The Bragulan Economic Exposition Extravaganza of Friendship (BEEEF),Vlyadibragstok
Written with Shroom and SimonThe Grasping Pseudopod of Friendship had diverted to the BEEEF in obedience to the greatest urgency. The Ocean’s People had originally had little desire to travel to the BEEEF; their material needs were modest and their true desires were more knowledge and wisdom than anything else. They reasonably assumed that at an extravaganza of material overabundance and warlike excess would have little to offer them. This perspective, though, had changed with the deafening silence from the MEH, who now foolhardily risked the destruction of the Ocean’s People, which led to the meeting of Reds to consider others means of bolstering their planet’s defence. And so it was that the Pseudopod arrived and was welcomed to the BEEEF in the name of galactic trade, inhumanitarianism, Bragnot, Glasnot and Bragstroika and several other words ending in Troika.
But despite the urgent importance of their task, the Squidoids were not immune to the charms the BEEEF had to offer, although not the same charms many would think. As it turned out this rare collision of so many different cultures and races did provide unexpected opportunities to experience new philosophies and perspectives. Many had come here with soap boxes to spread their creeds to the multitudinous and varied audiences available at the BEEEF. So long as they paid a small bribe to the guards, they would not be stickbeaten for heckling paying customers. Already several of the squidoid shore detachment from the Pseudopod had become embroiled, in a measured and considerate fashion, in discussions with various street preachers and roadside philosophers. Those of the crew who remained true to course elected to cross one of the many warehouse subsections of the BEEEF to better reach the more militarized exposition plots, guided by Green Speckled Historian of Storms in Far Oceans towards what he claimed were the people who could sell them the most effective defence against rampaging orks.
It took a certain desperation or stupidity to be a criminal operating actively at the BEEEF; while it was true that the Bragulans were indifferent to investigating crimes that didn’t involve bears, they were quick to act on accusations of guilt. If one was caught and he was lucky he’d be shot then the bears would piss on his corpse, if one was unlucky he’d be pissed on by the bears before they shot him.
But how much greater must the stupidity and desperation be for the criminal to choose as target for his perpetrations squids in twelve foot tall powerarmoured travel suits? That was discovered today.
His parents had named him Cheese Narwhale which meant that the stupidity was perhaps genetic. But such things were not what filled Cheese’s braincheese as he lurked in the shadows, waiting for the fabulously wealthy and completely unprotected target that was surely coming down the hallway towards his hiding place. What occupied Cheese’s mind is that he had a SHOTGUN! it had cost most of his credits, but it was big and made a ratchety double click noise when he used the pump action! Surely with such a weapon he was invincible, nothing could stand against it and men and bears alike would quake in fear at the sound of it’s ratchety double click noise!
Cheese grinned confidently and stepped out into the corridor as his victims came close, pumping the shotgun and ejecting an unfired cartridge onto the floor menacingly. “Alright losers, hand it over! your money or your life!” he declared as he eyed his targets for obvious valuables but found his gaze migrating upwards to take in the entirety of those he would rob. For a moment Cheese had a tiny nugget of doubt enter his mind as he realized the people he was trying to rob were alien and also REALLY tall, but then he remembered he had a SHOTGUN and stopped worrying about it.
“I think there must be some sort of misunderstanding, we have no interest in your weapon good sir. We are in a hurry to make arrangements with someone in the next sector of the complex” Purple Striations of Currents and Purpose replied, looking down at the strange human who had temporarily halted their progress along the corridor.
Green Speckles tried to explain. “I believe this is what the humans call a “hold up,” Purple Striations. Where he intends to use threats of violence, bodily harm and death to compel us to hand over goods and money.”
“Really? But such activities would result in an unequal and detrimental redistribution unless the goods were subsequently allocated towards the greater good of society at large by informed parties after measured discussion.” Purple Striations pondered aloud and queried “Human, what do you intend to do with the goods you wish to compel from us?”
Cheese was beginning to realize that events were not unfolding as they should, but faced with a huge metal squid asking a question, he chose to answer. “I’m gonna get drunk, hire girls to gimme a lapdance and then get a ticket off this festering bear’s armpit of a planet! Now gimme the cash!” He demanded, waving the shotgun back and forth in a menacing fashion.
“Fascinating. This individual seems blind to the effects of his actions on society at large. I wonder why. Is it because he is simply maladjusted mentally?” Purple asked of Green Speckles.
