Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Continuing the, "Why I don't fuck strippers," theme (I actually waited at a strip club's cab stand around 4am a few times hoping for a crazy story, and could probably do a whole thread about this if I wanted to entertain you guys enough to deal with constant lunacy):

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: Look at those two chicks in the next car! Can you pull forward a little? I wanna talk to them.

YOUR DRIVER: Sure.

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: Hey, girls! Hey! How you doin'? You wanna party? C'mon, I'm talking to you!

LIPSTICK LESBIAN: [gives her the briefest flicker of a glance and then very intently stares straight ahead]

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: Hey! C'mon, bitch, look at me! You wanna see my tits? I've got the best titties! Here, look at what I've got for you.

LIPSTICK LESBIAN: [still not looking; fidgets nervously]

YOUR DRIVER: I think you're scaring her.

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: Damn straight she's scared! She should be! I'm a badass bitch, and she's just a stuck-up cunt! [gets really quiet and menacing] Isn't that right, you fucking cunt? You're a real fucking bitch, you dyke, aren't you? You're a bitch, you cunt.

LIPSTICK LESBIAN: [definitely still not looking]

YOUR DRIVER: How long is this light? Fucking-A.

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: BITCH! CUNT! PUSSY-LICKING WHORE! LOOK AT MY TITS, WHORE! PEOPLE PAY TO SEE THESE! [throwing a fist-full of $1 bills] YOU SEE? YOU SEE HOW MUCH THEY PAY TO LOOK AT ME? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO LOOK AT ME, CUNT!?

BUTCH LESBIAN: [jumps out of the passenger side and starts to come around the front of the car with murder in her eyes]

YOUR DRIVER: [hits the gas, running the red light]

DREADLOCKED & COKED-UP: [calm so abruptly that it's eerie] What'd you do that for? I could take that bitch.

YOUR DRIVER: Let me tell you about the time my passenger got his throat cut with a broken bottle...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If there's one thing I hate worse than not getting laid, it is insane, fucked-up drama.

[Zaune]

ABRIDGED VERSION: She didn't die, but the scarring clearly indicates first aid administered by an adrenaline-pumped amateur.

The city doesn't make livery-cab drivers take a first aid class, then?

[Edi]

From a meeting at work a couple of years ago:

BIG BOSS: Okay, we're going to help our customers use and get the most out of their weed*.

ME: What about these three other kinds of stuff?

BIG BOSS: No, absolutely not. We're not going to touch any of those hybrid things or harder stuff. We're going to just stick to weed and that's it. [Other department] handles the hard stuff exclusively.

MY BOSS: Right, you heard the man. Go out and spread the joy of weed!

============







*Context: The most common slang term for marijuana and hashish in Finnish is "pilvi" (cloud), and the meeting was about expanding our phone service support to cover customers' cloud based services, though hybrid cloud/other and massive complex, integrated cloud services were to be out of scope. Which led to the previous exchange, though obviously a literal translation would have lost the double meanings.

[Iroscato]

This kind of situation happened with alarming regularity during my time at Mcdonald's...
Customer: murmurmurmurmurmurmurmur
Me: I'm sorry, say again?
Customer: murmurmurmurmurmurmurmur
This goes on several more times.
Me: ...Here, write it down. *Grabs a napkin*
Customer writes: What time do you close?
Me: *Looks at increasingly long queue, suppresses murderous urges* In about ten minutes. (NOW ORDER SOMETHING OR FUCK OFF)
Seriously, if there's one thing more annoying than someone who's near-deaf and too stubborn to get a hearing aid, it's someone who's volume is set permanently to whisper

[Broomstick]

Oh, yeah, that "I can't possibly speak above a whisper" is about the only thing that generates an urge to punch the sweet little old ladies. Do they have any idea how annoying that it?

[Raw Shark]

ABRIDGED VERSION: She didn't die, but the scarring clearly indicates first aid administered by an adrenaline-pumped amateur.

The city doesn't make livery-cab drivers take a first aid class, then?

Nah, not at all; I'm just a two-decades-out-of-practice Eagle Scout who usually handles passengers with medical emergencies by driving to the ER really fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: Goddamnit, [name], just get in the fucking cab!

PUNK ROCK GIRL #2: FUCK THAT! LET ME GO, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

YOUR DRIVER: I'm not driving her. She clearly doesn't want the ride.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: She's fine, she's just had a little too much to drink.

YOUR DRIVER: Two guys are literally dragging her this way kicking and screaming. I'm not going to be a part of kidnapping her.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: It's not kidnapping! We're just trying to get her home, but she doesn't want to go.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #2: I SAID LET ME GO! ASSHOLES!

YOUR DRIVER: Look, even if it was legal and ethical, she is obviously shit-house drunk and is holding her own against two grown-ass men. What if she starts flailing around like that or grabs the wheel or something while I'm driving and we crash and die? I'm not the janitor here to clean up your mess, so I'm not going to. End of negotiation.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: But we'll tip you!

