n00b Genesis Evangelion (Version 1.5)

[Sidewinder]

I revised this story, breaking it up into chapters so it would be easier to read. The subject remains the same:

Yui's younger brother becomes Shinji's guardian after her death. At the time the 3rd Angel is prophecized to come, Gendo demands that Shinji be returned to his custody.

Gendo's brother-in-law is a US Army officer who refers to the Commander of NERV as a "worthless cunt." With a man like that as a role model, Shinji grows up with a gun fetish. Welcome to hell, Ikari Gendo.

[Sidewinder]

A humanoid alien with an avian head-- Sachiel, Angel of Water-- vanished behind a fireball and then a mushroom cloud, a harvest of death and destruction not seen since nuclear war consumed India and Pakistan shortly after the Second Impact.

Cheers and laughter thundered in the Command Center as Japan Strategic Self-Defense Force (JSSDF) officers, serving under the United Nations' aegis, celebrated the alien's apparent destruction. Static clouded the monitor as the question "Condition of target?" was answered with "Undetermined due to radio wave interference." "With such a massive explosion, it must have been destroyed."

An operator calmly stated, "Sensors again operational," as the static cleared to show the colors red, orange, and yellow; the stoic and professional veneer collapsed with the words, "A high-energy reaction detected at the center of the explosion!"

"What the hell...?"

"Visuals restored." Countless cameras began sending information to the Command Center, replacing those blinded when the non-nuclear (N²) warhead detonated with kilotons of destructive energy.

The alien's appearance-- standing tall, violet ichor ebbing from fresh wounds-- was followed by the JSSDF officers' despair and resignation, the overwhelming sense of impotency in the face of Sachiel's power. "That was our trump card!" "Unbelievable!" "It's a monster!"

Two men watched from an elevated platform behind the JSSDF officers, their stoicism near mocking the JSSDF officers' panic. "It's healing itself-- regenerating-- as expected," Fuyutsuki Kozo said.

"If it didn't, it would be useless as an autonomous weapon system," added Ikari Gendo.

These two-- respectively the Subcommander and Commander of NERV, a UN agency whose reason for being was to destroy the Angels-- watched a second head emerge from Sachiel's chest, beside the one injured in the explosion. "Its abilities and its strength have increased. Impressive," Kozo commented.

"In addition, it acquired intelligence-- we have been weighed on its scales and found wanting."

Kozo began saying, "It's only a matter of time before the Angel..."

"Strike Leader, this is Command One. Commence second strike against Target Alpha; I say again, commence second strike against Target Alpha."

All attention was now on the black man, a United States Army officer whose tranquility stood out more so than his skin color and his afro.

A JSSDF officer began, "Black-san, our available weapons are ineffective..."

"That's why we have eight Ravens circling the monster," he referred to the FB-22 bomber variant of the F-22 fighter. "We just expended one SRAM," AGM-131 Short-range Attack Missile II. "We have 15 we can use right this minute, plus 64 more at Misawa," a US Air Force Base north of Tokyo-3. "Fry that son-of-a-bitch."

The second missile was already in the air when Gendo began, "But...!" Then the warhead detonated, drowning out the bearded man's protest.

Minutes later, the report, "Visuals restored-- again," was followed by the sight of a giant 'X'-- Sachiel, the two heads staring at each other from opposite sides of a torso split from shoulder to hip, literally trying to pull itself together as it swayed to and fro, arms flailing and knees buckling. "It's still alive?!"

"Not for long," the black man confirmed every Japanese person's worst fear-- he'd use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until he ran out, or until the monster was destroyed, whichever came first.

Sachiel's eyes widened as the Angel's arms rose... to display a sign labeled, "ARE YOU INSANE?"

Words burst from the JSSDF officers' mouths, like bullets from a machine gun, as they discussed the meaning of Sachiel's actions. "Is the Angel attempting to communicate with us?" "If so, who is it addressing?" "To the...?" The JSSDF officers glanced at the black man.

Sachiel lowered and wiped its forearms upon the sign; it now read, "I'M TALKING TO SIDEWINDER-- THE AUTHOR".

"And his reply is 'Stop breaking the Fourth Wall, or you'll get a cameo in the next "Gung-Ho Gun Hos" story,'" words that made the JSSDF officers shudder. The black man began, "Strike Leader, this is Command One. Commence..."

"Wait!" Gendo and Kozo, their faces red from running, stood before the black man. "Let us... NERV... handle the situation," they said between labored breaths. "Please!"

The black man raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You geniuses sure you can handle this by yourself?"

"Yes... Sir." Sweat fogged up Gendo's sunglasses, forcing him take them off and wipe the red-tinted lenses. "NERV... exists... to defeat the Angels." The bearded man looked less intimidating-- almost human-- without his glasses.

"We don't... have to sacrifice... the city... Tokyo-3... to do so," Kozo added.

The black man shrugged. "Very well. Don't hesitate to call for help if things get out of your control." He rose from his chair and marched out... of this story.

First Lieutenants Hyuga Makoto and Aoba Shigeru turned to each other. "Who the hell is that guy?" "General Black? He's a supporting character from the 'Bad Anime' series." "I thought he was a self-insert?" "No, General Black has a single handgun. The self-insert always has two, like Chow Yun-Fat."

The JSSDF officers said, "Mister Ikari, you have command of this operation from this point on. We'll observe how you handle the situation," and, "We expect much from you." Their computer consoles lowered into a corridor the floor, from which the officers may ride a secure subway to safety.

Kozo graciously accepted a bottle of water from Makoto, took a sip, and then asked, "UN forces can't help us-- well, they can, but they'll probably vaporize NERV Headquarters in the process. What are you going to do?"

Gendo's face was again an iron mask, his thoughts hidden behind the sunglasses. "I'll activate Evangelion Unit 01."

"Unit 01? But we have no pilot."

"That will not be a problem; another is being delivered."

A skeptical Kozo frowned. "From where?"

"That is irrelevant."

"That is relevant. The author is a US military veteran and a gun nut-- a bomb nut. If the pilot is an American, Tokyo-3 may be-- will be 'bombed back to the Stone Age,' as the Americans are fond of saying. I did not join NERV to see all our works destroyed-- likely by accident, but the death and destruction will be no less real."

Gendo began, "The Children are children. I am his father; he will not dare..." Kozo was already out of earshot. "Foolish old man."

"Lieutenant Aoba, please research Sidewinder-san's stories and find me a position in the US military," the subcommander ordered.

This request surprised the long-haired. "Okay, but... why do you want to join the US military, Sir?"

"Because the author's former brothers-in-arms are least likely to be killed, crippled, or castrated by the end of his stories."

"Good point, Sir." 'I better improve my English-- Spanish too.'

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 1

***

The demonic visage-- a metal mask with triangular teeth locked together like a beartrap, a blade antenna jutting between golden eyes-- appeared before the 14-year-old boy.

Shinji Ikari-- a US citizen, his surname followed his given name-- frowned at the giant robot. "Why is there a dick on its forehead?"

A dozen human heads simultaneously banged against floors, walls, and safety rails-- in Gendo's case, the bulletproof glass of the window before him. "What?!"

Shinji pointed at the horn-like antenna on Evangelion Unit 01. "Is that thing supposed to be a hard-on? Uncle Takeshi has a friend in the 160th, who gave me a Battlehawk ride on my birthday," he referred to the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment, which operated the AH-60 attack variant of the UH-60 utility helicopter. "I know what guns and cable cutters look like, and I know that's no gun or cable cutter. It's too damn obsolete to be a radio antenna-- the Air Force upgraded its stealth fighters with flush-mounted antennas decades ago-- so what the hell is it? And who painted it a gay ass shade of purple? The pilot will die of humiliation long before the enemy has it in range."

"That is the Multipurpose Humanoid Fighting Machine Evangelion, the product of my efforts, and the human race's only salvation," Gendo said to salvage his dignity. When he received his son's attention, the bearded man said, "It's been a long time," and then, "Move out."

"Move out? But Unit 00 is locked down!" Captain Katsuragi Misato protested. "You-- you intend to activate Unit 01?" the purple fighting machine before them.

Doctor Ibuki Maya, director of the project that created the Evangelion, explained, "We have no other options."

"But...!" A skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette. "Isn't that Ritsuko's line? She's supposed to be Director of Project Eva."

"This is a side story to 'The Rear End of Evangelion'. Akagi Naoko-sensei and Ritsuko-sensei are in China right now, transforming Evangelion Unit 08 into the Chinese Air Force's H-8 bomber."

"Then why is Shinji here? I thought he was in America right now?"

"The Commander demanded custody of his son. This is the author's way of saying, 'Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it.'" Maya turned to Shinji. "Ikari Shinji-kun, you must board Evangelion Unit 01," she said-- tried to say-- cold-heartedly.

"But Rei required a full seven months to learn to synchronize with the Eva!" Misato used an abbreviation for 'Evangelion.' "And Maya-chan, you can stop trying to take Ritsuko's place as the ice queen. I can still read Shinji-kun's face; it says, 'I am not impressed.'"

"Oh." Maya's expression softened. "At present, stopping the Angel is top priority. Even if he has minimal potential to synchronize with the Eva..."

"That gay ass thing?" Shinji started a second round of head-banging.

"Shinji, I summoned you so you may board Evangelion Unit 01 and pilot it in battle against the Angel. Stop crying and enter the entry plug-- the cockpit," Gendo growled.

Shinji countered, "With no prior training? Am I a kamikaze pilot now? Do I get a cute little suicide bomb to go with that big gay robot?"

Gendo's frustration mirrored his son's. "We do not have time for this."

"Yes we do," Kozo drew the bearded man's attention to a monitor.

Sachiel's sign now read, "TAKE YOUR TIME-- TAKE A FULL SIX YEARS IF YOU WANT".

"Very well. Doctor Ibuki, load the training program," Gendo ordered.

***

N00B GAY ASS EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax.

***

The order "Launch!" was given as the clock counted to midnight. Electromagnetic rails, an application of magnetic levitation technology, carried the Eva out of the underground fortress where NERV Headquarters was.

Sachiel greeted its enemy with energy beams that formed crosses after they struck their target. The neural interface allowing Shinji to control the Eva, sent feedback-- a burning, piercing pain-- to report the fighting machine was damaged.

"Ahhhh!" The attack launched the Eva across the street, until the fighting machine landed on its back, dozens of meters away from its original location. Sachiel sent forth beam after beam, knowing if the enemy had a moment to catch his breath, the Angel would breathe its last.

"Shinji-kun, quick! Get up right this minute, or you never will!" Misato shouted, expressing unusually great concern for a boy she met today.

"Status of Unit 01's defenses?" Gendo asked, unusually calm for a father watching the Angel of Death come for his son, flesh of his flesh and blood of his blood.

"It's not receiving the signal!" "The field is not yet deployed!" Maya and Makoto replied as successive attacks sent the Eva rolling away from the enemy. "The armor can't take much more of this!" "We're all going to die!"

Then Unit 01's fingers dug into the road surface, anchoring the Eva.

"Shinji-kun!" Misato cried as Unit 01 clawed itself on a foot and a knee, like a sprinter. An invisible wall-- the absolute terror (AT) field-- rose before the crouching Eva, shielding it from enemy attacks.

"Unit 01 has deployed its AT field," Maya reported. "It's neutralizing the phased space," Sachiel's AT field created.

"Roarrrr!" With that, the Eva charged. Sachiel's bony mask cracked and then shattered before Unit 01's metal-clad knuckles. Otherworldly flowers bloomed before the Eva-- Sachiel's blood staining Unit 01's AT field before the violet ichor dripped onto the ground. The questions "Weapons-- how do I arm the robot's weapons?" shook the Command Center as Shinji rained blow after blow upon the fallen Angel.

"Um, Ikari-kun, the Eva has no integral weapon systems," Maya quietly explained.

"What?!" Then the boy screamed as pain, burning pain, pierced his thigh-- Sachiel's talon extended a bony spike it thrust into Unit 01's leg.

"The pellet and positron rifles are being shipped to Tokyo-3 as we speak; they'll arrive by 1000 hours tomorrow," Misato added as the Angel grabbed Unit 01's head and slammed the Eva against a building beside them.

"Argh!" Unit 01's right hand covered the talon gripping its head, locking it in place; the left reached and then tore out two of Sachiel's eyes. "Whose," the bony spike broke as a metal-clad knee slammed against the Angel's crotch, "bright," Sachiel found itself lying on its chest, the right arm rising like a flagpole behind its back-- an unnatural position, even for an unnatural life form, "idea," Shinji pulled, tearing the Angel's arm out its socket, "was it," Unit 01 straddled Sachiel, locking the Angel's left arm against its torso, "to design," metal-clad knuckles hammered Sachiel's spine, "a big," a vertebra shattered under the blow, crushing the nerves it once protected-- Sachiel's right side was now paralyzed from the neck down, "gay," crack, "robot," crunch, "with," squirt, "no," splatter, "guns?" splash! Violet ichor rose from the Angel's wounds, like water from a fountain.

Sachiel's right arm regenerated, strengthening itself... to display a sign labeled, "I SURRENDER-- PLEASE DON'T KILL ME".

Misato frowned at the screen before her. "You give up? You won't wrap yourself around Unit 01, self-destruct and try to destroy your enemy as well?"

The Angel's sign now read, "YOU THINK I'M A BAKA BOMB?" suicide attack aircraft of World War II. "YOU THINK I WANT TO KILL MYSELF?" started a third round of head-banging.

Misato began, "Commander, may we deviate from the script by...?"

Gendo turned to a mummified Ayanami Rei-- a 14-year-old girl whose injuries should leave her bedridden for the rest of the week, not standing before the bearded man, offering him water and aspirin. "Whatever." He swallowed a handful of pills.

Kozo began, "I warned you..."

"Shut up, Old Man," Gendo growled as he poured another handful of aspirin.

*

"Alone?" Misato wondered aloud.

"Yes, his room is located in Block 06." The Security and Intelligence Division, Section 2, officer turned to his newest charge. "Is that...?"

"Wait!" Maya drew everyone's attention as she ran towards the boy. "I asked for and received permission to take care of Ikari-kun." Her arms encircled Shinji-- to her, he was the last life preserver on a sinking ship-- as she whispered, "I'll even give you the password for my big-screen TV's parental controls, so you can watch AVs," adult videos.

A skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette. "I thought you swung the other way? Besides, look at this," she squeezed Shinji's biceps and felt hard muscle, strengthened by years of martial arts training. "There's no way we can put him in a skirt and pretend he's a girl."

"The Commander," Maya stopped herself from breaking the Fourth Wall by mentioning 'The Rear End of Evangelion' again, "just stated his intention to inspect my residence and ensure I didn't," she shivered, "violate regulations by bringing classified information home. If Ikari-kun is my roommate, the Commander is less likely to come, and I have an excuse to decline a request to," another shiver, "work overtime under his supervision."

"And you're confident Shinji-kun won't tear off your clothes and take you against your will?"

"The Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article 120, states the maximum punishments for rape are 'dishonorable discharge, death or confinement for life, and forfeiture of all pay and allowances.' You can be confident I don't want a dishonorable discharge, the forfeiture of all my earnings, and a bullet in my head-- if I'm lucky." Shinji felt everyone's eyes upon him. "My uncle's an Army officer. He's teaching me the shit I need to know on a promotion board."

"Will you be my roommate?" the brunette returned to the subject.

"Fine. Just get me a fireproof gun cabinet and a firearms license, so the police won't bust my ass when Uncle Takeshi delivers my survival gun," the boy deadpanned.

"Consider it done!" Maya was already leading an impassive Shinji out of the room when understanding dawned upon Misato and the Section 2 agent.

"Survival gun?"

***

To be continued.

[Sidewinder]

Suzuhara Toji opened the classroom door to see more empty seats than students. "Where is everybody?"

"They fled to safer havens. Many were transferred to other schools-- not surprising, considering the city is now a battlefield," Aida Kensuke answered.

Toji frowned. "Do you really want our hometown to be a battlefield, complete with collateral damage and UFO everywhere?"

"You mean UXO-- unexploded ordnance," the bespectacled boy corrected his friend.

"Whatever."

"Toji, are you okay?" Class President Horaki Hikari asked. "You were absent since the robot appeared."

"With good reason-- the giant robot demolished our house." Toji heard a gasp escape the girl's lips. "No one was hurt-- my family was in the designated shelter when it happened-- but," a clenched fist rose between the two, "I ain't satisfied until I feed that piece-of-shit pilot a knuckle sandwich."

"By the way, did you hear anything about the transfer student?" Kensuke changed the subject.

"Transfer student?"

The bespectacled boy pointed across the room. "That's him. He transferred here while you were gone, right after the giant robot incident. Isn't that unusual?"

'He' was Shinji, who fell asleep while sitting straight in his chair. The teacher failed to notice the Eva pilot's inattentiveness-- or the students who were obviously asleep, their heads resting on their desks or their chairs reclining against the desks behind them. The elderly man droned on... and on... as the students' attention bled from the grievous boredom he inflicted.

A flashing light drew the pilot's attention to his school laptop. The question "Are you really the pilot of that giant robot? Y/N" appeared onscreen, followed by "You are, aren't you?"

Toji frowned when the answer "No" appeared onscreen, and turned to Shinji. "Just follow the script, will you? Answer, 'Yes,' let me hit you for demolishing my house, and then save my life by taking me into Unit 01's entry plug when the Fourth Angel attacks, demonstrating how big a hero you are."

Then the pilot's eyes-- cold, calculating, like a viper's as it prepared to strike-- met a shivering Toji's, sending the fear of death down the school jock's spine. "The only way this will end well is if we both walk away before the first punch is thrown."

Toji's mouth opened and closed; no words emerged until he was confident he would not stutter and reveal weakness. "What's the bad ending?"

"I walk away, and you're carried away-- to the emergency room if you're lucky, to the morgue if you're not."

Toji's mouth opened to protest, but Hikari spoke for the jock.

"Suzuhara-kun, stop breaking the Fourth Wall!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 2

***

"I got to see it-- just once before I die!" Kensuke exclaimed.

Toji frowned at his friend. "The battle outside?" the bomb shelter.

"I'm afraid if the next enemy comes... oomph!" Kensuke was muffled when the jock's hand covered his mouth.

Toji looked around the latrine. "The transfer student is now an American gun nut, all out-of-character," he whispered. "If we do as we did Episode Three of the TV series, he might not try to save us when the Angel comes. He might even stomp on us as he charges towards the Angel-- likely by accident, but we'll be just as dead." Sensing an unspoken question, he added, "I don't want the author to know I broke the Fourth Wall."

Kensuke pushed away Toji's hand. "He already knows! And don't touch me with hands you just used to hold your cock as you pee!"

The jock grimaced. "Sorry." He turned to the sink and washed his hands; when he turned back, the bespectacled boy was gone. "Kensuke, you moron!"

*

Shamshel, Angel of the Sun, coiled a tentacle around Unit 01's ankle. "Shrieeeek!" Then the squid-like alien threw the Eva towards a hill from which Kensuke watched the battle.

"Shit!" The bespectacled boy turned and began to run; then Unit 01 fell on its back, sending shock waves that knocked Kensuke off his feet.

The Command Center was in furor as its personnel analyzed this Angel's abilities. If Sachiel was the night, Shamshel was the day; such were their differences.

"Damage report!" Misato demanded.

Makoto's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Minimal damage-- Unit 01 remains operational."

Then Unit 01's gun camera captured a silhouette at the edge of Shinji's peripheral vision; Kensuke's school identification appeared below the bespectacled boy onscreen.

Misato's eyes widened. "Shinji's classmate?"

"Why isn't he in his designated shelter?" Maya wondered aloud.

Shamshel's tentacles thrashed at Unit 01, missing the Eva by a hand's span as Shinji rolled away from the attack. Kensuke had no time to scream before the burning red tentacle struck him; luckily, his wound was instantly cauterized, as the Angel meant to burn through Unit 01's armor.

The Command Center personnel collectively winced. "Ouch." Maya turned to Misato. "Should you order Ikari-kun to let-- what's his name, Kenny-- into the entry plug before retreating?"

Unit 01 grabbed a tentacle to pull the Angel closer. The other tentacle coiled around the Eva's neck, but Shinji literally beat Shamshel to the punch. "Do you," the Angel flew backward and then forward, becoming a monstrous yo-yo as a pull followed each blow, "know," crack, "who," crunch, "you're," squirt, "fucking," clatter, splatter, "with?" splash!

The armor protecting Shamshel's super solenoid (S²) organ-- the Angel's power source-- lay fragmented on the ground. Violet ichor dripped from Unit 01's right hand; the left gripped the tentacle it tore free. Shamshel had the strength for one last blow; the Angel used it to raise a sign labeled, "I GIVE UP-- YOU WIN".

Misato frowned at the screen before her. "Why did the author think Shinji-kun would be a better pilot if he grew up in America?"

Unit 01 shrugged, mirroring its pilot. "Could be worse. If I grew up in Russia-- unconcerned about innocent bystanders, collateral damage, and shit like that-- I'd nuke the city to get this guy," the Eva pointed at Shamshel. "And I mean nuke-- one-point-oh megaton of fiery death and destruction, minimum. Then I'll go home and toast myself-- with vodka, like any good Russian-- while you people deal with the radioactive and political fallout."

Everyone in earshot paled, including the Angel. "Conceded." "CONCEDED".

***

N00B GUN NUT EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax.

***

Kensuke found himself in an empty room. "Where am I?" A 14-year-old boy and a 29-year-old woman appeared before him; the two stood facing each other, seemingly unaware of the bespectacled boy. "The transfer student?"

