Troubled - Fundie Romance??

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-02-28 12:05am

Well, I guess it was meant to happen after spending so much time on this board. But I met a nice young lady who called me out of the blue after not hearing from her for 8 years. She says she found my number in her phone book and decided to give me a call.

Anyway, we've been chatting for over two weeks now and have gone out to dinner and I suddenly find myself VERY attracted to her. She's just my type too...5', 100 pounds, used to be an aerobics instructor....(Yes, I like them petite) and more importantly she laughs at my jokes, smiles all the time and is a genuinely caring and sharing person BUT she is a born again Christian and there is no escaping that. She is VERY into her religious life, going to services twice a week, etc.

For her credit she has never tried to push her religion on me, or done any typical fundie things but sometimes she says things that I have to bite my tongue. I avoid debating her because I know A) I'll tear her apart and its obvious her religion has given her a lot of hope and self esteem B) I'll be a typical asshole for just tearing into a person's beliefs.

I guess what I'm saying is that can I seperate the fundie from the wonderful woman that she is? Can I have a relaitonship with a person whose belief system creeps me out and makes me wary? I guess just by the fact that I'm worried about it is a warning sign, but I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has at least tried to have a reltionship with a person like that.

Please, no fucking insults about her or her intelligence, that shit is uncalled for, I just want to know what people think about the relationship not HER.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-02-28 12:09am

Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-02-28 12:14am

It will be very difficult. There will come a point where one of you is probably going to have to change their beliefs.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-02-28 12:16am

Durran Korr wrote:Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.

So now Christianity is insane...

I see this again and again, an inability, or simple refusal, to distinguish between extreem fundamentalists and other Christians.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-02-28 12:17am

Alyrium Denryle wrote:It will be very difficult. There will come a point where one of you is probably going to have to change their beliefs.

Yes, there will come a time when one of you will have to sway at least a bit in the other direction, although there is no telling what direction it will be.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-02-28 12:19am

Durran Korr wrote:Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.

Didn't you know? The women always changes the man, the man merely gives her bad habits.

Insanity?

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-02-28 12:20am

Durran Korr wrote:Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.

Perfect!

And Fundy Christianity is insane, So are the Fundyized versions of most religions.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-02-28 12:21am

[Grandiose voice]

LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES, WHITHER THEY BE DISTANCE, FAMILY, OR RELIGION!!!!

[/End grandiose voice]

I think it can work out somewhat. Why don't you go ahead and give it a try?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-02-28 12:21am

If her self-esteem is totally based on her new found faith, you're eventually going to run into some trouble.

If you want her to not be so, out there, you're going to have to find something else for her to base her self-esteem on, hopefully herself.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-02-28 12:24am

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Durran Korr wrote:Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.
Perfect!

And Fundy Christianity is insane, So are the Fundyized versions of most religions.

Can someone define exactly "fundie" to me? People seem to be using it in different ways. When I think of fundamentalists I think of people screaming JIHAD!! When I think of when someone says they're Christian, I think it's someone who's trying their best to live by the Bible. Not those annoying little Jehovah witnesses or judgmental freaks out there.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-02-28 12:25am

Oh, and btw I just remembered MY boyfriend is a self-professed Christian Fundy. (we use a much-overhauled definition of "fundy" tho.) He believes in J.C.'s teachings and nothing more, no Leviticus, no bigotry, no bullshit. He still tries to get me to accept J.C. as my lord and savior at times...

It still is weird when he calls himself a fundamentalist after long stints here at SDnet...

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-02-28 12:26am

Trytostaydead wrote:
Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Durran Korr wrote:Unless she asks you to compromise your values (which she hasn't yet, as you said) there shouldn't be a problem. If anything you can gradually, non-forcefully try to sway her to at least adopt a slightly less insane belief system. If you feel strongly enough about her, go for it.
Perfect!

And Fundy Christianity is insane, So are the Fundyized versions of most religions.
Can someone define exactly "fundie" to me? People seem to be using it in different ways. When I think of fundamentalists I think of people screaming JIHAD!! When I think of when someone says they're Christian, I think it's someone who's trying their best to live by the Bible. Not those annoying little Jehovah witnesses or judgmental freaks out there.

That is generally how I see it. I am Christian, but, I do not go out and start judging people, cause that isn't my place.

As I said earlier though, there seems to be an indistinction between the two on here by some...

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-02-28 12:29am

Just to be clear, she is a born again Christian, believing much like Einy's boyfriend that Christ is her personal Lord and savior and she has surrendered her life to Christ and his teachings.

She is NOT raving, she does not preach, she does not hand out pamphlets. So she is not the raving loon fundie we think of off the bat when we say Fundie. But she is a fundamentalist in her belief system. God, though she is fun to be with.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-02-28 12:32am

Stravo wrote:Just to be clear, she is a born again Christian, believing much like Einy's boyfriend that Christ is her personal Lord and savior and she has surrendered her life to Christ and his teachings.

She is NOT raving, she does not preach, she does not hand out pamphlets. So she is not the raving loon fundie we think of off the bat when we say Fundie. But she is a fundamentalist in her belief system. God, though she is fun to be with.

And I say again, what is wrong with that? If she's truly trying to follow Christ, outside of the lack of action you'll be getting unless you marry her, she'll be a better person out of it.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-02-28 12:35am

Stravo wrote:Just to be clear, she is a born again Christian, believing much like Einy's boyfriend that Christ is her personal Lord and savior and she has surrendered her life to Christ and his teachings.

She is NOT raving, she does not preach, she does not hand out pamphlets. So she is not the raving loon fundie we think of off the bat when we say Fundie. But she is a fundamentalist in her belief system. God, though she is fun to be with.

