Arranged Marriage or Mail Order Spouse?

[J]

In this hypothetical scenario (RAR!), you are getting married, however, dating is not an option. You have two choices.

1) Arranged marriage. Your parents will find a spouse for you, and you shall marry this person. You do not get a say nor a choice of any sort, your parents pick and you marry.

2) Mail order spouse. You go through the listings on the internet to find yourself a spouse. You get one, and only one pick. You are not allowed to arrange a dozen meetings through the classifieds and then choose one of them. You can however, have limited correspondence with them over the 'net.

Additionally, you must remain married to your spouse long enough to raise your children to adulthood. Did I say children? Yes, I did.

What do you do? Do you trust your parents to find a suitable spouse for you or do you think you're better off choosing your own spouse?

[The Romulan Republic]

I lead protests against a society that gives people so little choice in their spouse?

Especially if we are obligated to have children, because forced procreation=rape.

But if I must take the choices offered at face value...

Hmm. I prefer having my own choice, even if its based on limited information, so I think I go for the mail order spouse.

Then again, their are times when I trust my Mum's judgement more than my own, and especially if she has more latitude in who she picks, and how well she can know them beforehand, that might actually lead to a better result.

Or I try to cheat the system- find someone I know who I wouldn't mind marrying, see if they agree, have them sign up for the mail order spouse service, and then select them.

[Joun_Lord]

Say I'm planning on becoming a monk and thus have to remain celibate. Not exactly a stretch for me.

Really though, neither option seems appealing. For one, I don't want children like ever. I don't really like children and don't want to inflict my feelin's on them. Didn't have best childhood and don't want to continue the cycle of abuse as people who were abused are likely to do. I'd have to share my Star Wars action figures......I mean poseable (not so poseable with the EP7 figures) collectables and vidya games. Plus I'm relatively sure my gene pool is so stagnant having children would be a form of child abuse.

Two, I am smart and mature enough to know I am not intelligent or mature enough for a long term relationship. I have mental and emotional problems, I suck at conflict resolution, I can barely manage my own life and would make a disaster of having a wife and children. Even if I like the lady actually expressing that would be hard for me, that would be really cruel to her to have her saddled for atleast 18 years with a cold emotionally distant hubby who on occasion expresses WAY too much emotion.

This doesn't even get into the problems of letting my mother, dad and stepdad are dead and quite thankful on the stepdad part, try to pick a girl for me. Or a guy considering she's asked if I'm gay several times where I don't date. Maybe it sexist for me to say but I don't find guys attractive and don't want to marry any. Of course I don't really want to marry any women either so maybe I'm double sexist. I just really wouldn't trust her judgement, really anyones judgement. Not even my own but atleast I can trust that fuck more then most, I understand sometimes his reasoning, sometimes.

Trying to meet a lady through the interwebs would probably be the best bet especially if I can try to get to know her a bit through like email and chat. Its not perfect but some choice involved however limited. Thanks to the internet I could atleast try to find a website that caters to my interests so I can find a wife who atleast shares some of my interests and I hers. Not exactly the foundation of a strong married relationship but maybe we could make it work like friends with benefits and also kids who live together and hang out alot.

Any way it goes I know the relationship would have some tough times, probably mostly the result of myself doing something stupid, and any children that result would no doubt need some major therapy.

[Zeropoint]

I go out and get a vasectomy.
Then I refuse to participate in this system.

If I were somehow forced not to pick "none of the above" as an option, I would go with the mail-order bride, and go into it with the assumption that things wouldn't work out, and I'd draw up a good prenuptial agreement. I'd still get the vasectomy.

[bilateralrope]

When you say limited correspondence, how limited are we talking ?

Text based ?
Voice ?
Full video chat ?
Online gaming ?

At the moment the choice is between:
- Arranged marriage. When my parents have serious trouble remembering my preferences, which has led to me leaving them uninformed about what I like. They still think they know them.
- Mail Order bride. With a worry that the person I'm corresponding with is only pretending to be the bride sent my way.

