Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Kyler]

Filling in for someone on vacation, had to a grab someone that came through our drive thru window.

Me: "Good afternoon"
Customer: No response, but puts two checks in the cash drawer
Me: I bring the drawer and grab the checks
Customer: Waves a deposit ticket from her car window.
Me: I open drawer and retrieve deposit ticket and head to my teller station to deposit the checks.

Me: I return with a receipt for the customer and put in the drawer for her to take.
Customer: grabs receipt and gives me a funny look and says "I wanted those checks cashed."



Me: No problem, ma'am I'll be right back, I go back and reverse the deposit and cash the checks

Me: return with envelope with cash, "There go ma'am have a nice day." (Thinking you stupid bitch!)

[Kyler]

Filling in for someone on vacation, had to a grab someone that came through our drive thru window.

Me: "Good afternoon"
Customer: No response, but puts two checks in the cash drawer
Me: I bring the drawer and grab the checks
Customer: Waves a deposit ticket from her car window.
Me: I open drawer and retrieve deposit ticket and head to my teller station to deposit the checks.

Me: I return with a receipt for the customer and put in the drawer for her to take.
Customer: grabs receipt and gives me a funny look and says "I wanted those checks cashed."



Me: No problem, ma'am I'll be right back, I go back and reverse the deposit and cash the checks

Me: return with envelope with cash, "There go ma'am have a nice day." (Thinking you stupid bitch!)

It happened again today! WTF!!!! Twice in 1 week!

Are people just getting dumber?

[Korto]

From the other side of the sales desk. This is all over the phone.

Me : I need a price for cement and aggregate to make a metre of concrete, delivered.
Sales : You want a tonne of aggregate?
Me : No, enough cement and aggregate to make a cubic metre. A METRE.
Sales : We sell it in tonnes
Me : I need enough tonnes to make a metre.
Sales : We sell in tonnes.
Me : How much do I need for a metre?
Sales : (goes away from phone. Comes back). That'll be one and a half tonnes.
Me : Fine. How much, delivered?
Sales : One and a half tonnes of aggregate, delivered...
Me : And the cement, too. The cement is with that.
Sales : No, no cement. You asked for aggregate.
Me : Cement AND aggregate.
Sales : How much cement do you want?
Me : Enough to make a metre.
Sales : You'll have to talk to a builder or concreter for that. We can't give you specifications.
Me : I'm not ASKING for specifications. I'm asking for enough cement to make up a metre of concrete.
Sales : We don't do that sort of thing...
Me : This was all extremely simple the last time I made the same order
Sales : Ohh... (Goes away for a while)
Sales : That'll be 100 bags
Me : Pardon?
Sales : 100 bags to make a metre.
Me : You sure you're not talking pre-mix? Because I want cement and aggregate, seperate.
Sales : No, that's cement. You need 100 bags.
Me : Look, I'm trying very hard to remain calm here and not start swearing.
Sales : I don't know why you would want to start swearing. I'll transfer you over to someone else.
Me : Good. You do that.
("Someone Else" on line)
Me : I want enough cement and aggregate to make a metre of concrete
Someone Else : That'll be one and a half tonnes of aggregate...
Me : And how many bags of cement?
Someone Else : Let me check... 100.
Me : What? That's way too many. It's more like 20.
Someone Else : No. 100.
Me : OK... And how much is a bag? (You're full of shit, but I'll play along for a moment)
Someone Else : $6 each.
Me : I can get it delivered ready to be poured for about $200 a metre.
Someone Else : Yes, it's not really economical in large amounts.
Me : It's around 20 bags to a metre
Someone Else : I could ring someone and check. I'll call you right back.
Me : Yes. You do that
(Phone Rings)
Someone Else : You were right. It's 15 to 20 bags a metre. We were looking at the pre-mix bags.

[Temjin]

Dude comes in from outside, and can barely walk straight. He heads to the dayroom, where people sleep on mats during the night.

Me: I'm sorry sir, but I can't let you in there if you're intoxicated.
Dude: I'm not intoxicated!
Me: Really? Because it seems like you've been drinking.
Dude: I have been drinking! That doesn't mean I'm intoxicated!

[Phantasee]

Student life:

Student A: I think I'll gouge out my eyeballs so I don't have to read another chapter of accounting.
Student B: You'll have to learn Braille before the final…
Student A: Pretty sure that would be more interesting, honestly.

Student A is studying for the same accounting midterm as me. I agree with him.

[LadyTevar]

My Supervisor, on phone with customer: So you're saying that (the deceased) is an Medical Examiner Case?
Customer: Yes! His mother did the autopsy!



Ginger, to us after hanging up: That might be why he's dead, yes.

[Kanastrous]

From a production meeting on one of the two Snow White feature projects presently lurching toward the starting line...

Executive: So I've been thinking about the whole Seven Dwarves thing, and...

Director: What?

Executive: Well...do they *have* to be dwarves?

Director: Yes, they *have* to be dwarves. It's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." That's what it's called. There have always been dwarves.

Executive: (fidgeting) Well, okay...how are we going to do dwarves? In post, with full-sized actors, like they did the hobbits in "Lord of the Rings?"