So? I am a fundamentalist, in a sense, seeing that I believe in the fundamentals of Christianity, but, I am not necessarily in the normal sense of the term. I think that there should be some distinguishment between the two when used in conversation. Just say Christian instead of Fundie, not that much harder

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-02-28 12:36am

Trytostaydead wrote:
Stravo wrote:Just to be clear, she is a born again Christian, believing much like Einy's boyfriend that Christ is her personal Lord and savior and she has surrendered her life to Christ and his teachings.

She is NOT raving, she does not preach, she does not hand out pamphlets. So she is not the raving loon fundie we think of off the bat when we say Fundie. But she is a fundamentalist in her belief system. God, though she is fun to be with.
And I say again, what is wrong with that? If she's truly trying to follow Christ, outside of the lack of action you'll be getting unless you marry her, she'll be a better person out of it.

The problem is that there are things she talks about sometimes that irks me, her absolute unshakable belief in certain portions of the bible without a fundamental knowledge of it. The fact that she really thinks Matthew Mark Luke and John were the real authors of the bible, things of the nature that make me want to challenge her and I don't want to do that.
Can I eventually get over that hurdle or is this doomed from the start?

As I said, this is not meant to bash fundies, I am a believer, this is meant to try and get a feel if anyone has experienced something similair (Einy's example giving me hope)

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-02-28 12:37am

Stravo wrote:Just to be clear, she is a born again Christian, believing much like Einy's boyfriend that Christ is her personal Lord and savior and she has surrendered her life to Christ and his teachings.

She is NOT raving, she does not preach, she does not hand out pamphlets. So she is not the raving loon fundie we think of off the bat when we say Fundie. But she is a fundamentalist in her belief system. God, though she is fun to be with.

I think that if both of you work at it, and you truly love each other, you will get past the hurtles. Of course, I also think that you shouldn't try to take her faith away from her, and, from what I have seen, I do not think you would do that.

I am a fundamentalist, in a sense, seeing that I believe in the fundamentals of Christianity, but, I am not necessarily in the normal sense of the term. I think that there should be some distinguishment between the two when used in conversation. Just say Christian instead of Fundie, not that much harder

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-02-28 12:43am

Well, faith is a funny thing. It's intangible, completely unreasonable, yet a force so strong that it can move a person to give up their life for strangers.

So, faith in the Bible is like that. After a while, picking and choosing what you want to believe doesn't become faith at all, it's your own reasoning and then it stops being faith. It's a package deal.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-02-28 12:49am

Trytostaydead wrote:Well, faith is a funny thing. It's intangible, completely unreasonable, yet a force so strong that it can move a person to give up their life for strangers.

So, faith in the Bible is like that. After a while, picking and choosing what you want to believe doesn't become faith at all, it's your own reasoning and then it stops being faith. It's a package deal.

No, faith is true faith if one knows what he is getting into. I've studied the bible, seen it's ugly side, its contradiction and outright silliness. Yet I choose to believe. She has not seen any of this. She does not KNOW what she is worshipping. That's what bugs me, its a blind faith without KNOWING.

I guess my Jesuit education is kicking in on this.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-02-28 12:52am

A point of view: I think religion, especially Christianity, is like a giant stake driven into the ground with many hooks attached to it. Everyone has a chain attached to themselves, and believers would hook their chain onto the stake of Christianity. Attached to this stake, the people can roam around but only as far as their faith lets them.

Sort of like Microsoft, I guess...you can change things only within their limits.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-02-28 12:53am

Stravo wrote:
No, faith is true faith if one knows what he is getting into. I've studied the bible, seen it's ugly side, its contradiction and outright silliness. Yet I choose to believe. She has not seen any of this. She does not KNOW what she is worshipping. That's what bugs me, its a blind faith without KNOWING.

I guess my Jesuit education is kicking in on this.

This is probably obvious, but I think you should one day confront her with this. Not overtly and directly, but more like,

"Hey, have you read this part of the bible? Kinda interesting in a way."

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-02-28 12:57am

It sounds like it'll be pretty tough, Stravo. You might be able to pull it off, but you have to remember that having religious convictions is like having another job, and sometimes even more than that. You have to evaluate for yourself how much you are willing to change your lifestyle to accomodate hers, and decide if you think she is willing to meet you somewhere in the middle.

In my experience, no one can change themselves for someone else--they may only change their habits. Thus, you'll have to be careful and make sure that both of you understand what the differences between you entail, and decide if you are willing to give it a try. Best of luck, Stravo. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, with this.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-02-28 12:57am

Shinova wrote:
Stravo wrote:
No, faith is true faith if one knows what he is getting into. I've studied the bible, seen it's ugly side, its contradiction and outright silliness. Yet I choose to believe. She has not seen any of this. She does not KNOW what she is worshipping. That's what bugs me, its a blind faith without KNOWING.

I guess my Jesuit education is kicking in on this.
This is probably obvious, but I think you should one day confront her with this. Not overtly and directly, but more like,

"Hey, have you read this part of the bible? Kinda interesting in a way."

I agree that if I wanted to thats the way I would proceed. But at the same time, do I have a right to or am I being selfish for wanting to change her if she (at least to this point) does not want to change me?

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2003-02-28 12:59am

The only thing I can say as of right now Stravo is that you will have to confront Lord Vader again. Err, wait, wrong pupil. You will have to just talk with her about your views, and just come to an understanding. Thinking of that, don't you have a kid? If so that has to be discussed as well. Either way you look at it, it's something you'll have to grin and bear, bite your toungue, clench your teeth. You get the idea.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-02-28 01:03am

1. She looked you up. She saw something in you that she wanted to see again.

2. When you actually enter into a relationship, if you're not there yet, you're going to have to talk to her about how you view things.

3. Till then, I would grin and bear it. It seems like you're looking to make the effort, you just need to make sure she is before discussing things.