"Why did you disobey...?" A frustrated Misato put a hand on her forehead. "Wait, I didn't get to order you to retreat. This story is fucking up the TV series in every way." The raven-haired beauty turned to Kensuke. "What are you doing here?"

The bespectacled boy shrugged. "I'd tell you if I knew where 'here' was."

"Wait, you're unconscious now; that means this is a dream. You're not supposed to... Hell, Toji-kun's not supposed to do this until in Episode 19!" Misato referred to the television series.

"Captain."

"Yaaaa!" Misato turned and drew a Heckler & Koch Universal Self-loading Pistol (USP), whose Laser Aiming Module (LAM) projected a red dot on the female albino's forehead. "Rei-chan!" The beautiful tactician, taking deep breaths, holstered her USP. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"I apologize, Captain." No emotion was audible in Rei's voice, despite the fact she was but 11.3 millimeters-- the weapon's trigger travel in double-action mode-- from death. "I am here to accuse Pilot Ikari of cowardice, as I do in Episode 19."

"Fine, fine." Misato walked away from the 14-year-olds, adding, "Don't let the author fuck up the story worse than it already is," before exiting this scene.

"Yes, Captain." Rei disappeared and then reappeared with two folding chairs, which she set facing each other. "Please be seated, Ikari-kun." After they sat down, the female albino asked, "Ikari-kun, why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry for what happened to-- what's his name, Kenny Something-- but shit happens in wars."

"Did you try to understand your father's feelings?" Rei continued.

A skeptical Shinji frowned. "Understand his feelings... about what?"

"Ikari-kun, please follow the script. Your next line is 'I did.' I repeat the question, you say, 'I said I did,' and then I accuse you of running away from conflict."

"It's impossible for me to act the way I did in the TV series," Shinji countered. "The author all but rewrote my biography-- my life from ages four through 14. A gun fetish is the least remarkable trait I gained."

A skeptical Kensuke frowned. "You don't tell yourself, 'I must not run away,' in the face of battle?"

"Hell no! Now I say-- will say when I'm old enough to enlist-- 'I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit,'" Shinji answered.

"Wait, Misato-san said Toji was supposed to appear in this scene. Does this mean I'm a gimp now?" the bespectacled boy used a derogative term for the physically disabled.

"Affirmative," the albino answered.

"This sucks! I would've given an arm and a leg to pilot an Evangelion! I just gave a limb, but NERV won't make me a pilot!"

"NERV will compensate you by providing a cloned limb, and granting you the status of reserve Eva pilot," Rei added.

"Really?" Happiness poured forth from Kensuke's heart. "Yahoo!"

"Do you know what the hell that means? Cloned organs are still in development; that means you'll be the guinea pig. Don't be surprised if your new limb becomes a great serpent and bites off your head, like King Hiss'," Shinji deadpanned.

"King Who?"

"A character in 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe'," Unit 01's pilot referred to a TV series.

"That's a small price to pay for the honor-- the privilege of piloting the most powerful weapon known to man."

"No, the Tsar Bomb is the most powerful weapon known to man. Hell, the Soviets deliberately halved its output from the original 100 megatons, so the bomb wouldn't destroy the very expensive bomber dropping it. As nutty as they are, I'm glad an American is writing this story. A Russian will declare Tokyo-3 and its inhabitants as regrettable but necessary sacrifices; you know what happens next."

Reality was a locomotive, hitting the bespectacled boy as he walked along the railway to fantasy. "Oh."

"It is time," Rei stated. With that...

*

"You have special permission to visit him-- no more than five minutes," a nurse said.

Toji began, "But... oomph!"

"Yes, Ma'am. We sincerely thank you for your help," Hikari said as her hand covered the jock's mouth.

Kensuke awoke to find himself on a hospital bed. "Oh, hey Toji, hey Class President," he greeted.

"Aida-kun, are you okay?" Hikari asked.

The bespectacled boy's head turned to see empty space where his left leg was. "It looks like I'm alive. I thought the transfer student was here? Was it...?" Kensuke frowned at the splint on Toji's right arm, immobilizing the limb from collarbone to knuckle. "It was no dream, was it?"

"Ikari-kun came to apologize for what happened to you, but you were still unconscious, so he left flowers," Hikari pointed at a bouquet of yellow carnations, "for you."

Toji began, "I was gonna teach him a lesson... ah!" he cried when Hikari pinched his bandaged forearm.

"Ikari-kun warned you what would happen if you fought him," the girl rebuked. "You were lucky he only broke your arm..."

"And dislocated it," the jock interrupted.

"If he broke your neck or your back, he wouldn't be prosecuted for killing or crippling you."

"I didn't hit him..."

"But you threw the first punch! He can say he acted in self-defense, in a court of law!"

"Damn Americans and their Second Amendment," Toji growled.

Hikari ignored the jock as she turned to the bespectacled boy. "You were unconscious for three days, Aida-kun."

"Was I? For three whole days?" A skeptical Kensuke frowned at the girl. "Wait, you're supposed to visit a hospitalized Toji in Episode 19, because you're secretly in love with him. Does this mean you...?" His eyes widened as he turned to his friend. "Don't tell me this is a yaoi story!" a sexually explicit one about male homosexuals.

"I doubt it, considering all the politically incorrect comments the author put in the transfer student's mouth," Toji bitterly spat.

***

To be continued.

[Sidewinder]

Gendo entered the Eva cage, where Maya was supervising Unit 01's repairs. "Status of...?" He noticed Unit 01's horn was significantly shorter-- a cable cutter replaced the blade antenna-- the shoulders no longer mounted wing-like pylons, clearing the Eva pilot's peripheral vision. "What the hell are you doing?!" he demanded as the maintenance crew painted the fighting machine olive drab.

A crewmember began, "Pilot Ikari said the Eva looked gay..."

His coworker pointed at the name now stenciled on Unit 01's shoulders and forearms. "It's an 'Eviscerator' now."

The crewmember shrugged. "Whatever. Pilot Ikari said Unit 01 looked gay..."

"Sounds gay too-- remember the AVs he showed us?"

"How can I forget? That Eva Angelina," a third crewmember's hands formed cups as he thought of the porn star's breasts. "Oh! I envy America for having women that hot!"

"We decided to repaint the Eva-- Eviscerator," Maya corrected herself, "to raise the Children's morale."

"But...!" The bearded man whispered, "Purple was Yui's favorite color," thinking of his late wife, mother to Shinji and the Evangelions.

A confused Maya said, "I'm sorry, please repeat that, Commander."

Gendo's fist clenched. "I will speak to the Third Children and put him in his place." He turned and stomped out the Eva cage.

***

N00B GRAPHIC VIOLENCE EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Bandai, Gainax, Hanna-Barbera, Hasbro, Production Reed (formerly Ashi Productions), and Takara-Tomy.

***

'I got to relax,' Misato thought as she entered the pistol range to work off her stress. "Shinji-kun?"

"Hey!" A smiling man, wearing an Advanced Combat Uniform (ACU), approached the tactician. "Are you Doctor Ibuki? Thanks for taking care of my nephew."

"No, Uncle Takeshi. That's Captain Katsuragi, the 'bad cop' to Doc's 'good cop,'" Shinji corrected.

"Ah, my bad." Major Takeshi Ikari was only five centimeters taller than the woman, but he seemed to tower over Misato; such was the US Army Special Forces operator's presence.

'So this is Shinji-kun's role model.' "Good morning, Ikari-san." The tactician began to bow, but stopped when Takeshi raised a hand.

"Just call me 'Talk Shit,' like everyone E6 and above," the smiling soldier referred to a staff sergeant's pay grade.

"Good morning... Takeshi-san." Misato turned to see the boy boresight the Insight Tech-Gear M6 Tactical Laser Illuminator mounted under a Heckler & Koch HK45 Tactical semiautomatic pistol. "That's your survival gun?"

"It's a good weapon-- accurate, reliable, with decent stopping power." He noticed Misato's frown. "You don't approve."

"I don't think children should play with deadly weapons," the woman admitted.

The boy raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Eviscerator Unit 01 is not a deadly weapon?"

"The Evangelion," she emphasized her disapproval of the new name, "was designed to defend the human race from the Angels, not to kill other humans."

Takeshi began laughing. "What makes you think humans will ever stop killing other? Do you seriously believe the UN will never think, 'The Eviscerator is just what we need to deal with X antigovernment forces in Y country!' and deploy it?"

Misato began, "NERV will never...!"

"Do you think children should go to school?" Shinji interrupted.

A confused Misato answered, "Yes..."

"School is full of things I can use to kill everyone in class." Shinji watched the woman grow paler as he continued, "Pens and pencils will kill a man if it reaches the brain via the eye, temple, or ear; if it pierces the trachea or major arteries; if it reaches beneath the skull to sever the spinal cord; between the ribs to pierce the heart and lungs. Windows, eyeglasses, and anything else made of glass-- I can break them to make a shiv, and slash away," he referred to improvised knives. "Chairs and tables are perfect for fracturing skulls, crushing tracheas, and collapsing lungs. Shirt sleeves, pant legs, socks, and shoelaces are garrotes. Bare hands and feet become deadly weapons with training.

"Should we confiscate the children's pens and pencils, making them use crayons? Put them in a darkened basement with no windows or light bulbs to break? Remove the chairs and tables, making them sit on the floor? Make the students attend school naked? Amputate every boy and girl's hands and feet?"

A shivering Misato answered, "I get the point." She turned away as Shinji put on headphones-- hearing protection was mandatory at indoor ranges-- then the door slammed open. "Commander!"

Gendo stomped towards his son. "Shinji!" Bang! A spent casing hit the bearded man's forehead. "Ow! Hot! Ah! Unhand me!" he demanded as strong hands pulled him away from the boy, onto the floor.

"Gendo, you worthless cunt! Are you suicidal, or just stupid?" the soldier demonstrated why his brother-in-law dreaded him more than all the Angels combined.

Gendo's hand rose to adjust his sunglasses, only for the broken frame to clatter onto the floor. "You..."

"You just marched towards a firing lane without clearance from range control-- me!" Takeshi pointed a thumb at himself, like an American; a Japanese person would use an index finger. "As tempting as it is to let you learn from this mistake 'the hard way,' I doubt Shinji needs the additional trauma of accidentally killing his father!" Takeshi was not one to keep his opinions to himself. He never approved of his sister's choice of a husband-- the man formerly known as Rokubungi Gendo adopted the Ikari family's illustrious name after the wedding-- and he never failed to let Gendo know this.

"I have words for my son..."

"And he doesn't have to listen, considering you practically abandoned him after Yui-- my sister, in case you forgot, you gold-digging whore-- passed away!"

Gendo's fist clenched and then loosened. He knew the consequences of losing his temper-- Takeshi broke Gendo's arm last time-- he couldn't afford to appear weak before his subordinates. The bearded man turned to Shinji. "I will speak to you later." He turned and stomped out the room.

Misato covered her face to muffle her laughter and hide her smile. 'That really made my day.'

Shinji holstered the pistol and turned to see the door slam shut. "Please say again, Uncle Takeshi." He heard nothing coherent through his headphones.

"Great shooting!" the soldier replied. "Continue to scan your lane," for targets.

*

SEELE was the secret society controlling the world-- the fate of the entire human race-- through its pawns, including the UN and NERV. Despite the awesome power it wielded, Gendo knew how helpless it was as the SEELE members' holograms faced him.

"Units 00 and 01's repair costs would consume a nation's entire GDP," gross domestic product, the market value of all goods and services it produced in a year.

"And why did you spend," a SEELE member turned pages of a file outside the holographic camera's field of view, "one million euros on olive drab paint?"

'Damn the Third Children!' "To camouflage Unit 01 and improve its operational efficiency in urban warfare," the bearded man unintentionally told the truth.

The SEELE members glared at Gendo. "You need a better excuse than that." "You reportedly gave that toy to your son. Did you repaint the Eva to appeal to his aesthetics?" "Lives, time, and money... How much will you and your son spend before you are finally satisfied?"

"Let Evangelion Unit 01 be." Keel Lorenz, leader of SEELE, looked and felt like hell. "The Third Children consumes munitions-- and the money we spend on munitions-- like junk food, thanks to Mister 'I can't waste time on an impossible child, so take him away to the United States of Gun Fetish.' We licensed the Evangelion designs to toy companies just to pay telecommunication companies for these conferences! It will do no harm to make the Eva appeal to children-- those young enough to point at a toy and say, 'I want one!' and whose parents are willing to buy it and appease them-- we can use the royalties." He studied another file. "Let us return to the main topic."

"The Human Instrumentality Project." "The single point of light in the darkness of the coming trials." "You must not let the project fall behind schedule, at any cost." "Don't say that!" "Say what?" "'At any cost.' Considering the impact on our personal finances, we might-- will regret signing a blank check to him!"

"Enough!" Keel silenced the other members. "Ikari, you and I have passed the point of no return."

Gendo knew how helpless SEELE was because he was equally helpless. "I understand; the human race is running out of time."

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 3

***

The bearded man leaned forward in his seat, a gargoyle atop a cathedral; his subordinates sprinted to-and-fro from Unit 00 like startled birds beneath him. "Rei, can you hear me?"

"Yes," the albino answered from the entry plug.

"We will now reactivate Unit 00." With that, 100 hands fluttered upon keyboards like countless wings, sending power to the Eva.

Kozo watched his commander's fingers straighten and then relax, a nervous tick few would recognize. "You're tense today, Ikari-kun. Are you concerned for Rei's safety?"

"The author failed to include the flashback in which I saved Rei's life, burning my hands in the process," Gendo referred to Episode Five. "He failed to portray me as a sympathetic character."

"You weren't one to begin with, Mister Child Abuse and Neglect."

"Shut up, Old Man," the bearded man growled.

Kozo looked up. "Did you notice the revised disclaimer?"

"It is irrelevant."

"That attitude will result in your death or disability here. The revised disclaimer suggests this story is now a crossover. We must be prepared for the coming trials." The subcommander waited a moment before adding, "Ikari-kun, an unidentified object is approaching-- it might be the Fifth Angel."

"Terminate the test. All hands at Class One alert," Gendo ordered. "What is Unit 01's status?"

"Um, Commander, Eviscerator Unit 01 is at Misawa Airbase," Maya replied.

"Sortie the moment it..." Then Gendo remembered where Misawa was. "What?!"

"The Americans are mounting an M65-- what's it called, Automatic Cannon-- on the Eva. Ikari-kun, your son, ferried the Eva there."

"You stupid bitch! Why didn't you inform me of this?!" the bearded man demanded.

"We did, but such was your apathy for your son's welfare, you failed to listen when we reported this at 0855 hours," the subcommander bitterly spat.

If looks could kill, Kozo would be disemboweled, his intestines forming the noose with which Maya would hang until dead, dead, dead. "Contact the US military liaison," the bearded man ordered. "Unit 01 and its pilot must be returned..."

"Is that a Fokker-- what did the Red Baron fly-- Dr.I?" the tactician drew Gendo and Kozo's attention to the monitor.

The author's note, "Professionals are en route to deal with Ramiel. Stop harassing the kid," accompanied the three biplanes, a Mark V 'booty tank, and an Ehrhardt E-V/4 armored car-- weapons that saw service in World War I-- onscreen, approaching the diamond-shaped Angel.

Gendo's fists clenched. "Damn you, Sidewinder..."

Kozo ignored the bearded man. "The Dr.I is a triplane; that is a biplane, likely a D.VII."

"Impossible-- the radar indicates those World War I relics are traveling at Mach 2!" Maya exclaimed. Then the Zeppelin R.VI 'giant' bomber, the Fokker D.VIIF fighter, and the armored car transformed into humanoid robots as they approached Ramiel, Angel of Thunder.

"What the hell are transforming robots doing in this story?!" Misato demanded.

The Junkers J.I ground attack plane became... "A werewolf?" the brunette wondered when the engine cowling split to reveal a mouth.

The Mark V became... "A crab?" Kozo wondered when the track frames split to form claws. "It's a unicorn, a symbol of faith and chastity," Gendo said, pointing to the antitank rifle extending from the transformed tank's head. "Unicorns don't have that many teeth," the subcommander noted when the robot's mouth opened to reveal three rows of metal-cutting teeth.

"I am a manticore!" the transformed tank roared, flooding the Command Center with the fear of death.

"Fangs," the transformed R.VI called to silence the manticore; then the order "Elites, to me! Unite and form Thunderwing!" was given.

"High-energy reaction detected within the target," Shigeru warned as the transformed R.VI stepped onto the tank and armored car's heads. "Radically accelerating... converging..." Then the Angel fired a beam of supercharged particles at the alien robots, enveloping its enemies with burning light.

"Pathetic," Gendo said, contempt flowing from his voice like blood from a stab wound.

Maya began, "Um, Commander..."

"Pathetic?" a mechanical voice growled. "You entomb yourself in an underground fortress-- your Geofront. You rely upon machines-- your Evangelions-- to fight for you because your frames lack the strength of steel, much less Cybertronian alloys. And you dare call me pathetic?!" The heat from Ramiel's particle beam dissipated, revealing the speaker-- a mechanical devil in golden armor, with the D.VIIF and J.I as arms, the Mark V and E-V/4 as legs-- to infrared sensors surrounding NERV HQ.

Kensuke, scheduled to perform a 'synchronization test' as Unit 00's reserve pilot, saw the mechanical devil from a monitor in the control booth. "A combiner?" he referred to teams of robots that combined to form a single robot with monstrous size and strength. "Awesome!"

"At least it-- he-- is unlikely to use nuclear weapons," Kozo deadpanned as the mechanical devil's weapon fired artillery shells at fractional light speed, reducing the Angel's defenses-- including an AT field so powerful, all of Japan was blacked out in Episode Six to provide the 180 gigawatts needed to pierce it--to pulp.

*

Gendo stomped towards a catwalk in Unit 01's cage, which would bring him face-to-face with the pilot when Shinji exited the cockpit. "Third..."

"Shinji-kun!" "Pilot Ikari." "Ikari-kun!" "Hey, Shinji!" Four people rushed out of the elevator booth, failing to notice the bearded man before them. "What the hell were you thinking, leaving us at that mechanical devil's mercy?!" Misato demanded. "Did you have prior knowledge of the author's plans?" Rei asked.

"Whoa!" Kensuke drew everyone's attention to the weapon-- resembling a giant HK45 Tactical-- mounted on Unit 01's right thigh.

"The M65 is unusually large for an automatic cannon," Maya noted.

"Are you kidding? That's an Iowa class battleship's 16-inch gun!"

"The M65 field gun-- an artillery piece, not an autocannon-- has a 280-millimeter, or 11-inch, bore," Shinji corrected.

"Like a pocket battleship's main weapons, or Anzio Annie?" Kensuke referred to the Deutschland class cruiser and K5 railway gun's respective nicknames. "That's still awesome!" The dialogue became muted as the speakers boarded the elevator, leaving Gendo lying on the catwalk floor.

Kozo felt anger and hatred so intense, he felt obliged to say, "Please cool down, Ikari-kun, before you fall victim to spontaneous human combustion," as the bearded man climbed to his feet. Hands closed upon the subcommander's throat. "Gasp!"

"I'm tempted to draw my pistol and kill everyone here. Do," Gendo's grip tightened with each word, "not... tempt me." The bearded man pushed Kozo against a wall as he turned and stomped out of the cage.

***

To be continued.

Author's notes are below.

***

Thunderwing, a combination of several 'Transformers' and 'Gobots' characters, is from my 'Transformers Vs Gobots: Storm of Steel' story. If you question my decision to promote my own work-- again-- depending on your attitude, the answer you receive will range from .45 caliber bullets to 16-inch shells. If you're curious why Shinji doesn't fight the Angel of Thunder, for Misato's plan to work:

1) Ramiel must remain defensive-- abandon any attempt to seize the initiative-- the entire time NERV needed to acquire, transport, and assemble the JSSDF positron cannon.

2) Japan's power grid must be impossibly efficient and effective to divert 180 gigawatts to the weapon-- assuming the grid is actually able to handle that much energy, instead of burning out as it likely will in the real world.

3) The weapon and its support systems must be impossibly durable and reliable so a near miss from Ramiel's weapon wouldn't damage or otherwise jam it.

A skilled tactician will never make a plan rely on such ideal-- unlikely-- conditions.

[Sidewinder]

A manmade storm raged as a Mil Mi-55D heavy transport helicopter flew over the Pacific Ocean.

Kensuke's camcorder strained to capture everything in and outside the aircraft. "I never thought I'd get a chance to fly in a Mi-55D! Thanks, Shinji! You're a great friend!"

"Say again?" Shinji heard nothing through his headphones and earplugs; double-hearing protection was mandatory in military aircraft, many of which lacked soundproofing.

"I think it's stuffy to be in that damn mountain, day after day, so I asked you all on a date." Misato heard nothing as well.

"Yeah, the Bulls really kick ass," Toji referred to a basketball team.

The woman pointed out the window. "There's our cruise ship! Isn't she...?" She frowned, raised binoculars to her eyes, and focused on a Nimitz class aircraft carrier. "USS... Harry S. Truman?! She was renamed 'Over the Rainbow' in the TV series!"

A note fell onto the woman's lap, reading, "Would you rather cruise on the starships 'Enola Gay' and 'Bockscar', from 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos'?"

"Bullshit!" Misato crumbled the author's note, dropped it on the floor, and repeatedly stomped on the paper wad. "That son-of-a-bitch author is pissing me off!"

"Wow! Five carriers and four battleships!" Kensuke exclaimed, oblivious to everything else.

