Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Have you considered writing a book? Wait, I think we've asked you that before...

You -absolutely- must write a book. Which must be adapted into a screenplay.

I'd buy the hardcover for sure.

Thanks! I'll get off my ass and do it someday, probably. It'd mean I'd have to stop posting all my best material here for a while, though.

Not having met you I don't know about casting but let's start with Jake Gyllenhaal.

No resemblance, but it'd make a lot more money that way.

Of course, a movie studio would want creative control. They'd probably screw it up and turn it into some kind of action / romantic comedy where MFS (played very badly by Bryce Howard, over my insistence on Felicia Day) is the unlikely redemption story / love interest and I get into a car chase at some point. Of course, then I could maybe have fans on the internet who're outraged at the changes, like George R. R. Martin... Oh hey, speaking of which, what if HBO picked it up? An episodic format would suit the material way better, aaaand my head officially does not fit out the door anymore.

[Kanastrous]

At a certain point one just collects one's royalties and lets the rest slide.

[Zaune]

Failing that, try pitching it to Channel 4 over here in the UK. They did a pretty good job with Sirens, which was an adaptation in the sense that it took the work-related anecdotes of one blogger (Tom Reynolds of the sadly-defunct Random Acts Of Reality) and divided them between three original characters.

[Raw Shark]

THE COLLECTED WISDOM OF MY FAVORITE STRIPPER, PART II:

YOUR DRIVER: When I die, I want to be cremated and fired out of a cannon on a boat into the Atlantic ocean by a clown. How about you?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: When I die, I want to be fed to the lions at the zoo! Y'know, the circle of life and everything.

YOUR DRIVER: You scare me a little, sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: My feet are killing me. Do you want to give each other footrubs?

YOUR DRIVER: That sounds amazing, actually. My driving foot cramps up like you wouldn't believe after a few hours at work.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: [very abridged] You know, there are pressure points in your feet that correspond to your whole body. There's a whole body of Eastern medicine based on it. Like, if I rub right here, I'm actually rubbing your liver.

YOUR DRIVER: What you're doing is great and you should definitely keep doing it, but I'm really, really skeptical about that stuff.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: That's because you're a Capricorn!

~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR DRIVER: So I drove Mystique the other night. She lives way the fuck out in east Aurora, and she only tipped me five bucks because we had to detour around construction.

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: That little cuntface! I can't stand her. Me and Pandora call her Mistake, because of the cold sores. Also she really doesn't deserve a name from the X-Men. I mean, at least wear blue body paint or something. And I've walked in on her being gross in the back room like four times.

YOUR DRIVER: Being gross how, exactly?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: You know... [sticks her thumb in her mouth sideways and vigorously jabs the inside of her cheek, bulging her eyes with each thrust]

[Raw Shark]

NOT A CONVERSATION, BUT OBSERVED AT WORK:

GRINNING, INTENSE-EYED HOMELESS GUY: [holding a cardboard sign that reads] WILL KIDNAP YOUR EX FOR FOOD!

[Kanastrous]

Bet that guy looks well-fed.

[Raw Shark]

Bet that guy looks well-fed.

He had kind of a Young Charlie Manson thing going on. I sort of wanted to strike up a conversation just to find out if he was for real or just trying to make people laugh, but he was a little too freaky.

[Venator]

Partly fitting for the relationship thread, but I don't want to double-post...

*Something comes up on TV, her ladyship mentioning how she likes the rugged-older-guy look.*
Her: "Hey, you're going to look great when you're older."
Me: "When I'm older? Have you SEEN these grey hairs lately?"
*Points to head*
Me: "This one is named after [Coworker #1], this one is named after [Coworker #2], this one, no, this half of my head is named after [Coworker #3]..."

[Borgholio]

Bet that guy looks well-fed.

He had kind of a Young Charlie Manson thing going on. I sort of wanted to strike up a conversation just to find out if he was for real or just trying to make people laugh, but he was a little too freaky.

