Conversations from the gaming frontlines.

[Imperial528]

From a traveller RPG a few friends and I are in, trying to book into a hotel as we wait for our ship to arrive from wherever:

MissingAxis (GM): Everyone made a decent enough impression not to seem like scum
Except Aidan
Who probably looks like a thief or something
You probably picked up a pen on the desk without noticing.
Druby: The ex-soldier looks like a thief, but not the drifter
MissingAxis (GM): >Even the drifter seemed like a nice guy

[Edi]

From the Dominions 4 beta test team game:

*Alliance #1 stomps the snot out of Alliance #2 in 90% of their encounters*

Alliance #2 player: The infidels are being slaughtered at our gates!

*cue pictures of Saddam's defense minister*

*me and my allies annihilate 90% of Alliance #1 military strength*

Alliance #2 player: "Our Atlantian allies are slaughtering the infidels of Mictlan and his unholy minions!"

*me and my allies invade Alliance #2 to conquer one more province required for ultimate victory, massacring all resistance without any losses worth mentioning*

Alliance #2 player: "Now the infidels of Atlantis are dying at our gates!"

Alliance #1 leader: "They won't have time to die at your gates, they'll win the game next turn!"

[TheFeniX]

Me: "So, sometimes I wonder about the idea behind using variables in quest text that Blizzard seems to love to do. I mean, it's not like anyone reads it, but sometimes it worth a laugh."
Friend: "I don't get it. What do you mean variable?"
Me: "You know, like 'Hey, <insert class name here>, I need you to collect 300 bear asses for me.' Given perspective on the Pandarin race or anywhere really, some of it leads to weird interactions."
Friend: "Slow down and start from the beginning, you're rambling Fen."
Me: "Ok, so I'm questing around Panda-land and I stumble upon this Panda who is very happy to see me because I can help him. Now, these Pandas haven't seen anything like my character ever, but they should be able to pick up on some visual clues. How he even knows my class name is one thing, but that he's cool with it is even weirder."
Friend: "Still not getting it."
Me: "ok well, I walk up to this Panda and the opening text scrawl is: 'Thank God, A Death Knight!' That's just... it's just not something I think anyone would ever reasonably say in that situation. Imagine you're at the doctors office and he says "I'll be right back, I just have to grab the anal violator."
Friend: "I think you're reaching too far in a game about Kung-Fu Pandas and flying airships, among other things."
Me: "There still has to be some consistency! Don't you remember Varian giving your DK shit like "I should straight up kill you but I won't because reasons."? Now it's like "oh, so you're a fallen hero re-risen and was once a slave of the Lich King. Let's have some beer together!"
Friend: "No, I don't read the quest information, I just click the buttons. Also, remind me never to get sick in Texas."
Me: "I fucking hate you."

[Zwinmar]

Last summer, until I tore my meniscus, I rode up to play a Pathfinder/3.5 game hybrid (which means half the players were 3.5, half were Pathfinder). So, me being me, I rolled up a rogue, nothing to special, standard adventuring kit for the veteran gamer.

Opening episode is a town fair were everyone gets xp for all the events they compete in. Me, I look for purses to snatch, even going so far as to pick the marks that the other rogue of the group failed to get (failed their skill check) she was actually caught and the guy lost his purse while accusing her.

Anyway, after that we head out for the standard bar adventure, meet an ogre.

Knowing that I need a place to snipe from I go up a tree, then I get a bright idea. From my bag I pull a rope and tie one end around the tree about 15 feet up. On the other end is my grappling hook....

The look on the rest of the groups face when they found out what I was doing (and improbably worked) was priceless.

Hook in ogre's shoulder and the ogre chasing after the Paladin.

Thats my rogueish fishing expedition.

[Borgholio]

Playing a Star Wars RPG with friends, had a group of Jedi about to face off against a Sith Lord who could have wiped the floor with the lot of us.

Backing up the big baddie were a couple war droids literally the size of a school bus. So yeah, we were pretty much fucked until I remembered that the Force was my ally. So, given how I had put lots of points into Force Telekinesis, I picked up one of the war droids and threw him at the Sith Lord. One hit had him stunned, knocked into negative HP, and pinned.

Guess even the Dark Side can't save you from being hit with a robot the size of a bus.


