Let's Play: BERF CERTIFICATING IT UP

[Lonestar]

MOUNTAINSQUID wakes up from his alcohol induced stupor.




Oh my god i don't know what's going on

[Shroom Man 777]

FEELIPINO AGENT considers WHETHER to LET POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT LIVE or DIE

DECIDES that he has no BEEEFS with the POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT

UNLIKE THOSE FUCKERS who KILLED HIM

So he decides that the POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT shall LIVE

UNLIKE THOSE FUCKERS who KILLED HIM

FEELIPINO AGENT TOSSES an EPINEPHRINE AUTOINJECTOR at the QUIET STUDENT

FEELIPINO AGENT COMMANDS the QUIET STUDENT to inject the DRUG to the POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT

"Stab him in the dick. Now."

[Eternal_Freedom]

ENGLISH STUDENt and APRON-WEARING STUDENT have PROCEEDED to the LIBRARY.

A CURSORY SEARCH shows they are NOT WANTED.

"Right, first plan. Let's go buy some guns. I think there's a convinience store over there with a decent range of handguns."

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT snaps a SALUTE and BARKS OUT a "HAI!"

QUIET STUDENT makes with the DICK-STABBING.

[PeZook]

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT lets out a HEAD SPLITTING SHRIEK OF PAIN.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT has DEFEATED the dreaded ALLERGIC REACTION.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT sure HOPES he got some XP from that VICTORY.

[Force Lord]

PUERTO RICAN STUDENT WAKES UP. He feels REFRESHED, decides to take a STROLL to the PARK. But first, he makes a LONG-DISTANCE CALL to his FATHER, who is a ROCKET SCIENTIST.

[TimothyC]

REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT is as polite as possible while continually calling Lt. Castillo ADAMA. He gives a Stirring speech about AMERICA and how coruption is BAD.

He throws in bit about how POLISH STUDENT is only trying to learn how to make POLAND more like AMERICA.

[FaxModem1]

APRON WEARING STUDENT searches PHONEBOOK in LIBRARY for LOCAL GUN STORE.

[MKSheppard]

You are POLISH STUDENT, QUIET STUDENT, HUNGARIAN STUDENT, HIPPIE STUDENT, and PRISON NUERS.

POLISH STUDENT is undergoing a SEIZURE/REACTION to SOMETHING, while PRISON NUERS does all that he can do, which is to GIVE MORE TYNENOL.

Suddenly, the door to the JAIL CELL bangs OPEN.

FEELIPINO AGENT stands there. The smell of the toilet twitches an URGE within him to PLAY WITH IT, but he FIGHTS IT DOWN.

"Hello..." he says with the VOICE of SATAN. "Gentlemen."

QUIET STUDENT shouts "SHULYATA!"; which SURPRISES HIM, because he doesn't actually SPEAK RUSSIAN.

POLISH STUDENT is TERRIFIED, despite his troubles BREATHING and his SKIN turning a SHADE OF BLUE; because he VAGUELY REMEMBERS the BADASS FEELIPINO from SOMEWHERE...

The PRISON NUERS scowls.

"I'm sorry, sir, you're not allowed in here!"

The NUERS reaches out with a MEATY HAND, which is clearly the work of illegal anabolic steroids and weightlifting.

Without even breaking his smile, FEELIPINO AGENT grabs the NUERS' hand and SQUEEZES.

The PRISONERS hear the SICKENING SNAP OF BONES over the NUERS' shriek of UNHOLY PAIN.

METACARPAL SPLINTERS protrude FROM THE SKIN of the NUERS' MANGLED HAND.

The agent takes in the whole sad scene and considers whether to let the POLISH STUDENT live or die.

He decides that since he has no BEEFS with the POLISH STUDENT (unlike those FUCKERS who KILLED HIM), POLISH STUDENT should live.

Reaching into his voluminous black coat; he pulls out an EPINEPHRINE AUTOINJECTOR and tosses it at QUIET STUDENT.

"Stab him in a large vein. Now."

QUIET STUDENT snaps out a salute and STABS the POLISH STUDENT in the DICK with the AUTOINJECTOR.

