Let's play: SCRAMming up!

[Eternal_Freedom]

"Wait, FUCK! That was a fucking missile!"

BEGIN FRANTICALLY CHECKING RAVENSTAR for any ARMAMENTS of our OWN. While CURSING CONTINUOUSLY.
Spoiler

Man, I knew Shroom had some disturbing ideas, but this is possibly an all-time low from what I've seen

[PeZook]

The MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE is COMPLETELY UNARMED.
Spoiler

While it is quite disturbing,astronauts during the space race had to endure that and more. Space Adaptation Syndrome is an actual sickness affecting astronauts, and these guys were all trained beforehand and knew what to expect, while you're just a bunch of random jokers

As for poop, Apollo astronauts had to run around tha cabin catching poop particles more than once when a baggie was improperly, umm...detached.

The human body is dependent on gravity for many of its functions, so it gets all screwy in freefall

Though I WAS going to gloss over that

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY does not immediately notice the LEAK.

SUAVE PLAYBOY panics at being SHOT AT with MISSILES and attempts to hide from the missiles inside the PAYLOAD BAY.

SUAVE PLAYBOY may also possibly remember to KILL the SPIDER without further PROMPTING.

[Zixinus]

Spoiler

Actually, you wouldn't need serious weapons: a good burst from the AR-15 would do the trick, if you could manage to fire it and aim it in a spacesuit.

[Eternal_Freedom]

INFORM the CREw that UNLESS I can COME UP with ANOTHER INSANE PLAN, We're GOING TO BE BLOWN UP by some RANDOM FUCKERS IN ANOTHER SPACEPLANE.

IDEAS ANYONE?

[Scottish Ninja]

Take us inside the Russian SPACE DEFENSE PERIMETER. If they try to follow us, they'll be shot down!

We have CLEARANCE to ENTER the SPACE DEFENSE PERIMETER. But not yet to LAND. Still working on that.

Continue SHOUTING into the RADIO.

[Zixinus]

VOLUNTEER TO HOLD BREATH AND GIVE ENEMY SPACEPLANE A TASTE OF THE AR-15!

[Eternal_Freedom]

EXAMINE MAP. Breath SIGH OF RELIEF upon REALISING we are only a few hundred kilometres from the RUSSIAN SPACE DEFENCE PERIMETER. A twenty-second main engine burn should get us there in no time. It will ALSO MAKE A REENTRY TO STAR CITY much CLOSER AND EASIER.

BRACE for ACCELERATION LADS!

[FaxModem1]

"WAIT. I have an idea. Why don't we solve both problems at once?

Open the cargo bay and space the probe so that it will land on the other Spaceplane. Of course, we could only do it if we had a good pilot."

WCDG LOOKS at ETERNAL FREEDOM with a SMIRK.

[Zixinus]

Spoiler

But our cargo is unsecured, meaning that the rest of the stuff in the hold will fly out. That and the probe is likely to be secured.

[Eternal_Freedom]

That PLAN assumes the ROBO PROBE won't HOLD ON. It also LOSES ALL OUR SUPPLIES AND THE BOMBS. ALso, the PAYLOAD BAY isn't PRESSURISED so IT STILL WON'T WORK.

"You think I'm not a good pilot? You try then bitch!"
Spoiler

Sweet, 800th post!

[Zixinus]

SAY "ROLL THEN! UseTheRCS! WeAreInARocket GODDAMNIT!"

[Eternal_Freedom]

HANG ON, I'm DREAMING UP A CUNNING PLAN.

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Actually your cargo is secured in place or you would've all died during that insane takeoff. Three tonnes of bombs shifting in the cargo hold = really bad things happen.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Spoiler

but the bay isn't pressurised is it?

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Nope. It's airtight, but not pressurized.

[MKSheppard]

I check my Apollo Era A7L SPACESUIT connections, and see that I am receiving PURE FILTERED AIR and not BREATHING IN THE VOMIT POOP MIXTURE and that my HELMET IS ON AND LOCKED.

The LARGE IRRITABLE DOG has stopped VOMITING and is panting plaintively. I PLACE HIS HELMET BACK ON SO HE DOES NOT CHOKE ON VOMIT IN THE CABIN AND SO HE DOES NOT SMELL IT. I CHECK HIS SPACESUIT TO ENSURE ITS INTEGRITY.

I look OUT THE WINDOW.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I SPY THE COMMIENAZI STOLEN SPACEPLANE.

I ARM THE SECOND MISSILE AND BEGIN CABIN DEPRESSURIZATION TO KNOCK OUT THE JANITOR SO HE CANNOT FUCK THIS ONE UP.

[Eternal_Freedom]

I have MADE MY DECISION.

ONCE AGAIN I SLAM the THROTTLE FORWARD. A FULL BURN for TWENTY SECONDS.

I PICTURE the LOOK of FRUSTRATION on the other SPACEPLANE's PILOT'S FACE as the RAVENSTAR FLIES AWAY.

