Let's play: Buzz Aldrin's Race Into Space

[Scottish Ninja]

You know what's interesting? IRL, the USSR only lost 7 cosmonauts (Soyuz 1, Soyuz 11 and three training accidents...

Officially, anyway. I don't know how much stock I want to put into the whole Lost Cosmonauts theories, but it's pretty scary if it were true, especially comparing it to the Zenobian space program here.

I'm not hunchbacked.

Not yet.

[Akhlut]

Actually, Comrade Ivanovich, one of the things I think you might be well suited for is the first Zenobian spacewalk...

Of course, that's most feasible once we have, uh, reliable rockets. Very reliable. Very, very reliable.

Can we send up some dogs or monkeys or Thanasians from the gulags in capsules first to make sure they are most survivable first? Preferably we'd send the Thanasians first, then the monkeys and dogs.

[Scottish Ninja]

I don't know. Do we really want to risk the lives of innocent monkeys and dogs?

We can always find more Thanasians.

[Karza]

However, I must insist that I am not burnt out or hung over. I am exhausted, because I am working my ass off here trying to get this thing to work on the schedule set by von Evilstein.

A Zenobian without a hangover... Good one comrade director, I'll have to remember that.

[Simon_Jester]

Comrade Karzanovski, I am actually not much of a drinker.

I may be to some slight extent hung over, but I assure you it is indistinguishable from the effects of natural background radiation in Zenobia. Now, if you will excuse me, I am trying to finish this documentation of difficulties with the heat shield design, so as to ensure that you do not die in a fire. Good day, comrade, and I apologize about the typo with your name.

Unmanned capsule tests are certainly an option, and according to news intercepts the Murcans are planning to do exactly that.

Herr Doktor von Evilstein, on the other hand, is in a hurry.

[PeZook]

Okay, von Evilstein, final call. Who flies on Vostok I and II in Fall 1959?

[OmegaChief]

As he should be, we cannot allow a gap to form in the space race, we must secure space for the glorious peopels revolution, not let those Murican pigdogs turn it into a free market captialist wasteland.

Imagine it comrade, the horror of capitalsit beeping from orbit or giant orbital advertising boards, this horror we cannot allow!

[Shroom Man 777]

A DRUNK STANISLAV SHROOMANSKI staggers to SYRGY PAVLYLYVCH and EMBRACES HIM in a MIGHTY BEAR HUG

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY COMRADE!" SHROOMANSKI SHOUTS

THE BONES IN SYRGY PAVLYLYVCH'S BACK POP

SYRGY PAVLYLYVCH TRIES to SCREAM but his VOICE is MUFFLED

FINALLY the PREMIER RELEASES SYRGY PAVLYLYVCH and PRESENTS SOMETHING to HIM

"THIS IS MY GIFT TO YOU, MY FRIEND, THE MARSHAL'S BATON!"

STANISLAV SHROOMANSKI GIVES SYRGY PAVLYLYVCH a HALF-EATEN CORN

ALSO he will FIND OUT that his CHRONIC BACK PAIN is GONE and his POSTURE has IMPROVED due to COMMUNIST CHAIRMAN COMRADELY COMMISSARIAL CHIROPRACTIC CONSTRICTION
Spoiler

Happy birthday SIMONS

[Akhlut]

Comrade Commissar, please! Do not speak of such horrific things! I do not wish to think about the Murcans carving a giant Coca-Cola logo into the moon instead of Lennon's smiling face!

[Simon_Jester]

Spoiler

Awww, thanks Shroomy.

Technically my birthday is tomorrow, but I guess my birthday has already started over where you are and just needs to run around the world a ways to get to me.

[FaxModem1]

Modem Jr had visons of Evil Zenobians in his family's farm, parachuting in from their beeping satellites. That woke him with a start.

Even with a broken leg. Fax Modem Jr was back and ready to participate in the Murcan Spacerace.

[OmegaChief]

Comrade Commissar, please! Do not speak of such horrific things! I do not wish to think about the Murcans carving a giant Coca-Cola logo into the moon instead of Lennon's smiling face!

Now you understand what will happen should this program fail, now work, twice as hard! To preserve space for the people!

[FaxModem1]

Using crutches and his IV dragging behind him as he moves, Fax Modem makes it to the mission control room to talk to leaders, to let them know he's ready to be put back in the roster.

[PeZook]

CHAPTER 3: WE CANNOT ALLOW AN [INSERT] GAP!
Time is: Spring 1959

MURCA
THE CAPE

"...and they will beg for more!"

The brains behind MASA nodded in agreement. They said nothing, because throughout the meeting, director Johnny von Braun scowled mercilessly at anything louder than a whisper. Didn't seem to bother him during an impassioned speech he just gave, upon reading the technical reports.