“It is possible that poor social planning due to lack of centralized authority on a large scale or simple biological error resulted in him achieving a disadvantaged state in which he perceives disadvantaging others to be the only viable means of re-balancing his situation. A kind of retributive attitude to society at large, if you will.” Green replied.
Cheese had gotten impatient now, the situation was not going according to plan. “Gimme the cash or I’ll blow your fucking metal heads off!” He yelled, then shot one of the squidoids in the leg.
“Why did he do that?” asked Purple, holding up his pockmarked ambulatory tentacle to Green.
“Typical human impatience, I’m afraid, Purple Striations.” Green grabbed Cheese and Cheese’s weapon in different tentacles, separating the two and lifting both into the air.
“Let me go you giant metal monster! And gimme back my shotgun!” Cheese yelled, dangling and trying to loosen the metal gripper wrapped uncomfortably tightly around his middle.
“No. However, I have a proposition for you, human. What is your name?” Green asked. Purple flashed his emitter diodes orange “What are you planning Green? Do you intend to take him with us?” Purple asked and added “I question the wisdom of such an action.”
“Indeed, it is our moral duty to introduce and reinforce a productive work reward philosophy into this human so as to break him from this self destructive condition.” Green explained and then looked to Cheese again who was starting to turn an unusual colour and making strange gasping noises “Now, what is your name human?”
“C-cant...breathe...can’t breathe...please...too..” Cheese wheezed out.
“Very well Can’tbreatheplease. I am Green Speckled Historian of Storms in Far Oceans. This is Purple Striations of Currents and Purpose and Red of the Grasping Appendage of Friendship.” Green set Cheese down and released him.
“It’s Cheese Narwhale, not Can’tbreatheplease.” Cheese gasped, trying to get his breath back, though the squids didn’t seem to hear him.
“A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Cantbreatheplease.” Purple said and then quietened so Green could explain the proposition. “Cantbreatheplease, if you agree to aid us in various capacities for the duration of this expedition to the BEEEF then we will reimburse you for your aid. This will hopefully restore some semblance of a productive ethical framework in your mind and allow you to be once again of benefit to the society you in turn benefit from. Your weapon will be kept from you so that it cannot tempt you into your socially maladaptive practices again. Do you agree to our terms?”
“Do I have a choice?” Cheese asked, straightening up finally as the ache in his ribs became tolerable.
“If you decline, we could bring you to the attention of the Bragulan authorities.”
“OK, OK! I don’t want to get pissed on!” Cheese replied hastily and then oofed as Green dismounted a large fraction of the bags from his harness and placed them in Cheese’s arms.
“Then carry these, Cantbreatheplease.” Green moved to join Purple as the squidoid group, now plus one human, went into motion again.
“Why did you tell him we would hand him to the Bragulan authorities?” Green asked.
“Socially maladjusted individuals may respond better to threats than promises of rewards, you said that in the ship’s discussion three years and four lunar rotations ago.” Purple replied with a tinge of amusement in his diodes.
“I had the impression that you were not paying attention at that time. I thought your sociological interests had atrophied in the face of your fascination with the technologies required for voyaging the oceans above.” Green said considerately “I am happy that you were enriched by my expertise.” he continued and with that the squidoids entered a busier section of the BEEEF and began to seek out directly their chosen destination, the Umerian exposition.
The squids’ giant walking hazard suits, their newly acquired human porter trailing behind, clomped towards a large, trendily-decorated booth with a great banner suspended over it. Bracketed between the starship-and-sun logo of the Umerian Space Security Force and the MiniProd cogwheel-and-hammer stood a boldfaced title:
High Energy Beamline Export Company
When you need it vaporized by lunchtime.
“Greetings fellow sentient, and may your oceans be peaceful. We are interested in discussing the purchase of planetary defence particle cannon platforms with you, may we impose on your time?” said Red of the Grasping Pseudopod of Friendship, immediately gaining the complete and open attention of the sales representative. Not that the squidoids were really going unnoticed, in their twelve foot tall power armour travel suits covered in paint patches and light up coloured diodes they stood out as the most imposing potential customers that’d come to the HEBEC sales booth thus far at the BEEEF.When you need it vaporized by lunchtime.
