Let's play: SCRAMming up!

[Zixinus]

No, they are not. I have TIED YOUR HANDS, remember?

[Shroom Man 777]

WHERE did you TIE THEM? IF YOU TIED THEM TO THE CHAIR, FINE. BUT IF YOU TIED THEM TOGETHER BY THE WRISTS, and THEY ARE STILL ON MY LAP, then my BOUND HANDS can STILL REACH MY DICK.

[Zixinus]

I tied them to the chair.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Thank God for that.

DROP NOSE slightly, enough to avoid a complete stall whilst till slowing us down a lot. CURSE FURIOUSLY about the lack of SCRAM FUEL.

Ask ZIXINUS: "WHy didn't we kill that fuckhead when we had the chance?"

[Shroom Man 777]

THE FLEXICUFFS or WHATEVER RESTRAINTS have MELTED or DEGRADED DUE TO THE IMMENSE HEAT

MY ARMS RIP FREE OFF THEM and I PROCEED TO MASTURBATE FURIOUSLY ON THE BRINK OF SMARMAGEDDON

[Eternal_Freedom]

"Ivan, when we land, I would like to borrow that American imitation Tokarev. I want to excise the insanity from this insane person. Permenantly."

[Zixinus]

That cannot work, because I restrained you with nylon cord. If the restraints are melted, you should be screaming as nylon is biting into your skin.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Well, it may well be. He IS making loud and incomprehensible noises.

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY has acquired a WEAPON of some kind and starts WAVING IT AROUND in a THREATENING FASHION while alternating between RANTING SEMI COHERENTLY about HELL, DEMONS trying to DEFILE his PRECIOUS REAR and for some reason THE WELSH and SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY at the FILIPINO JANITOR.

[Zixinus]

Yeah, but it should still be not hot enough for the nylon to fail.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Hopefully he'll have another seizure and die quietly.

Oh, shit. If he did, his bowels would release. Urgh!

[Zixinus]

Notice that the WEAPON in QUESTION is a GLOWSTICK.

[PeZook]

CHAPTER 2: PROBES ON A SPACEPLANE

January 22nd 2025
Wednesday
Wheels Up + 01:48:42

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: ZIXINUS, ETERNAL FREEDOM, IVAN IVANOV, WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY, BITCHING BETTY, ROBOTIC PROBE, INSANE FILIPINO, SUAVE PLAYBOY, PHANT and FUCKER NEWTON.

You are on a SPACEPLANE. The SPACEPLANE is FLYING really FAST. It is PILOTED by ETERNAL FREEDOM and ZIXINUS. It is rather CRAMPED. The CONTROLS are CONFIGURED in METRIC UNITS. There is no SCRAM FUEL. There is 32% of MAIN ENGINE FUEL. There is plenty of HYDRAZINE for the APU. The COMPUTERS have FAILED due to OVERHEATING. There is a ROBOTIC PROBE in the CABIN. It is BLARING a lot of MISMATCHED MUSIC. The SYSTEMS COOLANT is BOILING. There is much PEE and VOMIT in the AIR. It is EXTREMELY HOT. You are FAR AWAY from your LANDING SITE. There is PANIC. The PANIC is ENORMOUS.

You ARE at 30 KILOMETRES of ALTITUDE and FLYING at about MACH 8

ETERNAL FREEDOM is still SCREAMING due to MASSIVE PAIN. He still manages to INTERPRET the RAAF MESSAGE and LIFTS the NOSE. You are PRESSED into your CHAIRS as the MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE begins to SOAR UPWARDS.

The CONTROLS are SHAKING PROFUSELY. You are quickly GAINING a lot of ALTITUDE.

PHANT Yells: Oh my god the filipino is trying to masturbate again ARGH HELP ME

ETERNAL FREEDOM YELLS a BATTLE CRY and HEADBUTTS FUCKER NEWTON. He LEVELS OUT the MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE at about 60 KILOMETRES.

It is STARTING to get COOLER, but the MAGNIFICIENT SPACEPLANE begins to PLUNGE DOWNWARDS.

ZIXINUS SHOUTS to ETERNAL FREEDOM to be CAREFUL as he FURIOUSLY COMPUTES a PLACE to LAND. All he can DETERMINE is that you should probably GO towards DRY LAND and HOPE for the BEST.

