Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Elheru and Zaune have got it right. The breathalyzer can be fooled by recent drinks. That's why when you go to jail for DUI or public intoxication, they usually have a phlebotomists to do blood draws and get an accurate account of your blood alcohol level. Also, Passive Alcohol Sensors (PAS devices) aka breathalyzers are expensive, so usually only sergeants or DUI units keep one with them.

It's also a 4th Amendment issue. A breathalyzer is a somewhat more invasive search than making somebody adopt a funny posture or recite the alphabet backwards (which my uncle taught me to do flawlessly when I was 8 by the way), so they escalate from one to the other to get probable cause and avoid accusations of violating your civil rights.

Elheru, more like trying to buy up every spare part for a Crown Vic they can find, since Ford stopped producing them a couple years ago.

The cops around here have already completely abandoned the Crown Vic, but my cab company is certainly gobbling them up like a fat kid at a pie-eating contest. We just got a truck of whole cars in from Wisconsin the other day when I was up there, some of which went straight into the graveyard. The Denver cops are mostly driving the new Taurus Interceptors when they're not in SUVs, and Glendale PD seems to be adopting the badass-looking new V8 Charger Interceptors in glossy black because it's Glendale so of course they would. They both still have some Crown Vics, but we'll get our hands on those in a year or two; they auction them off after 100,000 miles or the first major collision.

[Alyrium Denryle]

YOUR DRIVER: So, let me get this straight: you want to pay me to come up to your apartment, fuck some girl, and give you the used condom? Why?

CREEPY RICH GUY: You're not willing to let me blow you, and I want to drink your cum. At that point you're not using it anymore, so what does it matter? Look, I'll make it $1,000.

YOUR DRIVER: Wow. Y'know, when it was $100, I was thinking, "Okay, this is a weird sex thing, whatever." At $500, it was more like, "My bare ass is going to end up on the internet if I do this." But at $1,000, it just crosses the line straight into the scary fucking Twilight Zone. Like I'm picturing myself in an Aliens 4 scenario where I have to kill dozens of mutated clones of myself with a flamethrower right now. I'll probably have nightmares about this for days.

CREEPY RICH GUY: Does it help if she's blonde?

Ya know. I am operating on indirect information, but I get the impression you are some sort of sexy manbeast. I will also admit, I cannot resist hitting on cute waiters and the like. I just cant. But...

What. The. Fuck

Did you have Hedonism Bot in your cab, apologizing for nothing?

[Raw Shark]

Ya know. I am operating on indirect information, but I get the impression you are some sort of sexy manbeast.

Outside of college and my job, where it's kind of like being in one of those confusing porn movies that's trying to have an intricate plot, I have what I judge as roughly normal success as a sexy manbeast. Maybe it's the whole sketchy cab driver thing? Makes people feel dirty? I dunno.

[snip] I will also admit, I cannot resist hitting on cute waiters and the like. I just cant. But...

What. The. Fuck

Did you have Hedonism Bot in your cab, apologizing for nothing?

Yeah, pretty much. He was totally laid back and reasonable about the whole thing, other than not taking no for an answer in a way that I abridged considerably because it got tiresome.

[Broomstick]

Besides, breathalyser test kits are expensive.

They also only detect alcohol (and the occasional diabetic).

The sobriety test can catch people impaired for any reason - alcohol, drugs, medical issue...

[Raw Shark]

VERY DRUNK FEMALE PACKERS FAN: Who's that up there with you?

YOUR DRIVER: Huh? There's nobody else up here.

VERY DRUNK FEMALE PACKERS FAN: Yes there is! The little person in the passenger seat.

YOUR DRIVER: Uh, that's a dozen rolls of toilet paper. You asked me for the ride while I was buying it, remember?

VERY DRUNK FEMALE PACKERS FAN: Why do you need so much toilet paper? Is that in case somebody shits in the cab? Has that ever happened before!?

YOUR DRIVER: ... no, it's in case I shit, y'know, in my toilet...

[Broomstick]

So, um, has anyone every shit in your cab...?

[Raw Shark]

So, um, has anyone every shit in your cab...?

[sigh] Yes, but not the one I have right now, that I know of.

[Thanas]

So you are a...shitty driver?