So I need some clarification to decide.

[Simon_Jester]

Already married. Looking at this from the point of view of retconning a new origin story for my existing marriage.

And if, for whatever reason, I can't pick my own wife at the age I actually married her, it would have been a simple matter to get 'parental approval,' and her parents were not an issue.

Whereas since I didn't meet her on the Internet, that would be kind of a nonstarter.

[J]

When you say limited correspondence, how limited are we talking ?

Text based ?
Voice ?
Full video chat ?
Online gaming ?

Definitely no full video chats, no no no, that would be cheating!
Text based with maybe a couple photo attachments.
We shall assume the person you're corresponding with is as represented on the listings and not actually a vice officer trying to entrap you in an investigation.

[bilateralrope]

Like Zeropoint, I'd be getting a vasectomy. I'm not bringing children into a forced arrangement.

When you say limited correspondence, how limited are we talking ?

Text based ?
Voice ?
Full video chat ?
Online gaming ?

Definitely no full video chats, no no no, that would be cheating!
Text based with maybe a couple photo attachments.

Any chance of even a short voice chat ?

We shall assume the person you're corresponding with is as represented on the listings and not actually a vice officer trying to entrap you in an investigation.

I wasn't worried about that. I was worried that the person I was talking with would be different from the person that arrived.


I'll go with the mail order bride. I stand a better chance of getting someone intelligent enough to talk with than letting my Mum have any part in the decision.

[Adam Reynolds]

A forum poll in which self castration is actually being considered as a viable option. That is certainly a new one.

I know that a vasectomy is hardly the same thing, but it was still an amusing thought.

[Zixinus]

I trust one of my parents to pick someone, if it were necessary. That they know me enough that we could tolerate each other. Not the other. My recent venting posts contain the details as to why. There is a reason they don't live together anymore. I'm assuming that the RAR works on requiring both parents. Even if not and I had to pick which parent, I would still be uncomfortable. My dad knows me the most, I trust him and his judgment but still, it sounds uncomfortable.

So, I'd rather give it a try with selecting it via correspondence. Gives it an element of choice for both parties, even if the power is heavily in my favor. I don't think I'm ready for a real relationship but I know myself a little and what I want. As well as what I don't want. Not the best basis but there are worse.

This of course if I really had to choose. A forced arrangement doesn't sound like it can be happy.

[houser2112]

As much as I find arranged marriages abhorrent, I think I'd choose that option. Unlike many of you, I actually trust my parents to find me a nice girl. With the limited contact that the mail order bride option allows, I don't think I could get to know someone well enough to separate the wheat from the chaff. Even if we relax this option to "any girl you can only contact through these means" as opposed to those available through whatever qualify as "mail order bride" services, I don't think I could get to know someone well enough to make this kind of decision.

[Bedlam]

It is interesting the number of people who are apparently horrified by the idea of having children under a system which has been used by many cultures for a very long time.

[Simon_Jester]

We live in a really really atomized society, where a lot of people are so horrified at the idea of compromising their personal autonomy and their own existence as a totally invulnerable bastion of decision-making and self-control that they just... can't process it.

They hear "your parents pick your spouse" and think "OH MY GOD I'M BEING FORCED TO MARRY [insert horror image here]." As opposed to, say, the parents "arranging" the marriage after consulting you first.

[TheFeniX]

Eh, my parents have a wide array of friends I would assume (at the time-frame this would have happened) to have a good pick of eligible women. I had removed myself from the dating pool after a few disastrous relationships in a row until I stumbled into my wife. Maybe I was chasing the wrong women and my mom has stupidly high standards when it comes to me, so..... I guess they could have the reigns.

Only thing is she must have a gaming PC.

Please send picture of gaming PC.