"Program approved! Make sure those Zenobians feel the pain!"

"HOOOAH!", Astronaut Hardbeef yelled at the director, almost making him lose consciousness. Nobody knew where the well-endowed, hard-muscled Murcan came from, but before anyone could ask, he was well on his way to the astronaut training center, running like a quarterback to bring the good news.

It was on!

Code: Select all

Current funds: 60 megabucks

Current astronaut roster: 
MODEMJR (WASHOUT, INJURED)
FLASHHEART - CAP 1, LM 0, EVA 2, DOCK 1, END 1
CUNTSER - CAP 3, LM 1, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 1 
MCCAIN - CAP 4, LM 1, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 1 
KELLY - CAP 3, LM 0, EVA 0, DOCK 2, END 2 
HARDBEEF - CAP 3, LM 0, EVA 0, DOCK 0, END 2
OHJESUS - CAP 3, LM 1, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 1

Programs running: Explorer, Atlas, Mercury

Launch pads: 2

Scheduled missions: Launch pad A, orbital satellite
                            Launch pad B, orbital satellite

ZENOBIA
BAIKONUREK

Evil stalked the corridors of the administrative bunker. Corridors were fronts and fields of battle.

Battle waged not with bayonetts and grenades, like the great battles of Ztalingred and Mubodanka, but with pieces of paper, angry memos, clever retorts, meeting scheduled at off hours and well-kept activity logs. There was also the occasional thrown coffee mug and/or greased floor.

Also, zombies. Oh wait no that was just comrade Syrgy Pavylyvych, haunting the corridors in his rare break from constant labor at the various laboratories and assembly plants.

Doctor von Evilstein seemed angry, or just eager, but he set an overbearing schedule. Six months - in just six months,the crew of Baikonurek was supposed to prepare not one,but two manned Vostok launches.

Syrgy Pavylyvych's famous pessimism was not exactly helping.

But through mighty socialist labor and feats of the New Zenobian spirit, he would persevere, and if there was anything he could do to help having a cosmonaut, well, not die, he'd do just that. And the work was proceeding smoothly.



His overwork and rushed schedule, however, meant he somewhat neglected one of the two A-Series rockets being prepared for a satellite launch. He did not, however, realize that...

Elsewhere, astronauts were removed from basic training and quickly spirited away to train on cardboard mock-ups of the Vostok capsule, that was being hastily prepared for its first suborbital flight. Two crews were formed:

Vostok I: Faabio/Titov
Vostok II: Dostarovski/Ivanov

Code: Select all

Current funds: 75 megabucks

Current astronaut roster:
KARZANOVSKI - CAP 4, LM 0, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 2
IVANOV - CAP 4, LM 2, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 1
FAAABIO  - CAP 2, LM 0, EVA 2, DOCK 0, END 3
DOSTAROVASKI - CAP 2, LM 0, EVA 1, DOCK 1, END 3
IVANOVICH - CAP 2, LM 1, EVA 2, DOCK 2, END 3
NIKOV - CAP 4, LM 0, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 2
TITOV - CAP 3, LM 1, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 1

Programs running: Sputnik, A-Series, Vostok

Launch pads: 2

Scheduled missions: Launch pad A, orbital satellite
                            Launch pad B, orbital satellite

***



MISSIONS LAUNCH
SPUTNIK VII, APRIL 1959

The mood in the control room was quite elated. After the last succesful launch numerous improvements were made to the A-series rocket.

Everything went smoothly. With no technical issues whatsoever, the Zenobian Onion now replaced their first satellite in orbit: and thus, the beeping would continue to rain on the face of humanity.

Forever

***
EXPLORER III, APRIL 1959

"Well, people, we better get this right this time!", Johnny von Braun's hangover was gone. He was full of optimism for this pair of missions. They've done everything they could to ensure its success.

The command bunker watched at the Atlas rocket ignited, and slowly accelerated. Especially two guys with really large binoculars, standing outside. They were sure to get some bitchin' photos, not like the grainy black and white ones the crew had to watch on the big screen.


"All systems nominal...roll maneuver executed...we are right on the line..."

"Stand by for staging..."

"Staging completed. Stage two ignition nominal. Burning for orbit."


"Hardware powering on...initiating transmission..."

The command room's speakers began to blare bitchin' Murcan Rock And Roll. The volume was deliberately set to drown out the inferior Sputnik and its horrible communist beeping.

It was on



The control crew rose and began to chest-butt and butt-slap each other, congratulating themselves on a good game. Even Johnny von Braun felt a slap on the butt, quickly followed by a confused "Sorry, sir" from Sam Francisco.

***
EXPLORER IV, JUNE 1959

The launch two months later did not go so well, though. Explorer III's blaring had not ceased yet, when catastrophe struck.




"No! NO!"

At least the pad was okay. Whew.

