The Thanasiad [CKII LP] [NO 56k]

[Thanas]

Yep. Most likely completely fictional but still funny.

[Dominus Atheos]

Do you have Sunset Invasion? The Aztecs should have invaded by now...

[Steve]

They took one look at the Roman Empire reborn and decided to stay the hell away.

Honestly, Thanas, at this rate you might want to hold off on further conquests, if only because EUIV's gonna be helluva boring unless you start releasing subordinate kingdoms as independent states. Or have the mother of all civil wars that tears the Empire to shreds.

[Skywalker_T-65]

Do you have Sunset Invasion? The Aztecs should have invaded by now...

IIRC, Thanas said that's the one DLC he isn't using.

[Thanas]

Yeah, I'll take france and restore the Rhine border and then that'll be it. I'll then pledge peace for 15 years or so.

[Thanas]

BTW , given that we are on our last three rulers (unless they die very quickly or so), what should be the next foci?
I would like to try hunting again - maybe it is not as boring as it appeared at first.

That leaves two left to choose.
So:
- seduction
- business (our first one, but we don't need money)
- stewardship (pretty passive but good for keeping the realm happy)
- family (ditto, plus more children)
- carousing (wasn't a favorite but maybe worth trying again)
- intrigue (seemed boring but maybe worth trying again)
- war (ditto)
- theology (ditto)
- scholarship (already exhausted both paths but maybe try again).

Suggestions?

[phred]

Intrigue and stewardship?

Intrigue to see if you can have some fun with it this time.
Stewardship last to really solidify the realm. See if you can finish up as some sort of god emperor.

[Thanas]

Yeah and stewardship would also explain for RP purposes the change in state org from CKII to EUIV.

[LaCroix]

How much will be lost in translation when moving from CKII to EUIV?

As I see, you had a lot of investment in provinces - are you going to keep that? Same for tech levels - are they to stay or will you fall back to default levels?

[Thanas]

How much will be lost in translation when moving from CKII to EUIV?

Nearly everything.

As I see, you had a lot of investment in provinces - are you going to keep that? Same for tech levels - are they to stay or will you fall back to default levels?

These will all default to either a lvl 1 or lvl 2 fort when converted, the engines do not allow for more overlap.

A particular bad point when converting are the cultures, many provinces don't carry over the cultures so that will lead to me having to "fix" cultures at the start of the EUIV playthrough. Otherwise you end up with the famous "noculture" in a lot of provinces.

A lot of provinces also do not carry over period, meaning the map will not look as beautiful and clean as the CKII map.

[Thanas]

Meletios the accidental Emperor


This is us. I never expected us to become Emperor, because I had two great purple-born before him. But they died in infancy so there you go. At least he is both attractive and quick.

For focus I chose hunting again, trying to find out what would happen.


Our realm. So large it doesn't even fit on the screen.

Of particular interest is the theocracy of france.

Meanwhile, Roman Sweden has nearly completed taking over the last viking holdings, ending centuries of raids.


We started off our campaign against the theocracy by attacking the Duchy of Artois, seeking to link up Roman Flanders with Roman Normandy.

Emperor Meletios bravely led his own armies.


Artois was ours.


A war with Schwaben was quickly won.

From The great Northern War, by Eduardius Gibbon, Londinium 1960

"It is often assumed that these victories made Meletios overconfident. He believed that with his strength and leadership, the Roman Army could quickly overcome any obstacle. Therefore, he declared war on Saxony with the Aim of winning some strategic strongholds in the North and West...

...A Roman Army composed of the Flanders, Swedish, Aquitanian and Spanish levies was assembled near Copenhagen. Meletios thought the north of Saxony was especially vulnerable to attack, hoping to smash through the small castles there and capture the Capitol of Saxony in one quick stroke...Trusting his Spanish armies, who had bested knights before, he set out to attack a force that was about two-thirds the size of the Roman Army....

...at first, the battle went well, with the Spanish exhibiting their usual competence...

...unfortunately for the Romans, the Saxons had gathered another force and were now quickly marching northwards to reinforce their army there. The fresh Saxon troops fell upon the exhausted Spanish, forcing the center to give way. Try as he might, Meletios could not rally his troops and all that was left to him was to concede the field...

...after the troops were rallied again, the Saxons gave no quarter and attacked again, essentially destroying the Spanish force...

...the Emperor had to flee into a nearby castle with what little remained of the army. Here he hoped that the reinforcements ordered from Sicily, Africa and Mauretania would arrive soon...

...and arrive they did, falling upon the surprised saxons.