[Eternal_Freedom]

I'd take the arranged marriage, because knowing my parents, they'd pick my best friend (and sometime girlfriend) anyway. And since pretty much everyone in both families are convinced we'll settle down together eventually, it's not much change.

Hell, even we think that, we're just not there yet.

[Lord Revan]

If "neither" is not an option, I'd take arranged marrige as it might at least have hope of success, while I'm no where close to rich enough for a mail order bride to work.

[Alyrium Denryle]

I would go with the arranged marriage, so long as my mother and not my father is doing the selection. My mother would pick a nice reasonably attractive and well educated young man. She knows my proclivities reasonably well and would consult with me before making a selection. I might not get a say or choice, but my mom can read me like a book so that is not really a problem.

As for children, there is always adoption (because going biological is not an option here).

....

Now, if this is set up in a heteronormative fashion so that only women are an option, I still go with arranged marriage, because my mom knows me well enough to pick someone who would be OK with a marriage that is a complete and total sham.

[Elheru Aran]

Mm.

Arranged, I suppose.

My parents probably would pick someone to their tastes, not so much to mine... but they aren't such total assholes that they wouldn't set me up with her a few times before committing to anything, and frankly, in my situation I gotta take what I can get; I'm no Zeropoint but pulling ladies is hard enough, and I tend to settle pretty easily.

As long as she's not too insanely religious, is reasonably intelligent and has a decently open mind, I'm probably gonna give it a go.

EDIT: Funnily enough, my wife probably fits the criteria of someone my parents would have set me up with pretty well... smart, fairly religious, and conservative (but after a few years of marriage she's starting to slant liberal).

[Kingmaker]

I guess this depends on how much you like and trust your parents. A sizable fraction of people I know who are married were set up with their spouses by family/close friends anyway. Obviously there's a hair of a difference between being able to veto their selection and being stuck with it, but I'm presuming they're not magically being transformed into assholes by this scenario.

It is interesting the number of people who are apparently horrified by the idea of having children under a system which has been used by many cultures for a very long time.

To be fair, we don't necessarily consider those cultures to be especially admirable. Of course, there's the issue is that most of us, I expect, grew up expecting to choose our own spouse and be free to choose no one. Someone growing up in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm is less likely to be viscerally repelled by the idea, since it seems normal, even if they don't like it.

[TimothyC]

I can be horrible at interacting with new people over text only forms of communication (as I think Simon_Jester* can attest). That leads me to the arranged marriage. The problem here is that my parents are much more likely to pick someone more religious that I would. What saves me is that there are no women in the church that they go to that are my age and single.

*You posted in this thread, you get tagged out of the population that can attest.

[aerius]

Am I allowed to have a mistress in this hypothetical scenario?

[Simon_Jester]

I can be horrible at interacting with new people over text only forms of communication (as I think Simon_Jester* can attest).

You're not that bad. I'd say you'd have a pretty good shot, especially given that everyone else in the world would be finding spouses more or less the same way and people would learn to make allowances.

[General Zod]

Since my dad is dead and my mom is schizophrenic, (or whatever the proper medical term is these days), I'll go with mail-order.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

In this hypothetical scenario (RAR!), you are getting married, however, dating is not an option. You have two choices.

1) Arranged marriage. Your parents will find a spouse for you, and you shall marry this person. You do not get a say nor a choice of any sort, your parents pick and you marry.

2) Mail order spouse. You go through the listings on the internet to find yourself a spouse. You get one, and only one pick. You are not allowed to arrange a dozen meetings through the classifieds and then choose one of them. You can however, have limited correspondence with them over the 'net.

Additionally, you must remain married to your spouse long enough to raise your children to adulthood. Did I say children? Yes, I did.

What do you do? Do you trust your parents to find a suitable spouse for you or do you think you're better off choosing your own spouse?

I find the dominatrix of my dreams online, and let her choose.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

Am I allowed to have a mistress in this hypothetical scenario?

Mistress J?!