Which superhero could the world really use?

Damaramu · Post by **Damaramu** » 2003-03-09 02:55am

My vote?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 03:26am

Pablo Sanchez wrote:Let's look at Jesus's advertised powers:

1) Cannot be killed. If he is killed, he will rise from the grave three days later.

Then he can be killed again. After all, it only took a squad of Roman soldiers to kill him; any street thug could probably do it today.

2) Can heal any disease or infirmity, and can resurrect the dead.

Handy, but not exactly going to change the world, especially since he was not particularly generous with this gift, at one point ordering his followers to administer only to Jews.

3) Can exorcise demons.

We're looking for a superhero who can do good in the REAL WORLD, remember? Even if you suspend disbelief for Jesus, the fact remains that there are no demons in the real world, so this ability is useless.

4) Able to transmogrify matter into virtually anything at will.

Wine, actually. He never made something useful like refined petroleum. The world has more than enough booze anyway, and I don't think his production is going to come anywhere close to a major brewery.

5) Absolute knowledge of Jewish religious law, good debator, and incredibly charismatic.

From what I saw in the Bible, none of these things were true. His knowledge of Jewish religious law was questionable (his list of the commandments, for example, bears no resemblance to anything found in Exodus). His debating skills are pathetic, and exaggerated by the pitiful responses of the people he argued with. Half the people on this board could probably debate him into the ground. And he wasn't that charismatic; most people at the time wanted him dead.

6) Can walk on water.

I don't see how this will make the world a better place.

7) Capable of commanding the weather.

Thus fucking up the weather system and causing untold side effects outside his small area of concern. Mind you, the Biblical God normally doesn't give a shit about side-effects on people who are not the "chosen" ones, so I guess this wouldn't bother him.

The list goes on and on.

I haven't seen anything on this list which indicates that he would be able to solve any of the world's serious socio-economic problems. The fact that he's been indirectly responsible for many of them is bad enough already. Iron Man would be a far more useful saviour for humanity.

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-03-09 01:38pm

I was joking for the most part, but here's a response:

As for ease of killing him, Satan was of the opinion that Jesus had a choir of angels following him around and defending him. Their track record isn't so good (0-1), but maybe they could do something.

Jesus out-debated prominent temple scholars on the subject of Jewish law at around the age of 12. By his thirties, he probably cared a bit less about that, and a bit more about his own conception of what should be.

Also, if he's able to gather enough true believers (not to difficult, he could just visit the Deep South), he'd be able to substantially multiply his healing powers, because anyone who's a true believer can heal in his name.

Darth Wong wrote:Wine, actually. He never made something useful like refined petroleum. The world has more than enough booze anyway, and I don't think his production is going to come anywhere close to a major brewery.

He can also change rocks into bread, and multiply a few loaves of bread and a couple fish into enough food for thousands. That's somewhat more useful.

I also forgot:
He can strike fig trees dead if they displease him.
He maybe knows how to make things out of wood.

And he wasn't that charismatic; most people at the time wanted him dead.

Well, he did walk up to people on many occasions, some of whom he had never met, and make them fanatical disciples in a matter of minutes. And his triumphant entry into Jerusalem is evidence of fairly broad public support. It's also possible that Pilate wavered because he was afraid of a revolt if he killed Jesus, and he was afraid of a revolt if he DIDN'T kill Jesus.

The main advantage Jesus has over Iron Man is that he could basically dictate to Christians and Muslims what he thinks they should do, and it'd be difficult for them to resist doing it.

But more likely he'd say something like:
"What's the deal with this divorce stuff, and racial equality? Weren't you assholes listening? I demand that you stop letting people divorce, and reinstitute segregation."

I was mainly imagining Jesus showing up on the Justice League. That'd be fairly amusing.