ETERNAL FREEDOM agrees and TURNS the SPACEPLANE onto an EASTERLY COURSE.

***

Wheels Up + 01:58:42

You are now: ZIXINUS, ETERNAL FREEDOM, IVAN IVANOV, WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY, BITCHING BETTY, ROBOTIC PROBE, INSANE FILIPINO, SUAVE PLAYBOY, PHANT and FUCKER NEWTON.

You are on a SPACEPLANE the SPACEPLANE is PLUNGING towards CERTAIN DOOM. The AIR inside SMELLS really FOUL. There is PANIC. The PANIC is ENORMOUS. There is MUSIC. The MUSIC is quite DEAFENING. FUCKER NEWTON is UNCONSCIOUS on the FLOOR.

You have CLEARED the COAST.You are SPEEDING into AUSTRALIA. You have NO IDEA where you ARE. The TEMPERATURE inside the CABIN is DROPPING.

BITCHING BETTY suddenly WAKES UP.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Pull up! Pull up!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Gear is down!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Terrain ahead!


The ALTIMETER turns ON. It SHOWS you are scarcely TWO hundred METRES off the GROUND.

***

January 22nd 2025
Wednesday
Wheels up + 2:02:12



Middle of nowhere, Australia

You are now: NO LIVING SOUL

You are at a DIRT AIRSTRIP. It is COMPLETELY EMPTY. There is a small SHACK. There is a DILAPIDATED HANGAR. It is EVENING. It is VERY HOT.

There is a SOUND. The SOUND is VERY LOUD. It LOOKS like something TERRIBLE is about to HAPPEN.

***

ZIXINUS Says: What the fuck?! PULL UP! PULL UP GODDAMMIT!

ETERNAL FREEDOM GRINS WIDELY. ETERNAL FREEDOM Says: No way, I'm putting this bitch down!

ETERNAL FREEDOM OPENS the HOVER DOOR and SETS the SPACEPLANE on its TAIL. PHANT FLIES across the CABIN and SLAMS into the BULKHEAD. You MIGHT have KILLED him.

ETERNAL FREEDOM LAUGHS MANIACALLY. SUAVE PLAYBOY is WAVING a GLOWSTICK around and SCREAMING his HEAD OFF about BUTTSEX DEMONS and DEFILING people's REARS.

The SPACEPLANE STALLS. EVERYONE YELLS. There is ABSOLUTE TERROR.

There is a THUMP. The LANDING GEAR GROANS like it is about to BREAK. The SPACEPLANE SHAKES again and STOPS in a CLOUD of DUST.

You are ALIVE.

You are on the GROUND.

Code: Select all

MISSION COMPLETE

MISSION SUMMARY

TIME: 2:04:12
MONEY EARNED: 0 $
PASSENGER CASUALTIES: 0

===SYSTEMS DAMAGE===
MAIN COMPUTER - OK
FLIGHT SURFACES - OK
HEAT SHIELD - OK
RADIO - DESTROYED
HYDRAULICS - OK
RADIATOR - DAMAGED
INTERIOR - RUINED BY BODILY FLUIDS
DOCKING CLAMP - OK
RADAR - OK
COCKPIT INSTRUMENTATION - DAMAGED

===CARGO===

RANDOM SPARE PARTS (23)
MK 84 2000LB LOW DRAG MUNITIONS (3)
FUELING HOSES (4)
OFFICE CHAIR (1)
MEDKIT (1)
SPECIALIZED TOOLBOXES (2)
CHINESE TAKEOUT (4)

===FUEL LEVELS===

SCRAM FUEL: 0%
MAIN ENGINE FUEL: 11%
RCS FUEL: 98%
APU FUEL: 84%

You have gained copious EXPERIENCE in NOT DYING.

END OF CHAPTER 2
INSERT DISK 3

[Zixinus]

OPEN EXTERNAL HATCH TO ALLOW SWEET, SWEET and URINE-FREE OXYGEN INSIDE.

Turn ON external cooling. OPEN RADIATORS so I can later inspect the damage. OPEN CARGO BAY DOORS.
Once all of them are open, TURN OFF APU.