As the LARGE BORE NEEDLE slams home, POLISH STUDENT lets out a UNHOLY SHRIEK OF PAIN; but that PAIN is quickly tempered by the realization that he can BREATHE AGAIN.

"I said, into a large vein," FEELIPINO AGENT says with a SIGH. "Not into his sexual organ, you fucking degenerate."

Despite his public claims otherwise, FEELIPINO AGENT feels a small TWINGE of ELATEMENT at the FUCKEDUPNESS.

"Come with me," he says, taking his MIRRORED SHADES OFF; "If you want to live."



YOU ARE IN A LIBRARY. YOU ARE ENGLISH STUDENT AND APRON WEARING STUDENT.

A quick AOL search shows that YOU ARE NOT WANTED.

"Right, first plan," says ENGLISH STUDENT. "Let's go buy some guns. I think there's a convinience store over there with a decent range of handguns."

He turns and sees APRON WEARING STUDENT looking through a PHONEBOOK. He GIBBS-SMACKS him. "Why are you looking there, when we have the INTERNETS to do our search for us?"



YOU ARE PUERTO RICAN STUDENT. You are in your APARTMENT.

You wake up, and decide to take a STROLL to the PARK. But first, you decide to do a LONG-DISTANCE CALL to your FATHER, who is a ROCKET SCIENTIST.

----



YOU ARE MOUNTAIN SQUID. You are awakening from an ALCOHOL INDUCED STUPOR from when you went out to a BAR after you were RELEASED FROM JAIL, in an attempt to FORGET IT ALL.

"Oh my god i don't know what's going on," you mutter.

As your MIND and VISION clears; you are faced with an UNHOLY VISAGE.



Your CAT is sitting on your BED, batting at your face, MEWING HUNGRILY.

[FaxModem1]

"No one can trace someone looking through a book."

[Eternal_Freedom]

"I dunno why I did that. Do you get the feeling that there's someone behind all this pulling strings?

ENGLISH STUDENT is GROWING SUSPICIOUS.

[FaxModem1]

"So, we're in a Lovecraft story?"

APRON WEARING STUDENT feels increasingly more paranoid.

[MKSheppard]

You are POLISH STUDENT, QUIET STUDENT, HUNGARIAN STUDENT, HIPPIE STUDENT, AND REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT.

You are in the BACK SEATS of BIG LARGE OBVIOUSLY GOVERNMENT SUBURBANS. Sitting in the seat in FRONT OF YOU is FEELIPINO AGENT.

"I'm so glad you saw the light and decided to join the forces of good." he says in his SOUTHERN DRAWL.

"We didn't---" begins HIPPIE STUDENT before he is ELBOWED in the FACE by someone, it's NOT CLEAR WHO SHUT HIM UP.

"Yes well, I'm also glad you all have worked out these issues between yourselves. This should be so much better than last time."

He sighs.

"Now we find those FUCKERS who shot me in the HEAD, and MAKE THEM PAY."

As he says these last words, his eyes seem to GLOW A DEMONIC RED. Perhaps it's the SETTING SUN's rays bouncing off his cornea at just the right instant, or SOMETHING MORE?

Everyone feels UNEASE at this. Yes, they're out of the HICK-TOWN POLICE STATION and away from RACIST POLICEMEN, but at WHAT PRICE? Oh God, AT WHAT PRICE?



YOU ARE IN A LIBRARY. YOU ARE ENGLISH STUDENT AND APRON WEARING STUDENT.

APRON WEARING STUDENT points at the computer. "Nobody can trace someone looking through a phonebook."

ENGLISH STUDENT stares at him for a moment. "Damn, you're right. I don't know why I did that. I guess we better leave fast."

A PAUSE.

"Say, do you get the feeling that SOMEONE is behind all this, PULLING STRINGS?"

"Balls, so we're in a Lovecraft story?" APRON WEARING STUDENT replies as he TEARS OUT the PAGES in the PHONEBOOK relating to GUN STORES.

Their PARANOIA IS RISING, and they quickly EXIT THE LIBRARY.



YOU ARE FEELIPINO AGENT. YOU ARE IN YOUR DOOMTILITY VEHICLE, ALONG WITH YOUR TERRIFIED PRISONERS ASSISTANTS. YOUR EARPIECE CHIRPS.