Director: No, we're going to hire actors who are actual dwarves.

Executive's Assistant: (perkily) Hey, I just had an idea...maybe six of the guys could be regular-sized and *one* could be a dwarf...but they *call* themselves "The Seven Dwarves" so that he doesn't feel bad...

Director: (blood vessel visibly throbbing at his temple) Let me get you some notes tomorrow.


Every so often if you are lucky you get to hear one of those classic Hollywood conversations...

[RedHeron]

Spiritual Advisor (as verbatim as I can make it, with private information withheld):

Me: Have you done your emotional self-exams?

Him: No.

Me: Do you need more time?

Him: I'm not doing them.

Me: Why not?

Him: Because I hate 'em. They suck.

Me: The only thing you're doing is examining your own emotional states.

Him: I'm not going to do it.

Me: Okay.

Him: Okay?

Me: Yes, okay.

Him: What do you mean, 'okay'?

Me: I mean, okay. You're an adult, you're more than capable of making your own decisions, and you've decided you can't face your own emotions. So... okay.

Him: So, you're not going to try to convince me that I'm wrong?

Me: It's your own decision, and it's your choice. If it's wrong, you'll have the natural consequences that go along with that.

Him: Like?

Me: Like, your inability to face your emotional side, ever.

Him: So, there's no way around that?

Me: Not even God can hide from Himself, my friend.

(long pause)

Him: Get the fuck out of my house.

Me: See ya.

Grabbed my things and went. He told my boss that I was being rude and unsupportive... and the next guy went into the same place and apparently is having the same issue. Gotta love people who want a "magic bullet" to solve their problems.

[Keevan_Colton]

I must admit anyone with the job title "spiritual advisor" ought to take a really long walk on a short pier.

[Kanastrous]

Why? If the service they offer is basically harmless and makes others happy - and if they enjoy the work and it keeps them off public assistance - there's *much* worse out there.

[PainRack]

A patient was referred to PT for physical assessment and reconditioning.
Me: He declined to sit out of bed or walk to toilet, he's grumpy and I don't think he will want to be assessed today. I can't tell you how he's like.
Physiotherapist: Oh? Ok. Can I pass this on to B when she gets back on monday? This is a weekend.
Me: Sure.
Physio: Look, I just go see him first and see what's up.

She goes over, talks to him, the patient agrees to stand up and do a physical assessment, willing to go to toilet and etc.

She gives me the look that well, you can guess what she's saying.

Physio: Look, just take this medicine ok?

He takes it.

Shortly after while she's still there
Me: Uncle, take this medicine ok.

He immediately refused.

I looked straight back at her.


Me: I'm telling you, its because you're a girl and I'm not!

[Tahlan]

Working as a computer tech with a client on the phone, back in the day of 5 1/4 inch floppies.

Me: Insert the first disk and close the door...
Client: OK, just a minute (long pause on the phone)
Me: Hello? Hello? Are you still with me? (pause continues...finally)
Client: OK the door is closed.
Me: That took you a while...
Client: Well, I did what you said, although I don't understand it. I got up, walked down the hall and closed the door.
Me: (Slapping myself on the head) I'm sorry, I meant the floppy drive door to your computer. See the lever where you inserted the floppy disk?
Client: Yes...
Me; Rotate the handle down. That's what close the drive door means (I said quite calmly, because I did tell him to close the door, just not which one.)

[Starglider]

This is exactly what software contract negotiations are like.

[madd0ct0r]

Working as a construction site consultant engineer. Client stuffs up the license, creates 2 month delay but refuses to shift the deadline. Project manager (my direct boss) schedules us to make up the difference by working 60hrs, 7 days a week. Then refuses to do any overtime himself.

that was 4 months ago, but the specific incident is more recent, just setting the scene.

So in the last fortnight I've not had a day off. I've had 2 afternoons off (one on an imposed business trip). Also had maybe 7 nights where I got to go home at 6pm instead of 9pm. Two were covered by my colleague, five there was nothing to do. For my boss that count's as time off, to be deducted from weekly holidays.

Yesterday afternoon, get the call that I need to work today. Sunday. This is becuase Project manager won't and other engineer worked saturday afternoon. He ain't in on Monday, so I have to work that too. Inform wife. Wife looses temper.
Wife rings up boss and demands to know why the 'shift system' where we take turns in doing overtime (hah!) has resulted in my doing overtime on all but two days of the last week.

He blusters. She skewers him. (I love her when she's angry)

I then get a call from him, threatening, amongst other things,
"I will have to talk to the Director about this. I will sack you if your wife calls me again. She does not respect me."

Me: "Why on earth would my wife respect you?"

Him, at top volume: "BECAUSE I'M YOUR BOSS"

So I'm working Sunday, and will face another showdown with him on Monday. And I don't even care anymore.

[PeZook]

I recommend you record the conversation and skewer him in court if he fires you.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Employee: Colin I need a shop steward
Me: lets go into the supply closet so we can talk with a little privacy
Boss: pounds on the door to the supply closet
both me and the client: can you give us a few minutes?
Boss unlocks the door: I just wanted to tell you that <Client's name> needs a shopsteward for <offense client is accused of>.