“Planetary defense platforms? One of our most popular product lines! We sell a wide variety of heavily shielded orbital and gravlev-statite gun platforms, ranging from destroyer-grade dual electron-positron beams up to dismounted battleship guns, designed to the highest* standard of capital ship firepower you’ll find anywhere in the galaxy! All built around one or more of our high-power, long range particle beam weapons, all using proprietary Umerian technology to give you the firepower you need to protect your world from renegade pirates, hostile battlefleets, or marauding orks!” the salesman replied with a nod and an impressive display of enthusiastic handwaving, worthy even of Al-Stan the Totally and Completely Honest and Legitimate Weapons Dealer and Used Starship Salesman.
*Disclaimer: other, more powerful battleship weapons not available for purchase by squidoids may exist. Offer not valid where prohibited. Ask your doctor before using Huge Proton Cannon. May cause side effects such as stray electric charges, wake fields, Cherenkov radiation, and very large kabooms.
Green gestured with one of his four manipulator tentacles. “Your last point presents a convenient segue for our concerns. We come as representatives of our homeworld in sector A25 and have need of a perimeter of defensive particle beam cannons to protect our world. Your nation has historically proven the effectiveness of particle cannons in repulsion of ork Waagh forces through the defeat of the ork warlord known as the Tyrant Jagga. It is this precedent that brings us preferentially to you.”
“Thank you Green, now, patient fellow sentient, please discuss the implements of destruction your organization is willing to trade.” Red said.
“Of course, gentlebeings. Our standard types come with a service plan, maintenance and operation staff included in the price tag- many of our customers prefer not to try to maintain our cannon from their own industrial base or, ah, change their minds after trying to. Fuel costs not included; I presume you’ll have no difficulty supplying deuterium for fusion generators?”
“Our production is adequate and the pressing nature of our current needs puts our considerable reserves at the disposal of our defence.” Red said with a gesture of confirmation.
“All right, then. Let me run through the platform types. You can start out with the handy little “twin sevens,” this is one of our best-tested items; the Type 28 lepton gun. We’ve been turning this one out for nearly sixty years, refining as we go, and we guarantee free barrel component replacement for the first 200 hours of continuous firing. Each gun platform comes with two of them, one firing electrons, one firing positrons, to ensure a stable self-focusing trajectory for those high-precision long range shots. Good for sniping; just look at this footage of ‘em taking component shots on a Gwabooly assault transport. See that blowtorch action at the join between the shield panels? Yes, those rangefinder numbers are real.
“Of course, they’ve got the range, but firepower... not exactly something you’d want to take battleship-hunting. We recommend that any serious defense grid of Type 28s be boosted with a few of the big proton guns. If, on the other hand, you want something harder-hitting in the lepton-beam market, there’s the Type 31 ‘carronade-’ single-barrel platforms this time, but four times the kilotons-per-second. Long range shot dispersion a bit more of a problem, of course; you can’t have everything at those charge-mass ratios.
“If you’re looking for something with the Type 31’s current and the Type 28’s range, though, you need look no further than our heavy proton guns! For starters we offer a variant of the spinal beams on our own heavy cruisers, the Mark Eleven Block 76. It slices, it dices, it can even saw through a comet without melting it! Ah, within the optimum effective range envelope. The quite large effective range envelope.
“And again, we offer a related model for more... up close and personal work: the Mark Eleven Block 83, a close cousin of the Block 80 CareBearStare weapons you might know of from the Lancer-class heavy monitors fielded by the Iduran Confederacy, another of our many satisfied customers. High beam current, very high, but be advised, range limitations are unavoidable with so much space charge going out so fast. We recommend this one be supplemented by missile defenses. Since you gentlebeings seem to favor the life aquatic, I’d like to call your attention to one of our special offers: buy an Eleven-83, and we can guarantee you a 10% discount on a squadron of surface-to-space missile submarines.
“Of course, if you aren’t shopping for missiles but still want to be able to reach out and really bite into enemy capital combatants at those seven-figure ranges, always important for planetary defense, we have the full-up dismounted battleship guns. There’s also the Mark Fourteen Block 25, designed to the highest standard of high-precision single-barrel firepower you’ll find in the Spinward Expanse! Or, if you’re really having an emergency, the deluxe version- the Fourteen-42, the very same model seen on Umeria’s own Titan-class dreadnought! Er, allowing for a few... minor alterations.”