"Yes?"

"Boss, we got a hit on ECOLON relating to uh, you getting shot. Seems someone searched that from a public library at the intersection of Reagan and Nixon streets. The hidden camera we've had in all computer monitors since 1995 confirms it's the two suspects."

"Excellent."

Releasing your EARPIECE, you SIGNAL to the DRIVER to turn on the SIRENS AND LIGHTS.

"It won't be long now, my friends, before we're all reunited with some more of our friends."

You SMIRK at those last words.



YOU ARE PUERTO RICAN STUDENT. You are in your APARTMENT.

As you talk to your ROCKET SCIENTIST FATHER, he tells you how he worked under WEHRNER VON SHAPP at the CAPE during the MURCAN SPACE RACE in the SIXTIES, before working on the RAVENSTAR project in the NINETIES, before it was CANCELLED.

There is a slight SQUEAL ON THE LINE that makes you WINCE.



YOU ARE MOUNTAINSQUID. You have gotten up to FEED YOUR CAT...

[FaxModem1]

As they exit the library, APRON WEARING STUDENT drives ENGLISH STUDENT to nearest gun store.

"You have money for this?"

[Eternal_Freedom]

"I have my AmEx card...."

This JOGS ANOTHER MEMORY:

"...just as long as we don't buy any 2,000 lb bombs with it like last time."

[Force Lord]

"Dad? Dad! DAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!"

PUERTORICAN STUDENT HANGS UP phone, is ANGRY. DECIDES to go where his POSSIBLY DEAD FATHER works. He grabs the CAR KEYS and moves OUT.

[FaxModem1]

"You want to charge the purchase of firearms to your name? That doesn't seem wise, does it?"

[Eternal_Freedom]

"We aren't wanted, and it's perfectly legal. Hell, it seems to be damn nearly encouraged in this damn country. So why not? We'll dump the guns after he's properly dead; they can't tie the bullets in his carcass to the weapons we used if they can't find the weapons in the first place."

ENGLISH STUDENT looks in his WALLET.

"Besides, this particular AmEx card is registered to a non-existent farmer from Idaho named Bud Sanchez."

[FaxModem1]

APRON WEARING STUDENT escorts ENGLISH STUDENT to inside of LOCAL GUN STORE.

"So, what does Bud feel like buying today?"

[MKSheppard]

[ooc to force lord] the connection didn't cut out dead, there was just a slight SQUEAL and then things resumed. A SQUEAL is one sign of a bugged line, or was in the old days.

[ooc to FM1 and EF]

I'll be handling the gun store stuff in a series of quickie one liners and then will integrate it into a larger post when the others playing get around to posting.

[MKSheppard]

"So what do you feel like buying today?" asks the GUN STORE OWNER, who REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE.

"We got everything from Glocks to Sig Sauers, and AR-15s."

[PeZook]

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is GRATEFUL for NOT DYING, but has a lot of RESENTMENT over the UNNECESSARY DICK-STABBING. He is CONVINCED he is STILL HALLUCINATING, though.

UTTERLY convinced.

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT wants to know if there is some kind of PLAN.

[Eternal_Freedom]

ENGLISH STUDENT ADOPTS a PERFECT IDAHO ACCENT.

"Well, I need something with enough punch to take down large animals but isn't too big or bulky. A large-calibre handgun should do nicely, unless of course you can suggest a better weapon."

ENGLISH STUDENT is GROWING MORE PARANOID. HE KNOWS THIS MAN from SOMEWHERE. He has a FUNNY FEELING that HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST and that THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF BATSHIT-INSANE MATRIX-TYPE CRAP.

ALL the MORE REASON to TOOL UP.

[Force Lord]

"Dad? Dad! DAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!"

PUERTORICAN STUDENT HANGS UP phone, is ANGRY. DECIDES to go where his POSSIBLY DEAD FATHER works. He grabs the CAR KEYS and moves OUT.

Spoiler

Disregard above quote.

THANKS DAD for the INFO. PUERTO RICAN STUDENT decides to make a TRIP to the CAPE. He grabs the CAR KEYS and moves OUT.