In San Francisco on the Wharf there are lots of people who put up signs just for shits and giggles. "Need Cash for Hash", "Not gonna lie to you, need money for booze", "Need platonic sugar daddy..."

[Zaune]

Well, in that situation you can either laugh or cry.

[Raw Shark]

BUSINESS TRAVEL GUY: Can't we go any faster? My flight leaves in forty-five minutes!

YOUR DRIVER: Look, this stretch of road is crawling with cops. If we get pulled over, you will definitely miss your flight. I can't go any faster unless we get a rabbit.

BUSINESS TRAVEL GUY: A rabbit?

YOUR DRIVER: You know, a cop magnet.

BUSINESS TRAVEL GUY: Okay, okay. [pause] C'mon, cop magnet. C'mon, cop magnet.

[a couple minutes pass]

RED LAMBORGHINI: [ROARS BY AT A SPEED APPROACHING THAT OF SOUND]

YOUR DRIVER: Wow. Wanna conjure me a winning lottery ticket next?

BUSINESS TRAVEL GUY: Yeah, I'd say that qualifies.

YOUR DRIVER: Buckle up, amigo.

[Borgholio]

Seriously, how do we get in touch with you if we're visiting Denver and we need a cab?

[Raw Shark]

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: So where're you from, bro?

YOUR DRIVER: I grew up in Massachusetts.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: What brought you out here?

YOUR DRIVER: Everything! I love the sun, and the dry air, everybody's happy, the economy's great, and the women are hot.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: True that!

[time passes]

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: So where're you from, bro?

YOUR DRIVER: I grew up in Massachusetts.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: What brought you out here?

YOUR DRIVER: Love the climate.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: Word!

[time passes]

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: So where're you from, dawg?

YOUR DRIVER: [needs to entertain himself somehow] I grew up in Seattle, Washington.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: What brought you out here?

YOUR DRIVER: I fell in love with the wrong woman.

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: Women.

[time passes]

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: So where're you from, man?

YOUR DRIVER: I was born on the Ivory Coast of Africa!

BLACKED-OUT BRODUDE: Whoa, you don't have an accent or anything!

YOUR DRIVER: Thanks! I took a class for years.

[Kanastrous]

Increasingly I feel that this board needs a "like" button a la Facebook's.

[Arthur_Tuxedo]

BUSINESS NETWORKING BUDDY: At the last meeting [regional president] seemed to think we had elected you president of this chapter.

ME: Finally someone recognizes my greatness and the inevitability of my rise to power... either that or he has early-onset Alzheimer's.

BUSINESS NETWORKING BUDDY: I'd go with the second one.

[Broomstick]

Somebody was having a party last night - EIGHT condom boxes broken into, and this time it wasn't just one condom missing from each, it was ALL of them.

[Iroscato]

Increasingly I feel that this board needs a "like" button a la Facebook's.

Nah, articulating our appreciation for a post with words is always better than what the Facebook Hordes do
But seriously Raw Shark, publish that goddamn book. In the words of Stark to Kanastrous "I find myself endlessly fascinated by your career."

[Thanas]

You know Stark was being sarcastic, right?

[Zaune]

Somebody was having a party last night - EIGHT condom boxes broken into, and this time it wasn't just one condom missing from each, it was ALL of them.

Aren't there multiple charitable organisations that give away free condoms to the indigent?

[Broomstick]

Yep.

I dunno... maybe it's some teen age or college rite of passage to steal condoms.

I certainly never had problems acquiring them when needed without resorting to larceny.

[Kanastrous]

You know Stark was being sarcastic, right?

He was?

Oh.

[Iroscato]

You know Stark was being sarcastic, right?

Stark? Sarcastic? Never heard such nonsense.
Either way I quoted it out of sincerity

[Zaune]

I certainly never had problems acquiring them when needed without resorting to larceny.

Huh. Your adolesence must have been far more eventful than I'd previously imagined.

[Broomstick]

Us old farts were young and naughty once, too.

[Borgholio]

Us old farts were young and naughty once, too.

Some of us are still naughty. My wife refers to me as her perverted old man.