The weakened saxon Army was wiped out as the Sicilians avenged their Spanish comrades.


After the defeat of two more Saxon armies, the Saxon king surrendered and turned over the disputed territories..


Thank you dear.

Faithful, in remembrance of the dead Spanish.


And so our lifelong hunt begins....

We once again had to adjudicate juridical disputes...

ALL SHIPWRECKS BELONG TO THE CROWN.

A french rebellion allowed us to quickly snatch the duchy of Limousin before the theocracy had time to react.



So we are now quick, attractive and strong? Holy crap. All that is missing is the genius trait and we would be superhuman.

More disputes:

Yeah, rights have to be respected, even if it is the grubby church.

We wanted to bring civilization to our southern neighbours:

They somehow did not look kindly upon our priest preaching towards them. This affront to Rome would not be forgotten.

We promptly declared war.

However, the African tribes mobilized quicker and a force of spearmen soon started to ravage our trading posts. However, the levies form Mauretania, though they lost a third due to desert attrition, soon put a stop to this.

The enemy chieftain soon recognized the error of his ways and converted to the one true faith, in exchange keeping his lands and independence.

The dignity of Rome had been restored and civilization had been brought to the south. A good day's work.

(to be continued below)

[Thanas]

(continued from above)

While we were campaigning in the south, the Saxons had once again attacked the french. As usual, they won after completely exhausting themselves. This time they had taken Paris.

We quickly took it from them, them being too weakened to really put up a huge fight.

They retaliated by sending an army...


...but this time, the reconstituted Spanish army prevailed.
Paris was once again a Roman city.

Meanwhile, we continued hunting for the Great White Stag:

..but suffered a grievous loss.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Now that our guard dog was dead, some creeps started to come out of the woodwork.

*shudder*
The Varangian Guard promptly committed enhanced interrogation among the servants to find out who had sent it, but the execution of all who confessed did not bring us any peace. We promptly ordered three Varangians to stay near us at any time.

Meanwhile, in France:

The people of France finally broke the joke of the theocracy and returned to a more sane form of Government - a feudal monarchy.

We quickly tested their strength by declaring our intentions to reconquer the Grand County of Champagne.

Our force was composed of two columns - first column being our Spanish and Burgundy levies, the second being our Flanders and Aquitanian and Lombard levies.

While the second column was busy besieging castles, the first one was attacked by the French Army. We thought they could easily hold.

This was a mistake, for the French heavy knights this time cut through their lines.

However, they were too weakened to survive the attack of the second column.

Champagne was ours. We now had enough territory to be crowned King of France in Paris and Reims.

The french kingdom promptly shattered and we started to offer the French dukes and archbishops forgiveness if they would recognize us as their rightful ruler.

Nearly all of them did so:


(snip further declarations of allegiance)


Only two independent realms remained.

We transferred the Kingdom of France and all its titles to our half brother, the Duke of Flanders and Normandy. Now there would be another member of the House of Thanas on another of the great European thrones.

He quickly forced the remaining French dukes to swear fealty to him.

Soon, another Roman province was restored, this time the province being the former heartland of the Western Roman Empire:

Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres was soon another favourite quote heard in Roman schools once more...

We celebrated our success by taking several hunting trips in the new province...

Yes, join me. More courtiers are always good.


A beatiful young women alone in the woods? (Witch alert)

Sure, come with me.

Hmmm...attractive, quick, lustful and a schemer. Yup, definitely what you'd expect from an average forest dweller (though she made a good mistress).


Some more border skirmishes with Saxony....easily resolved now.


NOBODY MAKES FUN OF MY COURTIERS EXCEPT ME.

Meanwhile, cinnamon was now coming in via new trade routes and we developed a quick taste for it:


...maybe too much of a taste for it. Cinnamon flavoured fish? UGH.




Our unhealthy obsession for Cinnamon lead us to forgo any furhter conquests, although we could already see the Rhine frontier in sight.


Almost at the Rhine. Almost.



This was the last time the Stag and we saw each other, for our wife died and we promptly married a young woman from Flanders...
...a wife we were rather smitten with and spent as much time in the bedchamber as possible...


...which, as it turns out, wasn't the best for our old heart, which gave out during one of those times...

(though I don't know why the game would call that being bedridden and infirm. I would call it a frigging awesome way to go)

Tl, DR: Meletios was a great emperor despite having never been expected to become Emperor in the first place and despite suffering a few heavy setbacks early on.

[Iroscato]

You quite literally have them by the balls. Now work the shaft, Emperor! Work the shaft!

[Tribble]

Well, I guess now we know who this Emperor was related to:

[phred]

Is there just nobody worth conquering in the grey area?

[Esquire]

It's terra nullis, I think - nothing there at all, too inhospitable.

[Flagg]

Cock.

[Thanas]

I feel sorry for you and your misshapen genitals, Flagg.

[Thanas]

Julius III, the Shadow-Ruler


This is us. We chose the intrigue focus.
Sadly, it still sucks and is boring as hell. Only suited for counts and dukes, not for rulers.

Like, you can try to free people from captivity:

But why? You can just pay for them to go free and with a continent-wide empire, you don't need them anyway.


War with Saxony, again, to get more of our de jure land.

We pounced on the first Saxon Army:



However, the Saxons had assembled their forces and marched to meet us:

This was an epic battle that took place over 15 days and ended with the total destruction of the Northern Saxon Army, after which they sued for peace.




Luxemburg was our next target. Can you see the Rhine frontier already?

The Iron Khan

However, soon after that conquest was complete, dire news came from the east. Yet another mongol horde had arrived.




From "The Extermination of the Mongol state", by Legate Iustinianus Martellus, Paris 1509:
The third and final invasion of the Roman Empire by the Mongol hordes happened the same way the first invasion by the Ilkhanate did. The Timurids arrived at the steppes, hoping to swarm us. However, the Romans had put the lessons to heart. The Mongols were greeted by arrows and catapults as the populace retreated into fortified villages and towns. Though they took several of the smaller villages, no major holding ever fell to the Mongols. While the castles served as the first breakwater, the Roman forces were mobilizing.

The Armies of Persia, Mesopotamia, Arabia, Armenia and Georgia were collected and ordered to move eastwards.

The first of the columns, composed of the Persian and Armenian levies, met the largest of the Mongol armies near Kokand.

During the first invasion of Persia, the Ilkhanate had had surprise and a technological advantage on their side. This time, they had neither, for the Persians had now spent decades perfecting the art of mongol-slaying.

The Persian army, with its backbone in foot archers and heavy infantry, weathered the Mongol charge tactics and inflicted heavy casualties on the Mongol in return. Most of those casulties were the result of the Pavise tactic and the incorporation of the heavy welsh longbow into the Roman Army. In essence, the main Roman host resembled a moving mobile fortification, whereas the leather armor of the Mongols gave them little protection against the bodkin arrows.

Although the Mongols were reinforced by another army of theirs, giving them numerical superiority,

the Romans held strong and refused to break.

In fact, the Mongols broke first, allowing the Roman left flank to move through and attack their Centre.


In the end, it was left flank against left flank, but the Roman heavy cataphracts, now having better mobility due to the addition of the Southern French heavy cavalry horses, the Percherons, simply charged and cut down the Mongols on their puny steppe ponies.

The Romans claimed the field.

The Mongols tried to run towards the south, not knowing that a trap awaited them.

For the arab and Mesopotamian armies were already lying in wait.

The Mongols sacrificed a thousand of their number to allow the main army to escape, but to no avail - the Romans had the advantage of logistics, whereas every water hole had been denied to the Mongols by the scorched earth strategy the Khivan army had employed before retreating to their castles. Thus, many mongols perished of thirst and starvation. But they would soon be joined by their comrades, for the Roman Armies caught up with them.




A band of mongols tried to break away to the east, hoping to save their lives by running to the steppes.

But the Khivan army sallied from its castles and held them in place long enough for the main force to arrive.


The Roman Army took no prisoners. Those that surrendered were executed on the spot, their heads put on pikes and their bones left to rot on the steppe. Only the three main generals were allowed to be taken alive.


Timur, leader of the Timurids, waited for months and months of any news from the west. But not a single one of his soldiers ever returned to his yurt. Then, slowly, travelling merchants started to spread tales of the great calamity that had befallen his people. The power of the Timurids was forever broken. This was the last time a Mongol ever dared to attack the western people.


A great triumph was held in Rome and Constantinople.


After which the three Mongol Generals which had lead the hordes were executed in the Colisseum. The Emperor had ordered that lions and tigers be brought forth.




The Iron Khan had broven to be brittle. Europe was safe.

(to be continued below)

[Thanas]

(continued from above)


The restoration of the Rhine frontier
The Emperor turned his attention to the west again.

He could now usurp the title of Oberlothringen. (now Germania superior once more)

The vassals gladly swore fealty, including:

The Arch-bishop of Trier.