The delegation’s leader waited for the Umerian sales pitch to come to its natural conclusion, then responded. “We beg to impose upon your patience. We must take time to consider your products.” Red said, going into consultancy with Green and Purple. The armoured squidoids flashed back and forth and talking amongst themselves for a time before they finally turned their attention back to the salesman who had remained professional in his patience the entire time. Sales of planetary defense artillery weren’t made lightly, and the business was very Darwinian in favor of patient vendors.
“We will require a set of four 14-42 platforms to make our tetrahedral orbital perimeter. This will allow for a maximum of twenty-five percent reduction in firepower due to weapon platforms being obstructed from firing on target by the planet itself. In addition these are of similar lineage to the weaponry that annihilated the Tyrant of Jagga and of such have the historic precedent elaborated upon by my associate Speckled Green Historian of the Storms of Far Oceans.”
“If I may ask, what already present defensive assets are in place to defend your planet?”
“Our nation has afforded a single warship, the Warning Yellow Flash of Last Resort which will act in our defence. It rates at an estimated one hundred points on your Stefan-Wilkins scale.”
“A worthy vessel, gentlebeings. However, in order to provide a planetary defence in depth, I strongly recommend that the tetrahedron of 14-42s be reduced to a triangular scheme of three platforms, supported by a shell of Type 28s- to provide a second engagement envelope you understand, greater multi-target engagement, and of course the raster fire mode on lepton beams is an excellent way to... fatally discourage clouds of relativistic impactors. For the price of the fourth 14-42, well, you could almost complete a dodecahedral array of Type 28s; trust me, you won’t regret the extra price of the eleventh and twelfth units. If you’re looking for denser coverage, scaling up from there gets you a sliding-scale volume discount- see footnote three in the technical notes for the Type 28.”
The squids turned to each other a moment. Red flashed orange diodes at Green, who gestured with a tentacle. Seemingly satisfied, Red turned back towards the sales representative “We acknowledge your superior expertise in this area. As the defence of our homeworld is of utmost importance to us we proposition the idea that fifteen type 28 lepton platforms would be a sufficient inner perimeter.” Red said.
The human’s eyebrow did not so much as twitch in pleasant surprise. “Certainly within our suggested ratio of light and heavy weapon platforms... ah, I am not privy to the levels of threat you expect to face gentlebeings...”
“Nor are we, fellow sentient. But nevertheless, let us work with that as the package under discussion.”
“Very well. there is, of course, the matter of payment. Our usual rates are within galactic norms given the level of security we offer- check the price sheet and compare with the going rates for our competitors if you like.”
“We require these defensive systems only until the situation around our homeworld stabilizes. As a result we would like to propose a lease on the equipment in question.”
“Gentlebeings, HEBEC has learned, from long experience, that anyone who really wants to lease a planetary defense platform is probably going to need it. There’s often some difficulty getting it back in usable condition afterwards. Unless you care to go through a fairly extensive vetting process via the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Ministry of Security, I’m afraid a lease arrangement is out of the question.”
Red looked for a moment to Green for a reaction of some sort then turned back to the sales representative.“ This is minorly unbecalming but not an unforeseen response. How extensive is this process you speak of?”
“On average, hmm.” The human pulled out a strange arrangement of marked metal slides, moving his lips slightly- any sound was below the threshold of their receptors. “There’s about a... call it fifty megasecond waiting period.”
“This is an unacceptable processing period. Events force us to move with unaccustomed haste in this matter. The systems must be in place as soon as possible. We once again request your patience while we confer.” Red said and once he had gained acquiescence once more the squids discussed matters amongst themselves for a few minutes.
“We propose the concept that we undertake payment by installment. Would that be acceptable?”
“We do accept financing plans of that sort, but only with a very substantial sum as collateral- as a rule, fifty percent over the up-front cost of the system.”
“We have a foreign currency reserve sufficient to cover such an obligation.”
“Of course. Naturally, this is only a preliminary agreement, but we’ll be happy to fast-track the discussion and transport process in light of your urgent needs. Shipping and handling will be issues, placement depends heavily on the distribution and intensity of your planet’s magnetic fields; I hope you have survey data readily to, er, tentacle, but I’m sure you can work that out with our technical representatives. I’ll schedule the meetings as quickly as possible, if you’d care to authenticate this preliminary agreement here, here, and here...”
The squidoids from the Grasping Pseudopod of Friendship were content when they left the emporium of HEBEC. Knowing that the resources of their nation for the next few years had been committed to making sure their nation survived the next few months, they intended to peruse some of the more interesting philosophers and preachers during their stay- and perhaps find the rest of their crew in the process.
