Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

DRUNKEN IDIOT: Why is this bungee cord on here?

YOUR DRIVER: Don't unhook that. The thing is broken, and-

DI: But I have to!

YD: NO, DON'T UNHOO-

DI: OW! Fuck, this fucking thing just flew off and hit me in the face! [paraphrased 5-minute rant: This really hurts! I'm gonna sue your company!]

YD: [facepalm]

[Raw Shark]

An open letter to the woman who honked and flipped me off (at the same time, somehow) 50' from my building a minute ago:

Ma'am,

I understand that you were probably very upset when you came within inches of ramming me with your Subaru, and, under the circumstances, I forgive you your brief, emotional lapse in decorum, but, in my defense, I feel that I must point out that at the time that we crossed paths, you had a Stop sign and I didn't, you fucking jackass.

Kindly die in a fire started by you hitting something that doesn't have people in it,

-Raw Shark

[Kanastrous]

I have been corrupted by Facebook because my first thought upon reading that was to look for a 'like' button.

[LaCroix]

I see you're still riding all over the town in that taxi of yours. Don't you already have enough material for your book? And the other two parts of the triology (Which seems to be a requirement when it comes to books, lately...)

[Raw Shark]

I see you're still riding all over the town in that taxi of yours. Don't you already have enough material for your book? And the other two parts of the triology (Which seems to be a requirement when it comes to books, lately...)

Trilogies are so 90s - I'm going for a septology!

[LaCroix]

Sept... holy crap...

And I'd still be buying!

[Borgholio]

I see you're still riding all over the town in that taxi of yours. Don't you already have enough material for your book? And the other two parts of the triology (Which seems to be a requirement when it comes to books, lately...)

Trilogies are so 90s - I'm going for a septology!

Gonna get JJ Abrams to direct the film adaptation? An ordinary taxi fare can be made far more exciting with a few well-placed lens flares.

[Raw Shark]

Gonna get JJ Abrams to direct the film adaptation? An ordinary taxi fare can be made far more exciting with a few well-placed lens flares.

Speaking of an ordinary taxi fare becoming far more exciting:

The Cops: [on a PA system] CABBIE! MOVE RIGHT NOW!

Drunken Jackass: [opens the door with the broken lock and sticks entire torso in] Hey, can you take me to 12th and Lincoln?

Your Driver: NO! I HAVE TO MOVE RIGHT NOW! THERE ARE COPS POINTING GUNS THIS WAY AND ORDERING ME TO MOVE! CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR AND GET DOWN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!

The Cops: [on a PA system] CABBIE! MOVE RIGHT NOW!

DJ: What the fuck, man? Don't be so intense. I just need you to sit here for like one or two minutes while my girlfriend comes over here and then we can-

YD: NO! GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW! WE ARE BOTH GOING TO GET SHOT! I AM GOING TO HIT THE GAS AND DECAPITATE YOU IN THREE SECONDS!

The Cops: [on a PA system] CABBIE!!! MOVE RIGHT NOW!!!

DJ: [finally gets out] Why are you such a dick!?

[Thanas]

Jeez. Funny, but man....

[Borgholio]

What were the cops pointing their guns at anyways?

[Raw Shark]

What were the cops pointing their guns at anyways?

As far as I could tell at the time, they were suddenly pointing their guns in the general direction of ME, plus some other people who were between us and presumably not doing as they were told by a cop who was not using the loudspeaker.

[Zaune]

(Context: I'm an unpaid 'volunteer' at a not-for-profit, originally the web designer but transferred to general tech support after it became obvious I had no idea what I was doing.)

IT Manager: Zaune, I need you to configure the permissions for the NAS.
Me: (Not sure how) Uh, sure thing. What's this one going to be used for?*
IT Manager: File storage.
Me: What kind of files, and by who?

... but he'd already wandered off.

* We have three separate NAS machines. No, I don't know why either.

[Raw Shark]

The last few weeks at work have been unusually good for my self-esteem:

BACHELORETTE'S FRIEND: Can we make out? I'll still tip you...

~~~~~~~

MILFY COUGAR: So, this has been a great ride, [name]. Thanks for getting me back to my hotel safe and sound. You're very good at your work.

YOUR DRIVER: Hey, no problem. It was nice meeting you, [name]!

MILFY COUGAR: I have a bottle of Laphroaig up in my room, if you'd like to join me for one...

~~~~~~~

DRUNK GIRL: Ooooh! You're the cutest cabbie I've ever seen! What's your name?

YOUR DRIVER: Thank you! I'm [name], what's yours?

DRUNK GIRL: Oh wow, you have a really sexy voice, too! I'm Emily! Can I touch your head?

YOUR DRIVER: Uh, sure.

DRUNK GIRL'S DATE: Are we even still on a date right now?

~~~~~~~

COLLEGE GIRL: Okay, here's the joke: What's the difference between jelly and jam?

YOUR DRIVER: You got me.

COLLEGE GIRL: You can't jelly your cock down my throat!

~~~~~~~

And that's not even counting all the useless-but-heart-warming come-ons I'll get from dudes because of Pride this weekend. Sometimes I love my job.

[Borgholio]

COLLEGE GIRL: You can't jelly your cock down my throat!

Wow, really?

[Raw Shark]

Wow, really?