***
SPUTNIK VIII, JUNE 1959

Pad B was crawling with technical crews. Cosmonaut Karzanovski was doing his refuelling duty, handling cryogenically stored chemicals with great care. He snuck away for a smoke to a crew bunker nearby.

The launch had a feel of almost routine calm to it. Everybody knew the Semyorka very well by now. Nobody expected that a small Programmable Current Distributor was accidentally not reset after the last pre-launch test. It was left in a post-launch configuration.

A technician attached the batteries, according to procedure.

[HMS Sophia]

Sam Francisco decided his drawing board was the best place to go to hide his shame. After all, the rockets apparently needed more work...

[Eternal_Freedom]

Shite. Oh well, at least we got some Murcan bitchin' Rock and Roll into orbit to drown out that fucking beeping.

Continue the R&D on the Mercury capsule, 6 teams.

Also, schedule two unmanned Mercury/Atlas launches for Fall 1959.

Two manned flights for Spring 1960 will have the folowing crews:

Mercury III - McCain/Kelly
Mercury IV - Hardbeef/Ohjesus

Also, commence Titan Project, three teams. We are going to need a more powerful rocket soon, and we may as well kick things off now whilst we have the funds available.

EDIT: If funds are still available, continue research on Atlas, two teams.

[OmegaChief]

... the entire pad?

Directors, I think we need to talk about who is being punished and how severly for this crime against the Motherland.

[Akhlut]

Perestroika! Glastnost! BORSCHT! This is terrible! I mean, it's not even a Thanasian orphanage blowing up!

[PeZook]

CHAPTER 3: WE CANNOT ALLOW AN [INSERT] GAP!
Time is: Fall 1959

MURCA
THE CAPE

"Hot damn. Man. They registered the blast all the way in Anglia? Shit!", Johnny von Braun was wondering what it meant. Had the Zenobians began nyukyular tests of devices to mount on their new rockets? Were they planning to shoot down the glorious Explorer satellite making its rounds around the globe? That would be pretty bad, as Director von Braun was told his astronauts liked to tune in and listen to the satellite's transmissions to pump themselves up before their morning runs.

But that was why he had to redouble the efforts, despite the bastards in Congress stealing his money, and his R&D teams still disheartened by their perception of MASA as a rigid bureacratic molass.




He was planning manned launches in the spring! Things had to turn around, and fast!

Code: Select all

Current funds: 21 megabucks

Current astronaut roster: 
MODEMJR (WASHOUT, INJURED, tried escaping from the hospital, back with nightstick bruises)
FLASHHEART - CAP 1, LM 0, EVA 4, DOCK 1, END 1
CUNTSER - CAP 3, LM 3, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 1 
MCCAIN - CAP 4, LM 1, EVA 2, DOCK 0, END 1 
KELLY - CAP 3, LM 1, EVA 0, DOCK 2, END 2 
HARDBEEF - CAP 3, LM 0, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 2
OHJESUS - CAP 4, LM 1, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 1

Programs running: Explorer, Atlas, Mercury

Launch pads: 2

Scheduled missions: None

ZENOBIA
BAIKONUREK

"Would comrade cosmonaut Karzanovski care to explain how he survived the blast?", comissar Omeganski was angry. His men were sifting through the wreckage of the incredibly expensive launch pad, blown apart after Soyuz VIII fired its third stage prematurely, causing a massive explosion and dozens of deaths.

"I was out for a smoke!", cosmonaut Karzanovski exclaimed, jingling his chains.

The glare from the comissar was deadly.

"I really was!"

"Sure you were, comrade. Who's your COLON handler? I want names!"

"I don't know any names!"

"You don't? What about your colleagues?"

"Well I know them, of course!"

"AHA! SO YOU DO KNOW NAMES, LIAR!"

The screaming and shouting and smashy noises from next door did not concern dr. von Evilstein much. He was used to those - his problems were far greater than some inferior Zenobian being abused by his own people.



With Launch Pad B completely destroyed, he would be unable to launch Vostok II this fall. Everything thus hinged on Vostok I, crewd by cosmonaut Fabio as the primary pilot, and Titov as the secondary.




The technical reports were also not that great. He'd have to call a meeting...hmm...perhaps the whole incident could be blamed on that bastard Pavylyvych? Hah! That was an idea...

