Thanks to Mayabird for extensive consultation, and to Shep for being deranged enough to think of Shepistan in the first place so I could follow the consequences of its existence to their logical conclusion.
Edge of the Capital Wasteland
Shepistani Federation
3375
Susie rubbed her forehead, then slumped to her desk and groaned. The headaches always came back when she went to the arcos to visit her parents, and they took days to go away. They'd been a problem since she was nine. Her first doctor, a pediatrician, blamed it on allergies. She gave Susie dozens of shots that did nothing. Her second doctor, another pediatrician, blamed faulty climate control, and ordered her family to monkey with the temperature settings in her room. All that did was give her a nasty cold one summer and practically give her heat stroke the next. The third doctor, a specialist, said it was some exotic sinus condition and gave her a cutting-edge designer med to tackle the symptoms. All that did was make spots dance in front of her eyes. The spidery purple flashes of light across her vision faded after a month or two, lasting just long enough to ruin her twelfth birthday party. Right in the middle of it, she'd had an attack vicious enough to have her screaming "HAIRY PURPLE SPIDERS!" and trying to climb the walls.
That was fifteen years ago. Susie didn't go to the doctor very often after that.
She had her own theory about the cause of her headaches. It was The Stupid. She could feel The Stupid. Everywhere. It was strongest in cities, around the military parades and the government buildings. It was weakest in the countryside, miles from any place. But it never really went away. Even when she'd hopped on a shuttle and flown to Montgomery's moon on a senior field trip in high school, The Stupid was always with her. Whenever she went places where The Stupid was strong, she could feel it sucking away IQ points, distracting and confusing her. And then the headaches came back.
Shepistanis didn't really have a word equivalent to "military-industrial complex," any more than fish had a word for water. But if she'd known the term, she'd have said that was it. That was the source of The Stupid. The troops, the endless obsession with bigger and better guns to make louder and louder bangs. The quest for tighter and tighter security and more and more secrecy. What was it even for? The Amplitur War ended hundreds of years ago! If there were even any of them left alive, they probably just a Stone Age tribe cowering on some random moon in the middle of the Badlands. They probably wouldn't even remember what their ancestors did- they'd spend all their time wondering when the sky gods were going to rain fire again. Were all the endless preparations supposed to fight that? It wasn't just stupid. It was Stupid. The distilled essence of stupidity, concentrated into the purest form she could imagine, soaking through everything, oozing from everything.
The only way to get away from The Stupid was to get away from civilization entirely. Go out into the country, where it was weak and she could ignore it and she could think. That was why she'd become a biologist. To flee from The Stupid. She shivered, then fought her way back to control of herself. It was okay, she was safe here. The Stupid was still there, naturally. She could still feel it. But it couldn't hurt her here. She could get back to work. She could contribute. Susie was helping!.
Hold onto that thought.
She sat back up, thinking. The project she had cooking in Experimental Field Four was good, it had gotten her thesis done (she felt a flash of humor: Ask Doctor Susie!). It might help, but... she murmured to herself.
"What we really need is a way to stop baby geese from growing up into adult geese. Baby geese are cute. Adult geese are just machines for turning plants into more geese. And goose poop." Well, that was a project for another time. Another tool in the struggle against branta canadensis horriblis, the dreaded Mutant Hell-Goose. The struggle to reclaim the planet from this bizarre new species. For now, her tool of choice was... Experimental Field Four.
The idea had been bouncing around her head from her second year in grad school. Finally, she got sick of waiting for it to come together for her, so she decided to take desperate measures: a two week vacation to Hollowstone National Park. The center of Hollowstone was over two hundred kilometers from the nearest town and almost a hundred and fifty from the nearest military base. No one had ever tried to develop it, because access overland was almost impossible and because of the constant low-level seismic activity. Because there was nothing there, it had ridden out the Amplitur War without a scratch. And it was mostly too high-altitude for the Mutant Hell-Geese to be comfortable, so they left it alone too.
This made Hollowstone's rugged forested mountains one of the few stretches of pristine wilderness on Montgomery. Camped out on a mountaintop near the exact center of the park with two weeks' food supply and her personal minicomp, she could really concentrate. The Stupid faded to a whispering echo at the back of her mind, and everything was clear. Problems she could never have solved in a city, that would have taken her months to tackle even in a lab where the arcologies were just smudges on the horizon, she solved in days. During those two weeks in the wilderness, Susie wrote most of her doctoral thesis. And that was how she came up with the design for a new line of gene-tailored plants. Specially modified for one purpose: tasting horrible to geese.
Once she got back to Site Twelve, she went to work. She'd started with algae; that was just good practice. Then grass, a few kinds of bushes, some scrubby little trees. She moved on to flowers, mostly because she liked flowers and you saw so few of them outside greenhouses on account of the all-consuming Hell-Geese. She'd seeded them in Experimental Field Four, on the edge of the Capital Wasteland, an area where the mutant geese flourished and devoured nearly all plant life except the hardiest, quickest-growing, most deeply rooted breeds.