Augusta Treverorum, one of the six great cities of the Roman Empire and once being the capital of the Roman Empire, was a Roman city once more. Soon, its great baths, once the second-largest in the Empire, would be rebuilt and the city would regain its former glory.

Meanwhile, we used our intrigue focus to spread lies about one possible enemy:

Soon, the rival had to defend himself against caricatures like "1 solidus is too much for him" etc.

...and that was about the range of useful stuff.


I regularly slaughter tens of thousands of my enemies. It shouldn't bother me that the game (or is it the mod? dunno) gives me the option to rape people. But it does.
Especially the text is fucking horrendous.


After a quick campaign to take Brabant....

We usurped Niederlothringen. (now Germania inferior once more)


We are gracious to former enemies.

Meanwhile, our German subjects were adjusting very well to the Empire. Many of them proclaimed themselves to be true Hellenes. Like the family of "Von Pappenheim", whose daughter we married.

Right, she looks very greek. And what a greek first name and surname. I have a strong feeling that the elites of the new Roman Empire are anything but Greek.

Case in point:

SPINACH MUST BE EATEN.

A DESK MUST BE TIDY.

NO RUFFIANS.

Though the conquest of German lands has some good things as well (besides our awesome new empress):



But enough of those courtly things. We had one last great war to fight:


From "Imperii Limites erunt intacti" by Dr. Marius Agricola, Augusta Treverorum 1612:
The last great Roman Campaign to restore the limes and the Rhine frontier was a well-planned operation which does not have to hide behind the skirts of earlier Roman Generals. For the execution was flawless, much like that of Julian when he restored the border.

The French army, with its heavy cavalry, infantry and archers was ordered to take Sticht.

The Spanish, with their light cavalry and pikemen were to take Namur.

The German, Burgundian and Lombard armies were to combine and take the greatest prize of them all - the city of Colonia Agrippina.
There were no battles. Instead, the Imperial forces moved so swiftly that by the time the Saxons could assemble, the places had all been taken. Soon, peace was agreed upon.



The Limes and the Rhine frontier had been restored.

As this happened in the year 1406, it happened exactly 1000 years after the Roman Armies had first been forced to abandon the Rhine frontier. Now, the legions had returned, this time for good.


To celebrate the restoration of the Rhine frontier, the greatest triumph of all time was held in Rome and Constantinople.
LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE.

(to be continued below)

[Thanas]

(continued from above)

Winning the peace

From The reforms of the Roman state, by Magister Ioannis Dukas, Constantinople 1920:
Though some in the Imperial council felt that the Empire next had to look towards Britain, to complete the full reconquest of all former Imperial territory, the Emperor had other plans. For he wisely deduced that sweeping reforms were needed to hold this large empire together.

Thus 15 years of pax Romana were pledged.

To secure the peace, a princess of the House of Thanas was betrothed to the crown prince of Saxony.

The same happened with the state of Kiev.



Money was given to pious monks.

Most importantly, the Emperor attempted to get a reform passed that would limit the war between Vassals. From now on, only the Emperor would be allowed to wage war against his vassals. Disputes would now be handled before the Imperial court, not amongst the vassals themselves, and certainly not with arms. There would be internal peace in the Roman Empire.

After two years of negotiations (and bribes), the reform passed.

This is widely considered to be the greatest step towards the formation of the modern nation-state.

Some vassals were less than pleased by the law. Apparently this includes our local olive-producers.


"Treat people right, goddamnit."

Peace would now reign in the realm:



and we died peacefully in our bed, knowing we had taken the first step to reform the Empire.



Tl, Dr:
- so this was the last real Emperor who waged war. Now only a few decades of stewardship and then conversion.
- Hooray, the Rhine is ours.

[Tribble]

Well as I said earlier its not like Britain wants to join the Euro anyways. Let 'em gaze at Rome with envy!

[Steve]

Hahaha. I love the fate of the Timurids there. Squashed!

[Flagg]

See what I said about castles when it came to the Mongols? Shock absorbers, baby.

BTW Thanas, that picture may look like a deformed penis (head and all), but what I was trying to get across is that that's about the amount of land that would be taken up if I unloosed my Godly Wang from the super space-age carbon nano-filament underwear that contains it. Not only am I in the Guinness Book of World records, in 1994 when I was hanging out with Ron Jeremy in LA we got drunk and decided to see whose was bigger. Not only did I cause the massive Earthquake, but it took me 2 weeks to convince Ron not to kill himself. Poor little Ewok has never been the same...

[Flagg]

Ahh, finally! The famous Emperor Romanos, inventor of The Macaroni Grill!