Superman: So, what did you guys do today?
Batman: I stopped the Joker from robbing some banks.
The Flash: I saved a busload of nuns.
Wonder Woman: I worked for gender equality and captured some arms smugglers.
Jesus: Okay...
I went over to the U.N. and I told them to make world peace and equalize world wealth, and they did it. Then I demanded that the city of Montgomery, Alabama, become my disciples. They're going to go to Africa and cure AIDS in my name.
I also multiplied a loaf of Wonderbread and a pickled Herring until there was enough to stabilize North Korea's food supply, and I compelled the millions of new Christians in that area to depose their communist government.
Then I got back to the Justice Satillite and made a chair.

Aquaman: I--I, uh, talked to some fish.

The Silence and I · Post by **The Silence and I** » 2003-03-09 03:23pm

lol! That was hilarious

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 03:42pm

That was good. Doesn't the power of SHAZAM have something to do with God. Also, Spectre was a manifastion of God's wrath. Kingdom Come was really good.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-03-09 04:13pm

Man, Aquaman never gets any respect.

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2003-03-09 04:19pm

Robert Treder wrote:Good choice, Sirius. Now that I think about it, Reed would be a really good choice. But I wonder if he wouldn't be tempted to subjugate the world with his uber-inventions given that we would have no superheroes to stop him.
I just don't trust people with superpowers.

I guess you wouldn't agree with my choice of Magneto then would ya?

Spiderman. No quetion.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 04:23pm

Wolverine called Spider-Man a wussie. Go Wolive.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-03-09 04:36pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Wolverine called Spider-Man a wussie. Go Wolive.

Wolverine would call damn near any hero a wussie.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 04:48pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:That was good. Doesn't the power of SHAZAM have something to do with God. Also, Spectre was a manifastion of God's wrath. Kingdom Come was really good.

I loved Kingdom Come. Didn't like it's sequel, The Kingdom though.

Admiral Johanson

In the Versus comics, Marvel lost to Thor. Go Thor.

You're thinking of DC's "Shazam!" CM:

We're refering to Marvel Comic's "Genis-Vell" Captain Marvel, who, Thanks to writer Peter David has a bit more interesting powers (He's "Cosmicly Aware", which is kindly like limited Omniessence, plus he can blow stuff up real good.) Right now he's fairly insane, and doesn't have much in the way of scruples.

What can I say? I like illustrating my points.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 04:48pm

Compared to him, they are.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 05:11pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Compared to him, they are.

Nah. Captain America could kick the crap outta him.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 05:19pm

Cap didn't beat the Hulk, he lost. Wolvie beat the Hulk to a standstill. There is some evidence for ya. I believe both fought in WW II and were commandos at Normandy.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 05:25pm

I'm willing to bet that Spidey could beat Wolverine, though they've never gone toe-to-toe. Spidey is faster, stronger, has precog, and can distance himself from Wolvie vertically if he wants.
And just to be cheap, he's made adamantium webbing before, to fight the Spider-Slayers. Though I don't think he'd really need that.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 05:33pm

Wolvie could literallt have his head chopped off and his body burnt to ashes and he would still regenerate. Wolvie's senses are almost as good as precog and he has military training equivlant to that of a really good SHEILD agent. He is also very intelligent, contrary to popular belief. Beat that.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 05:47pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Wolvie could literallt have his head chopped off and his body burnt to ashes and he would still regenerate. Wolvie's senses are almost as good as precog and he has military training equivlant to that of a really good SHEILD agent. He is also very intelligent, contrary to popular belief. Beat that.

The Point is that "Ultimate" Captain America Did "beat that" in Ultimate War # 4.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 05:50pm

No, Wasp did technecially. Cap almost got his head ripped off and if it hadn't been for Thor, he would be dead.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 05:53pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Wolvie could literallt have his head chopped off and his body burnt to ashes and he would still regenerate.

Excuse me? In what alternate universe is this? Wolverine is not immortal. And besides, you don't have to kill someone to beat them in a fight.

Wolvie's senses are almost as good as precog

Spidey's senses are precog.

and he has military training equivlant to that of a really good SHEILD agent.

