In Memoriam: Setzer

[Rogue 11]

Yesterday I got an email from Setzer, it was a suicide note. I threw back what emails I could trying to get some response. I couldn't get a hold of him otherwise. Norseman being a bit more clearheaded than I was contacted some of his family and asked for information. This morning (Norwegian time) we got the confirmation that he was dead. Apparently he shot himself.

I thought he was getting better. That the medication was helping. I was suffering with very strong depression myself. It was a great help to me that he was there and was ahead of the curve as far as treating it went. I DID notice I had gone past him and tried to cheer him up whenever I could. I just thought he was in the end still well above this point.

I could really use some cheering up right now.

[Havok]

I don't know what cheering up I can offer, but pretty much anything about being alive is better than being dead. I know people with sever depression can't always think that way, but maybe just the thought may help.

Sorry to hear about Setzer. He seemed like a good guy from what I can remember of his posts.

[Rogue 11]

I don't know what cheering up I can offer, but pretty much anything about being alive is better than being dead. I know people with sever depression can't always think that way, but maybe just the thought may help.

Sorry to hear about Setzer. He seemed like a good guy from what I can remember of his posts.

To clarify I don't have any problems with suicidal thoughts. I'm not wired that way. I remember being thoroughly annoyed at all the warnings when I started on medication about suicidal tendencies. It never even crossed my mind unless somebody brought it up. At the time it was sort of funny how the people issuing the medicine was so scared about that. It's stopped being funny.

And that makes it worse really. I KNOW He wasn't in his right mind. While I haven't been suicidal I have been where he most certainly was from the letter, where everything is bleak, nothing gives you joy. It is like looking through a lens where EVERYTHING is put in the absolutely worst possible light. You aren't rational, but I also know it has always passed (At least for me). If you just get through it without doing anything stupid it ends up as a bad memory.

Why the HELL couldn't he just talk to somebody about it?! Nobody I've talked to knew he was in that bad a slump before we got the letter.

I know I'm ranting, I'm just having a really fucking bad week. Up until the confirmation I managed to convince myself he had failed. That the reason he wasn't heard from on the net was that he was in a hospital getting help or something like that.

I'm not even sure posting on a web forum about it is really respectful to the dead and his family, I just... Felt a strong need to share it around (And I have shared it with real life friends and family already).

And of course I feel a bit guilty how this rant seem to focus on me instead of him. I KNOW objectively there was nothing I could have done, but I keep searching for alternate options I could have taken. Anything I could have done to prevent it.

[Norseman]

I feel horrible as well. For the sake of the family I shall withhold his real name, but a member of his family confirmed that he was dead. However bad this is for us it has to be worse for them. I had spoken to him only yesterday and he seemed perfectly normal, there was nothing unusual at all. He seemed to be planning another SD and was doing lots of research on economic systems.

I don't know if posting any of this is appropriate or not, but it's like my brain isn't quite working right now. I can't concentrate or think straight about anything. I'm trying to distract myself from what happened, to think of something else, but I just feel numb. Most of my distractions were things I'd talk to him about, like movies or games or political matters, so everytime I try something it just leads back to square one.

[madd0ct0r]

Look, if it helps the two of you at the moment, then it\'s appropriate.

And if it helps the two of you, we\'re listening.

[Havok]

Not to sound cold, but don't worry about feeling selfish at the moment. It's a natural reaction to one of the most selfish acts a person can do.

And talking always helps, so like madd said, it's appropriate.

[Eleas]

I'm so sorry. My thoughts go with you, Norseman, Rogue.

[Force Lord]

My condolences to Setzer's family and friends.

[Themightytom]

What a tragedy, I liked Setzer, he never got into the furballs everyone else did and he usually had something positive to say or contribute. Thanks for letting us know Rogue.

[Rogue 11]

He bought a gun a while back, mother pressured him to return it. At the time he wanted it for sports shooting. If he got the a gun again without mentioning it I think he must have neglected to mention it because he knew we wouldn't approve if we knew why. I think he must have been mulling this over for some time.