They were not expecting a representative of the Bragulan Star Empire. And certainly not expecting how seemingly magical his appearance was. As the squidoids moved away from the booth he seemingly appeared in a momentary gap generated by the brownian motion of the crowd. Not as if he had stepped into the gap but as if nature abhors a vacuum and had decided to fill the gap with a bear in uniform as a way of making do. However before Green could properly probe this mystery the bear was already making his introductions.
“Hail comrade mollusks!” the bear said as he pocketed his bottle of whisky. He tried to remember his lines, which he had rehearsed while listening in on their surveillance on the Umerian stalls. “Our intelligence has informed me that you are on the market for planetary defense weapons. Yet our data on your People of the Ocean national economy says that you can barely afford some of the more ostentatious weapons systems being peddled here in the BEEEF by the humans, like the oh-so-clever Umerian technocraticos and their beam lasers that go ‘pew-pew!’”
He made funny ‘pew-pew’ sounds while shooting invisible particle beams with his claws, before emitting a mighty laugh.
“Da, their weapons systems are indeed formidable, but cost so much roubles, da?” he looked at the squidoids suggestively. “Maybe you are asking yourselves, after you are done using particulate cannons and is time to pay up, what then? Will you be economically destitute, or in debt? What of your foreign currency reserves which, if our reconnaissance on your nation is correct, will have quite a chunk of it used for purchasing particulate protonoid cannons?”
The squidoids shifted oddly. These things were all true! And the way the bear was stating it, so obviously alluding to how they had gathered intelligence on the People of the Ocean. Such shamelessness.
The shameless bear continued.
“Maybe you are wondering, ‘wouldn’t it be nice to bolster defenses with cheap, reliable, mass producible and effective death-dealing... errr purely defensive weapons to protect our nation from those who threaten it?’ Wouldn’t it be nice to have a certain friendly and very well armed comrade-nation at hand to aid a fellow inhuman ocean peoples by supplying gratuitous quantities of these... purely defensive weapons in the name of Byzonistic internationalist inhumanism and glasnot and bragstroika and so on and so forth? It would be doubleplusgood, da?” the shameless bear finished with a saying he heard from the Shroomanists, or was it the Strakanians, “Am i rite?”
The bear crossed his arms smugly and mentally thanked the IBGV for gathering as much information as they could on the nations attending the BEEEF.
Red and Green were silent for a moment, merely glancing to each other and flashing in a fashion not reminiscent of a set of christmas tree lights on the fritz. Seemingly satisfied Red let Green speak “It would be calming in these troubled times to have further implements of warfare. However it would depend entirely on the degree of generosity of this comrade nation and the degree to which these armaments were discounted. A great deal of our financial reserve has been committed as collateral for our defensive purchases, as you know, and cannot be utilized for purchases with no form of possible recuperation.”
“Hmmm... da, that is understandable,” the bear scratched his ear. He was wired, and he could hear his IBGV supervisors talking in his earpiece, they were discussing what to say next. Finally, they decided and gave their instructions to him. He repeated their exact words. “You can tell the squidoids that glasnot and bragstroika is not merely about capitalistic monetary rewards, it is about helping fellow inhumans, though Bragule’s generosity is not unlimited and some form of reciprocation should be expected - if not in currency, then in other things like overflight permission or opening ports and refueling stations to Bragships or something like that.”
The Bragulan winced as his superiors shouted at him in his earpiece.
You dumb shits! When I said ‘repeat exactly what I say’, I didn’t mean to repeat what I said THAT exactly!
Green gestured “A moment.” he said and again he and Red conferred, this time somewhat more at length and verbally as well as colourfully.
“We admit to being curious as to what needs your nation would have for an anchorage above our ocean. You are distant from the affairs of our region of space and have your flighty feline allies to provide anchorages also. Enlighten us as to the implications of your desires.” Green said cautiously once they’d finished conferring.
The Bragulan pulled up a tiny device and pressed a button on it. The built-in Geiger counters of the squidoids’ suits began flashing, informing them of rising radiation levels, though not enough to threaten their suits. The squids recognized it as an anti-surveillance system that would render them inaudible to anyone dropping eaves nearby. Unfortunately, that also scrambled the link between the Bragulan and his IBGV handlers, but the IBGV observers could read lips and relay commands to his earpiece by pulsing binary codes.
