Wisecracks, One Liners & Apocryphal Quotes

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Frank Hipper
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Wisecracks, One Liners & Apocryphal Quotes

Post by Frank Hipper »

The owner of a type 49 Bugatti wrote Ettore Bugatti about the trouble he was having getting it started in cold weather.
Bugatti wrote back telling him to get a heated garage.

Bugatti commented on the complaints about the brakes on his cars:
"I make cars to go fast, not to stop."

A woman once said to Winston Churchill,
"Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd commit suicide."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I'd let you."

Benjamin Franklin was attending a ball while ambassador to France:
Mme. X "Mr. Franklin, your penis is sticking out!"
Franklin "Do not flatter yourself madame, it is HANGING out."

The first two I'm sure are true. Not so sure about the last two, but they were too good to pass up.
Anybody else?

edit- added "Apocryphal Quotes" to title :wink:
Last edited by Frank Hipper on 2003-03-26 04:00am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Wisecracks & One Liners

Post by XaLEv »

Frank Hipper wrote:A woman once said to Winston Churchill,
"Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd commit suicide."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I'd let you."
I've seen a different verson of this one before; instead of saying she would commit suicide, she said she would poison him.
Benjamin Franklin was attending a ball while ambassador to France:
Mme. X "Mr. Franklin, your penis is sticking out!"
Franklin "Do not flatter yourself madame, it is HANGING out."
LOL :lol:

Don't know if either is true or not.
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Post by Darth Fanboy »

http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/wins ... hill.shtml

a good list of WinstonChurchil's finest, although I think Yogi Berra is the king of the one liner.

"I took a two hour nap from one to four."

"It aint over till it's over"

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"It's never happened before and it hasn't happened since"

Yogi was once asked, what time is it? "You mean now?"

there are dozens of others as well, makes me wish I had been around in the fifties to see him play ball.
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Post by Vympel »

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
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Post by Gandalf »

Just after WW2, a soccer game was held in Germany, it was against England. Germany won.
German captian: We just beat you in your national sport
English captain: Well we just beat you in yours.

Not sure if it's true or not.
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That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
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Post by Vympel »

Gandalf wrote:Just after WW2, a soccer game was held in Germany, it was against England. Germany won.
German captian: We just beat you in your national sport
English captain: Well we just beat you in yours.

Not sure if it's true or not.
ROFLMAO!
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Re: Wisecracks & One Liners

Post by Cap'n Hector »

Benjamin Franklin was attending a ball while ambassador to France:
Mme. X "Mr. Franklin, your penis is sticking out!"
Franklin "Do not flatter yourself madame, it is HANGING out."
Reportedly, he also said this while in Paris:

Young woman: Mr. Franklin, if that [indicating his stomach] were on a woman then we'd know what to think.
Franklin: Two hours ago, it was on a woman. What do you think now?
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Post by fgalkin »

Gandalf wrote:Just after WW2, a soccer game was held in Germany, it was against England. Germany won.
German captian: We just beat you in your national sport
English captain: Well we just beat you in yours.

Not sure if it's true or not.
Shouldn't it be France, though. :D

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
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Post by Joe »

One time, a young lady sat down next the notoriously silent President Calvin Coolidge. She told him that she had made a bet with her friend that she could get him to say three words. His response: "You lose."

THe Earl of Sandwich said that John Wilkes would die "either on the gallows or of a loathesome disease."

Wilkies replied: "That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
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Re: Wisecracks, One Liners & Apocryphal Quotes

Post by Johonebesus »

Frank Hipper wrote: A woman once said to Winston Churchill,
"Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd commit suicide."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I'd let you."
Actually, I think it goes, "Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I would give you poison."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
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Re: Wisecracks, One Liners & Apocryphal Quotes

Post by Frank Hipper »

Johonebesus wrote:
Frank Hipper wrote: A woman once said to Winston Churchill,
"Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd commit suicide."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I'd let you."
Actually, I think it goes, "Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I would give you poison."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Yup, so Xalev informs us, hence the "apocryphal" in the title.
And I like your version better, too. :D
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Post by Gandalf »

fgalkin wrote:
Gandalf wrote:Just after WW2, a soccer game was held in Germany, it was against England. Germany won.
German captian: We just beat you in your national sport
English captain: Well we just beat you in yours.

Not sure if it's true or not.
Shouldn't it be France, though. :D

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
In place of Germany or England?
:D
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That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"
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Post by Gandalf »

"The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives." -Churchill

"Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best." -Woody Allen
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"
- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
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Post by fgalkin »

Gandalf wrote:
fgalkin wrote:
Gandalf wrote:Just after WW2, a soccer game was held in Germany, it was against England. Germany won.
German captian: We just beat you in your national sport
English captain: Well we just beat you in yours.

Not sure if it's true or not.
Shouldn't it be France, though. :D

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
In place of Germany or England?
:D
Germany. France has lost a lot more wars than Germany.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
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Post by Enforcer Talen »

goodquotes.com
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Post by Gandalf »

fgalkin wrote:
Gandalf wrote:
fgalkin wrote: Shouldn't it be France, though. :D

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
In place of Germany or England?
:D
Germany. France has lost a lot more wars than Germany.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
Thought so.
"Oh no, oh yeah, tell me how can it be so fair
That we dying younger hiding from the police man over there
Just for breathing in the air they wanna leave me in the chair
Electric shocking body rocking beat streeting me to death"
- A.B. Original, Report to the Mist

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Post by Pablo Sanchez »

"TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP!"
--English soccer chant, when playing in Germany.
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Post by RogueIce »

Pablo Sanchez wrote:"TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP!"
--English soccer chant, when playing in Germany.
That and the Coolridge one I like the best. :)
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Re: Wisecracks, One Liners & Apocryphal Quotes

Post by Iceberg »

Johonebesus wrote:
Frank Hipper wrote: A woman once said to Winston Churchill,
"Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd commit suicide."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I'd let you."
Actually, I think it goes, "Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I would give you poison."
"Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
The woman in the quotation, I believe, was Nancy Cartwright, the wife of the American ambassador to England at the time, with whom Sir Winston was friendly. The proper quotation is,

"Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your tea."
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink the tea."
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Post by kojikun »

You cant beat France at its national pasttime, they surrender before beginning to fight. :P
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Post by Kuja »

Gandalf wrote:"The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives." -Churchill
"Translator? Translator! What is the opposite of Vive la France?" -Curchill at Yalta
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Post by Shinova »

A female reporter was interviewing a colonel or a general, forgot which. The reporter says something about the army equipping soldiers with guns makes them into cold-hearted killers. And the commander replied with something like:

"Well you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not, right?"

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Post by Raoul Duke, Jr. »

Well, this is only the flimsiest excuse to break this out; I don't recall which famous person said it. I do recall that it was during the forties at a fairly large social gathering. One of the guests of honor has just brusquely dismissed a rather unattractive female admirer in favor of talking business with his friends, to which she responds:

Ugly Woman: "Well, I never!"
Business Guy: "And with a face like that, madam, you never will."
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Post by Alferd Packer »

"Some things are the same wherever you go, like: if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick." - Dave Attell

Good to know.
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Post by Durandal »

LADY: Winston, you're drunk!
CHURCHILL: Yes, madam, but tomorrow morning, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly.

FRANK LAYDEN (Utah Jazz Coach): Was your bad playing today due to ignorance or apathy?
JEFF WILKINS (Jazz Forward): I don't know, and I don't care.

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