Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[The Yosemite Bear]

mind you the bear is an anachronism, and carries fob watches, usually manufactured in Europe, with winding machenishms. ehich are still good enough for catching busses, and showing up for work on time.

[Spoonist]

Not really any more. Watches are slowly disappearing. Check the sales figures if you don't believe me.

There is a whole generation growing up who thinks watches is a non-item. precisely because its a one function unit and usually a bad one at that.

Oh really?

However, this recent growth actually may not be contradicting, but rather, supporting your argument. Observe:

I stand corrected. Our local market trends does not seem to 'match' the global trends.

[Agent Fisher]

You know, working security patrol for multiple properties and apartment complexes, you get some interesting conversations.

Example 1. Person trespassing in the pool area, with three female guests: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know the pool was closed." Me: "Really, that's why you climbed over the fence?" Person: "Come on man, work with me here. Can't you see what I've got going tonight?" One of the female guests: "You ain't getting shit tonight."

Example 2. Me and a local PD officer. I was on my last rounds, hitting my properties one last time before heading back to the barn when I come around a corner and see a car fully engulfed in flames. I'm talking the entire cab was on fire, tires were popping, something popped and blue sparks go shooting out. I'm about to call Fire and let them know when I notice a PD unit parked and the officer getting out, calling it in. We go bang on the doors of the two houses this fire was right in front of, waking up the residents to know 'hey, cars on fire, get ready to run'. As we're standing back and waiting for Fire: "Man, I wish I had some marshmallows right now." And then something burst on the car and the grass in front of the houses caught on fire and killed the moment.

[LadyTevar]

Co-worker: Look at this name! John-nel?
me, looking at the birth: The dad's name is Johnathan, the mom's Chanel. Cute.

[The Yosemite Bear]

new kid: Colin What does this do? *
Me: (Turns the emergency shut down breaker) Cuts off power to the whole dishroom in case of a fire or water and electricity do not mix, it's got a log out lock out tag so that we can shut the whole section for maintencance can do their jobs
Kid: Cool, erm can we have the power back on now?
Me: Sure

[Col. Crackpot]

If the first words out of your mouth when you walk in to the bank is 'motherfucker', then we are going to have problems.

[Kanastrous]

This is more -about- conversations, that is, the way a certain sort of conversation seems to go, lately. I break down the usual process of pursuing a show into stages: the ping, the tease, the tail-sniff and the clinch. They ping you ("hey! we gotta buncha crap needs designing for a show") or you ping them ("hey! you got a show needs a buncha crap designed for it?"), given a positive response you feed them the tease - some representative portfolio stuff, maybe something comped up based upon intelligence gleaned concerning their project, some reliably glowing references - which hopefully inspires interest sufficient to set up the tail-sniff which is you and some number of them (who make decisions) in a room with more of a presentation, and face time to explore personal suitability etcetera which, if everyone likes what they see - and more important, don't have another candidate in hand whom they like better - ends in the clinch where there are agreements made concerning schedule, travel, rate, fees, per diem, vehicle, phone, whatever. And then it's down to work.

I have noticed recently, though, that more and more it's almost straight from the ping to the clinch and at the last several sniffs in fact we spent more time comparing notes on mutual acquaintances and colleagues and marveling at how awesome this guy or that guy is and the amazing thing some person did for some show, than discussing the matter at hand, that is, hiring me for the project at hand. And the rate of hiring remains the same, actually on-average slightly improved.

Maybe the lesson is that the more I talk about something else during job interviews, the better.

[Phantasee]

Would you chalk that up to many years of experience and higher profile over the past few years, leading to more awareness of your actual skill? Which would require less actual contemplation about whether to hire you, I would think.

[Kanastrous]

Makes sense, to me.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Me: Dude, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT IT'S LIKE THE "N-WORD" for Jews.
Black Chef: well I didn't know that, but who would find that offensive?
*Me, Solomon, Rebbecka death glare*

[LadyTevar]

On phone with Medical Examiner's Office:

Me: Ok, so CoD (Cause of Death) was GSW (Gunshot Wound), on a side road?
County ME: Shotgun to the mouth, actually, in the middle of a dirt road not far from his house.
Me, unthinkingly: He wanted to be thorough....
CoME: Umm... yeah.... it was ... thorough
Me, embarrassed: Umm, yah... sorry about that..... At least he went where it wouldn't need cleaning up.