*

The bespectacled boy ran around the 40-meter-tall fighting machine on the flight deck, his camcorder capturing the red-and-yellow Evangelion aboard the Ulyanovsk, a Soviet aircraft carrier serving as an armed cargo ship. "Wow! Good, good, good, good! I might not get close-ups of the Soviet Navy's fixed-wing aircraft, but...!" Then his prosthetic leg became numb, and Kensuke fell. "Ow! Stupid doctor-- 'We live in an era when Science is God,' of bullshit!" he repeated Maya's words to him after the operation. He saw a baseball cap tumbling on deck. "Eh?" The bespectacled boy sat up, facing Toji. "You're not going to dive for your new hat?"

"And get slapped-- twice-- for accidentally looking up Asuka's skirt?" the jock countered.

"The first was for the accident; the second was for intentionally and stupidly flashing her," Shinji referred to Episode Eight.

Toji's fist clenched and then loosened. "Hey, if you can grow the spine you ain't supposed to have, I can grow the brain I ain't supposed to..."

"Yaaaa!"

A replica of musician Paul McCartney's guitar-- Rickenbacker Model 4001C64-- hammered the back of Toji's head, launching him forwards. "Ahhhh!"

A pink-haired, golden-eyed girl raised the guitar, preparing to hammer the jock's forehead. "And...!" Bang! She nearly dropped her guitar when a hollow-point bullet flattened itself upon the instrument.

Smoke rose from the HK45 muzzle. "Touch my friend again and I'll lobotomize you," Shinji coldly said.

"Okay." The girl put the baseball cap on Toji's head, covering the growing lump. "Here's your hat."

Misato frowned when she recognized the girl. "Haruhara Haruko? What are you doing here? And where the hell is Asuka?"

"I'm Officer First Class Haruko Haruhayeva Raharuva, Galactic Police Force, attached to Soviet Naval Aviation with the effective rank of senior lieutenant." The girl grabbed and shook Misato's hand. "I'm here because Asuka Langley-Soryu's in a mental hospital right now."

"But you're not one of the Children! You're not even in a 'FLCL' story!" Misato referred to an animated series starring Haruko.

"I'm a space alien with superhuman powers! Piloting an Evangelion is child's play!" the girl exclaimed.

"But...!"

A man with extremely thick eyebrows appeared. "Major Misato Katsuragi?" he greeted, following a naval custom of temporarily promoting captains from other services. "I am Commander Amarao Amaraovich Amarao," he began, using the US Navy equivalent of his rank, captain first rank. The woman clawed at Amarao's forehead. "Ow!" He looked up. "Noooo! My eyebrows!"

Misato crumbled Amarao's fake eyebrows-- two strips of dried seaweed. "This is a 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story! Get the hell out...!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Toji, his arms flailing, drew everyone's attention as the lump grew into a monolith; then the jock lost his balance and fell on his face. "Ow! What the hell...?" The monolith split lengthwise to reveal a mouthful of sharp teeth. "Jaws?!" With that, Gaghiel, Angel of Fish, burst out a wormhole-- the NO channel-- in Toji's head.

"Chaaaance!" Haruko jumped, changed into her plug suit-- an Eva pilot's uniform-- in midair, and landed in the entry plug.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 4

***

"You didn't say an Angel may attack here and now," Amarao whispered into his satellite communication unit.

"Unit 06 is there for this contingency, as is the reserve pilot," Gendo replied from Tokyo-3.

"But the reserve pilot is useless-- worse, powerless and in need of protection-- without a reserve Eva to pilot."

'Fuck!' "How dare you question me?! I am a genius-- a mastermind! My plan will work, and all will occur according to my schedule!" The bearded man took deep breaths to calm down. "In the worst-case scenario, you may-- must escape by yourself."

"I know."

*

Shinji and Kensuke, a shoulder under each of Toji's armpits, carried the jock to the helicopter preparing to takeoff.

"Um," a delirious Toji turned to see blurs instead of faces, "Shinji?" he asked the darker blur. "You ain't gonna... fight the Angel?"

"With what? Eviscerator Unit 01 is in Tokyo-3," Shinji deadpanned.

"You get... in the cockpit... with Haruko." The jock laughed. "I said cock!" He fell off his friends' shoulders, onto his back, when another monolith grew from his head. "Ow! What the hell...?" Unit 01 burst out the NO channel and then fell on its face.

"How convenient," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

*

The Ulyanovsk's bridge was in furor. "Target Alpha is accelerating-- approaching this ship from nine o'clock! Whoa!" Everyone reached for a handhold as the ship rocked. "What was...?"

Misato ran to a window. "How the hell...?" She watched the Eviscerator stand up and draw the M65 'handgun' from its holster. "Shinji-kun, draw your progressive knife!" she shouted into the radio.

"With all due respect, Ma'am, I'm not a kamikaze pilot," Shinji growled.

"What? But close quarters combat is the best way to defeat an Angel!"

"Not if I 'bring enough gun,'" the Eviscerator pilot repeated a big game hunter's mantra.

"Wait," Counter-Admiral Valery Mikhailovich Storozhevoy, captain of the Ulyanovsk, interrupted, "if Evangelion Unit 06 is using the adapter you brought, what's powering Unit 01?" Evangelions lacked integral power plants; the Tokyo-3 municipal power grid generally powered the Evas via an umbilical cord. The Mi-55D brought one adapter, allowing the Ulyanovsk's nuclear reactor to power one Eva; the helicopter was unable to carry a spare.

"Shit!" Misato reached and fell forwards, burying the naval officer's head under her breasts. "Ow!"

"Big boobies, me like," a dazed Storozhevoy breathed, the mammary glands' sweet scent acting like chloroform.

The tactician grabbed the radio handset out of the naval officer's hands. "Shinji-kun...?"

The Eviscerator pilot answered, "Four minutes and 28 seconds," of power available from Unit 01's integral battery. "Plenty of time to kill."

Unit 06 drew a straight razor, unfolded the blade, and activated a motor in the grip. "Ready or not," Gaghiel jumped out the water, "here I come," the shark-like Angel arced towards the Ulyanovsk, "and get it!" The burning white blade met the corner of Gaghiel's mouth. The Angel split lengthwise, spilling intestines so thick, a truck could drive from stomach to rectum.

"Move!" The Eviscerator dived between Unit 06 and the Angel; the pistol kissed Gaghiel's now exposed S² organ; then Shinji squeezed the trigger, sent a 250-kilogram high explosive shell into the organ, and shattered it.

***

"I didn't expect you to hog all the glory," Toji commented as Soviet seamen washed Gaghiel's blood off the flight deck.

"I did what I did to neutralize a threat and save lives, not to hog the glory." Shinji finished a can of Whoopass Cola.

"Yaaaa!" Click! Haruko found herself staring at a pistol muzzle; her guitar stopped a centimeter from Shinji's forehead. "I thought a gentleman would never raise arms against a lady."

"I don't want to hit a girl, but if you attack me, then you're an enemy, and the kid gloves are off," Shinji coldly stated.

"Fair enough." The pink-haired girl slung the guitar across her back. "Do you play baseball?"

*

Amarao entered the office and approached Gendo's desk. "I hope this was worth the trouble it caused." The Soviet officer opened the suitcase to reveal an embryo encased in Bakelite.

The bearded man confidently smiled-- tried to look confident, but he had a child molester's predatory smile. "No cost is too great for Adam, the first human being, core component of the Human Instrumentality Project."

"What now?"

"You do not need to know," Gendo coldly answered.

"I do if you intend to piss off the author. The things he does to characters in his stories..." Amarao shuddered.

The bearded man stood up and slammed a fist against the marble desk. "I recognize no god but Man Himself." 'Don't let him know your pain-- your weaknesses.' Gendo waited for the Soviet officer to leave; then he screamed, "Ah! My hand! Ooh!"

***

N00B GUTS AND GLORY EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas Bush.

***

'I look like a fucking Sikh,' Toji stared at his reflection in the window his bandaged head rested on. "Shinji, you grew up in another country. Can you tell me how to handle women like that pink-haired...?"

"Lieutenant Raharuva is a loony Russian who claims to be a space alien. I'm a US citizen-- American-- who's yet to visit Russia, a psychiatric hospital, or outer space. How would I know how to handle her?" the pilot countered.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm." A mummified Kensuke meant to tell the jock, 'Consider yourself lucky; at least you don't have Comrade Crazy as a coworker,' but the bandages prevented jaw movement.

Vroom! "What the hell...?" Boom, clatter, clatter! An olive drab Vespa 180 scooter crashed through the door, launching wooden panels across the classroom. "Shit!" "Ahhhh!" The students ducked, covering their heads as the scooter skidded sideways.

Kensuke noticed the rider straddled a weapon whose muzzle-- now pointing at the students-- extended through a cutout in the scooter's leg shields. 'A Vespa 150 TAP?' operated by the Troupes aéroportées-- French airborne forces. 'No, that's a KPV!' he identified the heavy machine gun mounted under the seat.

The rider parked her scooter behind the teacher's desk, removed her helmet and goggles, and waved. "Hi! I'm your new teacher, Officer First Class Senior Lieutenant Haruko Haruhayeva Raharuva! Just call me Comrade Haruko!"

"Shit!" "Mmm!" "Suzuhara-kun, Aida-kun, please refrain from using profanity. You're embarrassing the class before our new teacher." "Oh shit!" "Suzuhara-kun, you have detention for... Oh my God!"

"Oh hell," Shinji growled as a hole appeared in the floor collapsed under Toji and the monolith's combined weight, even as the growth burst through the ceiling.

*

"How the hell did it sneak up on us?" Makoto wondered aloud.

"It probably emerged from an NO channel." Misato's fist clenched. "If the Children become casualties due to Raharuva's actions..."

A satellite image of the New Tokyo-3 First Junior High School-- children fleeing from a burning building, smoke rising from the hole in its roof, an unidentified flying object rocketing away from school-- appeared onscreen. "Why can't we detect its wavelength pattern?" Maya referred to energy an AT field generated. "Why does it look like a Gundamn?" Makoto referred to robots from another TV series.

"This is the XR-79 Gunboy, from 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy'," a boyish voice radioed. "The United Earth's..." Wham! "Ow!"

"Shut up, Anne-Marie," Shinji radioed.

"My name is Amano! Amano Rei!" the new boy shouted.

"Oh, the 'Bad Anime' parody of a Gundamn pilot!" Haruko added.

"Um, which Gundamn pilot is he the parody of?" Hikari wondered.

"I don't know; the studio keeps plagiarizing its own work in the 'Gundamn' sequels."

"Ah! Will you get that fucking guitar out of...? Ow! Class President!" Toji protested.

"Watch your language when you're speaking to a teacher, Suzuhara-kun!" Hikari scolded.

The Command Center personnel collectively frowned. "The Gundamn cockpit is big enough-- barely-- for all five of you?" Misato rhetorically questioned.

"Mmm!" 'Seven!' Kensuke meant to say.

Shinji began, "Anne-Marie..."

"Amano!" Wham! "Ow!"

"His robot emerged from the wormhole in Toji's head; then he started shooting and screaming for his boyfriend."

"Charles Assyria is not my boyfriend! He..." Wham! "Ow!"

"Is it necessary for you to continue joking about others' gender preferences?" Rei asked the Eviscerator pilot. "If you intend to prove you are heterosexual..."

"Leave them be; Anne-Marie," 'the punk ass bitch,' Toji thought to avoid the class president's ire, "deserves it."

"Comrade Haruko put a FRAG-12 in the robot's eye," Shinji referred to grenades launched from a 12 gauge shotgun. "After searching for survivors, she dismissed the class, so Anne-Marie's giving us a ride home."

"Ma'am, the JMSDF reports the sighting of a gigantic underwater object, off the Kii Peninsula," Shigeru referred to the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force. "They're forwarding data to us now."

"Analysis confirms a blue pattern-- an Angel," Makoto added.

Misato sighed. "Shinji-kun..."

Another sigh. "I know, I know."

*

The head-- curiously resembling the yin-yang symbol-- rose from the sea. Then Israfel, Angel of Music, waded towards the shore.

"Remember the," Misato watched Unit 06 charge, swing a 'chainsword'-- a chainsaw blade attached to a sword hilt-- and cut Israfel in half, "plan," of hers, which the Eva pilots regularly discarded. "I need a new job."

"What the hell...?" Makoto exclaimed as each half grew an arm and a leg; Israfel was now two separate entities.

"Cool!" Unit 06 somersaulted backwards, dodged an Angel's claws, and landed beside Unit 01.

Shinji radioed, "Command One, this is Unit 01. Request permission to use Whiskey Niner-Niner."

A voice replied, "Unit 01, this is Command One. Permission granted."

Misato turned to the black man now standing in the Command Center. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Lt. Gen. Abraham Black stated, "The M65 gun and the W99 shells are US government property, so Pilot Ikari needs authorization from an O7 or above to use tactical nuclear weapons," he referred to a brigadier general's pay grade.

The tactician's eyes widened. "Did you say...?" Boom! She turned to the mushroom cloud onscreen. "Shinji-kun, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Neutralizing a threat," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

"How could I be so foolish?!" Maya put a hand on her forehead. "He meant 'Atomic Cannon,' not 'Automatic Cannon!'"

"B-b-but a nuclear weapon-- an evil weapon-- how could you?!" Misato continued.

"A weapon is a tool, neither good nor evil. Reserve judgment for those using the weapon-- human beings, not mindless tools and instruments," Shinji countered.

Toji leaned against a wall, behind the tactician. "Did Shinji finish off the Angels?"

The brunette's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Targets-- let's call them Alpha and Bravo-- have lost approximately 30 percent of their body mass."

"The Third Children merely halted its-- their advance towards NERV Headquarters," Kozo stated. "It's only a matter of time before the Angel-- Angels resume their attack."

"That's why the M65 has a ten-round magazine," the black man added.

Kozo paled as he turned to the US Army officer. "What?!" Boom! The Command Center personnel collectively winced at the second mushroom cloud.

"Is it dead yet?" Shinji asked.

Maya began, "Targets Alpha and Bravo have..."

The Angel's halves each raised a sign, one reading, "WE QUIT", the second, "I QUIT".

"Surrendered," the brunette finished the two halves to form a single entity. Then the Angel, no longer willing to fight after it lost 75% of its original mass, turned and limped away from Tokyo-3.

***

To be continued.

Author's notes are below.

***

"Haruha Harueva Raharu" was the initial Russification of Haruko's name. I changed it to avoid the questions "Who the hell is Haruha? Why is she acting like the girl from 'FLCL'?"

[Sidewinder]

An unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV) flew over the battlefield and transmitted the images to the Command Center.

Misato frowned as rainwater filled two conjoined craters onscreen. "I can't believe you created a Third Ashinoko Lake." The original filled a volcano near Tokyo-3; the 'Second Ashinoko Lake' was her nickname for two conjoined craters formed during Sachiel's attack.

Kozo sighed. "We need to update the map... again."

"Be cool, Ma'am," Shinji put a can of cola before the tactician, "Sir," he put a can before the subcommander. "The W99 was dialed to the minimum yield necessary to kill the Angel-- ten kilotons, not 100." Modern nuclear weapons had variable yield options. "If Unit 06 used 9K79 theater ballistic missiles, I doubt the Soviets would dial down the yield."

"You slander us," Amarao retorted as he entered the Command Center. "The Soviets will not use these missiles unless the situation is most dire. We recognize nuclear weapons as terror weapons. We were forced to develop them to defend ourselves and save human civilization from the American war profiteers who'd otherwise devour the planet in their greed-- their appetite for destruction."

"Chill," Haruko threw a can of cola, "Comrade Amarao," the can bounced in the Soviet officer's hands as he tried to catch it; then it burst, covering the Soviet officer with sugary foam. "I'm a space alien who's handled planet-killers as a Galactic Police officer; your party poppers don't scare me at all."

The foam pillar shook with anger. "You will address me as Comrade... burp!"

"Okay, Comrade Burp."

"Commander! Comrade Commander!"

"Okay, Commander Burp." The pink-haired girl grabbed an impassive Shinji's left hand. "To the range! You got to see my PKT and my KS-K!" machine gun-- an adaptation of an armored fighting vehicle's coaxial weapon-- and shotgun. Then the Eva pilots were gone.

"Here." Kozo handed the Soviet officer a handkerchief. "We must calmly and bravely accept the fact we are impotent in the face of such lunacy," the subcommander said as Amarao wiped cola off his face.

Misato began, "But Sir, the Children...!"

"Have no reservations towards nuclear weapons and their use," the subcommander finished. "If they believe we have shown them disrespect, we may-- will pay for their recklessness."

Misato paled; Amarao, accustomed to the threat of WMD, merely raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Yes, Sir." "Very well, Comrade Fuyutsuki."

*

Range control-- a Section 2 officer injured during a training exercise, and currently assigned light duty-- raised a bullhorn to his lips. "Range is hot, I say again, range is hot. Shooters, scan your lane."

Shinji braced the Rickenbacker Model 4001C64 upon his shoulder, reached for trigger and selector switches in the cutaway, and focused on a red dot the guitar's laser sight projected; then he lowered the guitar and frowned. "I look ridiculous."

Haruko patted the Eviscerator pilot's back. "You look like a heavy metal musician on a killing spree-- badass! Now," she pointed at the target, "let's see what you can do."

Shinji again held the guitar like a rifle. Rat-at-at-at-at! A jagged hole appeared on the target before the first of five spent casings hit the floor.

"Awesome!" Kensuke exclaimed.

"Great shooting!" the pink-haired girl exclaimed. "Now fire the shotgun!"

Shinji thumbed a switch to fire the shotgun, frowned, and then thumbed the safety. "It's not loaded with FRAG-12s, is it?"

"Why? Are you," Haruko mischievously smiled, "scared?"

"Of being thoroughly perforated because I stupidly setoff a grenade at this range? Damn right I am," a suspicious Shinji replied.

"Fine, fine." The pink-haired girl turned to the other pilots in the range. "Comrade Ayanami! Want to be badass and disintegrate something with a FRAG-12?"

A surprised albino blinked. "I admit I am curious, but I share Pilot Ikari's concerns regarding explosives."

"Just use your AT field!" Haruko added.

"Her," Kensuke's eyes widened, "what?!"

Rei frowned. "I do not project an AT field until Episode 24. This scene is occurring between Episodes Nine and Ten. You are spoiling the TV series for other viewers."

"The last episode was broadcast 20 years ago! The spoiler is past its statute of limitations, right?" the pink-haired girl countered.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," the bespectacled boy interrupted. "Rei is half-Angel? Why didn't you tell me that, Shinji?"

"I'm not supposed to learn of this until Episode 23, after your family leaves Tokyo-3 for safe haven elsewhere," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

"Is there anything else I should learn?"

Boom! "Yeah! Show the paper target who's his daddy!"

Kensuke winced; Haruko's maniacal laughing shook him more than the explosion. "Elsewhere?"

"You can start with Wikipedia."

The bespectacled boy turned to see Shinji disappear behind the door. "Wait for me!" He ran out of the room, after the Eviscerator pilot.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 5

***

Gendo frowned at the text onscreen-- Sidewinder's 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' fan fiction. "The Eva became like the sun, burning away the Bakelite, the Eva cage, and the city of New Tokyo-3." Click. "Anna slashed between the Toons, severing Gendo's nose and arms." Click. "Ikari Gendo also phased out of existence." Click. "The bearded man covered his groin, only for his unprotected face to become the target; he quickly lost his nose, ears, and lips. Rei's sisters were in a feeding frenzy, their teeth and nails tearing off pieces of Gendo's flesh; the bearded man welcomed the chilling darkness that embraced him as he bled to death."

The bearded man, too angry to continue reading, closed the webpages. 'Something must be done about the author.' "Your assessment, Ensign Amano?"

"The XR-79 is designed to deliver nuclear weapons. Give me his address, and I'll..." Amano Rei's aggressive side began. "No! Nuclear weapons are terror weapons! Their use is an act of terrorism!" his pacifist side interrupted. "Sidewinder must be punished for...!" "I hate fighting! I didn't want to be a soldier in the first place!" "If that's true, why bother stepping into the Gunboy cockpit? Why not wait for Charles Assyria to stand trial for war crimes?" "Charles...!"

Gendo frowned as the 15-year-old began arguing with himself. "The author is going too far."

There was a lull in the battle as Amano sighed. "I wish. The studio passed its schizophrenia to its creations, preventing a Gundamn pilot from following the pacifist ideals it claims to promote." Slap! "Ow! What was that for?!" "Stop sprouting peacenik bullshit and admit you like-- you love piloting the giant robot! You enjoy playing God, deciding who lives and who dies on the battlefield!" "No!" Slap! "Ow! You bastard!" Wham! "Argh! You," wham! "Ow!" "Hypocrite! Admit it; you wanted to hit me as badly as I wanted to hit you!" The Gunboy pilot grabbed the back of his own head and repeatedly slammed it against the desk.

Gendo echoed the sigh. 'Damn. This pair must be dry cleaned,' he thought of his white gloves, stained red when Amano knocked himself unconscious.

*

Kensuke's eyes burned with lust as he stared at the bulge under Shinji's coat-- the HK45 in its waterproof holster. "So Shinji, when will I get my DFG?"

The Eviscerator pilot's eyes rose from an issue of Field & Stream. "This is not a 'Doom' crossover." He thought his friend referred to the Big Fucking Gun (BFG) from id Software's games.

"That's a Delta Force Gun-- DFG-- Heckler & Koch HK45 Tactical, official sidearm of the 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta. Is it NERV issue?"

"Hell no. If Major Katsuragi had her way, I'd never be issued a 'deadly weapon.'"

"Wait, what?!"

"She doesn't consider the Eviscerator a deadly weapon because it wasn't designed to kill human beings." Shinji shrugged at the bespectacled boy's confusion. "I know that's bullshit, but that's the UN for you."

"But you got a license to kill?" Toji added.

"I have the right to defend myself, if that's what you mean," the Eviscerator pilot stated.