“Bragule is concerned with the sudden emergence of a certain large human nation rather close to your vicinity. I believe it is a problem for both of our peoples. The rotund humans claim the entire sector as theirs, even if they do not have any right to do so, even if you have more right to that space than they. But they ignore your pleas, at their peril.
“Our Imperator will not stand for such swollen human insolence making mockery of inhumanitarianism. You see our anchorage with the Chamarran felines, but that is because they too worry about the man-whales whose carelessness provokes war with the greenskins. The felines have requested our aid should those man-whales direct their attention elsewhere. Which is also why we may need anchorages over your oceans, in the event the blubbery bourgeoisie need be taught a lesson in humility. This, we do out of inhumanist solidarity to a comrade-nation in need of defense against the encroachments of the slavering chitinous human hordes.”
Before the squidoids could digest the verbal bragarrhea the bear had just deposited on them, he shifted topics quickly.
“But before we go too deep into that, first let us show what the glourious Star Empire of Bragule can offer your Ocean People. Behold, most affordable and yet most destructive discount devices.”
Suddenly a titanic telescreen descended from the ceiling, accompanied by booming macrophones that reverberated even the water inside the squidoids’ sealed suits.
The Bragulan editors withheld a certain portion of Jayne’s Spud description, the part that mentioned the Spuds’ ancientness and the obsolescence of some variants.Jayne’s Weapons of the Galaxy, 3400 Edition wrote:The 011-R Bearlbrus, more commonly known as the "Spud" (its Solarian reporting name), is an extremely large thermonuclear missile tracing its origins to the early centuries of the Bragulan space age. The rockets used in the colonization of the Bragulan system and the missiles later launched from Bragule to kill those colonists are considered ancestors of the Spud as they share roughly the same thermonuclear propulsion system. The modern Spud is powered by liquid uranium and liquid plutonium injected into an internal atomic combustion chamber, a crude method that nonetheless makes it surprisingly fast even in an age of exotic power sources and space drives.
A Spud rising on a mobile launch platform.
The Spud's large size also makes it a large target for point defenses, but its designers have made the missile extremely resilient to damage by armoring its nosecone with the very same bragsteel used in its combustion chambers. Advanced variants can actually mount their own defensive missiles and K-bolter CIWS, meaning that a sufficiently upgraded Spud can deliver its warheads to even targets with formidable protection. The standard tactic is to launch them en masse, letting sheer numbers overwhelm the defenders in a flurry of oversized radiation-spewing missiles, independent revengeance vehicles, and penetration aids. Since a single Spud is as big as a building and has several tons of fissible material divided among dozens of MIRVs, even if only a few make it through the defenses the ensuing damage will still be quite severe. In the case of Spuds armed with vegemite-enhanced nucleonics, the megatonnage they carry make them very capable anti-capital weapons.
The Spud has been in production for centuries, meaning that there is an enormous stockpile of the ancient missiles. Most are either used "as is" by the Bragulan militaries or exported to anyone in the market for strategic nuclear weapons. Some have been modernized progressively for use by frontline Bragulan units and are far more capable than the obsolete variants in the export market. Due to their size, Spuds can only be launched by larger platforms, such as planetary launchers and warships.
Because the IBGV had heard of how the squidoids valued the Umerian particulate guns for their precedent use on Orks, the telescreen began showing historical film reels of Spuds blowing up the various enemies of the Bragulans - from before the Great Civil War to during the Great Civil War, then the Apexai War, the Solarian War, the Scron War, the Byzantine War, the next Solarian War, and another Byzantine War before a few more Solarian Wars, and the latest gun-camera footage from Jenova, involving the nuclear strike on a Byzantine Titan and the destruction of a place called Tidustown. For added measure, the footage came with a speech. Several, in fact. It began with a description on the awesome power of the Spud missile, middled with an address to the factory workers and union laborers of Spud components (nuts and rivets) factory, and ended with the reading of an IBGV-provided list of all the people ever killed by the missiles.
Byzon mandated that the speech of casualties go on for a year, but through creative interpretation the propaganda editors decided to base the ‘year’ on a really fast planet’s revolution of a really small sun, allowing them to fast forward the speech of death.
The Bragulan resumed talking to the squidoids as the speech played on in the background. The telescreen was now showing footage of the weeping families of Spud casualties.
