In Memoriam: Setzer

[PeZook]

I know full well rationally that this isn't my fault. I knew even as I tried to get contact with him when I got the note that I was unlikely at best to succeed, but I had to try even so. That was both rationally and emotionally the right thing to do. They certainly couldn't make things worse.

Emotionally there are parts of me that insist there must have been SOMETHING I could have done. I still can't find anything. Been going over what was said/done in recent history all day. And I honestly can't find anything I could have done differently. I still can't find any signs that it was that bad now. And only perfect knowledge of what he was about to do would have had me focus to talk him out of it.

I don't know if that is worse or better than having screwed up. On one hand it frees me from any culpability. That I could just about do nothing in this case. On the other it means that I was utterly powerless to deal with this. That it was essentially being tied to the tracks in front of a fully loaded express train with no way out.

I have sent an email with condolences to his family. I wonder if I should send to the other parent as well given that IIRC parents were divorced, but I can't just copy/paste what I wrote the first time and writing one took a lot out of me.

You probably shouldn't try to valuate your actions in terms of "better" or "worse". You reacted and tried, which is actually commendable. I actually know how it will go now: you will go over and over the matter for a good long while, before you come to terms with it. Either way, it's rare for people to actually spot the "warning signs" for suicide even if they know the person intimately ; Don't beat yourself up that you couldn't do so.

It's good that you speak your mind about it, even to complete strangers, and I for one ain't gonna judge you for rambling about the matter on a forum. Putting emotions in writing or speech helps immensely, and is way healthier than getting smashed in order to forget.

[Janos]

My condolences to everybody who knew him, I remember him as a nice guy.

[madd0ct0r]

to be honest, I'm not sure you could beat " don't do it, more to follow."

any actual argument he'd have already have crush with an irrational worldview, but curisoity...

you weren't saying to stop it, just to hang on a few more minutes (increasing the chance of someone in an actual position to stop him finding him and grabbing the gun out of his silly hands) - that was the best thing you could have done in the situation. remember that.

[Alyrium Denryle]

I know I should say something, but I am really having a hard time figuring out what, save to say that Setzer was a good guy, and that he will be missed.

If anyone who knew him well needs to talk, I am available.

[Prannon]

My condolenses. I knew of Setzer and he seemed to be an intelligent speaker. Never actually spoke with him.

Very tragic news.

[Sea Skimmer]

Dammit. He will be missed, I wish I knew more about him and that he had problems like this.

[LadyTevar]

I am sorry to hear this

[MKSheppard]

...fuck.

Him and me used to talk a lot regularly several years ago; back during the DrakaFic days; but we sort of grew apart, though he infrequently talked with me; and I knew a bit of his problems.

I used to see him popping up on my AIM list every so often, and I thought about talking with him, but couldn't really think of anything to say or talk about -- so I didn't AIM him. And now he's dead.

Fuck.

[KlavoHunter]

I, too, knew him, haven't talked recently, and now...

Goodbye, Setzer.

[Ariphaos]

I don't know what cheering up I can offer, but pretty much anything about being alive is better than being dead. I know people with sever depression can't always think that way, but maybe just the thought may help.

Sorry to hear about Setzer. He seemed like a good guy from what I can remember of his posts.

I can only describe what I've gone through.

When I was feeling suicidal, there's a very real sense of a sort of pain that I can't describe to someone who hasn't gone through it. The closest thing I can think of is the sort of feeling you have when a close friend dies, but that still doesn't cross the line. It's like the difference between a momentary fright and the paralyzing, seemingly unending horror of a night terror. Suicide might not be a more logical option than some other solution, but wanting out of the pain is certainly logical. Living under such conditions is not in any way an enjoyable experience, it's a form of torture that few people are going to sympathize with. Which is not going to help.

Illogic is often a part of the cause, and can hamper attempts at finding a real solution. But at the end, it's about ending pain.

I know full well rationally that this isn't my fault. I knew even as I tried to get contact with him when I got the note that I was unlikely at best to succeed, but I had to try even so. That was both rationally and emotionally the right thing to do. They certainly couldn't make things worse.

Without knowing what is really - as in, chemically - wrong, it is really hard to know what to do. If Setzer had my issue (which from descriptions, I doubt), a last-minute intervention may have just as much a chance of aggravating the problem as it does of temporarily resolving it. You are often dealing with someone to whom two plus two no longer equals four and unless you know what their answer is at the moment, it's hard to address head-on.

If someone seriously threatened suicide, my first response would be 'Talk to me, please.' and leave my phone number if I wasn't calling them already. Probably slightly more personal.

But I would avoid referencing their planned attempt as much as possible, and try to derail their current train of thought as fast as possible. Then again, there are probably cases where telling them not to is the better solution. It's really hard to say and, as Setzer's friend, you are more qualified by virtue of knowing him, by default.

Any sort of resolution is a tall order over e-mail, however.

---

In any case, you and everyone Setzer knew have my condolences, as does Setzer himself.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

Damnit. I'm never, never going to forget that STGOD where he was a new guy and he intervened in Queen Halite's invasion of the Milky Way with millions of warships powered by FTL "Lumina Drive" of his own devising and I think it was Strowbridge--or someone of that age--who made the crack "Lumina drive is FTL? My Lumina can't even make 65!". Damnit, but he took it well and he played his hand well, and he later on proved not just a nice gamer but a decent person here with evolving and very mature attitudes. Losing him is losing a part of the good in the world.

[General Mung Beans]

My condolences to his family.

[Darth Lucifer]

RIP Setzer and sincere condolences to friends and family.

[Imperial Overlord]

My condolences to his friends and family. I barely knew him, but I liked him. I wish I could say more than that.

[Lord Zentei]

Damn. I never realized that he was suffering from depression. I always remember his contributions as positive.

He'll be missed. My condolences to his friends and family.

[Lisa]

R.I.P.

[Broomstick]

And of course I feel a bit guilty how this rant seem to focus on me instead of him.

He is beyond hurt.

You, on the other hand, ARE hurting.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If venting here makes you feel better than do so.

[Dragon Angel]

His occasional "Good News About" threads helped to offset the mostly-grim atmosphere of News and Politics. Those will be missed, definitely...

Rest in peace.

[Molyneux]

I can't say that I knew him, but after reading this thread, I can say that I wish I had while I still had the chance.

My condolences to you, Rogue, Norseman.

[Silver Jedi]

His last post (from the superman eating pluto thread) made me literally lol. He will be missed by at least one person who never actually knew him.

[Tritio]

My condolences to his friends and family. Rest in peace, Setzer.

[madd0ct0r]

His occasional "Good News About" threads helped to offset the mostly-grim atmosphere of News and Politics. Those will be missed, definitely...

Rest in peace.

would it be inappropriate to continue those in the same format?

[Todeswind]

I would be disappointed if somebody didn't. It seems fitting to remember him by talking about good news in the world.

[Coyote]

Aw, hell... I liked Setzer. He was a good person to have around in a conversation here, and you knew he wouldn't go off the rails about things. Smart & articulate.

Crap, I wish I'd known him better. What little I did know him, he seemed like an all-round good guy.

[Rogue 11]

Setzer's funeral was today.

I've been in touch with his parents. Talking to them has helped a lot, especially a long phone conversation yesterday. Before that for all the week there was this dark, heavy weight resting on my brain making it even harder than normal to think. That has thankfully lifted now.

I really can't think of anything else to say. He was a good friend, especially in a period where I really needed good friends. I will miss him. I'll keep his memory alive as long as my own mind holds up.


And if there does turn out to be an afterlife against all odds I'll probably kick his ass for doing this when I get there in the distant future.