[Shroom Man 777]

SCREAMS and PUTS ON HELMET that ALSO has a HUEG TURD FLOATING INSIDE IT

VOMIT INSIDE THE SPACE HELMET

EXCREMENT and EXCRETIONS INSIDE SPACE HELMET become UNHOLY SOUP of BODILY WASTES

[MKSheppard]

I watch the fools in the stolen spaceplane try to get away from me. I sigh and flip over and BURN AWAY from them, LOWERING MY ORBIT and PARADOXICALLY MAKING ME FASTER. I SOON RECOVER MY FIRING POSITION.

[Zixinus]

SAY: "FOOL! MAKE A BURN NOW AND WE'LL SURELY OVERHEAT!" and then proceed to try and THROTTLE ETERNAL FREEDOM!

[Eternal_Freedom]

"FUCK OFF! I'm pilot, I'm flying! I got you out of that damn hanger and I'll get you out of this one too! Now take the copilots seat and tell me how far we are from the Russian Space Defence Line. NOW!"

[PeZook]

CHAPTER 2: PROBES ON A SPACEPLANE

January 22nd 2025
Wednesday
Wheels Up + 01:02:51

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: ZIXINUS, ETERNAL FREEDOM, SUAVE PLAYBOY, IVAN IVANOV, WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY, BITCHING BETTY, ROBOTIC PROBE and PHANT

You are on a SPACEPLANE. The SPACEPLANE is FLYING really FAST. It is PILOTED by ETERNAL FREEDOM and ZIXINUS. It is rather CRAMPED. The CONTROLS are CONFIGURED in METRIC UNITS. There is no SCRAM FUEL. There is 40% of MAIN ENGINE FUEL. There is plenty of HYDRAZINE for the APU. There is a HOMICIDAL ROBOTIC PROBE in the PAYLOAD BAY. It is currently SABOTAGING the SPACEPLANE. The SYSTEMS COOLANT is no longer GETTING ay HOTTER. The AIR inside the CABIN is.

There is a cloud of BARF. It is FLOATING around the CABIN. It STINKS like HELL. It THREATENS to get INTO the ELECTRONICS.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!

ETERNAL FREEDOM has COME UP with a PLAN. The PLAN involves BURNING the ENGINES for a pretty LONG time. ZIXINUS OBJECTS on MERITOCRAIC grounds. With VIOLENCE.

Meanwhile, SUAVE PLAYBOY has USED his OVERCHARGED PANIC ADDLED BRAIN to FIND an EMERGENCY LEVER that OPENS the PAYLOAD BAY. It STARTS the APU and BEGINS to OPEN the BAY DOORS. The PAYLOAD BAY VOIDS its ATMOSPHERE. There is a HISSING SOUND inside the CABIN.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!

The ROBOTIC PROBE suddenly SKITTERS out of the PAYLOAD BAY. It WAVING its DRILL ATTACHMENT at SUAVE PLAYBOY and is CONNECTED to the HULL with a MAGNETIC GRAPPLE.

SUAVE PLAYBOY YELLS and FIRES the SHOTGUN at the ROBOTIC PROBE. He is VIOLENTLY thrown AWAY from the SPACEPLANE. He MISSES. The ROBOTIC PROBE SKITTERS into the AIRLOCK.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!

The SUAVE PLAYBOY flies PAST another MISSILE as he TUMBLES out into SPACE. The MISSILE thankfully MISSES as WELL.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!

The SUAVE PLAYBOY miraculously SLAMS into the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. He SOMEHOW manages to CLAMBER into the OPEN PAYLOAD BAY and ACCIDENTALLY STRADDLES one of the MISSILES inside.

What do you do? _

***

Wheels Up + 01:03:10

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: RI'ANN SHAPP, FILIPINO JANITOR and LARGE IRRITABLE DOG.

You are on an UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is FREE of its ROCKET BOOSTER. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is VERY CRAMPED. It is DEPRESSURIZING. You are STRAPPED into your SEATS. The CONTROLS are in DANGER of being IRREPAIRABLY DAMAGED. There is a SMELL of POOP. It is no longer FAINT. The is a LOT of VOMIT and POOP in the AIR. It is SPLASHING all OVER the INSTRUMENTS and HELMETS.

RI'ANN SHAPP has LAUNCHED another SPACE SIDEWINDER missile. It has also MISSED, as if it didn't HAVE a TRACKER.

A MAN in a SPACESUIT suddenly SLAMS into your CANOPY. He manages to GRAB something PROTRUDING and CLAMBER into your PAYLOAD BAY with INHUMAN SPEED. He LOOKS like he had a SHOTGUN in his HAND.

The LARGE IRRITABLE DOG begins to BARK its HEAD OFF at the INTRUDER.

The FILIPINO JANITOR is TRYING not to CHOKE on his own TURD.

What do you do? _

[Zixinus]

BEGIN to SPACE-WRESTLE with ETERNAL FREEDOM. Since I am TOO STONED to properly fight in freefall and ETERNAL FREEDOM is CAUGHT BY SURPRISE, we both fail. WE BOTH LAND in my FLOATING BARF, therefore STOPPING IT from REACHING the ELECTRONICS.

MAKE "HUJHUJHUJ" and "HEJHEJHEJ" BATTLE SHRIEKS!
Spoiler

Huh? Meritocratic? What? Isn't a criticism at making a heat-inducing burn a bad idea while our system is near overheating not a valid criticism?

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Yes, it most certainly is, hence why you complained on perfectly valid grounds.

And added the violence