Mutant Hell-Geese roamed Experimental Field Four freely, pecking at the ground. She'd had to deliberately feed them to keep them around, though, just so she could finish the tests. Because the geese would not touch so much as a leaf of the plants she'd seeded in Field Four.
It was a great show for visitors. All around for kilometers in any direction, there was nothing but rocks, bare dirt, lichen, and an occasional patch of moss. The geese scoured up any seeds or sprouts they could find. And then there was Field Four. A meadow, with flowers and grass and softly buzzing near-bees. And, just to make sure the test was thorough, it was also next to a duck pond. Or rather, a goose pond. Which made no difference- even when the field was literally swarming with Hell-Geese, they didn't attack the plants.
She smiled. She could see it now: crop strains that defended themselves from the plague of geese, grass spreading over the Capital Wasteland, finally repairing the last of the damage from the Amplitur War. She was so proud.
TO: CPT. TAYBACK
FROM: CINCMONTY
SUBJ: OPERATION QUACK MAMBA EVAC PLANS
1. QUACK MAMBA AREA OF OPERATIONS CURRENTLY OCCUPIED BY CIVILIAN RESEARCH FACILITY.
2. POSSIBLE APPLICATIONS OF FACILITY RESEARCH FOR BIOWAR AGAINST ENEMY CONSIDERED MARGINAL.
3. PLATOON OF STACKWATER PRIVATE MILITARY CONTRACTORS, DESIGNATED CHARLIE FOXTROT, EMPLOYED TO EVACUATE CIVILIAN RESEARCHERS FROM AREA OF OPERATIONS PRIOR TO SWEEPS SCHEDULED FOR 14 JULY.
4. CHARLIE FOXTROT WILL BE OPERATING OUT OF BASE STEEL BROTHER EAST FOR DURATION OF QUACK MAMBA OPERATIONS.
5. UNDER CURRENT STANDING ORDERS, STACKWATER CONTRACTORS HAVE CLEARANCE TO EMPLOY WEAPONS UP TO LEVEL THREE IN THE QUACK MAMBA AREA OF OPERATIONS, AND MAY REQUISITION ADDITIONAL WEAPONS UP TO LEVEL THREE FROM BASE ARMORY.
Susie stretched. Time to go back to the dormitory. Gotta feed Haiku. The researchers lived on-site. There wasn't much in the way of amenities, but they had private rooms and they were far away from The Stupid. That was all that mattered in Susie's book. She walked out of the lab into the afternoon sunlight.
Then she felt a sudden urge to blink. Hard. At first she thought it was just the sun, but... no. Something was wrong. She could feel it approaching. From the east. The Stupid... A column of dust rose over the road from the direction of the MoCo arcologies. The Stupid was swelling in her head, a distracting buzz that scattered her thoughts... she squinted, rubbing at the side of her head. Then she gritted her teeth. She could manage. She had managed for years in the heart of Stupid, and if The Stupid came to her here, well, she'd just have to deal with it.
Then they came round the bend. A convoy of military vehicles- several trucks and a swarm of general-purpose utility vehicles; the army called them "Doomvees" for some reason. They pulled up to a halt along the road that led through the main buildings. A bunch of men in paramilitary-looking fatigues got out. From the lead truck came a big man who had light body armor on over his fatigues. He looked like he was in charge. And he was grinning, like everything was a big joke. "You would be... Miss Susan Islington Warren-Marshall?" She did not like his tone. He wasn't any older than she was, and even so he was still being patronizing to her. And what had he done to be able to do that?
"Doctor Warren-Marshall. What do you want?"
"My platoon has orders to evacuate civilian researchers from this facility in preparation for military sweeps of the area, doctor. Get whoever's in charge here, tell them they have... Hm." he tapped his stubbled cheek with one finger. "Ninety minutes to get their shit together and move. Or be moved. Their choice."
This isn't my job to handle. This isn't my job to handle. "Doctor Nansen is in charge, Building Three..." as she raised her arm to point to the building, the senior researcher came storming out- looked like he'd been working on something sensitive, because he still had his coat and gloves on and his goggles up on his forehead. The old botanist strode up to the Chief Goon, barking out questions.
"Who are you? What is the meaning of this?"
The tough just grinned again. "Doctor Nansen, I am Lieutenant Kilgore, Stackwater Interworld Solutions. As I just told your friend here, I am here under orders from C-In-C-Montgomery to evacuate civilian researchers from this facility in preparation for military sweeps."
"Military? Who authorized...?"
"Quack Mamba was authorized by President Sheppard himself."
Oh no. At first, she'd hoped the television announcements were just a rumor, that a man calling himself "General Sheppard," as in the Sheppard, had claimed the presidency. But she'd looked at the new images, and compared them to ancient historical footage online. It had to be a clone of the same man, the man who'd led the old country into a disastrous biowar back on Nova Terra. She didn't want to think about... But Dr. Nansen was still talking.
"Quack Mamba? What the hell kind of name is..."
