MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Not a conversation, but kind of work-related:

The doctor who does the bi-annual PUC physical for the company that I contract with operates out of an office on the second floor of a truck stop in a sketchy industrial neighborhood, directly above the diner and next door to a barber. And she has a thick Eastern-European accent. It's very evocative of Dr. Nick on The Simpsons.

[Lagmonster]

Whenever someone hurts themselves, or might have hurt themselves, anywhere on the job, they get to fill out a form. Every year, we review the forms, and have a highly unofficial "which accident was the most memorable and/or hilarious".

This year's winner will never, ever be beaten, because it involves the phrase "employee injured while transporting artificial genitals".

[Borgholio]

*carrying a box of fake dicks*

*trips, falls, injures self*

*cries out, "DIL 'DOH!!!"*

[Broomstick]

This year's winner will never, ever be beaten, because it involves the phrase "employee injured while transporting artificial genitals".

You have to expand on this.

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, I wood go nuts if I didn't get details here.

[SCRawl]

I'm going to take a guess. Since Lagmonster works with scientists, in particular entomologists, there's an experiment going on in which the effectiveness of slightly different shapes of one set of genitalia or the other (for some insect species) is being investigated.

[Terralthra]

Everyone here has so far assumed that the genitals involved were phallic. It would be even funnier if the employee in question tripped while carrying a box of vaginas.

[Lagmonster]

It's an OHS report from a public facility and involves sample collection. I don't think I can link to anything instructive that wouldn't get normal people fired from their jobs, but you can probably google various combinations of "artificial" "horse" and "breeding" and get close to the setup and punch line here. Or be put on a watch list, either/or.

According to the report, the poor soul's actual job requires him to inspect and maintain the condition of devices used by breeders, and for his sake I really hope he gets paid just millions of dollars to do so, if for nothing else than to compensate him for what he must go through when talking about his job to people he meets at parties.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

Soooo, he injured himself while carrying fake horse cocks. Ohhhhkay.

The only thing more embarassing would most likely how he got injured in the first place...

[Terralthra]

If it's sample collection, I repeat, could easily be horse fleshlights.

[Broomstick]

Probably "fleshlights". For collecting sperm it's a hollow device that goes over the horse cock that at least somewhat mimics a horse vagina.

"How did you get hurt?"
"I tripped while carrying a crate of horse vajayjay"
"Well, how bad were you hurt?"
"I've fallen and I cunt get up."

[Raw Shark]

Man, it's a good thing Hedonism Bot doesn't know about that job. Guy would do it pro bono.

[Raw Shark]

DENVER BFF: Raw Shark, will you eighty-six this guy for me, please? I've just had a really long day and need to do dishes, and you know what [boss] said.

ME: Yeah, on it.

DENVER BFF: Thanks, babe.

ME: No problem. [pause] Hey, big guy. You need to settle up, leave a respectable tip, and go.

BIG GUY: Says who?

ME: Says me.

BIG GUY: Are you trying to threaten me?

ME: Indirectly. That lady behind the bar asked me to tell you, because she didn't trust herself to get within swinging distance of you because the boss has been mad at her for injuring people lately. He's already talked to her a couple of times. Honestly, I'm a little scared of her, and she's my best friend, and I could eat a punch from you like a saltine cracker and be back on my feet just in time to watch her cut you with a broken pint glass. I'd try to stop her, but I probably couldn't. So. Why don't we all be civilized here?

BIG GUY: [long pause] Uh... yeah... Here, tell the lady to keep the change...

ME: Thank you, sir! Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

[Purple]

I like the color of your thoughts.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

Just goes to prove there's more than one way to win a fight.

[Raw Shark]

The best part is that I wasn't even lying, the boss actually did have a sit-down with her about beating down problematic customers. I just sold it by squaring up with the guy, maintaining eye contact, and telling him the unvarnished truth in a steady voice (including the saltine cracker part - those things take me a few seconds).

[Zeropoint]

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

That was the Chinese warrior-philosopher I was looking for. And, Shark, yeah, saltines on their own are pretty hard to choke down, which is usually why I eat them with cream cheese. Or ranch dressing. On occasion, butter.

Yeah, butter. The real kind, not margarine.

(the Captain's Wafers crackers restaurants often serve with salad, soup, and sometimes chili, are even worse. They taste like vomit to me)

[Raw Shark]

And, Shark, yeah, saltines on their own are pretty hard to choke down, which is usually why I eat them with cream cheese. Or ranch dressing. On occasion, butter.

There would not have been any cream cheese, ranch dressing, or butter, on this one. The guy was seriously fucking huge. Like tall, broad-shouldered, and fat. Just one of those guys who is big in every way and acts like that means something important and is a right to say anything. But I would've gotten my ass kicked for her long enough for her to end his life anyway. Real friends are real friends, and I would take on any talking monkey walking on this planet for that girl. That's what best friends do.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

Amen to that.

[Zeropoint]

Huh. I've never known anyone for whom I'd risk serious injury just to help them avoid job trouble.

[Raw Shark]

Huh. I've never known anyone for whom I'd risk serious injury just to help them avoid job trouble.

I feel sorry for you over that. She would do the same for me.

[Lagmonster]

I'm no expert on saloon culture, but I gather from watching people navigate them that Shark probably knew with reasonable certainty that he could sweet-talk the situation without a fight.

[Raw Shark]

I'm no expert on saloon culture, but I gather from watching people navigate them that Shark probably knew with reasonable certainty that he could sweet-talk the situation without a fight.

Yeah, I wasn't that worried. The guy had a lot of swagger, didn't want to acknowledge closing time, and probably could've knocked me on my ass, but we were on camera and he wasn't really looking for trouble. I used to tend bar, and I help DBFF out sometimes when she's stuck by herself, has a broken elbow, and/or asks me to keep her company.

[phred]

Apparently if you take 500 feet of schedule 40 pipe, put a 5hp motor and pump on the end of it, and drop it down a hole, you end up with a bunch of shredded pipe, a destroyed pump and a possibly fucked up well... Who knew?

Oh yeah, the guy selling the pipe. Maybe if you told him what you were going to do with the pipe you wouldn't have these problems. We have this amazing stuff now called steel, which is capable of handling the stresses of that application.

has a broken elbow,

This has happened more than once?