"Can you get me one? And a gun so I can...?"

"Suzuhara-kun!" Hikari interrupted. "Surely you don't mean to shoot a schoolteacher?"

"Look!" The jock pointed at his bandages. "She treats me-- beats me like a walking baseball! You said if a guy threw the first punch, the guy getting punched could kill or cripple him in self-defense, right?"

"But...!" Hikari's eyes widened as the bandages were unraveled, draping Toji's shoulders as five fingers extended from his head. "Oh my God!"

"Oh shit!" The jock's arms flailed as the fingers' weight tipped over his chair. "Ow! Hey, stop that!" he protested as the crawling fingers dragged him along the floor. "Are you trying to burn a bald spot into the back of my head?!"

"Suzuhara-kun!" Hikari ran forwards and grabbed the jock's feet. "Let him go!"

Kensuke sighed, tired of seeing giant monsters and robots emerge from his friend's head. "The author is going too far-- beyond beating a dead horse, to digging up its skeleton and fucking the now empty eye sockets."

Shinji drew the weapon as a hand, arm, and shoulder followed the fingers through the NO channel. "Writers do this when they have writer's block," he deadpanned as Sandalphon, Angel of Newborns, crawled out of Toji's head.

***

N00B GROUND ZERO EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax.

***

Gendo frowned as he looked out the window. He'd nothing else to do-- nothing else he could do, as Sandalphon burned a hole in the floor, leaving a concrete triangle for the bearded man to stand on. He took off his jacket to cover his head, but the fabric was absorbing water from the fire sprinklers-- those still functional after the Eviscerator dived through the roof to reach the Angel-- and he was freezing. If the bearded man's determination was marginally weaker, he'd shiver, making his subordinates think he feared falling to his death.

"Commander!" Misato called from the hallway across the yawning abyss that was Gendo's office. "The SAR birds will arrive in a few minutes!" she referred to search-and-rescue helicopters. "Please be patient!"

'As if I have a choice, you stupid bitch,' Gendo thought.

"We'll save you!" Then the tactician was gone.

Gendo glanced at his watch. 'The Third Children's foolishness delayed efforts to reverse-engineer the S² organ and retrofit the Evas with it, for months." NERV was supposed to salvage Shamshel's S² organ in Episode Five, but Shinji, citing the Geneva Conventions, refused to kill the Angel after it surrendered; NERV didn't acquire an S² organ until the Ulyanovsk delivered Gaghiel's corpse to Tokyo-3. 'I will punish,' Gendo remembered his brother-in-law gave his son a gun, 'lecture him on how it feels to stand before the abyss, cold and wet, paralyzed by fear of falling to one's death.' Units 01 and 06's batteries died shortly after Sandalphon's defeat, preventing Shinji and Haruko from rescuing the bearded man.

A hand closed upon Gendo's ankle. "What the hell?!"

"Give me a hand!" Amano pleaded. "And get me to the Gunboy! That Zackary pilot must pay for what he did!" he mistook the Eviscerator for a model his archenemy piloted. "How can you say that? For all I know, he was conscripted-- forced to pilot that war machine, as I was." "For all I know, he enjoys piloting that war machine to sow death and reap destruction, as I do!"

Gendo began, "Stop...!"

"I," the Gunboy pilot grabbed the back of his own head and slammed it against the concrete triangle, "do," wham, "not!" bam! The now unconscious Amano fell, pulling the bearded man with him.

"Ahhhh!" Boom, crash, crack, splatter! Gendo's fingers wiggled, proof he wasn't a quadriplegic; his toes wiggled, proof he wasn't a paraplegic. Red bubbles, formed as Amano-- who cushioned Gendo's fall, saving the bearded man's life-- struggled to breath through crushed lungs, popped beside his head. "The author," Gendo tried to raise a fist for dramatic effect-- and failed, thanks to his injuries, "will pay."

The SAR helicopter's rotors beat a tattoo as it appeared overhead, drowning out the paramedic's "Oops," when an unsecured stretcher fell out the passenger compartment.

Wham, clatter, clatter! "Ahhhh!" Gendo turned to his side, curled into the fetal position as he clutched his stomach. "That hurt, you sadistic son-of-a-bitch!"

The pilots, crew chief, and paramedic exchanged looks. "Let's give the Commander a few minutes to cool down." "Yeah. Rescue him now, and the bastard will probably dump his frustration towards the author on us." "Fine us, fire us, revoke our licenses, ruin our careers and our futures because the author's beyond his reach, and we're not." "Okay. Radio HQ and tell them turbulence prevents us from attempting rescue at this time."

"I'll have your head on a silver platter for this!" words so full of anger and hatred, they were audible over the helicopter engines and rotors.

"Yeah, it's too risky." With that, the helicopter moved out of sight and then out of earshot.

"Damn you, Sidewinder! Damn you to helllll!"

*

Misato felt tension flow from Shinji like electricity, making everyone's hair stand on end. "Are you okay, Shinji-kun?"

"I feel naked without my survival gun," the Eviscerator pilot patted his holster, empty because firearms weren't allowed in a hospital. "The hero is attacked in a hospital in four or five of the author's stories. I hope..."

"You will not die; I will protect you," Rei repeated words she said before they faced Ramiel in Episode Six.

"I'm a man, you're a woman, so I'm supposed to protect you," Shinji stated.

"Who's supposed to protect you from... oh... cancer caused by radiation and radioactive fallout, Mister Megaton?" the tactician growled.

"I'm not that damn reckless," Shinji protested. "I got permission from a three-star general before I squeezed the trigger, right?" he referred to Lt. Gen. Black's rank insignia.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but," Misato put her hands on the Eviscerator pilot's shoulders, making him meet her eyes, "Shinji-kun, next time you're tempted to end conflict with a nuclear weapon, please run away instead."

"Run and spare the UN the cost of buying a new Eviscerator, and training a new pilot, when the Security Council decides to nuke the next Angel?" Shinji deadpanned. "Yes, Ma'am." The Eviscerator pilot left behind a sputtering Misato as he neared the recovery room. "Good afternoon, Father. How do you feel?"

"Third Children, I," Gendo remembered this Shinji was as useful-- and dangerous-- as an armed grenade, "advise you to heed this warning. The author plans to kill you; you must kill him to save yourself." Shinji frowned in disbelief. "I have proof!" the bearded man added, turning his laptop computer so Shinji could read the text onscreen.

The Eviscerator pilot's expression didn't change. "Who's Yamato Shiro?"

'Fuck!' "You're reading the wrong story." The laptop made a full revolution as Gendo closed a webpage.

Misato leaned forwards-- Gendo and Kensuke's widening eyes almost popped the lens from their eyeglasses as they respectively got a view down the woman's shirt and up her skirt-- to read, "Shinji cried, 'Mother!' as antimatter flowed from the rifle and reacted with Unit 00's blood, consuming the Eva in an earthshaking explosion." Click. "Zap! 'Shinji-kun!' He caught his boyfriend as Shinji fell towards the floor, paralyzed by a stun beam." Click. "The 15-year-old Shinji from 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', forgotten as fans embraced 'Evangelion Wars', turned on the loudspeaker. 'Misato-san, look at me!' He drew the Eva's progressive knife. 'Look at how hard I'm fighting, even though I don't want to! I--!' A 280 mm shell pierced the Eva's helmet before exploding, beheading the Eva and showering the audience with red paint."

Misato stood tall again; this sent Kensuke onto the floor, and transformed Gendo into a giraffe. "You don't mean to send Shinji-kun against that psychotic son-of-a-bitch author, do you?"

"One must die so the other may live," Gendo coldly stated.

"No, one must be a badass so the other won't consider him a liability and replace him with an honest-to-God badass," Shinji corrected.

"How dare you...?"

"I'm a gun in the author's hand. His ideas are all fucked up, but they're the ammo in my magazine; that's how. Now," the Eviscerator pilot put a bouquet of yellow carnations beside his father's bed, "let's bond as father and son. Is there anything I can do-- without involving Mister Sidewinder, which is begging for trouble? Get you an issue of Field & Stream or other magazines to pass the time? Some favorite food you can't get from the hospital canteen?"

"Rei-- First Children-- I wish to speak to you in private." Gendo glanced at the tactician. "We will be discussing classified information."

The albino turned to Shinji. "Ikari-kun..."

"I know, I know." The Eviscerator pilot turned around. 'Uncle Takeshi is right,' he bitterly thought as he exited the room, followed by Misato and Kensuke.

***

To be continued.

Author's notes are below.

***

I revised the dialogue twice, once because I changed Shinji's sidearm:

[Start]

Kensuke's eyes burned with lust as he stared at the bulge under Shinji's coat-- the Hardballer in its waterproof holster. "So Shinji, when will I get my Terminator Gun?"

The Eviscerator pilot's eyes rose from an issue of Field & Stream. "Terminator Gun?"

"An AMT Hardballer Long Slide with a laser sight..."

"Reflex sight," Shinji corrected.

"What Arnold Schwarzenegger wielded in 'The Terminator'," the bespectacled boy referred to a 1984 film. "Is it NERV issue?"

[End]

And because Chapter 3 was written after this one:

[Start]

"I'm a man, you're a woman, so I'm supposed to protect you," Shinji stated.

The tactician's eyes rolled. "Typical."

"How did you defeat the Angel of Thunder? The author failed to include that scene," Kensuke added.

Misato and Rei turned to the bespectacled boy, a hint of fear in the albino's eyes-- the emotion overflowed from the tactician's-- and as they simultaneously said, "Don't ask."

"Why?"

"Shinji-kun detonated two nuclear weapons to defeat a relatively weak Angel of Music. Do you really want to know how many nukes he'll use to defeat such a powerful Angel?" Misato explained.

'Yes,' Kensuke didn't say.

"I'm not that damn reckless," Shinji protested. "I waited until the people were safely in their designated shelters before I asked permission to use nukes, right?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but," the tactician put a hand on Shinji's shoulder, making the Eviscerator pilot meet her eyes, "Shinji-kun, next time you're tempted to end conflict with a nuclear weapon, please run away instead."

[End]

[Sidewinder]

Sahaquiel, Angel of the Skies, launched another piece of itself. The pound of Angel flesh became white-hot as it entered Earth's atmosphere; gravity accelerated the 'submunition' as it approached the target like... "Like Achilles, hubris has blinded the humans to their greatest weakness," Sahaquiel telepathically declared. "Let my flesh be Paris' arrow, and..."

"'Neon Genesis Evangelion' draws heavily from Judeo-Christian beliefs!" Iruel, Angel of Fear, admonished. "If you wish to be poetic, use biblical metaphors, like David and Goliath!"

"Silence! This is my time to shine! Besides, the TV series also draws heavily from psychobabble like the Oedipus and Electra complexes, which Sigmund Freud named for characters in Greek mythology! I...!"

"Howllll!"

Both Angels paused when they sensed a stranger's pain. Sahaquiel began, "Who...?"

"You fool! You just attacked California! The target is in Japan, all the way across the Pacific Ocean!" Iruel interrupted.

"That was intentional, bitch! The humans--" "We're supposed to call them 'Lilim,' children of Lilith, for we're the legitimate heirs of Adam, the First Angel-- we're the true humans, not those Goddamn monkeys!" "Wait; as Angels, we're the children of God, who created us from light and fire. How the hell did we become the children of a Goddamn speck of dust?"

Silence returned; then both Angels screamed, "Goddamn Anno Hideaki fucked up the Goddamn mythology!" a reference to the TV series' director.

"Why did you attack California, anyways?" the Angel of Fear asked its brother.

"I made a deal with Ikari Gendo, Adam's captor, to assassinate the author of this story," the Angel of the Skies replied. "In exchange, he..." Then a 23-meter-tall minaret pierced Sahaquiel's cyclopean eye. "Ahhhh!" it screamed-- telepathically voiced its pain, as sound waves couldn't propagate in the vacuum of space.

If Iruel had eyes, they would've widened-- ballooned to float out the sockets-- when the improvised javelin continued flying until Sahaquiel was impaled upon the moon.

"That hurt, you son-of-a-bitch!" Evangelion Unit 03's pilot cursed. The steel-gray fighting machine was a terrifying sight-- standing beside the trench it dug when the submunition sent it crashing into the ground, tearing off the left wing and grinding the radar-absorbing material from that side. Construction workers fled in all directions, some praying for salvation as Unit 03 tore another spire from the mosque they were renovating.

"Run away! Run away!" the Angel of Fear chanted as its brother became a meat cushion for concrete pins.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 6

***

Kozo looked out the window to see ice pillars rising from blood-red waters. "There was life here; penguins, whales, seals, and fish to feed them and each other." He sighed. "Now it's a lifeless realm-- Hell-- forsaken by God and man alike."

"Nonetheless, we humans stand here as living beings," Gendo added as the Ulyanovsk-- bearing an 100-meter-long alien artifact known as the 'Lance of Longinus' on its flight deck-- sailed away from the South Pole.

"Because the power of science protects us."

"Science is the power that makes us gods."

The subcommander began, "Such hubris destroyed the world as we knew it. Even if this was the punishment we deserved, it should not be shared with the 3,000,000,000 people who in the Second Impact's aftermath. This... facsimile of the Dead Sea..."

"Is a purified realm, cleansed of the Original Sin," the bearded man finished for Kozo.

"I prefer a world where people can live, no matter..."

"Enough!" Adm. Storozhevoy interrupted. "You Japanese are as bad as the Americans-- no, worse! At least their nonsensical philosophy is not an America-only movement, as the bourgeoisie demonstrate around the fucking world."

The suffocating tension was relieved when a radio operator reported, "Incoming transmission-- whoa! The Americans killed the Tenth Angel by pinning it to the moon? With a minaret?!"

"Soviet pilots are superior to those video game addicts!" Storozhevoy claimed. "A Soviet fighting machine will nail the enemy to the planet Mars-- with the entire mosque as its hammer!"

Gendo leaned over the communication console. "Evangelion Unit 03 is NERV property; we were responsible for its research and development..."

"Using Soviet money!" the naval officer interrupted. "Well, 40 fucking percent of it. The Americans contributed another 40, the Chinese ten, the European Union-- French parasites taking credit for English and German workers' accomplishments-- another ten," he referred to several UN Security Council members. "Don't give me bullshit about NERV authority, I know the funds were released on the condition the fighting machines stand ready to defend our nations; NERV is merely leasing them. Which branch of service does the American pilot report to?"

The bearded man's fists clenched and then loosened. 'If this was the NERV HQ Command Center, you wouldn't dare speak those words, cocksucker.' "Is Unit 01's pilot there?"

The radio operator was confused. "In America?"

"Get me NERV Headquarters." Gendo waited as the Soviets changed frequency.

A female voice replied, "Commander."

"Well done, Rei."

Silence; then, "Thank you, but... what is the compliment for, Sir?"

"General Order Number One: 'I will guard everything within the limits of my post, and quit my post only when properly relieved.' You obeyed this order; I'm complimenting your ethics." 'I'd rather commit seppuku than reward my son's outright disobedience.' "Now I wish to speak to Major Katsuragi."

"Yes, Sir."

"Major," Gendo said to the recently promoted tactician, "you have my permission to deal with the remaining issues," 'as if you're smart enough to follow orders other than "suck my cock" and "spread your legs," you Goddamn whore.'

"Yes, Sir," Misato replied.

*

17 coffins radiated from the center of the South Pole-Aitken Basin, the moon's largest crater, forming a sunburst. One of the coffins opened to reveal a figure too beautiful to call 'human,' despite the form it adopted. This figure-- Tabris, Angel of Free Will-- sat up and faced the open coffins to its left. "Sachiel?" it called to its brother. "Why are you here?"

"It barely escaped with its tail between its legs," a haughty voice answered from the right.

Tabris frowned in confusion as it turned to Armisael, Angel of the Womb. "Sachiel doesn't have a tail."

"I still have legs for a tail to fit between; I'm lucky that human didn't make me a gimp," Sachiel growled.

The most beautiful Angel began, "I thought...?"

"The AT field protects us from the humans' conventional weapons, not from so-called 'weapons of mass destruction'-- certainly not from volleys of the damn things."

"Don't blame the Lilim for your weaknesses." If Armisael was human, she'd upturn her nose like a true snob.

"Don't underestimate enemies you've yet to face in battle," Shamshel drew attention to itself-- and injuries yet to be healed. Tabris gasped at the stump where the squid-like Angel grew a tentacle to replace the one it lost, the cracks in Shamshel's armor, and the intestines visible through a hastily applied bandage.

"You expect me to overestimate an enemy so physically and spiritually weak?" Armisael's disdain dug furrows on her brother's helm as Shamshel expressed emotions like a human.

"Don't let her get to you; she'll apologize after she learns 'the hard way,'" the Angel of Water silenced Shamshel's rebuttal. Sachiel noticed Tabris staring at the moon dust covering the floors of several coffins-- its brothers' life support systems-- ironically suggesting the occupants were dead. "We're the lucky ones. Ramiel, Gaghiel, Sandalphon, Matariel, and Sahaquiel's opponents made them look... human."

"Cowards! How dare you speak of our fallen brothers with such disrespect?!" Armisael growled.

"Consider it a complement," a masculine voice added with a Scottish accent. The speaker's appearance-- a young man with dark hair and blue-gray eyes, wearing a business suit, sipping milk tea as he sat with an ankle over the opposite knee-- sowed chaos and confusion in the Angels' minds. "The name's Bond, Shiro Bond. I became Zeruel, Angel of Might, in 'Death Is Never the End'."

Armisael uncoiled, a serpent ready to strike. "How dare you take that name as your own?!" She lashed out, only for Sachiel to pull her back. "Unhand me!"

"Peace, Armisael! Sir Bond is a self-insert, the author's spokesperson-- his Metatron!" the Angel of Water referred to one known as the Voice of God. "To fight him is to court death, or worse!" Crack! Sachiel found his heads staring at each other from opposite sides of a split torso. "Not again!"

"Dieeee!" Armisael dealt-- would've dealt a deathblow, if not for Shiro's AT field.

"Such impulsiveness," the Scot deadpanned, finishing his tea as a free hand kept the serpentine Angel at bay. "I advise caution, lest you intake more than you can handle."

If Armisael had a mouth and a throat, she'd growl as the teeth grit against each other. "This... pale imitation of our spiritual luminance..."

Tabris ignored its sister as Armisael fought the human who claimed to be their brother. "Where is Iruel?"

"It fled," Shamshel answered as the squid-like Angel helped Sachiel pull itself together. "I don't blame it," the Angel of Water added. "The humans killed poor Sahaquiel before Iruel's eyes-- would do so if Iruel had eyes." "The mutilated body is on the opposite side of this satellite."

"The sacred and inviolable realm," Armisael slowly entered Shiro's AT field, "in which our souls may find sanctuary," the Angel became like an amoeba, extending a shapeless pseudopod to consume the Scot's hand, "will not..." The pseudopod burned as Shiro's immune system fought what it identified as an infection. "Shrieeeek!"

"So that's how the author plans to deal with Armisael's powers!" Sachiel commented as its sister recoiled from psychic flames that burned in the vacuum of space. "How cruel," Shamshel added. "Mister Sidewinder is an American gun nut. What do you expect?"

"Is your head cool?" Shiro rhetorically asked. "Then let us return to the business at hand. Mister Sidewinder wishes to introduce Mister Tabris earlier than scheduled."

The Angel of Free Will began, "What about...?"

"Heavens, no!" Leliel, Angel of the Night, interrupted. "My fate is bad enough in the TV series; I do not want to know what that sadistic son-of-a-bitch has planned."

"I'll pass," Bardiel, Angel of Haze, added. "Let others seize the glory-- and receive a brutal beating for their audacity."

"Arael?" Tabris frowned at the young man who sat on the coffin. "Who...?" The stranger's plug suit bore Israeli Air Force insignia. "No, I should've expected this-- you're a self-insert, right?"

"I wish," 1st Lt. Arael Barak, namesake of the Angel of Birds, answered.

"Good evening, Lieutenant Barak. Will you kindly join us for tea?" Shiro greeted.

"Before I leave, may I ask if I'm still alive at the end of this story?" a resigned Angel of Free Will asked.

"The matter is out of my hands. Biscuits?" the Scot offered a plate to his companions.

***

N00B GODDAMN EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas Bush and Alain Gravel.

***

The female albino sat on a steel girder-- once an apartment building's support, now mute testimony to the human race's destructive nature-- jutting like a pier over the 2nd Ashinoko Lake. Her brow twitched with thinly veiled anger as she hummed 'Ode to Joy', the Final Movement of Beethoven's 'Symphony Number 9'-- the albino was losing patience after two hours of humming.

"Pilot Ayanami?"

The albino, forcing herself to smile, stood and turned to the speaker. "A song is..." The smile vanished. "Where the hell is Shinji Ikari?!"

"He's in America," Kensuke answered. "Unit 03 was damaged during the Tenth Angel's attack; Shinji's on vacation while it's being repaired. Um, who are you?"

"Unit 03?" 'The one Bardiel was supposed to possess?' the albino thought of Episode 18. "If Shinji-kun is in America to pilot it, who's here to pilot Unit 01?"

"Pilot Ayanami is. Thanks to them, I became Unit 00's designated pilot. Uh, who are you again?"

"Argh!" The albino fell backwards, into the lake.

"Are you...?"

"Please; I need a few minutes by myself." The albino took deep breaths as she floated on her back. "I'm Kaoru... Kaoru Nagisa." A German citizen, her surname followed her given name. "I'm a chosen one, like you; as the Fifth Child, I'm... Argh! I don't know what I'm here for! Everything from 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' is FUBAR!" fucked up beyond all recognition.