YOUR DRIVER: If that was even in question in your mind, I'm double-plus not doing this.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #2: [screams incoherently; lands a solid kick on a shin or something]

PUNK ROCK GUY #1: FUCK! [goes down hard on one knee on pavement, still trying to wrestle her] FUCK!

YOUR DRIVER: Are you even watching this?

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: But this is your job! I'll call your boss and get you fired!

YOUR DRIVER: Oh, so you're that kind of weasel. Check this out: It really, really doesn't work that way in this business. And even if you could force me to take her, I'd just bring her straight to Denver Detox. Step back so I can go, please.

PUNK ROCK GIRL #1: So what are we supposed to do to get her home, then? She lives way out in Aurora, and Uber is charging three times normal because it's 2am!

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, they're bastards like that. Look, calm her the fuck down, give her some water, and try Uber in half an hour. It'll be cheaper then, and if anybody deserves to deal with this shitshow it's those douchebags. Step back, please.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: [jocular tone] Hi, I need to go to 38th and Holly, do you know where that is?

MY DRIVER: That's actually where the company's station is!

YOUR DRIVER: [sighing inwardly] Yeah, I'm going to pick up my cab.

[later]

YOUR DRIVER: So yeah, then she pretty much commanded me to pull over and eat her pussy. It was totally hot, and we're kind of a thing now.

MY DRIVER: You slept with a passenger!? Holy crap!

YOUR DRIVER: Um. Yeah, I couldn't believe it, either. That shit never happens, right?

MY DRIVER: We shouldn't talk about this in here. You know the company's listening, right?

YOUR DRIVER: What?

MY DRIVER: They have the cabs bugged, so they know what we do in here.

YOUR DRIVER: If that was the case, I'dve been out on my ass ten years ago. Even if they did listen in on us, why would they care as long as I don't mess up the car? It's not like we're getting an hourly wage. Have you ever had them call you out on anything bad you did?

MY DRIVER: I don't do anything bad in here...

YOUR DRIVER: Look at it this way: Those cheap fucks don't even want to pay to staff enough dispatchers at $8/hour; you really think they hired security people to perform surveillance on us?

[Venator]

YOUR DRIVER: Look at it this way: Those cheap fucks don't even want to pay to staff enough dispatchers at $8/hour; you really think they hired security people to perform surveillance on us?

That would be more entertaining if it wasn't horribly depressing.

---

SALES REP: Alright, so I'll see you at [Location] tomorrow then. Guess you still have to make the long drive for [Client] this afternoon though?

ME: Oh, [Team Member #1] is going to be meeting you there, since it's in the [Part of City].

SALES REP: ... oh. Oh, okay. That's fine then.

ME: If it's a problem I could get [Newbie Team Member]... but if you're there plus someone from management? [Team Member] is good at [bare basics of job role].

SALES REP: Okay, sounds good! See you tomorrow.

ME: *silently crying that we still have [Team Member #1] on payroll.*

[Raw Shark]

That would be more entertaining if it wasn't horribly depressing.

I say the same thing to myself on a near-nightly basis, if it makes you feel any better.

[Tsyroc]

YOUR DRIVER: Look at it this way: Those cheap fucks don't even want to pay to staff enough dispatchers at $8/hour; you really think they hired security people to perform surveillance on us?

I would think it is illegal for them to bug your cabs, mostly because of your customers' privacy rights. I could see them being able to have video without sound in the cabs but it would likely have to be done in a way that is obvious for everyone using the cab.

[Raw Shark]

I would think it is illegal for them to bug your cabs, mostly because of your customers' privacy rights. I could see them being able to have video without sound in the cabs but it would likely have to be done in a way that is obvious for everyone using the cab.

Maybe, but I've had a cop declare that somebody in the back seat was drunk in a public area and take them to detox, and everybody in a public area can reasonably assume that they're being recorded, so I wouldn't think so. Doesn't matter anyway, because the idea that the company would spend money on that when they're reluctant to spend it on the essential functions of the business is completely ludicrous; MY DRIVER is just paranoid. He dropped a few hints that he's into some other foilhat stuff, too, like the secret city under DIA, but the ride sadly wasn't long enough to dig for nuggets of gold down that rabbit hole.

[Borgholio]

like the secret city under DIA

Oh I've heard of that. Been through DIA a couple times myself and it's easy to see how someone could think that all that wasted space MUST be used for something else...

[Raw Shark]

Between the giant, blue, killer horse statue with the glowing red eyes, and some of the interior art, the place is a little creepy, and it definitely has a sprawling layout (it's actually the largest airport in terms of square mileage in the USA, but they rent a lot of the extra space out to frackers), but if I was the Illuminati, I'd probably build my Rocky Mountain secret underground HQ under Buckley AFB or the Denver CBD if I couldn't just co-opt Cheyenne Mountain.

[Napoleon the Clown]

Pft, the Illuminati's Secret Underground Base in the Rockies is under Temple Square in Salt Lake. The Angel Moroni on top of the Salt Lake City Temple? His trumpet is aimed to connect to a kill-sat in case anybody credible discovers their secret. Why do you think there's a tunnel network running around under the city?*

Fortunately, I am not credible. Which means I'm safe. Probably.