[LadyTevar]

Talking to Wallace & Wallace Funeral Home about a Single Vehicle Accident:

Me, annoyed: Ok, I've called the ME but no one can tell me if the driver had his seatbeat on.
Mr Wallace (3rd Generation): He did, but I don't think it much matters ... never thought a UPS truck would be that flimsy.
Me: He went over the mountain?
Wallace: Right into the lady's back porch, nearly split the truck in two. She could look out her back door inside it.

[LadyTevar]

After finding a Co-Worker hadn't finished her work today, but took the day off anyway, I go to the Supervisor waving the huge stack of deaths. "Look at this! She ddin't number them or do anything with them!"
Her: Is that (co-worker's)?
Me, waving the 70-some deaths: Her WalkIns and Yesterday's Mail both
The Big Boss, who was standing within listening distance, suddenly Very Interested: What is this now? What didin't get done?


(Minutes later)
Supervisor: Did you know he was standing there?
Me, innocently: Now, why would I do that in front of the Big Boss?
Her, whispering: Thank You!

[Kanastrous]

Somehow I read that as "Wallace and Grommet Funeral Home."

Which you have to admit would probably be pretty damned funny.

[The Yosemite Bear]

no you've used the wrong coffin

[The Yosemite Bear]

Irish Tourist: Why is everything closed?, do people work here?
Me: yes, just not on a federal holiday?
Irish" oh what are you celedbrating
Me" The start of a three year long war between the United States and England

[Spoonist]

Me" The start of a three year long war between the United States and England

No no no, you're celebrating when the fresh prince of bel air and the fly-guy finally managed to penetrate an aliens hole.
I've seen it myself.

[Kanastrous]

Shh. That's not the story we're telling the Irish.

[Darth Quorthon]

It's near the end of my shift, and I'm cleaning up my work bench and putting my tools away when a guy from maintenance comes over to bullshit with me for the last few minutes of our shift.

Out of the blue, he says:
"I've thought of the perfect place for Jamie Dimon."
Me:
"Oh yeah, where?"
Him:
"Here."
Me, chuckling:
"He wouldn't last a day."

It wasn't a particularly poignant or funny conversation, but I thought the randomness of it was amusing.

[Kanastrous]

"Yes, I ditched your feature for a first-year television project. Because they are actually paying a higher rate, and - much more important - they didn't lie to me, during our negotiation. Have fun reconstructing everything I was working on. And no, you can't call me for guidance."

[Themightytom]

Supervisor: "I tried to call in a referral and you didn't pick up."

Me: "Yeah a client threatened suicide and asked for her meds. I calmed her down a little so that I could get the ambulance here, but she got TOO calm, walked out, and I had to follow her two blocks so i could flag EMS. Then when I got back the toilet was overflowing and a client was trapped in the room with it because there was no more toilet paper. During all of this the client whose off her mood management meds was in a massive argument with her autistic son."

Supervisor: "Jeez do you need me to bring you a coffee or something?"

Me:"...do I not sound stimulated enough?"

[Kanastrous]

Production Designer (my boss) standing behind me, tapping his foot: Just pretend I'm not standing behind you, here.

Me: Okay, let me bring up some porn on my browser...

(silence)

Me: Sorry, that just slipped out...

[LadyTevar]

Co-Worker: What was this Funeral home thinking?! The (deceased) man is a Junior, but they put his father down as Unknown.
Me: *starts cackling*

[The Yosemite Bear]

management bean counter reading weekly report
"Colin What's Hanta Virus?"
"Why you pay me to kill the local mouse population on the hotel kitchen grounds and why I clean up where they've been with Amonia or Bleach. It's lethal to us. it's caused by inhailing rodent ppop."
"how could a guest have been exposed to it here?"
"underneath the tents at curry and our basement is their bathroom"

[SCRawl]

Since I'm re-starting work tomorrow at a place I quit in 2005, I thought of an exchange that happened not too long before I left.

Sales guy: *spouts a bullshit figure to back up his position in a discussion, a la Han Solo's "Kessel Run" double-talk*
Me: Does it hurt?
Sales guy: Does what hurt?
Me: Does it hurt when you pull numbers like that out of your ass?