The bespectacled boy's eyes widened as Kaoru's now wet shirt became translucent, outlining the albino's bra. "I thought you're a guy?"

Kaoru pointed up. "Herr Gravel wrote fan fiction in which I was the fourth side to a love triangle between Pilots Ayanami, Soryu, and a Shinji-kun who wasn't so anxious to love and be-- who am I kidding? Anno Hideaki just wanted to pander to yaoi fans. Herr Sidewinder asked Herr Gravel if he could portray me as the other did, so he could pander to yuri fans," fans of sexually explicit stories about lesbians. The 5th Child's eyes met Kensuke's eyes. "Don't even think about it."

"Damn," the bespectacled boy cursed.

*

"You actually saw her," Toji frowned at the script in his hands, "panties?"

Kensuke began, "I didn't mean to..." He mirrored Toji's frustration towards the script. "Why the hell am I saying Shinji's lines in Episode 26? Ah!" he cried when Haruko threw a marker like a kunai-- a ninja's Swiss Army knife-- transforming him into a unicorn.

"Because Comrade Ikari is in the US and unable to peek at the transfer student's panties!" the pink-haired girl shouted from the whiteboard.

Kaoru wore a girl's uniform, replacing the androgynous shirt and pants she had in her first appearance; a sky-blue ribbon tied her gray hair into a ponytail. "Please don't remind me," she breathed.

'I actually saw her bra; the author forgot to revise the Goddamn script,' the bespectacled boy noted.

"Now introduce yourself," Haruko ordered.

The 5th Child added a saccharine smile, hoping the class would overlook her twitching eyebrow. "I'm Kaoru Nagisa! Nice to meet you!"

Kensuke gave the script another frown. "Do I really have to say, 'Wow!' like a loser with more AVs than friends?"

Kaoru sighed. "I doubt anyone will give a damn."

***

Saying Ikari Gendo had mixed feelings as Unit 03 approached the runway-- arms and legs locked inline with the torso as landing gear extended from the shoulders and shins-- was like saying an artillery shell would cause some discomfort if it detonated between his legs. The letters "NERV" on the fighting machine's forearms and calves, the "USAF" and the service's star-and-bar insignia on the wings and shoulders, were symptoms of his emotional conflict. 'I must ensure the Eva remains under NERV's chain-of-command at all times. Fucking politicians shoved the fucking NPT up NERV's ass, denying us WMD not stamped "Made in the Goddamn USA,"' he thought of the controversy over Japan's development of N² weapons, which allegedly violated the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. 'Would North Korean weapons be compatible with the Eva's targeting systems?'

"Sir," Misato interrupted his thoughts, "General Slade, the US Air Force liaison, requests your signature on the following documents."

"Evangelion Unit 03 and its pilot are now under NERV's control, to be launched at NERV's command. I refuse to let that American pig usurp my authority," the bearded man growled.

"The documents are actually related to merchandising, profits from which the US Air Force claims it needs to fully develop the," the tactician frowned at the service's designation for Unit 03, "B-3 Stormbringer's capabilities."

"We do not have the time, money, or manpower to waste on capabilities the Eva will never need. Ack!" Gendo growled when the wind blew forth a sheet of paper, despite the fact he was indoors. The bearded man tore the note from his face. "'What makes you think electronic warfare capabilities are unneeded? The Angels aren't the only enemy you face,'" he read. "To hell with this!" The author's note became confetti in a fit of anger. "God Himself has no power over me! The author will no longer interfere with my plans!" With that, Gendo stomped out the control tower.

"I feel conflicted," Misato admitted to herself. "Should I side with that bastard of a commander-- not that the selfish, scheming little rat will reward my loyalty-- or that son-of-a-bitch author?"

"Wark!"

Misato's gaze fell upon Pen-Pen, her pet Hot Springs Penguin, whose clawed flipper held a sign reading "SIDE WITH THE AUTHOR-- LETTING US LIVE IS A BETTER REWARD THAN ANY THE OTHER SIDE CAN OFFER".

"And if the Commander decides to execute us for treason?"

"THE AUTHOR WILL SAVE US", Pen-Pen lowered the sign to add, "OR LET US DIE QUICK AND PAINLESSLY, UNLIKE COMMANDER GONADS-EXPLODING-NOISY-DEATH-ONSCREEN".

"Good point," the raven-haired beauty conceded.

***

To be continued.

[Sidewinder]

Note: I changed the Russification of Haruhara Haruko's name, from "Haruha Harueva Raharu" to "Haruko Haruhayeva Raharuva." I apologize for any confusion this causes.

[Sidewinder]

Kaoru approached her blue-haired counterpart. "You're Rei Ayanami, the First Child, right?" the 5th Child greeted in English. "We are very much alike."

"I am not a lesbian," Rei deadpanned.

The 5th Child's brow twitched. "What...?"

The 1st Children's mobile phone rang. "Excuse me, I must answer this call." Rei exited the classroom to answer the telephone.

Haruko approached her German coworker. "Comrade Gabriel, our Japanese-American friend returns today." She pronounced the name "Gay-bri-el," like an American; it was pronounced "Ga-bri-el" in most nations. "Can you help Comrade Shinji catch up with his classmates?"

"My name is not Gay-bri-el," Kaoru growled.

"Are you still the Angel of Free Will?" the pink-haired girl broke the 4th Wall with her counter. "The Hebrew term is 'bechirah chofshit'-- Tabris is a nonsensical bunch of letters."

Confusion replaced anger. "Hebrew...? Oomph!" The 5th Child nearly fell when Haruko pushed her; she recovered her balance to find a thick folder in her hands.

Rei returned. "Raharuva-sensei, my duties will prevent me from attending the next three days of class."

"Okay, Comrade Rei." The pink-haired girl turned to say, "Later, Comrade Gabriel," as she started the Vespa motor.

"Stop calling me Gay--" Kaoru shut her eyes as the scooter's wheels threw dust and sand at her. "Cough, cough, cough, cough!" Her eyes reopened to find Haruko gone. "I hate you, Herr Sidewinder."

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 7

***

Rei was lost, not geographically-- she bought a map the moment she arrived-- but psychologically. Sweat poured down her body as she carried a cello case on her back; the blue-haired albino was a violinist, but she needed a larger case to hide the Type 97 antitank rifle, an instrument with which she'd grant the commander vengeance.

She didn't know who to use the instrument on. Gendo ordered her to kill Sidewinder, but admitted he didn't know what the author looked like; he could only describe Sidewinder as an American soldier, gun nut, and enemy of Japan. Rei stepped out of the story to find herself on another planet; nine-out-of-ten people went about their business with handguns at their side, rifles or machine guns slung across their chest; and the question "Where is Sidewinder?" made computer consoles display a motorcycle-like vehicle resembling the AIM-9 air-to-air missile.

"Ayanami-kun?"

The 1st Children turned to the speaker. "Subcommander Fuyutsuki." She bowed. "I was unaware the Commander sent you on this mission."

Kozo raised an inquiring eyebrow. "What mission?"

Rei pointed at the Walther PPK holstered at the older man's side. "Are you not here to assassinate the author?"

Kozo laughed. "I'm not here to take a life-- certainly not my own." He leaned close to Rei, his false cheer gone, his sheer terror no longer hidden. "I advise you to abort your mission. Sidewinder-san is writing this story, not Anno Hideaki-san. Unlike Director Hope-Is-Dead-Ennui-Already-Killed-It, Mister Mutually Assured Destruction handles dissent the way a military dictatorship does: with such brutality, the executioner will seem a humanitarian when the 'enemy of the state' is finally killed."

Rei's head shook. "I cannot refuse the Commander's orders. It matters not if I must die to complete my mission; I can be replaced. Will you at least tell me where to find the author or his self-insert?"

The older man sighed. "You're in it." Sensing the girl's confusion, Kozo added, "In the 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos' stories, the self-insert is the Gung-Ho Republic, a police state occupying over 100 planets. Its government leaders have the army and navy-- main battle tanks, gunships, fighter-bombers, and battleships with warp drives to better police multiple star systems-- enforce their rule. You can be happy here, pretend you're happy and avoid criticizing the government, or have WMD scatter your atoms across a star system for your dissent."

Rei blinked; Kozo was among the few to know this meant the girl was stunned or even scared. "Failure is not an option. If I cannot complete the mission, I must die in the attempt."

"Or you can do what I'm doing: leave Tokyo-3 for safer haven elsewhere. I accepted a position as Japanese language teacher, so our descendents wouldn't lose their cultural heritage on this planet. You can teach tea ceremony-- just create your own," Kozo added before the girl admitted she didn't know how to perform a tea ceremony. "Gung-Ho culture is a confused mix of China, Germany, and America's-- the Chinese hero Guan Yu is worshipped as the German god Wotan-- no one will know the difference."

A wrinkle appeared between Rei's eyes-- she was angry, but few would know this. "I must desert, as you did?"

"I didn't desert-- I resigned, informed Ikari Gendo-kun of my decision, and submitted a letter of resignation. Knowing him, he probably dismissed me as irrelevant to his plans-- the reason he didn't tell you I quit-- or failed to pay attention when I told him so. Remember the Fifth Angel's attack, when the Commander didn't know his son was in Misawa?"

The wrinkle was gone. "Oh." Rei bowed again. "Goodbye, Subcommander Fuyutsuki." With that, she turned and walked away.

The older man suppressed a sign. 'Poor girl needs to "get a life" outside Project Eva.' "What will you do now?"

"I will return to Tokyo-3."

"And...?"

"I will await further orders."

"If your next order is impossible to perform, like assassinating a megalomaniacal writer whose monstrous ego dominates over 100 planets on multiple star systems?" Kozo released the sigh when silence answered the question. "Ayanami," he paused, "Rei-kun, why don't you stay for a day or two, and see the world outside of Tokyo-3? At least see it as Sidewinder-san sees it, so you can," 'avoid an agonizing death,' "survive what trials the author puts his characters through."

The blue-haired albino spent a minute analyzing her options-- time which seemed days to one uncertain which was the right choice, another certain that choosing otherwise would invite death and destruction. "Very well, Sub--"

"Just call me Fuyutsuki-sensei," the subcommander-turned-schoolteacher said.

"Very well, Fuyutsuki-sensei." Rei bowed.

*

Gendo stood before Evangelion Unit 01-- he restored the original name after Shinji became Unit 03's pilot, though toy manufacturers continued to market Unit 01 as an "Eviscerator"-- caressing the cable cutter. "Our enemies grow impatient with the knowledge the obstacles they represent will soon fall before us. When the final Angel appears, all our dreams will finally..." His mobile phone rang. "Fuck!" The bearded man raised the telephone to his ear. "Ikari," he growled.

"I apologize for the interruption, Commander," Rei began, "but I encountered unforeseen difficulties with the execution of Operation Kill Sidewinder. I require, at minimum, an additional week to gather information on the target."

"I cannot afford the time," Gendo answered. "The author advanced the schedule by," he lowered the phone, pressed a button to make its screen display a calendar, and raised the phone again, "an estimated four to six months. He must die now. Tell me what additional resources are required-- I will provide them so you may complete the operation."

"How typical of Ikari Gendo-kun, acting as if the world revolves around him; I sometimes suspect he is actually American," a masculine voice added.

The bearded man nearly dropped his phone. "Rei, is Subcommander Fuyutsuki there?"

"Yes, Commander," the blue-haired albino answered.

"I wish to speak to him." Gendo waited as Rei's phone was put in the older man's hands. "Subcommander Fuyutsuki, report."

"I resigned because Sidewinder-san is so megalomaniacal, his self-insert is a police state-- a Goddamn nation with a Goddamn army-- I know to challenge him is to die. Rei-kun may be your doll, but she is not a-- what do Americans call it, bullet sponge-- you can throw before the author's guns and hope that nut has no anti-armor munitions. Oh, you best reconcile with your son and apologize for abandoning him-- bribe Shinji-kun with a sports car if you must-- before it's too late."

Gendo's grip tightened, as if trying to strangle the phone casing. "Rei--" Fuyutsuki hung up before the other could order his execution. "Argh!" An enraged Gendo slammed the phone against the catwalk, shattering the casing. "Fuck!" Regretting this impulsive act, the bearded man picked up the pieces and tried to reassemble the phone. "Let's see, connect this wire to that, plug this diode into that socket, attach this..." Zap! "Ah!"

*

The mobile phone sang with Frank Sinatra's voice. "Fly me to the moon..."

"Ugh." An exhausted Maya patted the desk for her phone. Beep! "Moshi moshi?"

"Doctor Ibuki, Rei has," 'deserted,' "fallen victim to the author's madness," Gendo lied. "You must activate her... Which Rei will this be? The second?"

"Pilot Soryu was prescribed methylenedioxymethamphetamine-- ecstasy-- as part of her psychedelic psychotherapy." Sleep deprivation-- a desperate measure to avoid becoming the commander's living blowup doll, as she was in 'The Rear End of Evangelion'-- dulled the brunette's mind.

"The Second Children is irrelevant to this story; she can rot in hell for all I care," Gendo growled. "Awake Rei II."

Maya shook her head, clearing it; then she opened a file on her computer. "According to the author's notes, her first incarnation... died... during an unsuccessful attempt to activate Evangelion Unit 00," as depicted in Episode Five, though the event occurred 22 days before this. "This will be her third."

The bearded man's teeth grit against each other. 'The bastard!' "Then activate her third-- wait. Was the Third Children's data downloaded to the dummy plug?" an autopilot allowing Gendo to override the Children's control if they were uncooperative.

"Yes, Sir."

"I want the data downloaded to Rei III, creating an Eva pilot with optimal combat skills." 'If Rei matches his lethal efficiency, I will have no need to appease the Third Children.'

Maya paused. "Are you certain, Sir?"

The bearded man's grip tightened, making the receiver fall off. "You will obey my orders without fail, or die." Crack! The phone shattered again, becoming unsalvageable; he didn't hear the brunette's final question.

Maya frowned at her phone. 'Is he unconcerned of the risk, or just ignorant?' She sighed. 'Knowingly or not, it was his decision to take the risk-- "his funeral," as the Americans say.' With that, Maya accessed-- tried to access Shinji's data, only to fall asleep.

***

N00B GET TO THE POINT EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009-2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

Kaoru read 'The Rear End of Evangelion', comparing Shinji's current personality with what it was in the TV series. 'Holy...! Must I fornicate with every man and woman I see to get his attention?'

"Awesome!" Kensuke's exclamation drew the 5th Child's attention. "Can Eviscerator Unit 00 be upgraded to a Stormbringer strategic bomb-- I mean strategic mission aircraft?" he referred to the JSSDF designation for bombers-- adopted to comply with the Constitution of Japan, Article 9, which renounced war as a means of international settling disputes-- as Shinji led him out of the men's locker room.

"I'm not an aerospace engineer; I'm not whatever you call an Eviscerator or Evangelion engineer; even if I was, I cannot tell you without prior approval from my superiors," the Stormbringer pilot deadpanned.

"So ask General," Kensuke shivered when Shinji's "killer look" reminded him to maintain operational security, even in NERV HQ, "Electric if they can mount turboramjets on Unit 00?"

'It's now or never.' Kaoru approached the Stormbringer pilot. "Hi! You must be Shinji Ikari, the famous Third Child!" She suppressed a shiver at Shinji's killer look. "As the only pilot the Angels fear, you best be aware of your own standing." The Stormbringer pilot's expression didn't change. "Don't be so damn paranoid! Soviet, American, German, Japanese-- all nations and peoples are united against the aliens you call 'Angels,' so no KGB agent will try to kill you in your sleep!" she referred to the Soviet Committee for State Security.

"Have we met?" Shinji finally asked.

"I'm Kaoru Nagisa, the Fifth Child-- pilot of Evangelion Unit 05." The girl offered a hand.

The Stormbringer pilot snapped his fingers. "Oh-- what did Kenny call you-- Lezziel!" he pointed at the 5th Child.

Kaoru's brow twitched. "What?"

"Lezziel, Angel of Lesbos," Kensuke explained.

The 5th Child shook with anger. "I... am not... a lesbian," she spoke through clenched teeth.

"How about Sapphiel-- Angel of Sapphic Love?" the bespectacled boy suggested. "Or are you bi?" bisexual. "Maybe..." Kaoru drew her shinai-- a bamboo sword used in kendo-- and slashed, arresting the tip a split-second before it could crack his skull. "Gasp!"

The 5th Child struggled to restrain herself; she ignored the HK45 targeting her, ready to fire if she hurt the bespectacled boy. "One... more... word... and I'll paint the walls with your brain. Nod if you understand." She watched Kensuke comply. "Good boy."

***

A sleeping Rei shivered, gripped by dark dreams colder than ice. 'Why am I here?' she asked herself. 'Why am I still alive? For what purpose? For which master? The Fifth Children... we could be sisters, so alike are we. Why...?'

'I am here to kick ass and drink tea; I am now out of tea,' the blue-haired albino answered herself. 'Stop wasting my time on existential bullshit, or you will commit suicide by my hands.'

Rei awoke with a start. "What...? Who was that?"

*

Whee! Kozo entered the kitchen to see Rei, a trench coat shielding her from the morning chill, boiling water.

"Good morning, Mister Fuyutsuki." The blue-haired albino poured the water into a teapot. "Tea?" She smiled.

The older man paused. 'Mister?' "Thank you, Rei-kun." He bowed and then took the second cup, but paused again when he saw the contents. 'Red tea? With milk?!' The girl preferred green tea, like most Japanese; Kozo wondered why her tastes changed. He waited until Rei took a sip, before he drank from his own cup. "Have made a decision?"

"Not yet." Another smile. "I must gather more information before I decide."

"Ah." 'Is she padding her breasts? No, she...' "I see you wearing armor under your blouse; it seems you already made a decision."

Rei laughed, an expression so out-of-character, the man almost shivered; then she drew a Heckler & Koch UMP45 submachine gun (SMG) from under her coat, giving Kozo reasons to fear her. "No," she smiled as the man's eyes crossed to focus on the weapon targeting his head, "but if you really want to die," her right index finger caressed the trigger guard, as it would her lover's face, "I'll happily grant your request."

The door opened. "Good..." A second Rei's eyes widened to see her Doppelgänger's left hand holding an HK45. "Gasp!" She dashed out the kitchen, through the dining room, to reach the cello case in the living room. Bang, bang! The first bullet burst the lock, opening the cello case; the second shattered her antitank rifle's trigger, rendering the weapon useless.

Kozo noticed Rei's Doppelgänger now held two guns-- with laser sights letting her simultaneously and accurately aim both weapons, an otherwise impossible feat. 'She's a self-insert?!'

When she had the second Rei's attention, the Doppelgänger smiled. "Relax; I'm not going to kill you... yet. If you're convincing, I'll even disregard Mister Ikari's orders to kill you."

A confused Rei frowned. "As the active clone, I am the vessel for our shared soul. Whose...?" She squinted when a laser sight began irritating her eyes.

"One more word and I'll put a bullet in your head," the Doppelgänger said with a saccharine smile, raising questions about her sanity.

"I'm afraid there is little I can offer to convince you to spare me," Kozo admitted. "My salary is higher than average-- this universe has relatively few people with detailed knowledge of Japanese culture-- but in units unrecognizable to someone from the world of 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'."

"I know-- I did my homework first," the Doppelgänger used American slang, "unlike Mister Child Abuse and Neglect-- but something relatively cheap here, can be worth a king's ransom there... a cure for cancer? Computer chips a generation beyond those of 2015 CE?" Common Era, the TV series' setting.

The teacher shrugged. "Well, you seem more reasonable than Ikari Gendo-kun, Miss..."

The Doppelgänger holstered her pistol; the SMG disappeared behind her coat. "Call me Lingbo Ling," the Mandarin pronunciation of Rei's name.

[Sidewinder]

'Let's try again.' Kaoru approached her male counterparts during lunchtime. "Guten Morgen, Herr Ikari! Or is 'ohayo' more appropriate?" the 5th Child smiled, greeting in German and Japanese.

"'Good morning' is fine," Shinji replied in English.

"Which club are you in at school? Kendo, like a true samurai?"

"To paraphrase another hero, 'Hokey institutions and ancient weapons are no match for a good gun at your side.'"

"Have you no pride in Japan and its cultural heritage? The nation you were born in, the people with whom the same blood flows through your veins?" an androgynous youth interrupted.

Shinji raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Excuse me, do I know you?"

The youth puffed his or her chest, and tried to appear intimidating. "I am Mitsuo K. Fukuda. I fight for peace, and to free Japan from the warmongers..."

"Including yourself?" the Stormbringer pilot interrupted.

Mitsuo pouted as he or she-- it tried to express burning anger. "I'll kill you..." The youth found its face pinned against Shinji's desk, a delicate-looking arm pulled behind its back, mere millimeters from dislocation. "Ah!"

"Don't make threats you cannot back up," Shinji deadpanned.

"Ite!" Mitsuo meant to say, 'Threaten you? You attacked me without provocation!' but the pain left it barely breathing, much less speaking.

"Comrade Shinji, be nice to the parody of a Gundamn pilot," Haruko commented. "He's too idealistic-- idiotic-- to realize his values contradict each other."

"Ah!" The androgynous youth rubbed its-- his sore, now free shoulder. "My ideals do not make me an idiot!"

"What does your middle initial stand for?" Kensuke changed the subject.

Mitsuo was confused. "Killian. Hey!" he protested as Kaoru pushed him towards the door.

"I'm the guest star. I'm the one who says, 'I love you,' to Herr Ikari, and forces him to choose between saving a world where he's unloved, and destroying it to save the only person to offer him love. You're nobody-- a parody of a parody-- whose lack of social skills makes you repellent to the audience, not sympathetic. Get out!" With that, the 5th Child expelled Mitsuo from class, and slammed the door.