This guy definitely seemed to get off on interrupting people. "Operation Quack Mamba is the preliminary stage of clearing operations against the mutant hell-goose infestation of the Capital Wasteland. We're pulling out all civvies in the area. You have ninety minutes to evacuate this facility, get your gear together, and get on board the transports my men brought with us. Anyone not ready to board in ninety minutes will be placed on board, by force if necessary. I do not have time to play games, Doctor Nansen. Get your people moving."
Dr. Nansen was good at these things. His eyes were very wide, but he didn't shout or bluster any more. He just turned, very calmly, to face Susie. "Susie, go get your things. Tell anyone in the dorms to pull together their personal belongings. I'll round up the assistants and make sure the seeds and data logs are safe."
She'd done it. She never would have thought she could, but she'd managed to scoop everything important into just two bags in under an hour. She'd put the bags in a pile that the Stackwater guys were throwing into the back of a heavy truck, and gone back to get Haiku. The cat looked nervous, but stayed still and quiet in her arms. She walked over to one of the Doomvees, where two of the Stackwater drivers were standing and chatting.
Just then, a massive flock of geese descended on the pond by Experimental Field Four, honking. That was at least half a kilometer away, so the noise wasn't too bad, but the sheer number of the things blocked out the sun for a moment as they passed to the west. One of the Stackwater troopers' jaws dropped. "Holy crap that's... damn, there must be thousands of them. Wish I could get the bounty on some of those..." He stopped and visibly thought about it. “Not opening up without orders from the Loot.” He turned to Susie. "...How come they aren't eatin' the stuff by the lake?"
She grinned, coldly. "That's what we've been doing here, that you're here to stop. We figured out how to breed plants so that..." Her explanation got technical quickly; this was what she'd been living for the past four years.
"So... the geese don't eat it because it tastes like crap to them?"
"More or less."
The trooper sucked in his breath and gave a wry, sympathetic chuckle. "Well, that sucks."
"What?"
"Well, way I figure it, new official policy is to kill the geese, not just make stuff taste crappy to them. I mean, not that I'm not impressed or anything, but... looks like you just wasted a lot of time here, miss."
The Stupid buzzed inside her brain, rising and falling, almost like it was taunting her. She closed her eyes, held Haiku a little closer, and stepped into the Doomvee.
Half an hour later, the column pulled out. Two of the assistants had to be dragged out of the main building clutching packets of seeds. Nansen didn't have to be dragged; he came out head held high, with what had to be almost fifty kilos of data storage racks held in his hands, carrying them like they didn't weigh more than so many bags of feathers. Wait. Did he... he didn't go back for any of his stuff, did he? Knowing the director, he probably hadn't.
Once all the scientists were on board, the convoy moved out. Then there were some squawks on the radio as they crested the hill overlooking the site. All the drivers pulled to a stop. She rolled down the window: outside, only five meters away, a group of men had hustled off one of the trucks and were fiddling with some kind of heavy weapon- a big tripod-mounted tube with a huge bomb loaded in the front. Some kind of portable cannon?
One of the troopers took a look at the tip of the bomb, then looked at Kilgore, who was overseeing the team and grinning wider than ever. "Sir, I don't think CINCMONTY cleared us to..." Kilgore frowned. "Corporal, we're cleared to use weapons up to level three, no? And the Daniel Boone is a level three weapon, no?"
"Yes sir, but that's only with conventional rounds..."
"If the base quartermaster had not meant to issue us special munitions, he would not have left the keys to the special munition room lying out where I could see them, now would he?"
"Ah..."
"Corporal." The Stackwater officer's cigar bulged outwards at the pressure of his teeth. "Load. One." He turned to the man wearing what looked like sergeant stripes. "Jack, get the column moving out. Me and the boys will stay here to take imagery up until initiation. We'll need the gun camera footage to collect the bounty." The rest was said softly, but the wind carried it to her ears. "Bounty on that many of the fuckers in one go. We'll be rich men." He waved his arm. The sergeant said something into the radio bud by his ear, then hopped on one of the trucks as the column started moving.
A few minutes later, the driver of the Doomvee she was in listened to some more buzzing on the radio. "Everyone, eyes front! Look towards the front of the vehicle, and bend forward!" She didn't know what he was talking about, but she did as he said. Then there was a flash of light reflected off the road ahead of them. No. No. It can't be. They didn't just...
Susie didn't really want to look; she knew what she'd see. For the first twenty seconds or so she managed not to. Then a tremendous roar blasted by them on both sides, shaking the Doomvee like the gust front of a storm. Something rattled off the back window of the vehicle.
She couldn't help it any more. She looked out through the rear window. The hill behind them hid the blast site itself from view. But she could still see Lieutenant Kilgore. It had to be him, standing there, a tiny capering figure silhouetted against the rising mushroom of flame over Experimental Field Four.
Susie curled up into a ball on the seat, her arms around Haiku. That is it. I am LEAVING.
Leaving. To somewhere. Anywhere, really. Anywhere they didn't laugh and ignore scientists. Anywhere they didn't pop lunatic clones of equally lunatic ancient dictators out of tanks and put them in charge. Anywhere they didn't declare nuclear war on geese.