Code: Select all

Current funds: 34 megabucks

Current astronaut roster:
KARZANOVSKI - CAP 4, LM 0, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 2
IVANOV - CAP 4, LM 2, EVA 0, DOCK 1, END 1 (VOSTOK/IV)
FAAABIO  - CAP 2, LM 0, EVA 2, DOCK 0, END 3 (VOSTOK/I)
DOSTAROVASKI - CAP 2, LM 0, EVA 1, DOCK 1, END 3 (VOSTOK/III)
IVANOVICH - CAP 2, LM 1, EVA 3, DOCK 2, END 3
NIKOV - CAP 4, LM 0, EVA 2, DOCK 0, END 2
TITOV - CAP 3, LM 1, EVA 1, DOCK 0, END 1 (VOSTOK/II)

Programs running: Sputnik, A-Series, Vostok

Launch pads: 1

Scheduled missions: Launch pad A, manned subortibal, Vostok I
                            Launch pad B, destroyed

Notes: Disaster strikes for the Zenobians! Oh noes, whatever shall they do?

Unfortunately, Murcans did not declare unmanned flights for fall 1959, so they won't fly that season. However, note that them keeping their astronauts in training seems to have paid off, as their skills are now pretty damn high.

From now on, you will also have to keep track of who is assigned to what program. I will makenotes of that in the roster, in the format PROGRAM/CREW NUMBER. No note means no program.

[Simon_Jester]

EDIT: PeZook's most recent post ninja'ed me while I was composing this.
_________

Comrade Syrgy Pavylyvych stalks into the meeting room, as soon as possible after the disastrous explosion at Pad B, hoping to get there before von Evilstein.

"Comrade commissar, I warned that something like this would happen, sooner or later. There are only so many men, so many minds on this base, and they can only do so much every day, even with the best will in the world. This rush to throw rockets into the air, as if we could fill up space and climb to the moon on a pile of the wreckage of our failed attempts, it cannot go on indefinitely. In the past two months alone we've lost two rockets, two satellites, the technical crews for Sputnik VIII, the entire Pad B launch complex flattened by the blast..."

He takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"For the same price in funding, we could have eighteen months' improvements to the Semyorka and have the thing almost as reliable as a Killyshnikov! These disasters have cost us as much as the entire first year of the Vostok program, and I repeat, this is in the past two months alone.

"We are throwing away precious time and money on these ill-considered launches. It cannot go on. Certainly not if we are to put men into space, rather than beeping footballs, magnetometers, and experimental animals..."

"I have done, and will do, everything I can. I must insist that we cancel the manned launches for next autumn, review and revamp the program with an eye to ruggedness and reliability of our hardware- but so long as the program's policy is set by a Thanasian slave-driver, there is only so much I can do."
__________

EDIT II: I will begin work on a plan for Fall 1959. Top priorities will be rocket R&D and scrubbing the manned launch of Vostok I; we are nowhere near ready and will not be barring miracles. Not after this shit. I'll try to get it done in the next few hours, PeZook.

[Simon_Jester]

PLAN KYRYLYV FALL 1959:

For the love of Marx, cancel those manned launches!

Budget: 34 MB

5 Teams research on A-Series Rocket: 10 MB
5 Teams research on Vostok Capsule: 5 MB
Begin Booster Stage Program (long term R&D): 15 MB

Total cost: 30 MB

Schedule no launches for Spring 1960; my earlier prediction that we could not get a manned capsule ready before 1961 without taking unconscionable risks seems borne out by our reliability problems. I still hold out some hope for Fall 1960, but that is the earliest I can expect a manned launch at this time.

The rest of our funds will be held in reserve- we don't have enough money to repair the pad this season, not without compromising critical development work. And there wouldn't be any point in doing so anyway, since there is no way in Hell that we should be doing any more launches in the upcoming season until we get the bugs hammered out of the rocket.

GAAAAH!

[Akhlut]

Comrade Pavylyvych, perhaps your rockets would work better if you did not include insects in them, da? Oh, you elitist scientists, you overthink things too much!

Also, are we Cosmonauts going to train some more or not? I'd like to know if I can return to my wife and kid soon. After all, I just recieved news that she just gave birth to a bouncing baby boy even though it has been nearly a year since the program started!

[OmegaChief]

The Commissar rather dramatically sets about loading his pistol

Comrade von Evilstien, I will give you the luxary of one chance to explain why I should not this isntant recommend we transfer Comrade Pavylyvych to your position, speak quickly.

[PeZook]

All astronauts and cosmonauts have graduated their training in fall 1959. The four cosmonauts assigned to the Vostok program have been yanked out earlier to form the primary and backup flight crews.

[Simon_Jester]

Comrade Pavylyvych, perhaps your rockets would work better if you did not include insects in them, da? Oh, you elitist scientists, you overthink things too much!

Also, are we Cosmonauts going to train some more or not? I'd like to know if I can return to my wife and kid soon. After all, I just recieved news that she just gave birth to a bouncing baby boy even though it has been nearly a year since the program started!

If an when the fear of imminent commissarial death subsides, Syrgy makes a note to set a team to construction of facilities for dependents of the Cosmodrome employees, most especially the cosmonauts themselves, as such a thing is very bad for morale.