"Oh shit!" Toji drew attention to the thing-- its size and shape comparable to an Evangelion's progressive knife-- growing from his forehead.

"Toji-kun!" Hikari reached for the jock's hand, only for his growth to split, become wings, and launch him through a window.

"I thought the author lost interest in the 'Gundamn' series?!" the bespectacled boy wondered.

"He lost interest in the characters-- who can blame him, they're all crybabies, spineless cowards, or sociopaths who think beating up a girl is evidence of masculinity," Shinji began.

The door slammed open. "I'm not a crybaby!" Then Mitsuo noticed the white robot-- with wings on its back, resembling an angel-- emerging from the jock's head. "It's a Gundamn," he drew a laser pistol, "my Gundamn!" He ran towards the shattered window, only for the Stormbringer pilot to pistol-whip him. "Ah!" The Gundamn pilot fell on his back, unconscious.

"But he still loves it when giant robots beat the scrap out of each other." With that, Shinji jumped out the window, caught Toji's foot, pulled the jock free of the robotic angel, and guided their descent towards the swimming pool.

Kensuke remembered the 3rd Children couldn't swim in the TV series. "Shinji can swim?" he wondered as the Stormbringer pilot helped his friend out of the pool.

Kaoru sighed. "Will I ever have my 15 minutes of fame?"

"No," Haruko answered as she unlocked the traverse and elevation (T & E) mechanism for her scooter's KPV, aimed the heavy machine gun at the white robot, and fired a burst. "Yeah! Get some!"

The 5th Child sighed again. "That was a rhetorical question," she added, words lost when the robot's rifle-- a directed energy weapon (DEW) resembling a phallus, thanks to twin nuclear reactors mounted under the barrel-- exploded.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 8

***

'Who are you? I am you. Who am I? What am I?

'I am myself. This form-- that which others see-- defines me, although it is alien to me. Strange... my body seems to be fading away.

'Another is present. Who...?'

"Stop wasting my time on existential bullshit," the other interrupted Rei's monologue in Episode 14.

Evangelion Unit 01 was confused. 'Who...? You seem to have the First Children's body, but the Third's mind.'

"Because I am the Third Child's data, downloaded into a blank Ayanami Rei clone. Call me Lingbo Ling, or the 13th Child."

'13th...?'

"It's easier to say than 'First-Third Children Hybrid Construct,' in Doc's words. Now," Ling checked Unit 01's status, confirming the machine was ready to fight, "someone deserves an ass-kicking; get to work and deliver that ass-kicking."

*

Ling accepted Rei's role as Unit 01's pilot-- not because it was her "reason for being," in her sister's words-- because she felt sexually aroused by what the fighting machine offered. Although the M65 wasn't loaded with W99 shells, the US Army provided NERV with tactical nuclear weapons-- on elevators, ready to deliver the pistol magazines at her request, and let her match the power God demonstrated when He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.

"Unit 01, launch!" Misato ordered. "Rei--"

"Ling," the pilot interrupted. "I'm bad, you know it?"

'She needs help-- psychiatric help.' The tactician assumed Rei suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder-- commonly known as "Multiple Personality Disorder"-- she'd order "Ling" to stand down if possible, but the blue-haired girl was the only available pilot. "Remember, the Children's safety is top priority. Draw the... whatever that is... away from school. Don't shoot until you can minimize collateral damage-- specifically, don't make casualties of the other pilots, people who'll cover your back in the next Angel attack."

"Wilco, Missy."

The American-style nickname confused Misato. 'Missy?'

Ling arrived to see the Vespa circling the robotic angel like a vulture-- 'An AC-130 gunship,' the 13th Child thought as fiery death reached from the scooter's left side. Haruko stood on the rear fender, keeping the KPV perpendicular to the scooter; armor-piercing incendiary rounds slowly, steadily transformed the once white robot into zebra.

Mitsuo appeared at a hole in the wall-- made by Haruko's scooter-- and struck a heroic posed. "ZOMG-21X Special Freedom Gun--" Bullets ricocheted off the zebra's armor, hitting the youth behind the pink-haired girl's target. "Ah! You bitch! My hand! You shot three fingers from my right hand!"

'I hope he learned a lesson, so I won't have to save his sorry ass next time.' Rails guided the M65 from a weapons bay in the right forearm-- Unit 01's latest upgrade-- to the fighting machine's hand.

Boom! The "parody of a parody" turned to see a fireball consume his robot. "What?! The Special Freedom Gundamn has PISS offload armor, which neutralizes all physical attacks! It's impervious to weapons used by the tyrannical United Americas!" He overlooked the fact the Eva-- twice as high as the 19-meter-tall Gundamn-- was armed against enemies of comparable size. "How...?"

The disguised Angel of Free Will-- mentally and physically drained defending herself from the Gundamn Angelic, Haruko, and Unit 01's combined firepower-- slammed a chair against the back of Mitsuo's head. "Shut up!"

Kensuke's head rose from the desk he hid behind. "That was disappointing," he thought of how quickly the Gundamn and its pilot were defeated.

***

N00B GET TO THE POINT EVANGELION II

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Gundamn inspired by Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, and Bandai's creation. Lyrics by You-Know-Who. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

A sing-song voice asked, "So Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?" when Shinji opened the door; the Stormbringer pilot, Kensuke, and Haruko entered the conference room to see Ling break dancing on the table.

Misato turned to Maya. "So...?"

The 13th Child interrupted with "You've been hit by...! You've been struck by...! A smooth criminal!"

"Memories? I'm surprised-- Shinji-kun never told us he's a Michael Jackson fan," the tactician finished.

"I'm not," the Stormbringer pilot deadpanned, making the tactician blush.

"He seems to like Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash," Ling said without missing a beat. "But this, 'Bad', and 'Thriller' are more appropriate theme songs for me," and resumed singing.

"Ling's download focuses on combat skills; she doesn't have all of Number Three's data," the brunette explained. 'I wonder what Ikari-kun chose as his theme song?'

'The girl certainly has Shinji-kun's ego,' Misato noted. "Shinji-kun, Kensuke-kun, Haruko-san, and..." The tactician frowned. "Where's Kaoru-chan?"

"In the showers," the 3rd Children answered.

"If she has any brains, she's no longer in this story-- already fled to escape the author's next fit of madness," Misato breathed.

Maya shrugged, and then nodded towards the break dancer, "this is Lingbo Ling, the 13th Children."

Sensing the question on the pilots' minds, the tactician added, "It's classified. I believe Shinji-kun heard the saying, 'If I tell you, I have to kill you.'"

*

Kaoru stood under the showerhead, sighing as she massaged her tense muscles. 'Okay, the original plan-- wait for Arael and Armisael's attacks to take away Shinji's friends, and then exploit the 3rd Child when he's isolated, ignored-- is useless. How...?'

"Are you not meditating on the existential meaning of Man and his works?"

"Kyaaaa!" The disguised Angel threw a bar of soap at-- through the black monolith beside her. "Don't peep when I'm bathing or showering, you perverts!" she admonished the form a SEELE member adopted when using telepathy or astral projection.

"Shame is a symptom of innocence lost, the..."

Kaoru pointed at the title. "Read the Goddamn story; there is no place for the mongrel brood of Christianity, existentialism, Freudian theory, and whatever the director believes in."

Silence followed, during which tensions rose; finally, Keel Lorenz said, "Herr Anno failed to adequately explain our motivations. This-- 'mongrel brood' of conflicting philosophies, in your words-- is the closest we have to character development."

The 5th Child's head bowed in frustration; the running water resembled tears as they flowed down her head. "Goddamn it." She shut off the water, wrapped a towel around her body, and walked towards the locker room.

The monoliths followed Kaoru. "Where are you going?" Lorenz asked through his avatar, the monolith labeled, "SEELE 01" and "Sound only".

"I need some time alone." The disguised Angel replicated Shinji's killer look. "If you peep next time I'm undressed, the last thing you see will be the crows plucking your eyes from their sockets." She got dressed and left.

The monoliths turned to each other. "This was not in the scenario." "What do we do?" "We still have copies of the script. Number 04, read Miss Nagisa's lines in falsetto." "What? Why me?!" "You're French; therefore, you're gay." "Use your stereotypes to sodomize yourself, you American pig!"

"Silence!" Keel interrupted. "Number 04, read Fräulein Nagisa's lines-- this I command!"

The French representative to SEELE sighed. "Humans cannot create something-- anything-- from nothing. Humans cannot accomplish anything without an anchor to hold onto, physical or spiritual. After all, humans are not God," words Kaoru used in the Director's Cut of Episode 24. 'Sacre Bleu! My shame grows with each word,' he thought of his girly, high-pitched voice.

Keel suppressed a laugh as he continued, "But there is a man who has ambitions to become God, to usurp Him as Lord of Hosts."

"There is a man who is not one of us, attempting to reopen Pandora's Box." "There is a man trying to close the box before Hope escapes its confines."

"Hope...?"

*

Gendo frowned at the Evangelion pilot not standing before him-- a pilot beyond his control. The androgynous, handcuffed youth was not the one Gendo wanted broken before him. "You are hereby charged with assaulting a NERV employee; destruction of government property; and criminal negligence in the handling of explosives. Do you have anything to say in your defense, Mister...?"

"Mitsuo K. Fukuda." The youth's eyes... almost burned... with an effort to look defiant, indomitable.

'I suppose beggars cannot be choosers.' "Fortunately, we share a common enemy, for whom I am willing to overlook today's incident."

"The warmongers and gun manufacturers-- death merchants who start wars so they can sell more guns-- who enslaved Japan."

"And Sidewinder, the war criminal responsible for the torture, mutilation, and deaths of characters in this story."

Mitsuo remembered the pain of losing his fingers. "He set the pink-haired girl upon me? And the coward who attacked me from behind?"

"And unless we stop him now, he'll make you, and countless others, suffer a fate worse than death." The bearded man hid the fact if his plans succeeded, they'd do the same to countless others.

"Tell me what must be done."

Gendo smiled as he unlocked the youth's handcuffs. "The author is..."

***

To be concluded.

[Sidewinder]

Shinji opened the bedroom door to find a girl in her underwear, lying on his bed. "Miss Nagisa? How the hell-- what the hell are you doing here?"

Kaoru smiled. "Can't a girl show her appreciation for a boy?"

A frustrated Shinji's head bowed so he may massage his temples. "You don't have to say, 'I love you.' Hell, you should forget about finding Adam and initiating the Third Impact," which shocked the undressed Angel. "Mister Sidewinder has nothing but contempt for, I quote, 'Environmentalist lunatics who think the human race should be exterminated or go extinct, to save the planet Earth.' Correction: he has nothing but contempt, and bullets with the environmentalist lunatics' names on them."

"Goddamn it!" Kaoru began battering the pillow to vent her anger. "I assume you received a secret weapon that can pierce my AT field and kill me, if I decide to initiate the Third Impact?"

"No, but I'm not the one you should fear-- remember when the author turned the story into a 'Transformers' crossover, and set Thunderwing upon the Fifth Angel?"

"Thunder-- you mean the five robots that combined to form a giant, golden devil?!"

"Bingo."

Kaoru dared not voice the question 'How badly can the author fuck up this story?' fearing its answer. "Since Herr Sidewinder drove a bulldozer through the Fourth Wall, may I ask what will occur between us? An exchange of bullets-- well, bullets in your case, cruciform projections from my AT field in mine?"

"I'm hoping we can live and let live, but if you insist on following the script, I'll live and let die."

The Angel caught the reference to a 'James Bond 007' film. "What if I seduce you, we make love, and then you charm me so I'll defect, aiding you in your mission?"

"That's fine." The Stormbringer pilot watched as Kaoru unhooked her brassiere; then he swept the Angel to his side, searing her lips with his passion as her hands tore at his shirt.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 9

***

Amarao stood before Unit 00, his attention divided between the script, and a book titled 'Not-So-Smart Person's Guide to Evangelions'. "Okay, I don't have... whatever Tabris has... but my NO channel can substitute for it." He faced the Eva. "Come, proxy to Adam and servant to the Lilim." Unit 00's cyclopean eye burned like brimstone as the fighting machine was activated. "Then I," he frowned at the script, "fly, and make the Eva fly with me? I wish Raharu was here," he referred to Haruko by another alias. "How...?"

*

Makoto reported, "AT field detected in Central Dogma!" the Command Center.

"Is it," Misato double-checked the screen before her, "Unit 00?"

"No, spectrum analysis indicates," the lieutenant frowned, "a NO channel?"

The screen now showed two lawn chairs floating down the elevator shaft beneath the Command Center. Amarao's seat hung from 45 weather balloons. Unit 00's seat-- 'Where did he get a chair that big?' everyone wondered-- hung from 1000.

Misato dialed the number to Amarao's mobile phone. "Commander Amarao, what the hell are you doing?!"

The Soviet officer double-checked the script. "I'm supposed to get to Terminal Dogma, reach Lilith, and debate existentialism with myself. Then I'm supposed to," he frowned at a line, "ask Shinji to kill me?"

"That's Kaoru's role!" the tactician protested. "She's an Angel with the power to initiate the Third Impact, if she comes in contact with Lilith! You're a just man with no brain!" The NO channel manifested in the braincase, making x-rays show empty space where the brain was.

Amarao was angered-- tried to look angry, but without a "killer instinct," he only looked constipated. "I know, but she's not answering calls from SEELE, so I must perform a duty none are willing to perform: dying to advance the plot." The Soviet officer looked down, and then at the script. "You should close the bulkheads to delay my arrival in Terminal Dogma, nyet?"

Gendo drank from a water bottle to wash down a handful of aspirin. "Whatever." 'Hurry, Fukuda-kun! Hurry!'

*

Kaoru was at a department store, shopping for swimsuits, when she sensed Amarao's Ersatz AT field. "Holy...!" She telepathically called SEELE to session, remembered her bikini top was untied, and barely covered her breasts before the others replied. "What in God's name are you doing?!"

Although the SEELE members manifested as monoliths, Kaoru knew they were frowning. "So the prodigal child returns our calls," a monolith growled.

"The author skipped six Angel attacks and 11 episodes, to introduce you. We are revising the scenario to correct the problems this caused," Keel added.

"With an Ersatz Angel and its Ersatz S² organ?!"

"We took such measures because the real thing consistently failed to meet our expectations."

Sarcasm dripped from the Angel's words, like venom from a fang, as she said, "Then I apologize for having a brilliant mind to go with my radiant soul. To make amends, I'll help you reach the end of this story with your minds and bodies intact, as I do-- assuming you had minds to begin with."

A SEELE member began, "Insolent...!"

"Forget her," Lorenz interrupted. "If she refuses to play her role, she no longer has a place in our scenario."

"Then I wish you luck, considering the author refuses to follow your plans." With that, Kaoru cut the telepathic link, got dressed, and-- two swimsuits on coat hangers, slung over her shoulder-- rushed to a counter to make a purchase before an emergency was declared.

***

N00B GRAND SLAM EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

Maya wore a blue plug suit-- like the TV series' plot, Shinji junked it when he received the replacement, an olive drab uniform for the US military-- imitating the Third Children's voice as she read, "No, no, no! You're lying! Kaoru-kun is an Angel?! You must be lying!"

"It's true. You cannot deny the evidence before you," Misato read her lines in Episode 24. "Sortie--"

The doors opened to admit the disguised Angel. "Fifth Child, Kaoru Nagisa, reporting for duty!" she saluted.

The tactician frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"Herr Sidewinder left Evangelion Unit 05 in Germany, so I'm here, in case you need a backup pilot," Kaoru answered.

"But Terminal Dogma..."

"Will become a slaughterhouse in Herr Sidewinder's hands," the disguised Angel finished.

Shinji radioed, "Frag out!" before Unit 03 dropped a GBU-43 Massive Ordnance Airburst (MOAB) bomb down the elevator shaft.

Boom! The weapon-- nicknamed 'Mother of All Bombs,' it weighed 10.25 metric tons, with 8.48 tons of explosives-- shook walls, cracked floor tiles, broke light bulbs, and popped 1045 weather balloons. "Correction: it's already a slaughterhouse. Do you want to put yourself on the author's cutting board?" Kaoru countered.

Misato shivered. "Good point." An alarm drowned out Amarao's screams, the Soviet officer's impact on the next bulkhead, and Evangelion Unit 00's impact on him. "What the...?"

"Major Katsuragi, Tokyo-2 just issued Special Order Alpha-801!" Makoto reported.

"An 801?" 'So soon?' In 'The End of Evangelion', the order was given after Shinji killed the disguised Angel.

"Affirmative; the Japanese government has terminated NERV's extralegal protection; they're taking control over the organization and its assets."

"But NERV is a UN agency! The Japanese government has no jurisdiction over us!" The tactician caught Gendo's absence. "And where the hell is Commander Ikari?!"

"He left to oversee the Eva cages' defenses," the brunette answered.

Kaoru recalled a devil in the details. "Wait, Herr Sidewinder gave Units 03 and 06 to the US and Soviet Air Forces, who made 'their' Evangelions nuclear capable." Makoto's mouth opened to correct her mistake, but shut it when the disguised Angel continued, "American and Soviet soldiers are here to guard their nuclear weapons! If Washington or Moscow think Tokyo-2 is trying to seize their WMD...?"

The Command Center personnel tried to predict the consequences; the obvious answer struck like a blizzard. "Shit!" they simultaneously cursed.

"Hyuga, call the US embassy! Maya, call the Soviets!" Misato ordered. "We must not let Japanese politicians start a nuclear war!" White lights were turned off; then red emergency lights replaced them as an alarm howled. "Tell me it's not..."

"Shit!" Makoto cursed. "Landlines, mobile phone networks, radio frequencies, satellite uplinks... We just lost all ability to communicate with the outside world!"

The brunette added, "They're hacking the MAGI!" supercomputers monitoring the Command Center-- from there, NERV Headquarters and the entire Geofront.

"Too late," the tactician finished.

"At least the American MAGI are no longer a threat," an optimistic Maya noted.

*

Riiiip! Ling stared at the tear in her plug suit, which was tailored for Rei. "Shit." The 13th Child took off the undersized suit.

"Rei?" Gendo called. "Why," the girl's face blurred as the bearded man's focus turned to the pistol in her hands, aimed at his head, "are you here?"

"I came here to drink milk tea and kick ass, and I'm all out of milk tea."

"How is milk tea relevant to...? Ah!" Gendo cried when the laser sight swept over his eyes.

"It's my favorite drink, and a classic line from a John Carpenter movie."

"But today is the Promised Day!" the bearded man protested.

"I promise to wax the floor with your brains, if you don't leave right this minute."

'I created a monster-- no, two trigger-happy monsters with access to nuclear weapons!' "I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" Walking was difficult-- Gendo had an erection when he saw Ling's nude figure, making his pants uncomfortably tight-- this was nothing compared to the damage bullets would inflict.

***

Keel frowned at the red icon onscreen. "Why is MAGI 06 inactive?" he referred to the units in Beijing, China.

A SEELE agent reported, "General Long refused to let us use MAGI 06 without his approval." Long was a People's Liberation Army officer, commander of NERV's Chinese branch.

'Goddamn, slant-eyed Chink bastards.' With two MAGI units inactive, the remaining three couldn't breach Tokyo-3's security. "I wanted to resolve this in a peaceful manner, but they leave me no choice. Commence Operation Revelations, immediately!" With that, JSSDF units advanced towards NERV HQ.

Onscreen, Special Forces operators killed guards and, using codes the secret society provided, opened the gates to infantrymen, tanks and armored fighting vehicles. "Evangelion pilots are to be terminated on sight. Assume all NERV personnel are enemy combatants, to be executed without hesitation," a Japanese officer radioed. Cannon to the fortress' right, cannon to its left, cannon in front of it volleyed and thundered.

Boom! "Ahhhh!" Antiaircraft and tank guns, grenade and missile launchers, and a Kamov Ka-29 assault helicopter's 2A42 autocannon answered the JSSDF's call. "Watanabe! Noooo!" "Tanks? The briefing said nothing about tanks!" "Because NERV has no tanks! That ZSU-23-4 bears Soviet Naval Infantry...!" Rat-at-at! "Gah!"

The SEELE leader's confusion mirrored his pawns'. "What...?"

*

An indignant Tsurumaki Kazuya, Japanese Prime Minister, sat in a spacious bomb shelter-- the JSDF Operations Center-- military officers studied a holographic map before them, ignoring the politician. "Why am I hiding-- no, entombed here, instead of sitting in my office?" 'I spent 150,000 yen on a desk with an integral refrigerator, so I could relax with a cold beer after a hard day's work; now they're going to waste.'

His secretary and mistress-- the only woman the Prime Minister trusted to remain silent on sensitive issues-- stated, "As Head of Government, you alone may authorize the use of Japan's N² arsenal. From here, you can better assess the situation, and determine the necessity of using special weapons," 'and let the Self-Destruct Forces deny responsibility for any mistake.'

Kazuya sighed. "To think NERV's ultimate goal, the Human Instrumentality Project, was to initiate the Third Impact and annihilate the human race... makes me shiver."

"We must be the only animals to despise our own species," the secretary mused.

"Sir, the Special Weapons Unit is in firing position," a JSSDF officer reported.

The politician began, "All that remains is to--"

"What?!" A JSDF officer ran towards Kazuya. "Sir, the US military liaison reports unidentified terrorists are attacking Tokyo-3 Airbase, possibly to seize nuclear weapons stored there! He requests aid in defense of the airbase!"

The shelter fell silent. "The US military stores nuclear weapons in Tokyo-3? Why was I not informed of this?!" the politician demanded.

Keyboards thundered; countless hands swept like a typhoon, wreaking chaos in files and folders. "What? Evangelion Unit 03 is a prototype for the US Air Force's next-generation bomber?!"

