Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Kanastrous]

I'm partial to Babasaheb Ambedkar's distinction where rules are concerned, as included in his discussion of Ahimsa: ...the doctrine of Ahimsa does not say 'Kill not.' It says, 'Love all.' Buddha said 'Love all, so that you may not wish to kill any.' This is a positive way of stating the principle of Ahimsa. The Buddha's Ahimsa is quite in keeping with his middle path. To put it differently, the Buddha made a distinction between Principle and Rule. He did not make Ahimsa a matter of Rule. He enunciated it as a matter of Principle, or way of life. A principle leaves you freedom to act. A rule does not. A rule either breaks you, or you break the rule.

[Borgholio]

For those who don't know, I work tech support for a medical company. 90% of our tech support requests come from customers who call us on the phone. The other 10% are a mix of online chat and email support. Today, I have to change that to 9.9999% online chat and email. I hold in my hand right now, a tech support request that was sent to us via snail mail. This...this is just wrong.

The office just requested a reply via snail mail. No, really. Spoke with one of the office assistants and they said the problem was resolved perfectly, but the owner of the office specifically requests we physically send a copy of the troubleshooting steps we performed.

Welcome back to the 1980s when postal mail tech support was still a thing...

[Napoleon the Clown]

Might I say how hilarious I find it that a joke I made resulted in somewhere around a page of off-topic discussion?


A conversation that occurred at my previous employer, some months ago (paraphrased):

Head Baker: G (one of the onwers) wants the bread dark, so if he's around make sure you don't have ovens open except to take stuff out. C (the other owner) prefers stuff to be light, so if she's around try to keep it as light as possible.
Me: Well, of course C wants it to be light. She prefers everything to be white. (Background: C, at the location she spends her time at, demands that non-white employees only work kitchen jobs where customers will not see them. HB personally confirmed this.)
HB: *laughs* You probably shouldn't joke about that anymore.


Other conversation (HB is a car guy):
Me: Hey, did you know top fuel does the quarter mile in 4.5 seconds?
HB: No way that can be true, the fastest street legal car is mid sevens.
Me: I'll find a video and show you.
HB, upon being shown a video of top fuel dragsters: Wow, that engine note is amazing.
Me: See? 4.5 seconds.
HB: That didn't look like a quarter mile, it was too short.
Me: It was a quarter mile, man.
(Several days later...)
HB: So I decided to look them up, and you're right. They really do go the quarter mile as fast as you said.


We also once had a discussion on what various car companies did the worst. For the record, transmission, electronics, and brakes go to Ford, engines go to Dodge, and doors go to GM. Other great moment was when he admitted to intentionally seizing the engine on a truck at a wrecking yard. He couldn't get it to stop turning over while trying to loosed a bolt, so he just dropped some bolts into one of the cylinders... I gave him shit over it for a while after that.

[Venator]

The easiest explanation anyone has ever given me about the Amish and their relation to technology is that they are not permitted to own it, but they are permitted to use it. So Amish will certainly use a hydraulic backhoe, bulldozer, computer, telephone (cell or regular) or any other kinds of technology...but they must simply borrow those tools from others rather than own them.

Well, each Amish group has somewhat different rules, but my understanding is that they value community over convenience and won't accept new tech just for the sake of new. So, you don't talk to people on the phone, you talk to the people around you, and instead of calling someone you go see them in person. Now, in an emergency sure, use a phone (and some of their communities have set up emergency phones) but not in daily life.

The patterns of what they do and don't use often makes little sense to outsiders, but that's because the Amish have different priorities and values than the mainstream.

In the Guelph/Waterloo area (Ontario, Canada) a fair number of them follow the rule of not having new technology in their houses, and use horse & buggy exclusively for transportation, but have barns (i.e. not in the physical building of their house) decked with flatscreen TVs and the latest from Best Buy .

[Zaune]

Since we're on the subject...

"Living where I live, and seeing horse-drawn buggies and big beards etc. makes me wonder just how extreme the Am people are, if these fellas are only Am-ish..." -- My little brother, via Facebook.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: No fucking way, you guys are covered in glitter.

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: I know, I know. Look, I'll pay you for the ride, give you a normal tip, and give you twenty bucks extra for your trouble.