In another setting with the same friends, D&D 3.5, the four of us chased a band of orcs into a massive fortress built into the side of a mountain. We were facing a legion of orcs, ogres, and a frost giant too. The DM had expected us to try to sneak in, given how it was impossible to assault the fortress. Or was it?

We went to the nearest fortified town with all the loot we had on us (and it was a bit) and bought the garrison. We just...bought it. Several hundred troops and siege equipment. The DM had to postpone our next game until he had time to research large-scale combat rules.

When the next game time arrived, we didn't sneak in. We just went through the front door. It was epic.

[InsaneTD]

Playing a Star Wars RPG with friends, had a group of Jedi about to face off against a Sith Lord who could have wiped the floor with the lot of us.

Backing up the big baddie were a couple war droids literally the size of a school bus. So yeah, we were pretty much fucked until I remembered that the Force was my ally. So, given how I had put lots of points into Force Telekinesis, I picked up one of the war droids and threw him at the Sith Lord. One hit had him stunned, knocked into negative HP, and pinned.

Guess even the Dark Side can't save you from being hit with a robot the size of a bus.


In another setting with the same friends, D&D 3.5, the four of us chased a band of orcs into a massive fortress built into the side of a mountain. We were facing a legion of orcs, ogres, and a frost giant too. The DM had expected us to try to sneak in, given how it was impossible to assault the fortress. Or was it?

We went to the nearest fortified town with all the loot we had on us (and it was a bit) and bought the garrison. We just...bought it. Several hundred troops and siege equipment. The DM had to postpone our next game until he had time to research large-scale combat rules.

When the next game time arrived, we didn't sneak in. We just went through the front door. It was epic.

Wizards of the coast SWRPG or one of the new Fantasy Flight ones? The WoTC ones have some rather bork mechanics that are very easy to abuse.

Bought a garrison....?

[Borgholio]

Wizards of the coast SWRPG or one of the new Fantasy Flight ones? The WoTC ones have some rather bork mechanics that are very easy to abuse.

It was several years ago, so probably the WoTC one.

Bought a garrison....?

Yep. Went to the local commandant and offered him a fair chunk of change up front, plus half of whatever we found in the fortress.

[TheFeniX]

May contain mild Resident Evil 6 spoilers:

::We're on a school bus, trying to escape the infection and a big ass boomer like zombie lifts the front of the bus up, stopping it from moving::
::Kyle is fighting off the infected crawling in while I pump shotgun rounds into the big guy's face::
Me: "Well, this is an unfortunate turn of events!"
Kyle: "That we're once again surrounded by zombies?"
Me: "No, that we managed to find the one front-wheel drive bus on the entire fucking planet!"

::One scene later, the bus slides off the road with the back wheels hanging off the edge::
Me: "Where's your front-wheel drive God now!?"
::Bus falls off the cliff::
Kyle: "Fuck you Capcom, and your lack of knowledge concerning superior American manufactured automobiles!"
::Bus hits the ground and we land outside of it. It explodes shortly afterwards.::
Kyle: "Thanks Obama."
Me: "I'm just going out on a limb here, but this seems wildly.... Honey, what's the word you use when shit happens that isn't what should have happened?"
The Wife: "Stupid?"
Kyle: "Implausible is what you're looking for. Also, 'It's Capcom.'"

I'll spoiler this next part because it concerns a boss-fight. Spoiler

::Hot woman turns into a creepily hot naked zombie::
Me: "And now we've come full circle!"
Kyle: "Explain. You're drunk and I want to hear this."
Me: "Remember how Oruborsuesrdnks, whatever was this tentacle rape monster? And you could see parts of the guy in the model? Remember how creepy and disgusting that truely was?"
Kyle: "It's Oruborus, but Yea."
Me: "You can't get past that, so now we're fighting sex zombies."
::queue boss knocking me down and literally grinding on my character like a stripper::
The Wife: "What the fuck is going on in this game?"
Me: "I don't know, but I have the weirdest boner right now."
::Queue giant stabby things popping out of the boss' back and into my character::
Me, as I frantically fail my way through the QTE: "Boner gone, BONER GONE. Kyle get your ass over here and do something!"
::Maniacal laughter from Kyle's microphone::

Resident Evil 6 is truly a great game.