Then UNSTRAP and LEAVE SPACEPLANE.

CHECK INVENTORY and SELF.
TAKE A CAREFUL DUSTBATH (making sure to check beforehand for any of Australia's beautiful poisonous creatures).

INVEST EXPERIENCE POINTS in GUILE and TECHNICAL SAVYNESS and NAVIGATION. Leave some experience points.

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY sees pure and clean light coming through the HATCH as ZIXINUS opens it. SUAVE PLAYBOY runs out into the open air thinking it is THE ESCAPE FROM HELL and makes it about fifty paces before KEELING OVER into a MISHAPPEN AND MISBEGOTTEN PILE OF DUDE.

[Zixinus]

ONCE DONE with DUSTBATH, USING DUST to DRY CLOTHES and REPAIRING MUSTACHE, attend to crew.

TAKE FIRST AID BOX FROM CARGO BAY. GO BACK into the RAVENSTR and use FIRST AID on PHANTASEE.
EXAMINE REST of the CREW in case they need any more FIRST AID.

[Eternal_Freedom]

SIEZE TOKAREV. SECURE JANITORS ARMS AND LEGS to his BODY, then UNSTRAP HIM from his SEAT.

HAUL his ASS OUTSIDE. STICK him on his KNEES.

PLACE IMITATION TOKAREV in JANITORS FACE.

ASK HIM for any LAST WORDS.

[Zixinus]

Ask ETERNAL FREEDOM from RAVENSTAR:

"Why be messy? Use one of Australia's many, many lovely and deadly critters."

[FaxModem1]

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY unstraps and climbs out of cockpit.

WCDG SEES desert. CHECKS CELLPHONE FOR SIGNAL.

IF he gets signal, he calls WHITE POLAR BEAR, also known as FATHER, for help and/or instructions on what to do.

IF he doesn't get signal, he looks for a CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

After that, in either scenario, REPAIR RADIATOR.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Say to ZIXINUS: "This is quicker, easier, more certain and more satisfying. Besides, It's not like I've got to clean up the fucking desert."

[Zixinus]

I ASK ETERNAL FREEDOM that instead of just shooting the JANITOR, why not BURY HIM and INTERROGATE HIM. We should know what the FEDS know.

Once I have provided MEDICAL AID (which I decided to invest my remaining experience points) to PHANT, SUAVE PLAYBOY and anyone else who needs it, I EXIT the RAVENSTAR. Beforehand however, I MAKE SURE that the FILIPINO JANITOR IS PROPERLY GAGGED AND RESTRAINED.

I TELL WCDG that he should wait with repairing anything and instead should help. THE RAVENSTAR is not going ANYWHERE and we should look after ourselves for the moment. We'll repair the radiator together a bit later, once we recovered. Besides, it would be more prudent to CLEAN UP and REPAIR the RADIO so the RAAF can CONTACT US. The RADIATOR should be the LAST on our priority list.

I LOOK FOR MATERIALS TO BUILD a SIGNAL FIRE. I GATHER THEM UP and START ONE. I am CAREFUL to NOT START A BUSH FIRE.

Once that IS DONE, I TAKE TEN MINUTES REST IN THE SHADE.

[FaxModem1]

WCDG, halts working on RADIATOR, yells back to ETERNAL FREEDOM.

"WHAT ABOUT THE DESERT COMBERS?"



"I here they live in these parts."

[Eternal_Freedom]

Say: "Argh, fucking hell. Allright asshole janitor. Tell us what you know and I won't kill you. Tell us bullshit sob stories again and I'll put a bullet through each of your knees and leave you here to starve or die of thirst."
Spoiler

Experience points? Sweet. Can I spend any I have on being a) more badass or b) an even better pilot than I apparently am?

[Zixinus]

SHOUTS TOWARDS WCDG that if he insists on being the self-titled mechanics, he should take a look at the radio if he can. We need to contact the RAAF unless he fancies going Bear Grylls.

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY has been FIRST AIDED into relative health and discards the RUINED SPACESUIT so that he can search the nearby area for WATER, SUAVE PLAYBOY needs a BATH. SUAVE PLAYBOY also attempts to find a MAP in order to find a HOTEL.