I wish I could say it was a bigger surprise than it was, but he had tried suicide once before. He admitted afterwards the reason at the time was stupid but it just mattered so much to him them.

When I got the letter I didn't have a moment of disbelief. About the only thing I could have done differently was pick words faster. I tried to think of something to say in a response in a hurry (Hopefully before he did something), but I came up blank for several minutes trying to find something short and to the point. In the end settling for "Don't do it. More to follow." and then taking more time with followups to try to talk him out of it.

I wonder if I could have helped had it been faster, or perhaps they did reach him but wasn't enough to get him to stop or give a response. Or perhaps it was too late but he would have ignored them anyway. Or perhaps he closed it down immediately after sending and couldn't receive a response no matter how fast I was.

I don't know. I know full well they weren't put together rationally. I was stressed and rushed and tried to throw out any damn argument I could think of not to do it, mostly boiling down to "Where there is life there is hope."

Most yesterday afternoon I managed to keep it together working on the assumption that he failed. That he was in a hospital or something. I even thought of jokes I'd tell him when he came back to lighten things up about the subject. (Like: "If you ever try that again I'm going to mine the river of charon if that is what it takes."). Not good jokes admittedly, but I did keep the assumption that he wasn't dead to keep from having it impact me too much.

I haven't had a lot of experience with death. Only family members that have died are so distant that I didn't really know them. The closest thing to experiencing death beforehand was losing my dog last year to old age. This is the first time in my life where any human I knew well has died. Admittedly that's qualified as I never met him in person.

I still considered him a good friend though.

[Shroom Man 777]

I am so very sorry to hear that. He was a cool guy. My condolences to his friends and family, and to you guys too.

[Bakustra]

Jesus. My condolences to you guys and to Setzer's family.

[Iroscato]

I never spoke to or knew setzer, but it's terrible for him to have been in such an obviously dark place and to end it like that. My condolences to his family and friends.

[Thanas]

From what limited interaction I had with him in STGOD, he seemed like a nice person.

My condolences.

[Darth Fanboy]

It hits even more knowing that he was just posting two days ago, no apparent issues. My condolences to his family.

[Dalton]

...

There are no words.

Rest in peace.

I have elevated this to a global announcement.

[Themightytom]

About the only thing I could have done differently was pick words faster. I tried to think of something to say in a response in a hurry (Hopefully before he did something), but I came up blank for several minutes trying to find something short and to the point. In the end settling for "Don't do it. More to follow." and then taking more time with followups to try to talk him out of it.

I wonder if I could have helped had it been faster, or perhaps they did reach him but wasn't enough to get him to stop or give a response. Or perhaps it was too late but he would have ignored them anyway. Or perhaps he closed it down immediately after sending and couldn't receive a response no matter how fast I was.

I don't know. I know full well they weren't put together rationally. I was stressed and rushed and tried to throw out any damn argument I could think of not to do it, mostly boiling down to "Where there is life there is hope.".

Rogue the decision to tell someone you are committing suicide is the culmination of some very strong forces, and I don't think you could have said or done anything to influence the situation. he had the power in this situation, and that was that.

I was on the edge of a very close knit group a few years ago, and one of their closest members decided to commit suicide and she called several of them to let them know. You are going to wonder for a very long time what you could have done differently, you have my sympathies. You are probably going to remember this date for a long time. You might even hear or think that it was cruel of him to just tell you what he was doing without letting you talk him out of it.

I would say it's a testimony to his opinion of you, his appreciation for your friendship, that he left you the message. You clearly meant a lot to him, and I would give yourself credit for that. You were a good friend to him, and he recognized that. Don't blame yourself.

Death is the thing we like to pretend can't happen at literally any moment. It can make us feel powerless and ineffectual, but really, it makes everything we accomplish in life that much more of a victory. Think about all the stupid things people put on their bucket list. "Go to Disneyland" "Jump out of an airplane"...
if among the things you can claim credit for in life is being a good friend to someone who really needed it, you're doing it right.