[Oskuro]

Playing Saints Row the Third coop, my friend's character being an overweigth Arnold Schwarzenegger lookalike with massive boobs, perm rods, formal jacket and skirt (with high heels) and the russian female voice.

Me: Woah, there was a graphic glitch when you jumped over me.
Him: What was it?
Me: Some sort of pixelization under the skirt.... Wait... You are not wearing underwear, are you?
Him: *snicker*
Me: (covering eyes) Arrrrrgh! The visual! I can't unsee it!

[fnord]

Couple of snippets from tonight's SW d20 (revised, not saga) session:

IC
"Umm... why is Livewire running back onto a ship he's just sabotaged?"

OOC (game has just recently hit 7th level)
GM: "Y'know, that's only the second character we've ever had, in what, 11 odd years of playing this game, that's been crazy and skilled enough to take a ship supersonic while still inside the hangar. The first was Dix Antilles - he was a smartass Corellian, he had a Wookiee and a fast ship - but he was 16th level. You're the first to do it in someone else's bloody ship."

Yes, the two snippets were not that far apart in game time.

[InsaneTD]

That sounds like a rather interesting game and group.

[fnord]

They are an interesting bunch - when they came across a Jedi in a zombie collar (not it's actual name, but shuts down higher brain functions) on the ship we subsequently made off with and turned into our own, we actually argued about whether it was financially worth springing her.

[fnord]

More from tonight's session:

OOC (game has hit 8th level as at end of session):
GM: "I'm going to have to dial back the challenge rewards of skill-based encounters in each of your focus areas - you blokes are regularly plowing through DC 30 to 35 checks"
El GM has introduced a house rule that doubles the effect of Skill Emphasis at 10 ranks and doubles it again at 20 ranks, with the same applying for the various (+2 to 2 skills) feats, assuming the character has sufficient ranks to benefit from the doubling. Synergies are also tweaked slightly, starting at +2 for 5 ranks, then +1 for each full 5 ranks thereafter.

Eg Livewire - Int mod +5, 10 ranks in Repair, Skill Emphasis (Repair) (ordinarily +3 to Repair), Gearhead (ordinarily +2 to Repair and Comp Use), has a base +25 Repair mod, before copious synergies kick in.

Me: "What about Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Shotgun Guitar) ?"
Ansar's player: "Cool, but fuck off anyway."

IC:
Livewire: "Well, we're about to nick a ship - and for once, we didn't set out planning to do it. I hope R2-D6 is having as much fun as we are."

Elo (Duros scoundrel who's a helluva pilot): "Wait, now that I'm the skipper, I'm responsible for you retards?"

Ansar (Trandoshan headkicker and disciple of the Church of More Dakka): "More bloody Jedi? Are we gonna get paid?"
Livewire: "It's Jedi. Whaddyou think?"
Ansar: "Crap. I thought so."

GM: "As you wander around Nar Shadaa, you ultimately find four sufficiently interesting rocks in various stores and shops that you could use as the guts of your new lightsabre.... the last of which is cast in resin and duct-taped to the back wall of a novelty shop."
Jade (Jedi-type diplomat): "Well that should be pretty cheap, before I start work."
GM: "Whoa, you're going to waste time haggling on a rock that the bloke wants less than fifty credits for?"

[TheFeniX]

The meatgrinder that is LFR (a queue added to WoW for raids) is an exercise in banality alone. With friends, it has multiple opportunities for hilarity. Siegcrafter is a fairly simple fight. One of the mechanics is that a damage dealer (or two) must "run the treadmill" and destroy one of the weapons on the assembly line. If they don't, the boss gets a shield, also more raid damage. There's 4 of us in my Teamspeak server, and 21 other pugs of varying skill (note: mostly little to none).