I shit you not. I'm surprised I didn't crash the car. In my defense, I did call it unusual. :]

[Lagmonster]

Dude, get your dick licensed also. You're clearly giving out multiple rides per trip.

[Raw Shark]

Dude, get your dick licensed also. You're clearly giving out multiple rides per trip.

The not-as-funny response to all of those scenarios:

YOUR DRIVER: What? Um. Fuck! Girlfriend. Must! Resist.

[Broomstick]

Today I learned that in addition to hair products for dry, normal, oily, short, long, damaged, not yet damaged, straight, curly, "ethnic", dark, light, grey, and fine there are hair products targeted specifically at people of mixed race. Because I guess we didn't have enough categories.

The funny thing is... a lot of those products are duplicated in different areas. Mane 'N' Tail, for example, appears in both the "normal" and the "ethnic/African" hair products aisle, and they are absolutely the same product (I know, because I stock shelves sometimes and they all come from the same box) yet a lot of customers are absolutely convinced that only black people can buy it off the African Hair shelf and that the ones in the "regular" section are somehow intended only for white people.

What's really funny is the stuff was originally for horses - hence the name "Mane 'N' Tail". Sort of like how bag balm was originally for cow udders.

Beauty/cosmetics is a weird place....

[Raw Shark]

Today I learned that in addition to hair products for dry, normal, oily, short, long, damaged, not yet damaged, straight, curly, "ethnic", dark, light, grey, and fine there are hair products targeted specifically at people of mixed race. Because I guess we didn't have enough categories.

Bullshit marketing ploy based (total guess) on the 2010 census' findings that a huge number of people in the US now identify that way. There's no way they could possibly formulate a single product for every possible permutation of "mixed" and have it be somehow more useful to any individual than buying the existing product that describes their hair type.

The funny thing is... a lot of those products are duplicated in different areas. Mane 'N' Tail, for example, appears in both the "normal" and the "ethnic/African" hair products aisle, and they are absolutely the same product (I know, because I stock shelves sometimes and they all come from the same box) yet a lot of customers are absolutely convinced that only black people can buy it off the African Hair shelf and that the ones in the "regular" section are somehow intended only for white people.

That's hilarious. I wonder which came first?

[LadyTevar]

The funny thing is... a lot of those products are duplicated in different areas. Mane 'N' Tail, for example, appears in both the "normal" and the "ethnic/African" hair products aisle, and they are absolutely the same product (I know, because I stock shelves sometimes and they all come from the same box) yet a lot of customers are absolutely convinced that only black people can buy it off the African Hair shelf and that the ones in the "regular" section are somehow intended only for white people.

That's hilarious. I wonder which came first?

Since Mane'N'Tail was first being used on horses, I'm going to point out most owners are white, while stable workers are a mix of races. At some point some probably female rider was out of shampoo and used what was at hand with the idea 'if it works on the horse'.

[Broomstick]

Yes, I first heard about Mane N Tail being used on people about 35 years ago when I was actively riding horses and then it was largely phenomena among owners, which, since it requires some wealth to own a horse (as opposed to just having access to them) and the racial wealth disparity was even sharper back then, pretty much meant it was happening among white girls.

Have no idea how it migrated to the black community.

[Raw Shark]

Have no idea how it migrated to the black community.

Black folk've got money this century, once in a while, so anything excellent that people with money know about, such as horses, filters down eventually. Not all of them, but the competent ones. The black-as-outer-space legal specialist at my company loves to joke about the reactions he gets by effortlessly dominating the local white-as-Wyoming polo league contrary to expectations, while effortlessly navigating the social culture. Things are in the process of fully merging in this country. I give it another 50 years, tops, to become less an issue of biology and more an issue of technology and cycle of poverty-vs-lack-therof.

[Raw Shark]

FRONT DESK: Can I help you?

YOUR DRIVER: Yes! Please do not hang up or send me to voice mail! I've been trying to get through to you guys for 90 minutes! Were you trying to call me repeatedly, ending about two hours ago?

FRONT DESK: I don't know. Did you get repeated phone calls?

YOUR DRIVER: [realizing he's dealing with one of the 'special' girls and switching to a very patient tone] Yes, I did. From your number. Can you please find out what that's about without sending me to voice mail or hanging up, please?

FRONT DESK: [puts me on hold for 20 minutes] Okay, so Karina wants to know why you were at the airport with your taxi at midnight last night.

YOUR DRIVER: I was... picking somebody up from the airport? In my taxi?

FRONT DESK: [long pause] Okay, have a nice day! *click!*

YOUR DRIVER: But...? What the fuck..? What the fucking fuck!?

[Broomstick]

Tonight's magic trick: turning an innocent bottle of nail polish into explodium. Of course it was one of the blood red shades.

I cleaned it up, though.

Turns out one of my coworkers had a yellow bottle blow up on her a couple days ago.

May have to re-dye my work shoes.

[Raw Shark]

VERY DRUNK GIRL: Yeah, 2732 California.

YOUR DRIVER: Yep, that's what it says right there.

VERY DRUNK GIRL: No, this isn't it.

YOUR DRIVER: But it says that right there.

VERY DRUNK GIRL: NO, I said 2732 California, asshole!

YOUR DRIVER: But it says that right there...