"The Americans are part of this conspiracy!" A paranoid General Tokita Shiro, head of the JSSDF Advanced Technological Research Unit, put his hands on Kazuya's shoulders. "Sir, we must launch a decapitation strike! Authorize the use of two-- no, four ALBMs against Washington, DC," he referred to air-launched ballistic missiles. "It's the only way--"

"Unhand me!" The politician performed a judo throw; Tokita fell unconscious when his head slammed against the floor. "Foolish warmonger will destroy our own nation."

"Sir, we're receiving real-time images of the terrorists attacking the airbase!" a lieutenant reported.

Kazuya's eyes ballooned as men in black uniforms, firing G11 assault rifles, appeared onscreen. "Tell me they're not--"

"Shit! It's our own Special Warfare Unit!" JSSDF Special Forces. The shelter almost shook as the officers simultaneously collapsed, their legs insensate upon learning they put Japan at the brink of a nuclear war.

"Withdraw all our forces, immediately!"

*

An M65 field gun roared; then frantic JSSDF officers screamed, "The cable! Where the hell is its power cable?!" "Fuck, the Green One has gas turbine power plants!" "Task Force Alpha, this is Omega One. Is the airfield secure?" Mk44 chain guns beat a tattoo, not quite muffling the dying men's screams. "Does that answer your fucking question?!" "They're killing us over here! We need special weapons...!" "The Americans store nuclear weapons in Tokyo-3?!" "What?!" "Shit! Tell me you trigger-happy lunatics didn't...!" "Sir! American FB-22 bombers are en route to Tokyo-3, ETA six minutes!" "All forces, withdraw!" "But...!" "You want to stay and see if those Ravens are nuclear-armed?!" "Fuck!"

"The accursed Evangelions." "Americans." "Russians." "Space aliens." "And the author," the SEELE members cursed those who forced them to deviate from the script. "Must they interfere with our plans again?"

"It seems we must fight fire with fire." Keel's command cast seven shadows-- flying wing aircraft, designed to transport a 40-meter-tall fighting machine-- over the Geofront. Rails extended from each aircraft's tail, moving a white giant out of the cargo bay; explosive bolts fired, freeing the giants from their restraints. Avian wings-- biological, unlike Unit 03's mechanical, mission adaptive wings-- unfolding from their backs, Evangelion Units 05, 07, 09, 10, 11, and 13 resembled albino vultures as they circled the fortress, seeking prey.

Unit 12 failed to clear its transport before Unit 03 fired two AIM-120 missiles, destroyed the flying wing's engines, and enveloped the white Eva in burning jet fuel.

*

"Deployment of all," Maya noted two transport aircraft were absent, "seven S² engine-equipped units? Isn't that's excessive?"

Misato remembered the author's cavalier use of nuclear weapons. "Not to an American gun nut."

"Or do they plan to initiate the Third Impact here?"

Unit 03's head-mounted chain guns tore apart Unit 10's wings. "They planned to initiate it here," Gendo sneered, surprising the Command Center personnel.

"Commander Ikari!" The tactician saluted. "When did you...?"

Shinji watched his target fall like a lead ingot, followed by stray feathers. "Ornithopters? Were these Eviscerators designed to fail?" he wondered while tearing off Unit 13's wings.

The tactician sighed. "They're mass production Evangelions, not next-generation killing machines for the US Air Force."

Ling extended her AT field to neutralize Unit 09's. Boom! The 280 mm shell detonated, shrapnel cutting the white Eva's wings to ribbons; with nothing to slow its descent, Unit 09 slammed against the ground, breaking its neck. "They were Evangelions," she sneered; then Unit 11 shared its brother's fate, lying down with shredded wings and shattered bones.

***

"Urgh!" Amarao clawed free of Unit 00 and its lawn chair's weight, and then rolled onto his back, exhausted. "I need a vacation." Clatter, clatter! "What...?" The Soviet smelled something near palatable. "Fried chicken?"

Evangelion Unit 12 struggled against the elevator shaft's confines; beating wings and pounding limbs tore rents in metal walls, to no avail. The dummy plug-- its autopilot, a clone of Kaoru-- was programmed for absolute loyalty to SEELE, not for technical and tactical proficiency. Realizing why it couldn't move, the burnt Eva retracted its wings.

Amarao frowned at the growing shadow above him; then his eyes ballooned with recognition. "Fuck!" He scrambled out the way of a freefalling Unit 12, which tore open the bulkhead beneath his feet. "Ahhhh!" Crash, clatter, clang! "Ow! My back!"

*

"That's enough, Rei," Gendo radioed. "Return and secure the Eva cages, immediately. Leave the remaining enemy units to the Third Children." SEELE planned to reap the souls of every man and woman on Earth, uniting and transforming its members into God; its failure allowed the bearded man to become God in their place.

"Eat this!" Boom! "Enjoy your meal? Here comes a depleted uranium dessert!" Rat-at-at-at-at!

Gendo's smile faded with each passing second. "Rei, I ordered you to retreat." He needed the blue-haired albino to carry out his plans. "Confirm order received, and--"

Boom! Ling charged as Unit 05 recoiled from the 280 mm shell's impact. "Let me teach you," the white Eva lost its braincase and upper jaw, but still sensed Unit 01's presence, "why you should," the 13th Child dodged a slash from Unit 05's oversized sword, "never bring a sword," the weapon was a clone of the Lance of Longinus, able to effortlessly pierce an AT field-- if it scored a hit-- Unit 05 failed to do so before it was swept off its feet, its lower jaw planted into the ground, "to a gunfight!" A second shell entered through the back of its neck, destroyed Unit 05's dummy plug, and paralyzed the white Eva.

"Um, Commander, the clone refers to herself as 'Lingbo Ling,'" Maya noted.

The bearded man ordered, "Increase LCL pressure in Unit 01's entry plug, to maximum," which would knock the pilot unconscious.

"What?"

"We cannot waste time on an impossible child," Gendo continued.

"Yes, Sir." The brunette's hands danced on her keyboard. "What's jamming the signal?" She studied Unit 01's revised schematics. "What?! The Americans removed 'DRIVE A' when they installed the Mk44 automatic cannons!" The top secret 'drive' put an Eva under a dummy plug's remote control. "We can no longer override Unit 01's controls!"

"Bitch!" The bearded man slapped Maya, knocking her off the chair. "Your incompetence left Rei III at the mercy of the Third Children's Thanatos," in Freudian theory, a person's destructive and self-destructive instincts, named for the Greek god of death. "She's useless to me!"

The tactician, unaware Maya was struck, watched Units 09 and 11 climb to their feet, regenerating crushed organs and broken bones. "The mass production Evangelions have resurrected!"

*

Keel smiled as Units 10 and 13 rose from the ground. "At long last, our prayers are answered."

SEELE members reported, "Unit 12 has secured the true Lance of Longinus," when the burnt Eva reappeared. "The difficulties were greater than expected, but the solution was not beyond our means." They began chanting, "Return the Evangelions to their true form-- through them, the human race. With Earth purified by indiscriminate death and destruction; with heaven sanctified by our prayers; we are absolved of the Original Sin, our true forms restored."

The SEELE leader began, "Unite all souls so they may find peace, and--"

"Command One, this is Stormbringer. Request permission to use Whiskey Niner-Niner," Shinji radioed.

Despair united the SEELE members, who cried as one, "Noooo!" Then a nuclear weapon detonated, static flooding their senses as the electromagnetic pulse blinded cameras and deafened microphones.

***

To be concluded.

[Sidewinder]

Part 9 receives an additional scene, explaining why Unit 12 was absent during the battle.

[Sidewinder]

I'm writing some side stories, to fill in some blanks. This one explains how NERV defeated Matariel, Angel of Rain.

***

Four legs cut into the ground like giant scythes, carrying Matariel, Angel of Rain, to Tokyo-3. A dozen eyes studded its carapace, occasionally blinking as the spidery creature scanned its surroundings. No guns fired in anger at Matariel's approach; human saboteurs disabled the city's main, auxiliary, and standby electrical systems, leaving Tokyo-3 defenseless.

A dying Eviscerator-- lying on its back, a hand clutching the intestines spilling over its torso, its AT field dim and near undetectable-- was the only obstacle before the Angel.

"Lucky!" Matariel advanced towards Unit 01, deviating from its original path in search for glory. "I'll show Sahaquiel who's a 'speed bump,'" the Angel of Rain thought of its brother, Angel of the Skies. The center of its carapace's bore a cyclopean eye, behind which special glands produced nitric and hydrochloric acids; the chemicals were mixed to create teardrops that burned everything it touched. Matariel squinted, sending a stream of aqua regia-- "royal water," acid strong enough to dissolve gold-- towards the Eviscerator.

Unit 01's AT field flared so suddenly, the invisible wall near blinding the Angel as it blocked the acid. The Eviscerator performed a combat roll-- the guts fell to reveal an intact body and armor-- and rose to its feet.

Matariel caught Sandalphon's scent. "How dare you us my brother's guts as bait?!" The Angel's own AT field flared as Unit 06 attacked its flank, depleted uranium pellets piercing its defenses to hammer the carapace. "That hurt!" Matariel turned to rain aqua regia on the red-and-yellow Eva, exposing its flank to the Eviscerator.

Boom! Unit 01's AT field extended, cutting a path for the 280 mm shell, which pierced Matariel's carapace with contemptuous ease. "I hate spiders," Shinji deadpanned as the shell detonated, tearing the Angel inside-out.

Haruko began singing, "I'm only happy when it rains!" Unit 06 danced as the dying Angel's ichor painted it violet. "I'm only happy when it's complicated!"

"I," Matariel forced itself to stand tall, knees buckling from the effort, "will never--"

The pink-haired girl drew a chainsword, severed a spidery limb, and stabbed Matariel with its own leg-- skewering the S² organ, killing the Angel-- without missing a beat. "And though I know you can't...!"

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 5 Side Story

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Lyrics by Garbage.

***

"Was the operation successful?" Keel asked.

A SEELE member answered, "Yes. By observing the reboot and recovery procedures through Trojan Horses, we acquired access codes to NERV Headquarters and its MAGI," supercomputers monitoring the Command Center-- from there, the entire Geofront.

"I trust the MAGI's dummy programs were no major interference?" another recalled countermeasures that Maya took to minimize the damage.

"Negative. Monsieur Ikari can manually launch the Evangelions-- the Geofront has diesel generators to provide the necessary electrical power, and auxiliary batteries can be mounted to extend the Evangelions' endurance, as the video demonstrates-- but we'll have the advantage when he's ready to betray us."

"Excellent." Keel smiled, not knowing how wrong he was.

***

Makoto, Maya, and Misato-- recently promoted to major-- sat or stood in the observation booth, observing a harmonics test. Evangelion Units 00, 01, and 06 stood in the cages below, a dozen cables linking the fighting machines to diagnostic systems.

"Technobabble, babble, babble..."

Misato tuned out the operators' words, the tactician near insensate until Maya mentioned a name.

"I'm surprised Ikari-kun has a lower synchronization ratio than Rei, considering his performance," the brunette referred to a pilot's ability to interface with an Evangelion, which NERV periodically tested.

"Shinji-kun sees himself as a soldier; sees the Eva as an extension of his body, as soldiers see weapons; and uses the Eva as a weapon. He enters the plug with only two goals: to 'neutralize' the enemy, and to survive. This focus makes him the best combat pilot, and reduces the synch ratio's significance to academics," the tactician stated.

"So we don't need to boost Ikari-kun's self-confidence?" Maya asked.

"No, we need to suppress his confidence-- specifically, his cavalier attitude towards nuclear weapons and their use."

Makoto shivered, remembering the Eviscerator pilot's actions during Israfel's attack. "Good point."

"By the way, where's Aoba-kun? I've not seen him in days," Misato added.

"He resigned his commission and immigrated to America," Makoto answered. "I'd join him, but," 'I love you, and will always be here for you,' the lieutenant didn't say.

Misato sighed. "I understand. I'd do the same if I could, but someone must stop Shinji-kun from destroying Tokyo-3 to save it."

'Makoto, you fool! This is your chance to take Kaji-san's place as her lover!' the lieutenant thought of Misato's ex-boyfriend. 'Seize this opportunity before the author gives it to a self-insert!' "Major-- Misato-san, I--"

"Hey, Shinji! When will I get to fire a W99 nuke?" Kensuke interrupted.

"When hell freezes over," the tactician answered before turning to Makoto. "Remind me to never let the Americans mount an atomic gun on Unit 00, and never let Kensuke-kun pilot a nuclear-capable Eva. I swear that boy's more reckless than Shinji-kun."

"Yes, Ma'am." 'Goddamn it!' Makoto silently cursed.

***

End side story.

[Sidewinder]

Another side story, explaining where Kensuke, Haruko, and Unit 06 were during the battle. I further edited Part 9 to name the Japanese Prime Minister, after Tsurumaki Kazuya.

***

"Wow! A Tupolev Tu-22M5 Backfire!" Kensuke jumped and then crouched, trying to examine the supersonic bomber from every angle. "If only I had my camera! Then I'd be in heaven!"

"If you had your camera, the guards would execute you as an enemy spy," Haruko pointed her finger like a gun barrel, at the bespectacled boy's head. "Then you would be in heaven."

Kensuke didn't hear the pink-haired girl's warning. "Which one's the test bed for the Tu-166's turboramjet?" Tupolev Design Bureau was responsible for transforming Evangelion Unit 06 into the Soviet military's next-generation bomber, counterpart to the US Air Force's B-3 Stormbringer.

Haruko answered, "The one at Komsomolsk-on-Amur," hundreds of kilometers from Vladivostok, where she currently played host to Kensuke.

"Then to Komsomolsk-on-Amur we go," the bespectacled boy remembered why he was here, "after I learn how to fly Unit 06!"

The pink-haired girl's radio headset buzzed. "Say again?"

"Can I test fire a 9K79...?"

"Okay, Comrade Admiral." With that, Haruko's guitar arced towards the back of Kensuke's head.

Clang! "Ahhhh!" The bespectacled boy flew over the parked aircraft, ricocheted off a ceiling designed to resist "bunker buster" weapons, slammed into the floor, and fell unconscious.

*

Soviet Naval Infantry servicemen chatted as they approached a hardened aircraft shelter. "What kind of name is Haruko? Kazakh? Kyrgyz?" "It's commonly given to Japanese girls." "Should we arrest Comrade Raharuva as a Japanese spy, or...?" "Comrade Raharuva is a space alien from 'FLCL'. She has a Japanese name because 'FLCL' is set in Japan. When Comrade Sidewinder made her an Eva pilot, he commissioned her as an officer in the Soviet Navy." "Comrade Sidewinder is American, nyet?" "Chinese-American." "Then why is Comrade Raharuva not an American or Chinese pilot?" "To balance the story, I guess; he gave Units 03 and 04 to the US Air Force, and Unit 08 to the PLA," Chinese People's Liberation Army.

The marines entered the shelter to see Haruko hammer Kensuke's head, launching the bespectacled boy over the bomber.

"Greetings, comrades!" The pink-haired girl smiled, blood dripping from the guitar in her left hand. "He's all yours," she pointed at an unconscious Kensuke.

Sensing a question his comrades dared not ask, the Russian otaku-- fan of Japanese comics and animation-- said, "Better to have Comrade Raharuva in our service, than in the Americans'."

The others heard an unspoken 'Better to stand with her in battle, than to stand against her-- as target for a nuclear weapon.' "I hope you're right," a marine added.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 9 Side Story

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas Bush.

***

Kazuya began, "We were not informed Evangelion Unit 03 was transferred to the US--"

"Unit 03 was allotted to America in 2010, the same time Unit 06 was allotted to the Soviet people, and Unit 08 to China; those were the Soviet people, Washington, and Beijing's conditions for releasing funds to construct the UN's Evangelions," the Soviet ambassador interrupted. "The Soviet people's Eva was stationed at NERV Headquarters, from September to November of this year," before it returned so the Soviet military could upgrade it. "The American Eva arrived in October-- it remains there. You are not American, not English, and not French; you have no fucking excuse for your fucking ignorance of the past three months' events, to say nothing of a five-fucking-year-old treaty."

'If the Defense Intelligence Headquarters' Director is smart, he'll commit seppuku before I have him crucified.' One was ritual suicide, allowing a disgraced samurai to reclaim his honor; the other was a death sentence, used in medieval Japan as well as Rome. "We withdrew all our forces--"

"After inflicting 15 to 20 casualties upon the Soviet marines defending Tokyo-3. The Soviet people demand an apology for your mistake, and reparations for their families."

'The Soviet government demands money from mine? You hypocrite! Let's fight a Second Russo-Japanese War, to remind the world you Russians are weak and cowardly.' The politician began, "Our ambassador will meet with your president to--" A JSDF lieutenant opened the door. "I'm conferring with the Soviet ambassador! You fucking warmongers are not to disturb us, unless the world will end in the next five minutes!" Kazuya admonished.

The military officer didn't fear the politician, but this emotion flooded the room. "The world-- our world may end in the next five minutes." He put a file on Kazuya's desk. "The PLA is at full alert, its First and Second Marine Brigades are mobilizing, Second Artillery Corps are selecting targets in Japan--"

"Fuck!" Kazuya knew the 2nd Artillery Corps controlled the PLA's ballistic missiles.

"And the Chinese ambassador is demanding to know why the JSDF attacked UN facility-- by extension, the US and Soviet Union-- apparently to seize American and Soviet WMD."

The ambassador frowned at the Japanese politician. "I'm surprised your nation is so belligerent, it attacks the armed forces of two nuclear powers, and threaten a third. Didn't the Japanese people renounce war, seeking to avoid the death and destruction they inflicted on others during World War II, Comrade Tsurumaki?"

Kazuya's head banged against the desk, too shocked to feel insulted. "Maybe I should commit seppuku-- on live television-- to save our nation," he joked. 'My political career is dead, anyways.'

"I doubt that will convince Beijing we acted on peaceful intentions; hell, it'll seem more suspicious if you die. The Kwantung Army invaded Manchuria despite Old Tokyo's disapproval; instead of withdrawing the invasion force and punishing its leaders, the Imperial government sent reinforcements. If Beijing believes the JSDF overthrew the civilian government, it might--"

"Fuuuuck!" Kazuya's head hammered the desk; the resulting headache was nothing compared to his despair.

"So 'death before dishonor' is no longer an option." The ambassador patted the politician's back. "You have my sympathy, Comrade Tsurumaki."

***

End side story.

[Sidewinder]

Another side story, for exposition's sake.

***

Misato studied the file before her. "Name: Nagisa, Kaoru. Nationality: German. Date of birth: the day the Second Impact occurred. Place of birth: redacted. Father, mother, legal guardian: redacted. Known relatives: redacted." The tactician sighed. "She's like Rei; it's as if she didn't exist until the day she came to NERV Headquarters."

Makoto nodded. "I hacked into Section 2's database, but it's as blank as the Marduk Institute's," he referred to an agency under NERV, which tested Children as potential Eva pilots.

"But the risk..." The woman was uncertain how to complete the sentence.

"It was worth taking, if only to know what we don't know," the man finished.

Another sigh. "Anything else I should know?"

"Yes, but it's a spoiler. Can we...?"

"Go ahead," Misato replied. "It can't be anymore shocking than what the author's doing."

Makoto shrugged. "Haruhara-san believes Pilot Nagisa is the last Angel. Should we...?"

"Shinji-kun thought a 10-kiloton yield was 'necessary to kill' the Ninth Angel," the woman recalled. "What will he think is necessary to kill this one?"

The man shivered. "Good point."

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 7 Side Story

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Gunblade based on Nomura Tetsuya's design for Square Enix. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

"Excuse me, Fräulein Horaki."

The Class President turned to the speaker. "How may I help you, Kaoru-kun?"

"I wish to join the Kendo Club. I apologize for what inconvenience my recent transfer caused--"

"It's no trouble," Hikari assured. "But the school has no Kendo Club. Regulations state a club needs at least five members, to qualify for school sponsorship; a sports club needs faculty approval, to reserve the gym for activities; there wasn't enough interest to start one."

"Pity. What club is Herr Ikari in?" the 5th Child asked.

"He's in-- what did Aida-kun call it-- the Scale Modeling--"

"How can you say the A-91 is worse than useless, when you've yet to handle it?!" Kensuke drew attention to an issue of Guns & Ammo magazine, with an article on the A-91 bullpup rifle.

"A right-handed shooter can use his left hand to manipulate the foregrip safety," Shinji pointed at a lever on the A-91's left side, "a left-handed shooter can use his right hand to manipulate the butt safety," a lever on its right, "but if either hand is injured, I might as well shout, 'Give me a second to arm this ergonomic nightmare, before you shoot me!' The HK416 and HK417 have an ambidextrous safety above the trigger guard; either thumb can manipulate it, a bonus in urban warfare, where I might switch to shoot from cover."

"Excuse me, Herr Ikari." Kaoru approached the Stormbringer pilot. "You seem interested in military history. May I...?" A stranger knocked the 5th Child off her feet. "Hey!"

"Oomph!" a boy exhaled when Kaoru bumped into him.

"You warmonger-- you monster! How can you discuss murder so casually?!" the stranger condemned Shinji.

The Stormbringer pilot raised a skeptical brow. "Anne-Marie?"

"My name is Amano Rei, Hero of...!"

"Yaaaa!" Kensuke drew all eyes on his prosthetic leg-- now a flapping, avian wing that lifted him upside-down, scattering paper like snow in a blizzard-- with one exception.

The 5th Child stared at the leg transformed by her touch. 'I didn't know I could do that,' Kaoru thought.