Me (Main Tank, vastly overgeared for this fight): "I need a DPS to step up and run the treadmill."
W (rolling his healer): "That hunter said he'd do it."
Me: "Since when do we put a hunter in charge of anything but getting himself killed? Whatever, ready check and go."
Me: "And we're about 2 minutes in and the hunter died, to the surprise of abso-fucking-lutley no one. Kyle, you're up."
K: "What the fuck do you mean, I have no idea what to do."
Me: "Once again, to the surprise of..."
K: "Shut the fuck up J."
Me: "Just jump in that pipe like it's Mario Bros. and stab one item, preferably crawler mines."
::kyle runs into the tube::
W: "All things considered, we're doing quite well."
Me: Yea, aside from the other tank who won't taunt off me!"
::spamming my "/yell TAUNT!" macro
W: "Look J, mechanics are for the weak. This is LFR."
Me: "WTF, why is the shield up?. Why are there crawler mines? WHY IS K DEAD!?"
K: "I forgot to mention that: I died."
Me: "You had ONE JOB K, ONE FUCKING JOB."
K: "I know man, things just got out of hand."
Me: "Why is the tank bringing the add over here?"
W: "I got a good feeling about this."
::Deadly Boss Mods: BEWARE, Shredder casting Death from Above:: He's right above the melee group.
Me: "And this wipes the raid."
::queue pretty much all the melee dying."
Me: Fuck. My Hearthstone is on cooldown.
W: "Haha! You get to die with the rest of us."
R: "I'm back, guys. What did I miss?

I got R on the protectors fight. There's one ability that targets a random person and after X amount of time, it blows up dealing Y amount of damage split among all players it hits in it's AOE. You're supposed to stack if you're targetted by it. I'm tanking and once again, vastly overgeared so I can just watch hilarity.

R gets targeted by Inferno Strike and runs out of the group.
R: "I uh, what's this thing around me?"
Me (in a very shitty impersonation of the SAW guy): "I'd like to play a game R. In 10 seconds you're going to get hit for a million damage split among all players in that circle. Do you Ice Block to avoid the damage? Or do you cowardly stack with your raid to ensure your survival? Choose quickly."
R: "I..ug.. what?"
::rob is literally strafing back and forth in indecision. Then dies in an explosion::
Me: "You chose... poorly."
R: "What, what was I supposed to do?"
Me: You're like the worst Mage ever to play the game. Just Ice Block or something, fuck."
R: "Oh yea, that's not even on my bar."
W: "Hey, Fen is actually right about something for once."

[GuppyShark]

Me: You're like the worst Mage ever to play the game. Just Ice Block or something, fuck."
R: "Oh yea, that's not even on my bar."

[Imperial528]

I'll let this one stand for itself:

"Well guys, we're going to have to eat the rocks"

[phred]

On voice chat

Me: Can I get some buffs before I try tanking this mob please?
Cleric lady: Sure, who said that?
Me: Rita
Cleric lady : Wait, Rita's a guy?
Raid leader: Yes, we've had this conversation before. Tanks, guys. Healers, chicks. Get with the program.

It's an interesting trend we've noticed. Of the 20 or so tanks in the guild, 1 is a girl. And out of the however many healers, only 3 are guys. DPS is a little more evenly split.

[GuppyShark]

Your guild has 20 tanks?!

[fnord]

Still from the SW d20 game:

GM: "Y'know, I'm startin' to think that these rules do a disservice to capital starships...."

The session in question, we'd ballsed up and stored up a hornet's nest in the process of de-assing with quickness, and we had a Banking Clan comms frigate trying to cut off our escape to hyperspace as Elo and Livewire pushed the Touch and Go to and slightly beyond its limits. Drone fighters pouring out of the frigate, said frigate jamming the piss out of our comms and sensors, general bad day for us, etc etc etc.

However, Livewire (my guy) had recently managed to shoehorn in a single full-power turbolaser into the dorsal turret.

Ansar, firing by the seat of her pants thanks to the jamming, managed to fluke a lucky turbolaser hit (like 3 natural 20s in a row fluke) on the frigate that knocked its jammers offline temporarily as we hauled ass.

Admist the usual demands to Elo to "fly this ship like you helped steal it", Livewire dug out solid targeting solutions for the turbolaser, the heavy ion cannon (another shoehorn) and the protorp launchers up front.

It took us six seconds (one round) to mission-kill the hitherto barely-damaged frigate with a one-two punch of a turbolaser volley and a heavy ion cannon blast (shields stripped, hull badly damaged, and catastrophic shipwide ionisation), while Elo let two heavy proton torpedos rip.