[Kodiak]

Not a conversation, but definitely humorous.

At work we're compiling a huge database of all the warnings our system displays for the operator using a Microsoft Access form. You put in the fault, where it's triggered in the code, comments, and sign your name. Most of the data is the same, and we're doing dozens to hundreds of these a day, which leads to a lot of cut-and-paste fill-ins. I was going through the list when I noticed one of the text fields looked funny, and when I clicked into it I found the engineer had pasted more than his name:

"hey loooove muffin.

You can take pepto, lactaid, and deodorant off the shopping list

John G."

I called the project manager up so we could laugh about it, and not only had he already seen it, but the department has decided to leave it in the table until the design review.

[Dalton]

I recommend you record the conversation and skewer him in court if he fires you.

I... Just find it weird. My wife would never call my boss to complain about my hours.

[PeZook]

I... Just find it weird. My wife would never call my boss to complain about my hours.

Well, his hours have been pretty extreme, so she has a right to be pissed. And unless madd0ct0r works in some bullshit "at will employment" area, his boss doesn't have a right to fire him because his wife is pissed, either.

[madd0ct0r]

He doesn't the right to fire me at all. only the HR department can.

So am working this saturday afternoon. Ten minutes after boss and colleuage both leave in the company car, get a text from colleauge: "I worked to midnight last night, so you can work tomorrow."

fair enough, except I worked till midnight the day before that, and in the previous month have worked 3 out of 4 sundays and 2/4 saturdays.

Ring boss to enquire whether this was his instruction. he is genuinely confused and says he'll find out. ten min later get a text. 'He says he's feeling ill'. Ring boss up to politely explain i don't give a fuck, I'm not working tomorrow. I would actually quite like to see my wife. Boss changes subject, then hangs up, instead of doing the decent thing and covering it himself.

I seriously would get less pissed at the hours if he actually did any of them himself.


EDIT: just been informed by contractor they cannot concrete today, but they need somebody to come in and do the inspection and supervision tomorrow. Rang boss to ask who was going to come in. After a moment's thought, "Tell them no casting tomorrow."

so your precious schedule is only important if it means no work for you? wanker. mods tell me if i should move this to a rant thread.

[SCRawl]

Seems fine to me. You can vent elsewhere if you want, but this seems to follow the general tone of the thread. Perhaps we should keep the minutiae in a venting thread, if you're going to point out every event that pisses you off.

[Kodiak]

Today at work
Bill: Hey, where can I find a double-double?
Me: Umm, the new *In-n-Out opens today at 10.30?
Bill: What?
Me: What?
Bill: No! like a variable! You know, a double-double?
Me: ..... Are you thinking of a long-double?
Bill: That's it! A Long Double-Double

me
(for those of you unfamiliar, In-n-Out is a west-coast burger chain which has a sandwich called the "Double-Double")

[Dave]

Heard in the middle of a late-night hackathon to get a extracurricular school project out the door on time: "Oh, I guess using negative index values is a bad thing."
(for the non-programmers: an array of items is numbered from 0 to n - 1. A negative number of items should never happen.)

----

This series of hackathon sessions lasted most of a week of me in the lab with a bunch of other programmers for roughly 12 hours a day, often with me getting back to the house after 2 am.
I live in a fraternity, and as such we have assigned duties. If you don't do your duty during the week (perhaps because you've been working 12 hours a day), you have to get up on the weekend to do it. But when you're as old as I am in the fraternity, some rules are flexible.

Pledge opening my door at 8am: "Dave, are you going to clean the bathroom?"
Me, being woken up after ~4 hours of sleep: "Erg... wha?"
Pledge: "So... no?"
Me: *blinks, still lying face up in bed* "I'm running on 4 hours of sleep, I'm working on a component that's way behind schedule and has to be done by Noon today, and you want me to clean the bathroom? That's definitely a low-priority ticket for me."
Roommate, in the horrified tone of a wife who finds her husband has stumbled in drunk at 3am: "Dave, have you been CODING?!?"

In retrospect it was funny, but I was not in the mood for it that morning.

[Enigma]

Today at work
Bill: Hey, where can I find a double-double?
Me: Umm, the new *In-n-Out opens today at 10.30?
Bill: What?
Me: What?
Bill: No! like a variable! You know, a double-double?
Me: ..... Are you thinking of a long-double?
Bill: That's it! A Long Double-Double

me
(for those of you unfamiliar, In-n-Out is a west-coast burger chain which has a sandwich called the "Double-Double")

Ask a Canuck for a double-double and he\she'll give you a cup of coffee with two creams and two sugars mixed in it from Tim Horton's.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Yesterday:

Sous Chef: Colin can you get these two pots unstuck.
Extern: how is he going to do that? I've spent an hour trying to pry them apart.
Me: sure no proplem just give me enough time to do it.
*proceeds to pack in shaved ice into the inner pot, and place the outer pot into the babe-marie (a table full of boiling hot water where soup is kept to temprature before serving), then used a spoon to gently pry them apart.
Sous Chef: see that's how it's done
Extern: what?
me: I used Science not muscles