[Raw Shark]

Nah, he was a shitty passenger, naturally. Also didn't have any money to cover the clean-up because he was on a Medicare voucher. I'm probably lucky that I didn't snap, punch him in the mouth, and accidentally kill him, have a spontaneous aneurysm, or both.

[Broomstick]

Like the new avatar.

So... um... should I ever be in Denver how do I locate you for cab services? (I do know how to tip, BTW, and have never puked/shat/pissed in a cab.)

[Borgholio]

Like the new avatar.

So... um... should I ever be in Denver how do I locate you for cab services? (I do know how to tip, BTW, and have never puked/shat/pissed in a cab.)

Hell, why not do a meet-up in Denver sometime?

[Zeropoint]

I have to say, Raw Shark, that your tales have made me wonder if taking up cab driving might not be my ticket to an actual sex life.

[Borgholio]

I think it's partly in numbers. He probably meets more women in one day than many of us meet in a month. Sheer probability works very nicely in his favor.

[Raw Shark]

I have to say, Raw Shark, that your tales have made me wonder if taking up cab driving might not be my ticket to an actual sex life.

Depends on what you mean by, "actual..." Also on your willingness and ability to balance being charming for tips and dealing with come-ons so aggressive you'll feel like a Hooters server from weird, unattractive people you wouldn't fuck if you were on a desert island together for fifty years. $1,000 Condom Guy is just the tip of the iceberg; I don't post the ones that creep me out without being funny.

I think it's partly in numbers. He probably meets more women in one day than many of us meet in a month. Sheer probability works very nicely in his favor.

You can say that again. I also get more attractive in direct proportion to their liquor-consumption; sadly the inverse applies regarding my attraction to them.

[Arthur_Tuxedo]

You have to have a personality that's compatible with interacting with large numbers of people or the numbers game won't mean shit. I met hundreds of people every single day as a bank teller and never got one acquaintance or date out of it. As an introvert, I had to completely shut off my personality as a defense mechanism to avoid overload. I didn't start to have success in sales until I was in a position to choose to interact with far fewer people but in a more meaningful way.

There's really no magic profession for increasing social or romantic success. It all comes down to whether you're spending time doing something that complements your nature. As a brass-tacks pro who doesn't take shit from anybody, Raw Shark's job spotlights who he is and a lot of people find that sexy. That doesn't mean that any given dude who starts driving a cab is going to find themselves drowning in a sea of labia.

[Block]

You have to have a personality that's compatible with interacting with large numbers of people or the numbers game won't mean shit. I met hundreds of people every single day as a bank teller and never got one acquaintance or date out of it. As an introvert, I had to completely shut off my personality as a defense mechanism to avoid overload. I didn't start to have success in sales until I was in a position to choose to interact with far fewer people but in a more meaningful way.

There's really no magic profession for increasing social or romantic success. It all comes down to whether you're spending time doing something that complements your nature. As a brass-tacks pro who doesn't take shit from anybody, Raw Shark's job spotlights who he is and a lot of people find that sexy. That doesn't mean that any given dude who starts driving a cab is going to find themselves drowning in a sea of labia.

People tend not to be shitfaced when they go into a bank. It makes a difference.

[Raw Shark]

So... um... should I ever be in Denver how do I locate you for cab services? (I do know how to tip, BTW, and have never puked/shat/pissed in a cab.)

Private Messaged some contact info.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: Can you take me to my man's house?

YOUR DRIVER: Yes, but I'll need the address first.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: Just drive, I'll find it.

YOUR DRIVER: I want to be sure that I'm not driving in the wrong direction.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: Okay, okay, hang on.

[five minutes pass]

YOUR DRIVER: I'm turning on the meter.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: Whatever.

[five minutes pass]

YOUR DRIVER: You got that address yet?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: What?

YOUR DRIVER: The address. That I'm bringing you to.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: I can't find it. Let me call him.

YOUR DRIVER: Okay.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: [on phone] Hi, honey! I'm coming over right now. I'm in a cab. How do we get there? [pause] Are we on Colfax?

YOUR DRIVER: N- It doesn't matter where we are, where is he?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: [on phone] No, it's a white guy. Where do we go? [pause] He says if we're on Colfax, just head east about two miles until you see the Grease Monkey, and then-

YOUR DRIVER: We're not on Colfax, and I'm a fucking cab driver. Just ask him for the address.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: [on phone] Yeah, I've been thinking about that all day, too, baby. I can't wait to see you. We'll be there in just a few minutes.