*Not entirely bullshit, as I recall. There's some tunnels that allow LDS officials to move about between certain buildings more quickly and without being jostled by the crowds.

[Raw Shark]

SELF-ENTITLED DRUNKASS BITCH: Hi, can you take me to Cap Hill?

YOUR DRIVER: No, I just got rear-ended, sorry. I've got to wait here for the cops and file a police report.

SELF-ENTITLED DRUNKASS BITCH: Seriously?

YOUR DRIVER: I am as serious as a heart attack. It just happened two minutes ago, and I can't go anywhere until I deal with this.

SELF-ENTITLED DRUNKASS BITCH: Oh, so you're going to be that guy?

YOUR DRIVER: I assure you, this sucks for me more than you. You have to wait a few minutes; I'm out of work for the night.

SELF-ENTITLED DRUNKASS BITCH: [storming off] I promise you, no!

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: [name!] Long time, no see!

INSURANCE / LIABILITY LADY: That's a good thing, [name].

YOUR DRIVER: I know, right? Not that I don't.. um, like.. seeing you, that is?

INSURANCE / LIABILITY LADY: Have a seat.

YOUR DRIVER: Yes, ma'am.

[White Haven]

Many's the time I've been on the receiving end of that conversation with my own customers.

[Raw Shark]

I/LL is unfortunately not a customer, but the person up at the company who I have to answer to every time I get into a collision at work.

[White Haven]

Yes, I got that context. I am, similarly, the person who my long-time customers see when they've descended into the Viral Sewers yet again.

[Raw Shark]

So, in my continuing efforts to bring you insane stripper stories, I acquired a fairly-sedate one (sorry there hasn't been more drama):

CUTE RED-HAIRED STRIPPER: You write about this stuff on the internet?

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, the thing where you talk to your cats was a huge hit.

CUTE RED-HAIRED STRIPPER: I'm not sure whether to be flattered or creeped-out.

YOUR DRIVER: I'd accept both. At least I told you, right?

CUTE RED-HAIRED STRIPPER: Well, yeah. [beat] Do you want to smoke some pot at my place? Nobody else is up who isn't shitfaced, and I don't really want to be alone right now.

YOUR DRIVER: Of course.

CUTE RED-HAIRED STRIPPER: It's lonely being a sober vampire.

YOUR DRIVER: You can say that again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

tl;dr: I friended Crazy Cat Lady. This can only lead to entertainment.

[Dominus Atheos]

Which one as that? This one?

CUTE REDHEAD STRIPPER: Tonight was so bad, I'm going to have to apologize to my cats for not making enough to buy new kitty litter!

YOUR DRIVER: What do these cat apologies of yours sound like, typically?

CRS: [high-pitched falsetto] I'm sorry, babies! Mommy's sorry! Mommy just didn't strip hard enough tonight!

Or was there more?

[LaCroix]

Designers, all last month : We need to write one more business activity database entry if the user doies this or that - code it.
Designers, today: We have a problem, when we open this one customer file, and look at their Businass Activity log, the system freezes and crashes with an out of memory error. We asked host, they say that guy has over 400000 activities in the log. Can you do something against that?

Me: Well, obvious solution is obvious - maybe we should write less of them?
They: ....

Honestly, I doubt Stalinist Russia or the Stasi had activity logs on people in a detail we do have - at some point it starts to get hillarious. For fun, we proposed to maybe add a mousetracker log, as well, so they can revise how the mouse moved, and how much idle time it had on what section of the GUI... I swear, they were looking pensive for a moment before they caught on and started laughing.

[Raw Shark]

Which one as that? This one? [snip]

Or was there more?

That's the one. I also met (probably most of) the cats. No weird shenanigans yet, but she makes me laugh.

[salm]

Honestly, I doubt Stalinist Russia or the Stasi had activity logs on people in a detail we do have - at some point it starts to get hillarious. For fun, we proposed to maybe add a mousetracker log, as well, so they can revise how the mouse moved, and how much idle time it had on what section of the GUI... I swear, they were looking pensive for a moment before they caught on and started laughing.

I heard that one company that I could do work for tracks their employees and freelancers with mouse tracking in order to check if they spend little enough time on facebook and things like that.
Not sure if it is true as there is a lot of nonsensical gossip in this industry but I wouldn´t be surprised if it was true either. Some bosses are very paranoid.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: ...but yeah, what really burns my ass about Kegs & Eggs is that they're still allowed to camp on the sidewalk, after the government changed the law to ban that to get rid of Occupy Denver. 1st Amendment rights to peacefully protest, not to mention people who are actually homeless, can go fuck themselves, but a drinking event at an Irish bar can occupy as much public property as it wants?

DRUNK RIGHT-WING MEATHEAD: Yeah, protesters and the homeless can go fuck themselves! Fuck protesters and the homeless! They should all just get jobs, I couldn't agree with you more.

YOUR DRIVER: [facepalm]