ruined the evening.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH my eyes my eyes! the Goggles do nothing!

[Darth Wong]

I agree; I hate it when they look at the camera.

Unfortunately, if you go to rame.net, you'll see that most porn fans seem to LIKE that. A lot of them also go for the "guy's eye POV" shots where the guy holds the camera at head level and looks down at the girl while she's sucking him off, and she looks up at the camera. I suppose it helps them fantasize that they're in the guy's position. Absolute shit for watching with a lady friend, though.

[Admiral Valdemar]

Fat, hairy and generally nasty men should be outlawed from porn, same applies to fat, hairy and generally nasty women who are mistaken for men.

[MKSheppard]

*gets out WWII German Luger*



"goodbye cruel world!"

[Darth Wong]

At least Shep had the decency to post a picture of the Hog with clothes on. Naked pictures of Ron Jeremy would cause spontaneous blindness as the optic nerves fry themselves in order to save the brain.

[Admiral Valdemar]

That guy takes his clothes off and GETS PAID?!

Only in America...

[Seele]

That guy takes his clothes off and GETS PAID?!

Only in America...

I think he still works now in the industry solely because of his name. He's become an almost novelty act in itself.

[RedImperator]

I read an interview with him once where he compared himself to Tom Cruise. I wish I were making that up.

[Dahak]

YUCK!!
That guy stars in porn??????
Whiskey Tango Foxtrott!!!?
I mean, gosh, are the producers blind or something??

[Ted]

Whereas the prerequiset for women to star in porn is to be hot, the prereq for men is to get hard at any time, and have it stay hard.

[Darth Wong]

That's no small prerequisite (no pun intended). The ability to keep it up for hours of shooting (again, no pun intended) while cameramen are walking around and directors are barking orders is not as common as one might think.

[Zaia]

I think there are too many ugly fuckers in porn, and it's not just Ron Jeremy. A lot of porn is made for lonely men for whom the appearance of the men doesn't matter (hell, they may even get off on the idea of really ugly men nailing gorgeous women), but for guys who watch it with their wives or girlfriends, this is a serious problem.

That's why I think porn is positively hilarious. Does these lonely guys actually watch some scrawny, pimply dork as he nails 7 chicks in a public bathroom and think that can happen to them?! Do they think to themselve, "If he can combat his dorkiness and win slutty chicks, so can I! I'll get out there and find the whores of my dreams, right after I watch the end of this Star Trek marathon..."

[Joe]

How do male porn stars not deplete their man-juice factor after shooting so many loads? Special diet, or abnormally huge balls?