Six seconds later, Ansar's second volley, the Jedi girl's second shot, and the protorps all slammed home, k-killing the frigate and dissuading everyone else in system from trying to further bar our egress.

Twelve seconds after the frigate kill, we finally de-assed, the astrogation calcs having been delayed a round for Livewire to dig up targeting solutions for the ship's guns.

[phred]

Your guild has 20 tanks?!

Seventeen. The deal is that Shadowknights are pretty awesome for grouping/soloing, so there's way too many of them running around. As in 10 SKs, 5 Wars, 2 Pallies.
One of the major drawbacks is that plate gear tends to get really expensive really fast.

[TheFeniX]

Me: You're like the worst Mage ever to play the game. Just Ice Block or something, fuck."
R: "Oh yea, that's not even on my bar."

In Rob's defense, he's a really fun guy to watch fail miserably, no matter the game.

We gave Heroic Immerseus a shot last night. It did not go well:
CM: "Sim, you tank boss, just pop a CD after the first Corrosive. Fen, you're on adds"
/salute
/w from Sim: "That doesn't seem like a good plan."
/r: "It's a terrible plan. Make sure to repair out of the guild bank after I bubble-hearth."
We pull. Mage gets eaten immediately by the first wave of adds
CM: "Aggro please."
Fen: "Sure, what with all the AOE taunts I don't have.
Sim is killed by the second Corrosive. The third one wipes the raid because I had 500000 adds on me and the boss."
Sim: "Corrosive hit me for over 1.5 million damage. I don't have a CD for that."
/w from Sim: "I think we should swap aggro on corrosive"
/r: "I whole-heartedly agree with your tactical assessment."
CM: "The tanks should swap aggro this time."
Sim: "We got it covered."
CM: "Oh ok, well you should let us know."
Fen: "Look, you don't tell us how to tank and I won't tell you how to stand in void zones."
A DPS drops, so we sling in a guildy (Hunter) who logged in late.
CM is explaining the fight to him.
Fen: "Just give him the Hunter version: try not to die, but fail miserably because your (sic) a Hunter."
Raid Lead: "You in a mood tonight Fen?
Fen: "I'm down to my last 400Mbs of MiFi data and I've still got 2 days left on my billing cycle. Your idle chat is eating up my interwebs."
We finally switch to normal because we're bad at the game. Immerseus goes down like a bitch even though Sim facepulled him because he was annoyed.
Fen: "And the Hunter still fucking died! Bwahahahahaha!

[Aleva13]

Said by my fiance: Wait, I'm the healer. Fuck.

[TheFeniX]

Playing FFXIV:
Me: "That was a letdown. Kill 3 undead doods and I guess I'm a Paladin now."
Kyle: "What were you expecting?"
Me: "Like old school. Fighting your past self to leave behind your dark and troubled past. Also, that you're half moon-man or some shit. You know?"
Kyle: "No, I don't."
Me: "I forget you haven't played FFIV."
Kyle: "Yea, so?"
Me: "It explains why your childhood was so terrible. You know nothing about honor, loss, love, betrayal, and giant monsters out of fucking nowhere who turn out to be the end boss for reasons."
Kyle: "Dude, I have totally played FFIV. I told you this."
Me: "Why didn't you say something?"
Kyle: "Because I knew you'd rant about stupid shit and also to prove you're such a shitty friend you never listen to me."
Me: "I don't rant that muc.."
Kyle: "And I know about all those feelings you're bitching about, I buy Bioware games."
Me: "Truly an epic story of bitter loss and insanity."

[Raw Shark]

GURPS Pseudo-Japan Fantasy Tabletop Game:

ME: [playing a tanuki disguised as a man] Okay, is anybody else looking right now?

GM: [rolls dice] You don't think so...

ME: Okay, I want to double-tap the guy I'm fighting on the jaw with my nutsack, so that's -6 for Rapid Strike, -6 for Jaw hit location, right?

TOD: Wait, did I sign up for a gay porn game!?

[MrDakka]

Now that I'm back home from college, I show my brother what Skyrim is all about

ME: Skyrim is a sword and fantasy action RPG
BROTHER: So its like Grand Theft Auto?
ME:

A bit later...

ME: You can also download mods to change everything from weapons and armor to UI and enemy AI.
BROTHER: Is there a mod for multiplayer?
ME: