Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Kanastrous]

Ladders and scaffolds and platforms with railings
Knee walls and box beams assembled with nailings
Translights and backdrops with grommeted rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Shooting on backlots and out on location
Prepping and striking and asset creation
Big moving set pieces hanging in slings
These are a few of my favorite things

Gennies and gold rooms and screenplays with pages
Screenings in theaters and building on stages
Settling when the rehearsal bell rings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the checks bounce
When the plug's pulled
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

[Raw Shark]

Ladders and scaffolds and platforms with railings
Knee walls and box beams assembled with nailings
Translights and backdrops with grommeted rings
These are a few of my favorite things [snip]

I know I'm not alone in this, but you're my favorite person here.

[Kanastrous]

stop, my head's swelling!

[Iroscato]

stop, my head's swelling!

TMI, dude...TMI.

[Kanastrous]

"We want the town to look like it was designed by hookers."

"Drunk hookers."

"Drunk Scottish hookers."

[LadyTevar]

Drunk Scottish Hookers?

ok, that is just too fuckin' funny. And your filk to "Favorite Things" was awesome

[Raw Shark]

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY WEEKEND 2015:

DRUNK VETERAN: Can you drive my lady home?

YOUR DRIVER: That girl is completely shitfaced. Can she walk to the cab without you holding her up?

DRUNK VETERAN: No, but I served in Iraq!

YOUR DRIVER: Um, thanks, I guess? But that really doesn't motivate me to clean up barf.

DRUNK VETERAN: [throws a temper tantrum as I drive away]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Fucking Parade Day. It's like one of the best and worst days of my whole year.

YOUR DRIVER: You're singing my song, [name]. I've got the rent money in the bag, if I live to pay it.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: I actually had a guy almost throw up on me while I was doing a lap dance.

YOUR DRIVER: Gross. I had to hose this thing off twice, but nobody got the interior this year. I bet you make fat loot with the red hair and freckles.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Fuck yeah I do! I haven't even counted it yet, look at my purse. I'll be the belle of the ball all weekend, and I'm not even Irish!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR DRIVER: Hey, [name], how's it going?

MY FAVORITE HOMELESS GUY: I'm doing great, thanks! I told everybody I'm Irish, and some guy just gave me this PBR!

YOUR DRIVER: Aren't you like Italian or something?

MY FAVORITE HOMELESS GUY: Uh-huh! Hey, why can't you borrow money from a Leprechaun?

YOUR DRIVER: You got me.

MY FAVORITE HOMELESS GUY: Because he's always a little short! What do ghosts drink on St. Patty's Day?

YOUR DRIVER: I dunno, what?

MY FAVORITE HOMELESS GUY: BOOOOOOOZE! Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any cigarettes would you?

YOUR DRIVER: Actually I just found half a pack like an hour ago, it's all yours bud.

MY FAVORITE HOMELESS GUY: The luck o' the Irish!

[Borgholio]

DRUNK VETERAN: [throws a temper tantrum as I drive away]

Yeah I've run into this. I was at Seattle Airport with my wife flying back from visiting my family up there when this asshole tried to use his veteran status to get free everything and threw a temper tantrum that there wasn't room for him and his 10 bags on an already crowded bus.

I mean yeah, you serve in the military then you should be thanked with perks here and there and then general goodwill of the people you served. You should have easy access to healthcare, college education and things like that. But for fucks sake that doesn't mean you deserve everything on a silver platter at the expense of everyone else. Screaming that you're a veteran and demanding the airport staff violate safety regulations and / or the laws of physics is NOT going to endear us to any sacrifices you might have made.

*end rant*

That homeless dude? He's awesome.

[Raw Shark]

DRUNK VETERAN: [throws a temper tantrum as I drive away]

Yeah I've run into this. I was at Seattle Airport with my wife flying back from visiting my family up there when this asshole tried to use his veteran status to get free everything and threw a temper tantrum that there wasn't room for him and his 10 bags on an already crowded bus.

I mean yeah, you serve in the military then you should be thanked with perks here and there and then general goodwill of the people you served. You should have easy access to healthcare, college education and things like that. But for fucks sake that doesn't mean you deserve everything on a silver platter at the expense of everyone else. Screaming that you're a veteran and demanding the airport staff violate safety regulations and / or the laws of physics is NOT going to endear us to any sacrifices you might have made.

*end rant*

Yeah, expecting more than respect and/or a free beer for that is IMHO douchebaggery.

That homeless dude? He's awesome.

Yeah, he's pretty funny and down to earth all things considered. I love the guy enough to immortalize him and give him stuff but not enough to let him stay on my couch, if you know what I mean.

[Raw Shark]

Not really a single conversation, but this is what happens when you start hanging out with strippers:

THE COLLECTED WISDOM OF MY FAVORITE STRIPPER (FORMERLY KNOWN AS CUTE RED-HEAD STRIPPER); PART I:

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: I kind of think that it's really dumb how much people pay me to take my clothes off. I don't even like wearing clothes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Johnny Cash is a little asshole because his Sun Sign is Gemini but his Moon sign is Scorpio.

YOUR DRIVER: Have you done a full astrological chart for all of your cats?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: No! Of course not. Just the ones I know the precise time and date of birth for.

YOUR DRIVER: Of course.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: At least it wasn't a full moon!

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I think the full moon has a psychological effect on people.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: I think it's more physical! The moon pulls on water like with the tides, and we're made out of water 75%, right?

YOUR DRIVER: Okay...

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: So the full moon pulls people's brains around like crazy, and screws up everything! At least it wasn't a full moon!

YOUR DRIVER: [keeps mouth shut about skepticism]

[Lagmonster]

So, she ain't taking the "I'm working my way through college" route, then...

[Raw Shark]

So, she ain't taking the "I'm working my way through college" route, then...

EDIT: Okay, so I got the whole story. Turns out she's actually more educated than I am, but never paid for it by stripping. Her Dad owns a bunch of used car dealerships, so he's got a lot of money but not crazy fuck off money. He doesn't send her any, but he will pay her tuition any time she's in school, so she just kept going to school because it came easily and she had no idea what else to do with herself. Then she got into law school, had to actually work hard, and her casual coke habit became a raging daily thing to help her stay up and cope with the stress. She started stripping on the weekends to pay for that, then burned out, lost ambition, didn't even want to be a lawyer anymore, and dropped out to focus on doing coke full-time.

That was going fine, until the coke dealer / boyfriend she was living with got caught and had to go away for a few years, which sent her into an epic tailspin that she's just now coming back from. She's not dumb, but she's destroyed billions of brain cells, and she expends a lot of her intelligence on rationalizing some really dumb ideas, to paraphrase Penn Jillette. Once in a while she'll sound smart, but then she'll say cats have souls or some bullshit.

[Raw Shark]

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Yeah, Camilla likes to sit up there on her hammock and look at you like she's silently judging you, but she's actually just not very bright.

YOUR DRIVER: Which one's the smartest?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Montana, definitely. She even does a trick!

YOUR DRIVER: One of your cats does a trick?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: Yeah, watch. [squeaky cat voice] Montana! Montana! C'mere, baby! C'mere! [time passes before the cat decides to un-ass itself and come over] Montana, Banana! Montana, Banana! Montana, Banana!

MONTANA THE CAT: [bends herself into a backwards crescent shape and rolls back and forth on the floor energetically]

YOUR DRIVER: I can't decide if that's the best or dumbest trick ever.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: It's both!

[Lagmonster]

The only stripper story I have involving professionals comes from years ago. A colleague from the Oilseed Centre was getting hitched, so some uncreative types took him out for a generic guy's night. He had the following sad, sad (highly paraphrased from water-cooler tales) conversation with a girl:

Her: "What do you do, babe?"
Him: "I'm a pedologist".
Her: "Oh, you work with little kids! That's so adorable!"
Him: "...no, that's pediatrics."
Her: <lifting a leg> "Oh, a foot doctor?"
Him: <pause, clearly losing erection> "No, that's a podiatrist."
Her: "So what is your thing?"
Him: <big pause> "...dirt scientist."
Her: <not missing one beat> "Don't worry, I can make that sexy too."

[Borgholio]

MONTANA THE CAT: [bends herself into a backwards crescent shape and rolls back and forth on the floor energetically]

That really is an awesome cat.

[Kanastrous]

A cat doing pretty much anything on-command is pretty impressive.

[Raw Shark]

Her: "So what is your thing?"
Him: <big pause> "...dirt scientist."
Her: <not missing one beat> "Don't worry, I can make that sexy too."

Gotta love a true professional...

[Kanastrous]

"We'll have to take off that back room on the whore house. I can't see any way to support it."

"But it's a -whore house-. It's not -supposed- to have any visible means of support."

[Raw Shark]

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY 2015, CONTINUED:

DISABLED HANDS: God fucking damnit, Kirby! This is all your fault! You started that shit!

KIRBY: I did not! The girls started it themselves!

DISABLED HANDS: That's my sister, Kirby! You got my sister beat down!

KIRBY: I did not! I squared off with homeboy, and she tried to jump Shortie when my back was turned.

DISABLED HANDS: She came with you, and she beat my sister the fuck up!

KIRBY: That's not my fault. I didn't tell your sister to swing on her.

DISABLED HANDS: I swear to God, if my windows are broken when we get there, I'm gonna fuck you up, Kirby!

KIRBY: You can't even fuck yourself, you fucking cripple!

YOUR DRIVER: Let's take this down a notch, guys.

[Raw Shark]

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY 2015, THE "FUCK, IT'S FINALLY OVER" EDITION:

SHITFACED GIRL: [stops making out] You're so gorgeous, with your beard and your eyeballs...

SHITFACED GUY: Yeah, you too, baby.

[time passes]

SHITFACED GIRL: [stops making out] Where are you taking me?

SHITFACED GUY: We were going to my place, remember?

SHITFACED GIRL: Do you have your own apartment?

SHITFACED GUY: No, I just moved here from Michigan, so I'm staying with my friend at his house right now.

SHITFACED GIRL: Do you have a room?

SHITFACED GUY: Yeah, I have a room.

SHITFACED GIRL: You better! You better not be trying to fuck me on your friend's couch! I'm a lady.

SHITFACED GUY: Yeah, yeah, of course you are.

SHITFACED GIRL: "Yeah, yeah, of course you are." Fuck you! Fuck your face.

SHITFACED GUY: Fuck your face!

SHITFACED GIRL: You better fuck my face!

SHITFACED GUY: [confused] I will, I promise!

YOUR DRIVER: [laughs]

SHITFACED GIRL: You better! [leans over and unzips him]

YOUR DRIVER: Uh, guys? Guys. Still sitting right here in the car with you.

SHITFACED GIRL: Oh, sorry! Was that super awkward?

YOUR DRIVER: Y'think?

[at the drop-off]

YOUR DRIVER: Alright, you kids have fun.

SHITFACED GIRL: Here, you can have my [ed: huge, shamrock-shaped, multiple strobe light-containing] necklace, because you're a pimp!

YOUR DRIVER: Uh, thanks..? . . . o O (Why the fuck would I want that obnoxious- Oh wait!)

[later that night]

YOUR DRIVER: So I know we just met and all, but I got you some jewelery for Saint Patrick's Day...

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: This is the most tacky thing ever. My cats are going to go nuts! [hug!]

[Borgholio]

That could not have gone smoother if you had planned it.

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, and all I had to do for it was nearly witness a fat man getting a hummer.

People give me the most random crap as a "tip" all the time, and I think this might actually be the first time I actually found a use for something non-consumable, even if it was just as a cat toy. Cans of Red Bull are the most common thing; for some reason (probably because I work graveyard and they assume that I was up all day first), a large fraction of the people I take to 7-11 think I want a Red Bull without asking, then mentally deduct its cost from the tip. Meanwhile, I can't stand the stuff and just give it away to the guy I give cigarettes to.

[Broomstick]

At least someone gets some use of it.

Have you considered writing a book? Wait, I think we've asked you that before...

[Kanastrous]

You -absolutely- must write a book. Which must be adapted into a screenplay.

Not having met you I don't know about casting but let's start with Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Borgholio]

I'd buy the hardcover for sure.