YOUR DRIVER: [sigh] Okay...

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GIRL: Thank you so much! You have no idea how long we've been trying to get a cab in the rain, and it's my birthday!

YOUR DRIVER: Happy birthday. So where are we going?

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: [address]

[time passes]

YOUR DRIVER: So, I'm sensing that there's a story here...

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: Yeah, I'm in a death metal band, and we played at that club tonight. Normally, we do a bit in the middle of our set where we sacrifice babies. Dave lays down a slow bass drum beat, and we get the audience chanting along with us, and then we stab the babies in the neck and spray fake blood everywhere.

YOUR DRIVER: [experiencing a lot of relief that the word "fake" made it in there somewhere] Like you do.

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: Yeah! We cover ourselves, the front row; everybody loves it. Until these needle-dick motherfuckers tell us, "No fake blood on the stage!" I mean, what the fuck, right?

YOUR DRIVER: Right. How does this lead to glitter?

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GIRL: So we're pissed, right? And we're thinking, "What's the worst possible thing we could use instead of fake blood, that is impossible to clean up and will ruin their whole week?" So, obviously, the answer is glitter. Glitter is the herpes of decorations: Once you touch it, you have it for life.

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I fucking hate glitter.

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GIRL: Exactly! So we filled the babies with club soda mixed with a shitload of glitter.

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: Then, when it was time for the sacrifice, I waved my knife and said, "Normally we bathe in the blood of baby humans, but tonight we bathe in the blood of BABY ANGELS!" and I sprayed that shit everywhere. The crowd went nuts!

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GIRL: This is what you get when you don't support your local metal band!

YOUR DRIVER: That's brilliant. You should do that every time.

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: I'm not sure we're getting invited back there...

[Alyrium Denryle]

Its a death metal band, there is a certain assumption of risk on the part of club owners when dealing with death metal bands. If the death metal band does not have blood, glitter, fire, or illegally dug up/misappropriated "re-purposed" human remains, they are doing it wrong.

[Raw Shark]

I know, right? This venue seems remarkably squeamish, or badly-informed, for one willing to book that band at all. After dealing with glitter, they'll probably be glad to handle fake blood.

[Lagmonster]

Humans are fucking weird, dude. I mean, I go out of my way to NOT have anything to do with almost any starring noun in your story.

[Borgholio]

I know, right? This venue seems remarkably squeamish, or badly-informed, for one willing to book that band at all. After dealing with glitter, they'll probably be glad to handle fake blood.

Still, have to admit the band pulled off their revenge masterfully.

[Raw Shark]

Still, have to admit the band pulled off their revenge masterfully.

True that. Also, I love the line, "Glitter is the herpes of decorations," so much I had to share it.

[Kanastrous]

It's been a winner today, with my crewmates.

[Raw Shark]

I also forgot this gem:

SPARKLY DEATH METAL GUY: Shit, I work with food. I didn't even think of that. If this shit doesn't come off in the shower between now and eight, I might have to call in too glittery for work.

[Lagmonster]

If you're a university student, and you're trying to get a job, do your best to have some kind of an idea of the environment you're going to be working in. If you wear a $600 suit, a solid gold watch and three pounds of hair gel to a job for a below-entry-level junior library clerk's assistant wherein all your peers are in jeans and a straight polo, you don't look serious and professional: you look foolish.

[Terralthra]

Other professor: Any more finals?
Me: Nope, just proctored my last one.
Other professor: Excellent! Any plans for the rest of the week?
Me: Well, I have to grade all these finals and submit grades...other than that, no plans beyond "kick back."
Dean from the next office over: If there are any kickbacks going on, I expect you'll be cutting me in.

[InsaneTD]

Other professor: Any more finals?
Me: Nope, just proctored my last one.
Other professor: Excellent! Any plans for the rest of the week?
Me: Well, I have to grade all these finals and submit grades...other than that, no plans beyond "kick back."
Dean from the next office over: If there are any kickbacks going on, I expect you'll be cutting me in.

1, how thin are those walls? 2, I'm thinking that makes him a decent boss?

