T-rex vs Rabid Fundamentalist with 'Holy Sword'

Rathark · Post by **Rathark** » 2002-08-20 08:21am

April 2081: An increasingly demented recruiting officer for the Church of the True Creation has had enough of the local clone zoo. It is not the exploitation of the animals that is his gripe - after all, it is Man's duty to lord over the inferior denizens of the Lord's Creation. No, it is the very EXISTENCE of the clones that incenses him. Their existence, their international popularity, the constant science-fuelled media hype surrounding them is "confirming" to billions that the Earth is hundreds of millions of years old, and not 6000 years as stated in the Bible. Worse still, Sue the T-rex (just fully grown, well fed and healthy) has for years been a celebrity of the highest rank, her fierce striped pose adorning T-shirts and cereal boxes and full immersion games. How dare the descendents of Adam and Noah, created in God's Own Image, revere the image of the Beast? Surely this foul scaled creature (and female as well!) is none other than the Serpent Itself, sent once again to the world of Man 6000 years after Eden to lead him astray the Blessed Path, to lead them as a False Shepherd into the unholy church of Science and Evolution!

But tonight, he is going to change all that.

He sits in his log cabin sharpening his Holy Sword, hand-inscribed with the names of the 12 Tribes of Israel - the Sword with which he shall smite the Beast in a matter of hours! It will be a fierce battle, one that would rival Saint George's slaying of the Dragon, or Saint Michael's duel with Lucifer, but he is certain he is up to the task. The Angel in his dreams confirmed it, so do the voices that whisper in both his ears even now. He shall have righteousness and the LORD on his side, and the Foul Beast would have only the Satanic lies of evolution and the illusion of science.

Tommorrow morning, all the world shall know of his victory.

All the world shall believe.

**********************************************************

So, what happens?

Let's assume that the fruit-loop really does break in to confront the rex (idiots today break into lion enclosures). Be as detailed, gruesome and creative as you want.

What would the news reports be like?

PS: I'm not taking the piss out of all Christians, just the silly ones. I believe in God myself.

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-08-20 08:52am

Sur the T-rex looks at the human and thinks that it's in her way. Steps on it. Gets jabbed in foor by pointy thing on the way. Keepers sedate her hand are fprced to bandage her foot and give her a huge version of one of those things they put on injured dogs, around the neck. Get well soon cards arrive at t-rex pen from children all over the world.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2002-08-20 08:54am

I'd imagine that the brain would be the most tender part of Mr. Fundie's body, due to lack of exercise.

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2002-08-20 11:57am

This will be fun:

We don't know anything at all about T-Rex sleep cycles, but since they're big and probably can't move too well in the dark, we'll assume they're diurnal. So Sue is sleeping when the Fundy breaks into the zoo. As he approaches, she smells him in her sleep, but she doesn't wake up because she's used to the smell of humans. He approaches her enclosure.

Because Sue is huge, insanely dangerous, and, like a crocodile, impossible to tame, her enclosure is thrity feet below ground level, with sheer concrete walls on all sides and a 15 foot high fence around the outer rim to keep stupid tourists out. Rex's enclosure is 3 acres, half trees, half open field (no grasses, just flowers and low shrubs, because grass didn't exist in the Mesozoic), with a lake fed by a stream in the middle (the stream is fed with cool, fresh water from the zoo's tanks).

The fundy cuts the fence with a blowtorch. He needs to take out three bars to fit. He sets the first two down on the ground, but misses the third one and it clangs its way down the side of the wall. Sue is awake.

Now the fundy must work quickly, in case the guards heard him. He hauls out his ropes and hooks and the like and rappels down the wall into the shrubbery at the base of the wall. In the meantime, Sue smells the intruder and she hears him too, and with her excellent vision, she can see him once he moves out of the shadows. Among other things, Tyrannosaurs were probably territorial, and she's a hunter who wouldn't mind something more challenging than a cow tied to a rope.

Just then, the fundy draws his sword and shouts out a challenge to the beast. Sue doesn't respond. He advances on the center of the enclosure. Still no Sue. He skirts around the edge of the lake, making his way towards the woods. He calls out another challenge. Sue doesn't respond.

Finally he advances on the woods, presuming that the beast is still sleeping. He brandishes his sword.

Sue roars and lunges out at the fundy, striking from the opposite side of his sword. It hardly matters. The fundy was moving slowly in the open with no attempt to evade, and Sue nails him perfectly, snapping her jaws shut around his head, shoulders and torso with enough bite pressure to crush the bones of other dinosaurs. The fundy is pupled. The sword, along with his right forearm, drops uselessly to the ground. Sue's teeth have split his hips, punctured his right kidney, his liver, both lungs, and crushed his spinal column in several places. Sue rears up with the fundy's limp corpse in her mouth, shakes her head violently (snapping his neck so savagely his head nearly flies off), then drops the bleeding, crushed mass to the ground. The fundy didn't even have time to scream. Sue bends over, uses her tiny forearms to pin the corpse to the ground, and begins tearing flesh and bone alike from the corpse. The fundy is so small she just eats him whole--her digestive system can handle a small amount of bone and cloth. The only thing she leaves is the sword--it smells funny.

In the morning, they tranquilize Sue to collect whatever blood and tissue samples they can. They debate whether or not to destroy her, since she's got a taste for human meat now, but they decide she was just doing what her instincts told her, and she's not going to start hunting human. The keepers are all warned to be even more careful around Sue (and the rest of the big carnivores, for that matter), and a sturdier fence is built around the rim of the enclosure. The sword is returned to the fundy's family. The only "body" is a few bone splinters, and considering where they'd been, the family decides to just bury a coffin full of sandbags.

When news gets out that Sue killed and ate a human, her popularity triples overnight. A few of the fundy's fellow wackjobs demand the Beast be destroyed, but the Rex is so popular the zoo can charge extra for admission just to see her. The fundys are allowed one prayer vigil by the side of the enclosure and they're chased out after half an hour when Sue comes out for a drink and one of them throws a stone at her.

Sue lives for another 25 years. Once, they tried to introduce a male into her enclosure, so they could make little baby Sues and Rexes, but they bungled it and Sue, by far bigger and stronger than Rex, killed him in a brief territory fight. She only ever ate one other human, a neo-Wiccan who somehow got into her enclosure to worship Sue as the Goddess personified. The nature-worshipper ended up becoming a more permanant part of nature than she intended.

IRG CommandoJoe · Post by **IRG CommandoJoe** » 2002-08-20 03:13pm

ROFLMFAO

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2002-08-20 08:59pm

heh, yeah, generally a trex can handle any mere human, even the insane ones. loved the introduction - it's fun to read how an overdose of religon disconnects you from reality.

David · Post by **David** » 2002-08-25 01:43pm

Thread unlocked for Rathark. For some reason I thought i was in SLMF and I locked it, apologies everyone ~ David

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2002-08-25 04:56pm

A sword isn't holy if it is carried by some wacko that gives God a bad name. The sword is like any other sword, and the Fundie either gets stomped, or Sue collapses because the Fundie weas at her legs for 10 hours. By then, the zoo would be open, and Mr. Fundie would be arrested.

Autochton · Post by **Autochton** » 2002-08-25 05:40pm

What would it take to bring Sue down?

My guess is, major lacerations, blood loss, punctured organs, might all do it given enough time. But there's a reason why dragons are traditionally slain from horseback with a lance. Otherwise, you simply won't have the reach!

If we assume that our hero has had enough sense to at least make it a two-handed holy sword he brought might actually cause Sue some discomfort with it, and might even inflict lethal injuries - right before being chewed to red, dribbly bits by her. There is largely no way that he can both kill her and escape with his life and all his limbs.

Anarchist Bunny · Post by **Anarchist Bunny** » 2002-08-25 07:31pm

The, what I like to call, Orb of Ignorance overwhelms even the Sue's small peanut brain and causes her to entangle herself in the eletric fence and die. The fundy is kept as the zoo's new attraction.

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2002-08-26 12:28am

The fundy wouldn't have a chance, even with a two handed sword. Even her jugular is four feet behind her teeth, never mind her heart or lungs.

consequences · Post by **consequences** » 2002-08-26 01:31am

The fundamentalist craftily sneaks into the enclosure, having taken all due precautions. He creeps up to the sleeping beast, and raises his two-handed sword high, with a silent prayer to God inHeaven to guide his blade to smite the foul abomination. As he tenses to swing, a lightning bolt comes down out of a completely cloudless sky, of just enough intensity to fry the moron for quite some length of time before he hits the ground, very, very dead. God then high fives Saint Peter, and they go back to their game of pool.

Evil Sadistic Bastard · Post by **Evil Sadistic Bastard** » 2002-08-26 02:08am

If it were a fundy with a holy MM1 grenade launcher , I might briefly consider watching the carnage. As it is:

Ted Fundy creeps into the pen, having secured the key with great vengeance and furious anger from the recalcitrant guard, who would not see the Light, the HeathenScumPuppy! He advances towards Sue, silently praying while raising the sword high. Sue stirs and trains a sleep-dulled eye on him.

" DIE ANTICHRISTIAN DEMONBEASTFROMHELL! I SMITE THEE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD GOD JESUS! "

The sword falls, slicing deep into Sue's neck. The vorpal blade goes snicker-snap... and the hilt remains in his hands. Sue, mildly irritated, rises up on her haunches and exhales breath stinking of rotting meat and carrion.

Ted Fundy gives a little "Eeep!" and runs like the dog that he is.