As a funeral director, I have had some interesting, and thoroughly disgusting experiences. Someday I plan to publish a book about some of the experiences that I have endured.
Shall I share some of them?
Anyone want to hear some of my funeral home stories?
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Wicked Pilot
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Damn, I knew that question was going to come up. I didn't know that it was going to be the FIRST reply however... 
Seriously, people always ask me that. "Have any necrophelia stories," or "ever had to fight off any raging necropheliacs?"
You do have to have a pretty twisted sense of humor in the funeral business. Let me answer that question: NO!
Seriously, people always ask me that. "Have any necrophelia stories," or "ever had to fight off any raging necropheliacs?"
You do have to have a pretty twisted sense of humor in the funeral business. Let me answer that question: NO!
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GrandMasterTerwynn
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Re: Anyone want to hear some of my funeral home stories?
What I remember of people employed by those in the mortuary industry . . . is that they tend to be the only people smiling and/or laughing at a funeral. Granted, for them, a funeral is payday.Superman wrote:As a funeral director, I have had some interesting, and thoroughly disgusting experiences. Someday I plan to publish a book about some of the experiences that I have endured.
Shall I share some of them?
But do tell.
Tales of the Known Worlds:
2070s - The Seventy-Niners ... 3500s - Fair as Death ... 4900s - Against Improbable Odds V 1.0
2070s - The Seventy-Niners ... 3500s - Fair as Death ... 4900s - Against Improbable Odds V 1.0
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Captain tycho
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Ok, so here we go. This is one is not for the weak, so you have been warned.
About two years ago, I got dispatched to go to some apartment on the outside of town. Apparently, a woman was found in her bathtub because the smell was starting to penetrate the walls of her apartment. Not only that, but water from the bathtub was running out from under the door and leaking into the apartment below.
When I arrived, the outside temperature was probably about 95 degrees. It was a typical hot summer day. Before I made it up to the apartment, I noticed one of the Sheriff deputies puking in a bush and another looking as if he was about to. I quickly discovered why. Although I hadn't yet entered the apartment, the smell of death, which smells a lot like shit mixed with rotting bile, emanated from the apartment. Words simply do not do this justice; this smell instantly makes one's stomach turn, and, if one cannot escape it, puke their guts out. Two other deputies arrived wearing firefighter masks.
As I entered the apartment I held my breath for as long as I could. Each breath was quick and into the shoulder of my shirt. It was probably 115 + degrees because the windows had been shut for as many days as the woman had been dead. I was dizzy and it took all my strength to keep from puking.
When I finally got to the bathroom, the deputies had shut the bathtub water off. The woman had been in the hot tub for many days and her flesh had begun to liquefy. Flies encircled her rotting carcass. I quickly tried to figure out how I was going to remove her because she was extremely overweight.
I collapsed my gurney to the floor, and, in front of four sickened deputies, grabbed an arm and pulled. As I pulled, the jelly like skin slipped off onto my gloved fingers. I held my breath, squinted, and pulled again; this time with a much harder grip. I must have pulled too hard because I heard a noise that sounded like "sluuuurrp" and her arm came off of her body. Not being able to keep myself composed, I stumbled into her front living room and out onto the apartment porch. The deputies were close behind. My stomach turned violently and I bent over. One of the deputies had not been able to make it outside and vomited all over the living room. The others managed to make it to where I was.
To finish, I have to say that the smell of our vomit did not make my job any easier. I finally managed to get her out, but it was pretty bad.
Have a nice day.
About two years ago, I got dispatched to go to some apartment on the outside of town. Apparently, a woman was found in her bathtub because the smell was starting to penetrate the walls of her apartment. Not only that, but water from the bathtub was running out from under the door and leaking into the apartment below.
When I arrived, the outside temperature was probably about 95 degrees. It was a typical hot summer day. Before I made it up to the apartment, I noticed one of the Sheriff deputies puking in a bush and another looking as if he was about to. I quickly discovered why. Although I hadn't yet entered the apartment, the smell of death, which smells a lot like shit mixed with rotting bile, emanated from the apartment. Words simply do not do this justice; this smell instantly makes one's stomach turn, and, if one cannot escape it, puke their guts out. Two other deputies arrived wearing firefighter masks.
As I entered the apartment I held my breath for as long as I could. Each breath was quick and into the shoulder of my shirt. It was probably 115 + degrees because the windows had been shut for as many days as the woman had been dead. I was dizzy and it took all my strength to keep from puking.
When I finally got to the bathroom, the deputies had shut the bathtub water off. The woman had been in the hot tub for many days and her flesh had begun to liquefy. Flies encircled her rotting carcass. I quickly tried to figure out how I was going to remove her because she was extremely overweight.
I collapsed my gurney to the floor, and, in front of four sickened deputies, grabbed an arm and pulled. As I pulled, the jelly like skin slipped off onto my gloved fingers. I held my breath, squinted, and pulled again; this time with a much harder grip. I must have pulled too hard because I heard a noise that sounded like "sluuuurrp" and her arm came off of her body. Not being able to keep myself composed, I stumbled into her front living room and out onto the apartment porch. The deputies were close behind. My stomach turned violently and I bent over. One of the deputies had not been able to make it outside and vomited all over the living room. The others managed to make it to where I was.
To finish, I have to say that the smell of our vomit did not make my job any easier. I finally managed to get her out, but it was pretty bad.
Have a nice day.
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Captain tycho
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Man, that's rough. I'm gonna tell that one next time I go home and we're eating turkey. 
"So I read this story on a message board about this guy who's a funeral director, see, and..."
*43 seconds later*
"I wonder what, 'emanicpated minor' means? Hello? The door's locked. Mom?"
"So I read this story on a message board about this guy who's a funeral director, see, and..."
*43 seconds later*
"I wonder what, 'emanicpated minor' means? Hello? The door's locked. Mom?"
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation." -Herbert Spencer
"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." - Schiller, Die Jungfrau von Orleans, III vi.
"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." - Schiller, Die Jungfrau von Orleans, III vi.