[Terralthra]

Other professor: Any more finals?
Me: Nope, just proctored my last one.
Other professor: Excellent! Any plans for the rest of the week?
Me: Well, I have to grade all these finals and submit grades...other than that, no plans beyond "kick back."
Dean from the next office over: If there are any kickbacks going on, I expect you'll be cutting me in.

1, how thin are those walls? 2, I'm thinking that makes him a decent boss?

Our faculty offices on that campus are all on a hallway and we leave our office doors open when we're "in", so he heard it through the open doors.

And yeah, he's a pretty cool boss. Very laid-back toward us, but a hardass and faculty-centric when dealing with the college admin, which lets us be student-learning centered without being taken advantage of.

[Borgholio]

which lets us be student-learning centered without being taken advantage of.

That actually sounds like an ideal situation for a teacher.

[Raw Shark]

REALLY DRUNK GUY W/ POSSIBLE KNEE FRACTURE: Oh God, it hurts!

YOUR DRIVER: I've got you, bud. We're almost to the door.

REALLY DRUNK GUY W/ POSSIBLE KNEE FRACTURE: Please, Lord! I swear I'll never drink again!

YOUR DRIVER: It's gonna be okay, man, they'll get you fixed up here, that's what they do. Now there's a small curb here, so I need you to lean on me and lift your good leg up there, okay?

REALLY DRUNK GUY W/ POSSIBLE KNEE FRACTURE: AAAAAIIIGGGH! [nearly collapses]

YOUR DRIVER: No, your good leg! Jesus Christ, work with me here.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: So, I'd imagine that being the only bar in the entire neighborhood means that you guys are cleaning right the fuck up right now...

CAPTAIN NON-SEQUITOR: Yeah, my sister drove for Lyft for a year in San Fran, but she couldn't make it work.

YOUR DRIVER: Okay. So, we're going to Cap Hill, and to get there you want to...

CAPTAIN NON-SEQUITOR: Yeah, I've got friends like that. If you don't have enough cash for a tip, why are you going out?

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, so is this the place?

CAPTAIN NON-SEQUITOR: I don't know, can a cab take me to Highlands Ranch for twenty bucks?

YOUR DRIVER: Not this one.

CAPTAIN NON-SEQUITOR: Then I guess this is the place!

[Raw Shark]

TRUST FUND GIRL: TURN IT UP!

YOUR DRIVER: But I need to hear your directions...

TRUST FUND GIRL: Okay, go to [very expensive apartment building two blocks away]

YOUR DRIVER: Which entrance?

TRUST FUND GIRL: I don't care, whichever is cheapest!

YOUR DRIVER: You live at [very expensive apartment building], and you're worried about $0.25 to circle the block?

TRUST FUND GIRL: You know, I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care, but if you do what I say I'll give you five bucks.

YOUR DRIVER: Sold!

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: So what made you decide on, "Peyton?"

"PEYTON" THE STRIPPER: [coked; talking in a stream of consciousness] They kind of put me on the spot, because at the Gun Club I used to be Cheyenne, because that's where I'm from, but they already had a Cheyenne here when I started, so I had to pick something else right there, and it was total bullshit because I never even met her and she quit like a week later.

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, if you're actually from there and she's not, you should've won that one.

"PEYTON" THE STRIPPER: Right? Anyway, I picked Peyton because I'm a huge Broncos fan. I could go down to the Webb building and change it, but the guys all love it. "Durr, your name's Peyton!? People named Peyton are awesome! Let me give you more money."

YOUR DRIVER: Doesn't that make it kind of weird, if you take it to its logical conclusion?

"PEYTON" THE STRIPPER: Totally. I mean, if your sexual fantasies and your Manning fantasies get mixed up that much, why are you getting a lap dance here instead of Boys' Town?

[Borgholio]

"PEYTON" THE STRIPPER: Totally. I mean, if your sexual fantasies and your Manning fantasies get mixed up that much, why are you getting a lap dance here instead of Boys' Town?

She has a point.

[Raw Shark]

She has a point.

No contest on that here, I just liked the way she phrased it.

[Kanastrous]

"We want the town to look like it was designed by hookers."

"Drunk hookers."

"Drunk Scottish hookers."

"Drunk Scottish robot hookers."

The more things change, the more they stay the same.