Spidey has better physical capabilities, in addition to many years of experience. Wolverine undoubtedly has better fighting technique and experience, but Spidey makes up for this with better strength and agility (Spidey can press 10 tons, Wolvie can press 800 lbs).

He is also very intelligent, contrary to popular belief. Beat that.

According to the Marvel Encyclopedia, Wolverine gets a 2/7 on the intelligence scale, and Spider-Man gets a 4/7. Besides, any intelligence Wolverine has gets thrown out the window in a berserker rage.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 05:54pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:No, Wasp did technecially. Cap almost got his head ripped off and if it hadn't been for Thor, he would be dead.

Are you talking about the Ultimates vs. Hulk fight? I was talking about the Ultimates vs. X-Men fight. Cap brought Wolvie down by shooting him. SHOOTING HIM!!!

PUSSY!!

also..
You still haven't responded to my pointing out your...confusion over which Captain Marvel we're refering too.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 05:55pm

Don't get me wrong, I love Wolvie. It's just that Spider-Man would beat him in a fight.
And even if Wolverine could beat Spider-Man, I still wouldn't want him as Earth's only hero. He is undependable, unpredictable, and crazy.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 05:55pm

Pablo Sanchez wrote:I was joking for the most part, but here's a response:

As for ease of killing him, Satan was of the opinion that Jesus had a choir of angels following him around and defending him. Their track record isn't so good (0-1), but maybe they could do something.

Jesus out-debated prominent temple scholars on the subject of Jewish law at around the age of 12. By his thirties, he probably cared a bit less about that, and a bit more about his own conception of what should be.

Also, if he's able to gather enough true believers (not to difficult, he could just visit the Deep South), he'd be able to substantially multiply his healing powers, because anyone who's a true believer can heal in his name.

All of this applies to him being placed in mythological ancient Rome, where his debating opponents are useless (sorry, but "prominent temple scholar" translates roughly into "moron"), and people were willing to believe just about anybody was the Messiah. Today, the atheists would ignore him, the moderates would doubt him, and the fundies would think he's a heretic and burn him at the stake.

He can also change rocks into bread, and multiply a few loaves of bread and a couple fish into enough food for thousands. That's somewhat more useful.

Send him to Somalia and watch him become some warlord's bitch and army food supplier.

I also forgot:
He can strike fig trees dead if they displease him.

I can do that with some industrial chemicals; this is not a power that's going to change the world.

He maybe knows how to make things out of wood.

So does the guy who renovated my basement.

I was mainly imagining Jesus showing up on the Justice League. That'd be fairly amusing.

Superman: So, what did you guys do today?
Batman: I stopped the Joker from robbing some banks.
The Flash: I saved a busload of nuns.
Wonder Woman: I worked for gender equality and captured some arms smugglers.
Jesus: Okay...
I went over to the U.N. and I told them to make world peace and equalize world wealth, and they did it. Then I demanded that the city of Montgomery, Alabama, become my disciples. They're going to go to Africa and cure AIDS in my name.
I also multiplied a loaf of Wonderbread and a pickled Herring until there was enough to stabilize North Korea's food supply, and I compelled the millions of new Christians in that area to depose their communist government.
Then I got back to the Justice Satillite and made a chair.

Aquaman: I--I, uh, talked to some fish.

I see it more like:

Wonder woman: What happened to that guy who said he was Jesus?

Aquaman: I heard he tried to explain to the Israelis and Palestinians that they were both wrong. The Palestinians threw rocks at him and the Israelis ran him over with a tank.

The Flash: Too bad, he seemed like a nice enough guy.

Captain America: Oh well. Next order of business, please.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 05:56pm

The Versus comic series had Thoe up against Captain Marvel. It was close, but Marvel lost.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 05:58pm

Captain America is NOT on the Justice League, Lord Wong!!!

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 05:58pm

Darth Wong wrote:the fundies would think he's a heretic and burn him at the stake.

....Or he could just get a cable-access show in Soouth Park

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 06:01pm

Or he would kill all of the Teleavangilast and prove to us that he is the Savior.