"You will kowtow and apologize to me, or I shall avenge my honor!" Amano's demands were ignored as Shinji, Toji, and Hikari tried to help their friend. "Then you leave me no choice!" The parody drew a katana-- a Japanese long sword, and... Wham! Kensuke dropped the table he hoped would anchor him, onto Amano's head. Shinji, Toji, and Hikari's attention remained on the one-winged boy; none noticed the now unconscious parody, lying on the floor with footprints covering his back.

"What did I do to deserve this?!" Kensuke cried.

*

Keel frowned at the footage from the classroom surveillance camera. "Herr Rei's performance was most disappointing."

"I thought the First Children was a girl?" a black monolith-- the form a SEELE member adopted when using telepathy or astral projection-- asked.

The SEELE leader sighed. "I'm referring to Amano Rei, the-- what did he pilot, a Gumbo-- we're evaluating as a replacement for the Third Children."

"You mean the Gunboy?" "I thought it was a Gundamn?" "It's the 'Bad Anime' parody of a Gundamn; the author has a poor opinion of the franchise." "Why was a parody used instead of the actual article? We can't achieve our goals with half-baked plans." "Why are we evaluating replacements for the Third Children? He has exemplary performance against the Angels."

"Because his father is Gendo Ikari, who plans to betray and replace us as God-- the Third Children is his instrument, not ours!" Keel took a deep breath. "Contact Sotsu, Sunrise, and MBS," the copyright holders. "Evaluate the Gundamn pilots, and set their-- our best against Ikari's."

*

Pen-Pen toured a commercial district on Planet Mauser. 'Got to love a government that names planets after gun manufacturers.' The penguin approached a replicator booth, caught a familiar face, and approached the blue-haired albino, holding a sign labeled, "AYANAMI REI? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

The girl raised a skeptical brow. "Have we met?"

"I'M PEN-PEN". The penguin saw no change in Rei's expression. "MISATO'S PET-- MASCOT FOR THE 'NEON GENESIS EVANGELION' SERIES", he added.

"Misa-- you mean Major Katsuragi?" The girl shook Pen-Pen's flipper. "Greetings, Pen-Pen. I'm Lingbo Ling," she caught the penguin's raised eyebrow, "Rei's sister-- it's complicated. What brings you to the Gung-Ho Republic?"

"I'M GETTING A GUN AND A KATANA-- THEN I'LL KICK CMDR GONADS-EXPLODING-NOISY-DEATH-ONSCREEN SO HARD, SHIT WILL STAIN HIS TEETH", which made Ling laugh.

"How about a gunblade?" With that, the replicator began assembling a blade with a clip point.

'A Bowie,' Pen-Pen's eyes widened at the 91-centimeter-long blade, 'saber? No, it's a handgun-saber combo.' The unusual sword had a .44 caliber revolver as its grip, and a cutout in its basket-hilt for the revolving cylinder; the frame was labeled, "10.9 x 33 mm R". Like katana, the blade had layers of hard and soft metal-- folded around a gun barrel, the muzzle visible behind its clip point.

Ling handed the gunblade to the penguin. "Think you can handle it?"

Pen-Pen slashed at his shadow; the momentum near-swept him off his feet, but the heavy weapon promised serious injury to a target, even one in body armor. "WHERE CAN I GET AMMO?" the penguin asked.

"It's chambered in .44 Magnum. The cylinder is extended to accommodate APEX-- armor-piercing explosive bullets," Ling stated. "Don't ask; you must be in the Gung-Ho Army to get APEX ammo."

"DAMN".

***

End side story.

[Sidewinder]

"Prime Minister Tsurumaki issued a formal apology for the JSSDF mission to NERV Headquarters, and promised to pay reparations to the families of US and Soviet military servicemen who became casualties during the mission," the reporter stated, avoiding the word "attack" like the Japanese politicians trying to absolve his government of responsibility. "Despite this, self-proclaimed 'pacifist groups' held protests outside the Japanese embassies in..."

Gendo filed the details in the back of his mind, simultaneously watching the news and searching online, plotting to best exploit the political turmoil to his benefit. 'The Northboro Baptist Church can be used as a distraction. If they are further radicalized, they may be useful as assassins, or as scapegoats if I must remove an obstacle.' His fingers danced on the keyboard, contacting his agents in...

Boom! Gravity reached through a hole in the office floor, pulled down the bearded man, and stunned him on impact with the floor below; Gendo's glazed eyes caught cement blocks and steel girders surrounding his surprisingly intact chair, like worshippers around an idol. "What's that smell?" echoed in his head as the world spun around him; then he recognized the scent. 'Plastic explosives!' Gendo jumped to his feet, a semiautomatic pistol in hand, only to drop the weapon when his groin exploded. "Ahhhh!" Lying on the floor, blood leaking between the fingers covering his devastated genitals, the bearded man reached for the pistol with a shaking hand.

Webbed feet kicked the pistol out of Gendo's reach. The bearded man looked up, questioning his sanity upon his last sight-- Pen-Pen dressed like Wyatt Earp, a gunblade in the penguin's right flipper, a sign reading "GOOD MORNING, CMDR GONADS-EXPLODING-NOISY-DEATH-ONSCREEN" in his left. The sign rotated to show the words "AND GOOD RIDDANCE", before Pen-Pen thrust the blade through Gendo's heart, fired a .44 Magnum cartridge so its recoil would free the blade, and spun around. The blade parted bone and sinew, like Moses parting the Red Sea, to launch Gendo's head from his shoulders.

The penguin fired a third shot, making the head explode. He cleaned the blade, sheathed it, and gathered Gendo's personal effects-- keys, sidearm, wallet, wristwatch and jewelry-- in a trashbag.

'Lend me a hand,' Pen-Pen sarcastically asked as he put on the dead man's gloves. He unsealed a flask to reveal white pellets, which he sprinkled onto Gendo's hands; then he poured water onto the potassium hydroxide pellets, forming an alkaline solution that corroded the dead man's hands, destroying the fingerprints and palms. With that, the penguin picked up his mobile phone, typing the words "MISSION ALPHA COMPLETE" on his way to incinerate Gendo's personal effects.

Pen-Pen's accomplice sent the text message "MISSION BRAVO COMPLETE" after removing the body and cleaning up the blood. "CHARLIE" was the hacker who replaced Gendo's fingerprints and dental records, with another person's. "DELTA" was the construction crew that patched the hole in the floor, and removed the debris, under the guise of sweeping the NERV Commander's office for bugs.

The body was never found.

[Sidewinder]

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 10

***

Misato-- promoted to lieutenant colonel, and named NERV Commander-- sighed as she prepared to address her coworkers-turned-subordinates. Matsushiro, NERV's Japanese branch, was less accommodating than the Geofront-- Maya described the base as a "museum display" and "relic of the last century,"-- but NERV HQ remained "hot" with radioactive fallout, thanks to Shinji's efforts.

'At least Shinji-kun didn't use me as a bullet sponge,' the tactician's fate in 'The End of Evangelion'. "As you maybe aware, the UN is dissolving NERV and transferring its assets to a new agency: the Security Council Advocate for Resolution Enforcement."

"SCARE?" Maya wondered.

Misato shrugged. "At least the acronym uses words that make sense together."

"But if you include the letters 'UN', you get 'UNSCARE'. Is that a word?" the brunette continued.

"And the JSSDF? Is there any guarantee SEELE won't use it, or another nation's military service, to cut our throats?" Makoto-- who Misato promoted to captain, and named NERV subcommander-- reminded them of the recent attack.

"There is: each member of the Security Council will station an infantry battalion here. 'An attack against one of them shall be considered an attack against them all,' in the politicians' words," the tactician answered.

"Like NATO or the Warsaw Pact?" Hyuga referred to military alliances under the US and the Soviet Union's respective leadership.

"Yes."

The brunette shivered as she continued, "Does that mean attacking a NERV facility might start a nuclear war?"

"After Mister Megaton used four nuclear weapons against the mass production Evangelions-- and Lilith-- I doubt it'll be our concern." 'We'll die long before it becomes a concern,' Misato didn't say-- didn't need to say, because Maya and Makoto shared her thoughts.

"Actually, Pilot Ikari used a MOAB on Lilith, not a fourth WMD," Makoto corrected. "Good thing the Second Angel didn't deploy an AT field."

"Thank God for small favors."

"By the way, what does the 'chain of command' look like?" Hyuga asked. 'God, Allah, or whoever guides our fate, don't let my duties come between Misato-san and I. Give me a chance to win her heart.'

"It's marginally more organized than the Security Council itself. I command the organization and any Eva-- Eviscerator, Stormbringer, Flying Dildo, or whatever the Soviets and Chinese call their fighting machines-- stationed here. But," the tactician emphasized the word, "the US, Soviet, and Chinese governments can override my authority, and recall their Evangelions at any time, for any reason-- except to attack another Security Council member."

"And the battalions stationed here?"

"I have the same authority over them, subject to the same conditions," Misato answered. 'Good riddance. I could barely handle "Mister Megaton" Ikari; I do not want responsibility for another trigger-happy lunatic.'

"Does the UN-- do the Security Council members still trust Japan to host NERV Headquarters and the Evangelions? Or will Japan become a puppet state, as it was after World War II?" Makoto continued.

"Don't be silly! The Security Council put Katsuragi-san and you-- two Japanese citizens-- in command." Maya declared.

"I didn't get the job because the Security Council trusted me. If the politicians are honest, they'll admit they want to-- what's the term, 'Keep their friends close, and their enemies closer,'-- meaning this place is a prison to us," Misato stated.

"Does that mean there will be no Japanese pilots for the Evangelions stationed here?" Makoto wondered.

"We get to keep Kensuke-kun, and whoever's stupid or suicidal enough to accept the position of reserve pilot. As trigger-happy, nuke-happy lunatics, the Americans, Soviets, and Chinese will have more than enough to 'put us in our place' if we act suspiciously." Like military officers of the nations she mentioned, Misato dismissed the European Union's Eva pilots as pacifists-- "pussies" to Americans like Shinji.

"Pilot Ikari is running away?"

"I doubt it." The brunette met a skeptical Hyuga's eyes. "Ikari-kun wants be a US Army Special Forces operator when he grows up. He just doesn't want to pilot, I quote, 'A funerary urn full of jet fuel, so I'll be cremated alive when the enemy hits that bull's eye-- with a tactical nuclear weapons.'"

Makoto began, "Then the American pilot..."

Ling-- wearing a US Air Force uniform, her shoulder patch framing the B-3 Stormbringer's silhouette with the words "AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE" and "WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU"-- moonwalked into the Command Center.

"And the whole world has to answer right now! Just to tell you once again-- who's bad?" the 13th Child sang, before spinning about to salute Misato. "Brevet Second Lieutenant Lingbo Ling, reporting as ordered."

"Oh hell," Misato and Hyuga simultaneously cursed, knowing the 13th Child was as trigger-happy as the pilot she replaced.

Maya said, "At least she's on our side," with optimism she didn't feel; her unspoken, 'I hope,' was a thought the others shared.

***

N00B GOOD RIDDANCE EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010-2011. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Starship inspired by Gene Roddenberry's 'Star Trek'. Gundamn inspired by Sotsu, Sunrise, and MBS's creation. Lyrics by Michael Jackson. Gunblade based on Nomura Tetsuya's design for Square Enix. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

Kaoru held Shinji's hand as the former Evangelion-turned-Eviscerator-turned-Stormbringer pilot marched through a shopping mall in Fayetteville, North Carolina. "I'll never leave your side," the gray-haired albino swore.

"We're a bit young to exchange vows," Shinji noted. "Besides, your parents--"

"I have one foster parent: Keel Lorenz, Herr 'Loony who thinks the human race should be exterminated or go extinct, to save the planet Earth,' himself. He's a dead man walking; I do not want to become 'collateral damage' when Herr Sidewinder hunts down my foster father."

"Good point."

Boom! With that, a white robot-- the ZOMG-11X Freeman Gundamn-- crashed through a wall.

"Not again," Kaoru cried as debris hammered her AT field, interrupting the former Eva pilots' reverie.

The Gundamn's loudspeakers amplified its pilot's "Mitsuo K. Fukuda! Strikes a blow! Against tyrants, war profiteers, and America-- I mean aggressors!" to painful levels. The robot held an energy sword, a laser rifle, and a rocket launcher in each shaking hand.

Shinji frowned at the weapons in the Gundamn's overburdened hands. "How can the pilot expect to use his weapons with any accuracy?"

"I think we have more important things to worry about, than to help the Gundamn pilot improve his marksmanship," the gray-haired albino deadpanned.

Mitsuo continued to rant against the author. "Where is the war criminal, Sidewinder?! Show yourself, you coward!" The Gundamn pilot fired a warning shot, collapsing part of the ceiling. "Ite!" he cried as the robot was buried under the rubble.

Kaoru erected an AT field, shielding the former Eva pilots from harm. "Herr Sidewinder lives in California, ja?"

"He was stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina-- right in the neighborhood-- when he was in the Army," Shinji explained. "The Gundamn pilot's intel is seriously out of date."

The Gundamn struggled to free itself. "Fine! Then I'll destroy your hiding place! In the name of freedom, peace, and Japan-- I mean justice!" The robot struggled to free its arms.

"Herr Sidewinder is needlessly cruel towards the parody of a parody. How can the Gundamn pilot-- by extension, the studio-- be stupid enough to wage a war of aggression, in the name of peace?" the albino wondered.

"Have you seen 'Gundamn SEEDY'-- Mister Fukuda's work?"

"No."

"Mister Sidewinder has. Trust me when I say Fukuda-- by extension, the studio-- is stupid enough."

"Very well." With that...

*

Golden light enveloped Kaoru. "What...?" The light dimmed, letting her see the metal walls of a bridge she now stood on. "What the hell was that?!"

"A transporter beam," Shinji answered. "We're aboard a starship."

"Affirmative." The speaker wore an armored spacesuit; she resembled a crocodile standing on her tail, her jaws around a human head. "Welcome aboard the GGV Western Han. I am Vice Admiral Aurelia Liu."

"GGV?" the albino wondered.

"Gonghe Government Vessel."

"Gung-Ho," Kaoru mispronounced the Chinese word, adding, "the author's self-insert republic?"

"Affirmative." She opened a Bible to Deuteronomy 17:2, and began reading, "If there is found among you, within any of your gates which the Lord your God gives you, a man or a woman who has been wicked in the sight of the Lord your God, in transgressing His covenant..." At those words, the Gundamn appeared on the viewscreen.

"And it is told you, and you hear of it, then you shall inquire diligently. And if it is indeed true and certain that such an abomination has been committed..." Crosshairs were projected over the robot.

"Then you shall bring out to your gates that man or woman who has committed that wicked thing, and you shall stone that man or woman to death." The starship's gun turrets traversed, locked onto the robot, and hammered the Gundamn with phaser beams.

"Whoever is deserving of death, shall be put to death on the testimony of two or three witnesses; he shall not be put to death on the testimony of one witness.

"The hands of the witnesses shall be the first against him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So you shall put away the evil from among you," the starship captain finished. The phaser cannons ceased firing, once the Gundamn and its pilot were atomized.

"How cruel," Kaoru commented.

"He got off lightly," Shinji added. "In 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos', an internet troll named 'Stark' was caught in an air strike, forcing him to take shelter in a pit latrine. A stray shot castrated him, tore holes in his intestines, and left him incontinent; days later, he was forced to eat his own cock and balls."

The albino sighed. "I get the point."

[Sidewinder]

"Are you insane?"

Keel frowned at the American representative to NERV. "You dare...?"

"Operation Revelations consumed our entire budget, and more. I had to declare bankruptcy-- we all declared bankruptcy. How are we supposed to achieve Instrumentality, when we can barely keep the bank from foreclosing our homes?"

"When we achieve Instrumentality, money will cease to be a concern."

"If we achieve Instrumentality-- the author clearly indicated he is opposed to that plan, with weapons of mass destruction! How can we fight an American gun nut?"

"You're American," Keel countered.

"I'm an American liberal. My political slogans are 'Ban all guns!' 'Nuclear disarmament now!' and 'Down with capitalism!' What kind of partners did you expect to find for the Human Instrumentality Project?"

"Partners with more backbone than you."

The American representative sighed. "If you were trying to bait me, you failed-- and whatever punishment you can deliver, pales in comparison to what the author can and will do. Now, if you'll excuse me," he put a shot glass and a whiskey bottle on his desk, "I need to drown my sorrows." The man logged off, before the SEELE leader could reply.

"Damn you, Sidewinder! Damn you to helllll!" Keel began hammering the keyboard, venting his anger onto his computer. He didn't stop until mechanical noises became too loud to ignore-- by now, the keyboard was broken in two, littering the floor with dislocated keys-- drawing the SEELE leader's attention to the window.

"Shutters, open." At Keel's command, the window shutters parted to show a Jeep DJ-5A and two Grumman LLVs-- mail trucks-- approach his office. "What the hell...?"

Laser cannons extended from the jeep's roof; one of the walls surrounding Keel's mansion, was quickly reduced to a rubble pile. The mail trucks used the pile as a ramp, launched off the ground, and transformed in midair-- the Jeep into a she-wolf with two shoulder-mounted lasers, the LLVs into robot bears with shoulder-mounted grenade launchers-- and crashed through the window.

The jeep-turned-wolf drew a blazing red sword. "First-Class Mail comes for Keel Lorenz's head!" the female robot shouted, as the bears drew power axes.

Keel was no coward; upon seeing the killer robots, he drew a Walther PPK semiautomatic pistol, and shot at the she-wolf named "First-Class Mail," only for the robot to parry the incoming bullet.

"Never shoot a berserker, unless you bring enough gun," First-Class mail taunted, parrying bullets until the SEELE leader emptied the magazine. Then the she-wolf severed the legs, each bear severed an arm, and the berserkers fell upon a dismembered Keel.

"Target One eliminated," a bear reported as he stood over Keel's disemboweled, decapitated body.

"Onwards to Target Two." With that, the berserkers stealthily left, in contrast to their loud entrance.

*

Kensuke lay on his back. "No fair," he breathed.

"What's no fair?" Toji asked as the boys lay on the roof, watching the clouds floating overhead.

"Shinji got to setoff five nuclear weapons! Five! After all I endured to become an Eva pilot-- I literally paid a leg for this privilege-- I've yet to setoff a single WMD!" The bespectacled boy was near tears.

"Count your Goddamn blessings. At least you didn't have monsters and giant robots popping out of your head."

"I'd rather have giant robots pop out of my head, than to die with the regret--"

"That you never got to setoff a nuke? Kensuke, people die in wars! Even Shinji-- an American gun nut-- knows that! Get your head out of the clouds, and smell the Goddamn napalm!"

Kensuke sighed again. "I wish I was born in..." A shadow fell over him. "What the...?" Then a shapely butt landed on his face. "Oomph!"

"What the...?" Then a skydiver landed on Toji's lap, interrupting the sports jock. "Oomph!" Toji struggled free of the entangling parachutes, to see a redhead sitting on his lap, and a brunette straddling Kensuke's face. "Who the hell...?"

"Hi," the brunette greeted as she turned to face Kensuke. "I like the way you smell." She leaned over to sniff the bandages on the bespectacled boy's head.

The redhead cried, "Sexual harassment! Sexual harassment!" as she strangled the jock.

"Smell?" Kensuke felt like a mouse under a cat's paw. "You like the smell of the blood, antiseptics, and prescription painkillers?"

"You smell like LCL." The brunette's face was red, as if sexually aroused. "I like the smell of LCL."

"Are you?!" Toji finish the sentence, finally free of the redhead's hands.

"I'm Mari Makinami-Illustrious, pilot of Evangelion Unit 05," the brunette answered.

"I'm Asuka Langley-Shikinami, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02! I am your doom, sex offender!" the redhead shouted, and then lunged at Toji.

"I thought your name was Soryu?" Kensuke wondered.

Asuka turned to the bespectacled boy. "The studio changed my name in the 'Rebuild of Evangelion' movies!" she referred to the remakes. "Stupid Anno!"

"If you're here to save the world, you're too late. The last Angel defected to the side of humanity; any chance to initiate a Third Impact, was vaporized in a nuclear fire; and the hero of the day, Ikari Shinji, just went back to America," Toji said to distract the redhead, so she wouldn't strangle him.

"What?! But Project Eva remains active!" Asuka protested.

"It's now developing weapons useful against human beings." The jock pointed up. "Read the Goddamn story. Now excuse me," he rose to his feet and walked away from the redhead, "I must answer the call of nature," 'I mean the rule of nature: survive the Goddamn jungle.'

Asuka met Mari's eyes. "What do we do now?"

"Can you first get off my chest?" Kensuke asked. "I can barely breathe here."

The redhead frowned. "I knew he was gay."

"Am not!" the bespectacled boy protested. The conversation degenerated, Mari giggling as Asuka accused the boy of homosexuality, and Kensuke denying the same.

The argument ended with Toji cursing, "Oh shit!" followed by a roar. A burning red ax cut a hole in the roof, as a robot bear emerged from the floor below.

"Priority Mail comes for...!" The berserker turned to Asuka and Mari. "What's the name of the Japanese representative to SEELE?" He watched girls faced each other, and shrugged. "I need a meat shield," Priority Mail said, reaching for the Fourth Child. "You'll do."

"Noooo!" Kensuke crawled away from the metal paw. "Not again!" he cried as the bear's claws closed upon his ankle. With that, the story ended as it began-- a break in the Fourth Wall, bringing misfortune for a bespectacled man.

***

The end.

Starship inspired by Franz Joseph's design for Gene Roddenberry's 'Star Trek'. 'Transformers' created and owned by Hasbro and Takara-Tomy.

[Sidewinder]

I edited the last scene, so the ending will be more appropriate for n00b Genesis Evangelion.