YOUR DRIVER: [gritting teeth] What. Is. The address?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: [on phone] Oh hey, what's the address? [pause; off phone] 11th and Clarkson. Is that far from here?

YOUR DRIVER: No. It's three blocks. [pause for driving and anger management] That'll be $4.10. Would you like to add a tip?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GIRL: Yeah, give yourself 20%! You deserve it for putting up with me! Oh, and you take card*, right?

YOUR DRIVER: [successfully rolls 3d6 against Willpower -5 and silently does not murder her]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* I will someday determine exactly who coined this phrasing of, "You take credit cards, right?" and kick them in the groin hard enough that I'll probably fall over and/or throw out my back.

[Raw Shark]

I have to say, Raw Shark, that your tales have made me wonder if taking up cab driving might not be my ticket to an actual sex life.

I feel like I should probably expand on my response to this comment a little, after contemplating the fact that not everybody outside the service industry knows this on a near-instinctual level: Do you have any idea what kind of an insane, pornographic fuck-fest the bar business is? Everybody's hot, everybody's drunk, and everybody works late, and that's not even counting the customers. Wonderful and terrible things happen regularly. If you really feel like changing jobs out of sexual desperation, that is by far the best destination I can suggest for you, other than becoming an actual prostitute.

[Borgholio]

* I will someday determine exactly who coined this phrasing of, "You take credit cards, right?" and kick them in the groin hard enough that I'll probably fall over and/or throw out my back.

Well...DO you take credit cards?

*hides behind a rock*

[Lagmonster]

It's worth mentioning that you should not include your sexual aspirations on your job application form.

Finally, a meta story:

Me: ...so in the end, this cabbie turned down the thousand bucks.
Co-worker 1: Ha! That's crazy. Funny. Also, unbelievable. That stuff never happens!
Co-worker 2: It doesn't matter. When people's stories are entertaining enough no one cares if they're true or not, because you're having too much fun believing it.

[Raw Shark]

* I will someday determine exactly who coined this phrasing of, "You take credit cards, right?" and kick them in the groin hard enough that I'll probably fall over and/or throw out my back.

Well...DO you take credit cards?

*hides behind a rock*

Usually. If I'm so desperate for gas and/or rent money that I am having a panic attack, not so much.

It's worth mentioning that you should not include your sexual aspirations on your job application form.

Finally, a meta story:

Me: ...so in the end, this cabbie turned down the thousand bucks.
Co-worker 1: Ha! That's crazy. Funny. Also, unbelievable. That stuff never happens!
Co-worker 2: It doesn't matter. When people's stories are entertaining enough no one cares if they're true or not, because you're having too much fun believing it.

I can make a thousand bucks in a weekend if I try hard. Pride lasts forever.

[Borgholio]

Usually. If I'm so desperate for gas and/or rent money that I am having a panic attack, not so much.

Is there a delay in you getting paid if you take credit?

[Raw Shark]

Is there a delay in you getting paid if you take credit?

In addition to the many other problems with accepting credit in this business, I never actually see the money at all. In theory I have an account that the company will eventually deposit the money into if I ever go over what I owe them (and they will helpfully accept money from that account to cover later debts instead of just holding it against future debt in the first place, taking the same 5% that they charge for accepting credit again of course, leaving me with only 90.25% of the original total, because fuck you, driver, we got the law changed so you can't use Square), but in practice I roughly balance how much credit I expect to accept in a night with how much I owe the company so I don't have to deal with that head-slapping nonsense. This means that I use cash for everything besides paying the company, (and sometimes then, too, during unexpected credit shortfalls), most importantly gasoline, rent, and food in roughly that order, so if I go a few days with no cash customers I start to get desperate.

[Borgholio]

Well shit. I've always paid for my cab rides with credit. If they're the same way maybe I should just pay cash next time and save them the hassle.

[Broomstick]

I've always paid cash... but then back when I started riding cabs credit/debit cards were a new thing and far from ubiquitous as they are now. Heck, back then most of time you used credit carbon paper forms and an actual signature using a real ink pen was involved. I'm pretty sure credit for a cab ride wasn't even an option back then.