“This is the most budgetary unit available to suit your tactico-strategico-militaro-financial needs. And as you see, it has a glourious history matched by no other weapon. It can be shipped by bulk, and we can offer the services of Bragulan technical advisors to help you best utilize these weapons. We can provide the Spuds now and talk about compensation later. After all, we are not capitalists, we are Byzonists foremost and inhumanists secondmost. Seeing the fat humans’ tubby tears will be payment enough.”
The Bragulan laughed inexplicably. It wasn’t a fucking laugh, it was a cackle.
Green, Red and Purple began discussing the matter extensively even before the Bragulans had concluded extolling the virtues and vicious attributions of their particular brand of armamentation, and continued discussing it for some minutes after the Bragulan concluded his speech with only a tentacular gesture beseeching patience to placate the bear in the interim.
“We believe should you be willing to withhold the matter of payment that this offer would prove satisfactory. Though our intended foe to unleash these ordinances upon is not human but Ork in nature. A WAAAGH! is soon to descend upon the space we share with these particular humans and the green tide when roused to such fury is notoriously inaccurate and liberal in seeking satisfaction of their bloodlust.” Red said and then gave Purple a flash.
“These armaments I believe will best be put to use as weaponry for our new asteroid fortress. An analysis of Galactopedia indicates radio isotope emissions from massed Spud launches would contaminate an unacceptable amount of our Ocean should they be launched from ground sites.”
The notion of not wanting radiological contamination on their oceans was a foreign and un-Byzonic one to the Bragulan’s brain. He perished the thought immediately and through double-thinking reinterpreted their request as that for space-only platforms.
“Da, the Spuds would be ideal for an asteroid fortress. It is simple, you merely have to put Spud launcher tubule in place and launch remotely, no need for extensive fittings of particulate cannons or finicky humanoid maintenances. Spud can be connected to control center wirelessly or through fiber-optics. Spud can even be concealed, buried in asteroid, as Spuds are capable of breaking through bedrock when launched from underground.
“May I also suggest space mine variant of Spud?” the bear pulled out a fifty kilogram porta-computer, with a monochrome telescreen displaying a wireframe schematic of a peculiar nuclear missile.
“The SPUDCAP, Spud Capsulated . A stripped down Spud is placed inside a capsule-launcher composed of low-visibility metamaterials, giving it a measure of ‘stealth’ and allowing it to be concealed in the depth of space, or amidst asteroid belts, debris fields and other such things. They have their own passive-aggressive sensors and can be programed to engage autonomously in however way you see fit operate, or they can be command-guided as well for better precision and less... premature discharges, heh-heh-heh. You have an asteroid fort to be armed with Spuds combined with the very expensive Umerian particle cannons that you can barely afford. Combined with a high orbit mined with Spudcaps, you can have a very formidable defense grid that would even give pause to a first-rate navy, which the Orks definately are not.
The porta-computer then displayed the orbital defense layout given by the Umerian. “Judging from your defense plan with the Umerianoid particulate cannons, it would be most efficient to mine the space here, here and here.”
The Bragulan stabbed the small black-and-white screen very hard with a ‘tablet’, which was just a sharpened piece of bragsteel, to mark his designations. The squidoids looked in fascination.
“Spudcaps can be set to launch upon the approach of the enemy, to weaken them and expend their ammunitions before they even reach the range of the particulate guns. It will buy you vital time in a siege situation and attrite the enemy. Also, the Spud mines can be programmed or remote-controlled to attack after the enemy has passed through and is near to your world.”
“Why would we want them to be near our world?” a squidoid asked.
“Because!” the bear bellowed. “When they are engaged by the particulate cannons, the Spuds can launch from behind them, trapping them inside a kill-zone with Umerianoid beams in front of them and Spuds behind them. This will maximize the damage done, multiplying the effectiveness of your planetary or orbital defenses.”
The bear deactivated the anti-surveillance radiation field and placed his paw on his ear, very obviously and shamelessly listening to his superiors.
“My superiors on the line say that they would be willing to withhold the matter of payment so that this offer would prove satisfactory to you. All so that we may thwart the humans.”
“Orks,” a squidoid interjected.
“Whatever,” the bear waved a dismissive paw. Suddenly, he shouted, “This will be the ultimate revengeance!”
And then he laughed. He fucking laughed.
The bear’s exit was even more inexplicable than his entrance, as a flock of Anglian courtesans in ball dresses came forth to sally him off into the yonder.
Leaving the squidoids quite perplexed as they pondered everything that had just happened.
"
- PeZook
