Darth Vader/Patton speech

[IRG CommandoJoe]

Hehehe it would be funny as hell if Darth Vader made his own version of the famous Patton speech. Replace Patton with Vader, replace American flag with a flag with the Imperial logo on it, replace Patton movie music with the Imperial March, replace U.S. soldiers with Imperial officers.

"...Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his empire. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his rebellion. Men, all this stuff you've heard about the Imperials not wanting to fight - wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of bantha poodoo. Imperials traditionally love to fight. All real Imperials love the sting of battle.

"When you were kids, you all admired the champion pod racer (points to himself), the best starfighter pilots (points to himself with other hand), big league sabbacc players, the toughest gladiator droids. Imperials love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. (Starts Force choking an officer that came in late). Imperials play to win all the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in Kessel for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Imperials have never lost and never will lose a war, unless the Rebels have one-man starfighters, because the very thought of losing is hateful to Imperials.

"Now, an army is a team - it lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of bantha poodoo...(makes hand gesture and nods towards Stormtroopers standing guard). Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the galaxy unless I choke them to death. (Picks a random officer and chokes him for visual aid.)

"You know, by the Force, I actually......almost pity those poor bastards we're goin' up against. By the Force, I.....almost do. We're not just gonna blast the bastard, we're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the joints of our AT-ATs. We're going to murder those lousy Rebel bastards by the bushel.

"Now, some of you middle-aged officers, I sense with the Force, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will (clenches fist) all do your duty. The Rebels are the enemy. Wade into them, spill their blood, blast them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do...wish you could have done so yourself for his incompetence, that's what you'll do.

"Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We're not holding anything. Let the Rebels do that. We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy...no wait scratch that last one, we're not gay. Let me rephrase: We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're gonna kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a bantha.

"Now, there's one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank the Force for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your glowrods with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you: 'What did you do in the Galactic Civil War?', you won't have to say: 'Well, I shoveled bantha poodoo on Tatooine.'

"All right, now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere as long as you don't fail me. Dismissed."

[Howedar]

The Imperial march just doesn't fit I'm afraid.

[IRG CommandoJoe]

Sure it does. Many different subtle variations of the Imperial March as he goes through the different passages of his speech and you could hear Anakin's theme sort of in the background when he points to himself.

[Mr. B]

Funny, but it is still better with George C. Scott. Now just give him the Imperial Military.

[IRG CommandoJoe]

Hmm....I sense an eventual Patton vs Thrawn simulation game.

[BioDroid]

I think that "crap through a mynock" would have been a better parable...but all-in-all Bravo!!!

[Eleas]

Hehehe it would be funny as hell if Darth Vader made his own version of the famous Patton speech. Replace Patton with Vader, replace American flag with a flag with the Imperial logo on it, replace Patton movie music with the Imperial March, replace U.S. soldiers with Imperial officers.

<snip>

That was hilarious.

[Captain Cyran]

I must applaud, very good.

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

To paraphrase my response in a previous thread:

HAHA LOL