[ThomasP]

I wonder if I could have helped had it been faster, or perhaps they did reach him but wasn't enough to get him to stop or give a response. Or perhaps it was too late but he would have ignored them anyway. Or perhaps he closed it down immediately after sending and couldn't receive a response no matter how fast I was.

I don't know. I know full well they weren't put together rationally. I was stressed and rushed and tried to throw out any damn argument I could think of not to do it, mostly boiling down to "Where there is life there is hope."

Don't beat yourself up, because you're right, there's almost nothing you can say once a person has gone over into that state of mind and made the decision. Whatever else might have happened, there's no blame or failing on your behalf.

I'm really sorry to hear this.

[Rogue 11]

I know full well rationally that this isn't my fault. I knew even as I tried to get contact with him when I got the note that I was unlikely at best to succeed, but I had to try even so. That was both rationally and emotionally the right thing to do. They certainly couldn't make things worse.

Emotionally there are parts of me that insist there must have been SOMETHING I could have done. I still can't find anything. Been going over what was said/done in recent history all day. And I honestly can't find anything I could have done differently. I still can't find any signs that it was that bad now. And only perfect knowledge of what he was about to do would have had me focus to talk him out of it.

I don't know if that is worse or better than having screwed up. On one hand it frees me from any culpability. That I could just about do nothing in this case. On the other it means that I was utterly powerless to deal with this. That it was essentially being tied to the tracks in front of a fully loaded express train with no way out.

I have sent an email with condolences to his family. I wonder if I should send to the other parent as well given that IIRC parents were divorced, but I can't just copy/paste what I wrote the first time and writing one took a lot out of me.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Damn. When I saw this, I didn't even connect it with the guy. I thought it was an announcement about some celebrity dying.

My sympathies to those who knew him.

[Edi]

My condolences to those who knew him. I did not, but I do remember him well enough that I took notice of him in a positive way.

Rest in peace, Setzer.

[Lord Pounder]

I hope Setzer finds the peace now he could not find in life. My thoughts are with you, Rogue11 and Norseman.

[Frank Hipper]

Horrible situation, horrible news. I'm so sorry to hear it.

My very sincere condolences.

[Connor MacLeod]

I know full well rationally that this isn't my fault. I knew even as I tried to get contact with him when I got the note that I was unlikely at best to succeed, but I had to try even so. That was both rationally and emotionally the right thing to do. They certainly couldn't make things worse.

Emotionally there are parts of me that insist there must have been SOMETHING I could have done. I still can't find anything. Been going over what was said/done in recent history all day. And I honestly can't find anything I could have done differently. I still can't find any signs that it was that bad now. And only perfect knowledge of what he was about to do would have had me focus to talk him out of it.

I don't know if that is worse or better than having screwed up. On one hand it frees me from any culpability. That I could just about do nothing in this case. On the other it means that I was utterly powerless to deal with this. That it was essentially being tied to the tracks in front of a fully loaded express train with no way out.

I have sent an email with condolences to his family. I wonder if I should send to the other parent as well given that IIRC parents were divorced, but I can't just copy/paste what I wrote the first time and writing one took a lot out of me.

You're probably going to beat yourself up or second guess yourself on it no matter what because you're trying to come to terms with what happened, and why. I was in that same position when someone I knew committed suicide and I kept thinking over how I could have stopped it, recognized the signs, etc. Knowing it intellectually won't help either, because the emotional impact of what you are going through is simply too great.

As Havok said, don't feel bad about being selfish or taking time out for yourself in all this.. don't push things beyond what you can endure. This affects you as much as anyone else, and you have the right to as much time or space to come to terms with it as you need to. Letters and such can wait.

[KhorneFlakes]

I never "spoke" to Setzer, but having been here for four years before making an account I know he was a pretty cool guy.

My condolences.