The top 5 worst movies ever thread

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-03-28 11:21am

Montcalm wrote:
Zaia wrote:So wait, does this mainstream rule mean that I can't list "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death?!?!" Shit...
"Atomic Twister!!"
I'm not sure but i think direct to video or tv movies don't count

Oh......crap, I think you're right. Damnit. Atomic Twister is the best worst movie EVER! Perhaps it should have its own category, then.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2003-03-28 11:38am

1. Ecks vs. Silver
rented it thinking, good spy movie. turned it off thinking steaming pile of horse shit.

2. Star Trek V
steaming pile of horse shit in space

3. Battlefield Earth
People based a religion out of this? wtf? if the book is half as bad then those are some dumb fucking people.

4. Mall Rats
Kevin Smith should be made to have sex in an uncomfortable place (and i don't mean the back seat of a volkswagon) for sullying his franchise with this. Although he more than redeemed himself with Dogma!

5.Soldier
Although Kurt Russell spoke only 6 times through the whole movie, even that was not enough to save it.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-03-28 11:40am

1) Titanic. - Horrible script, mediocre acting.

2) The Master of Disguise - No words can describe the pain.

3) Freddy Got Fingered - If you don't find Tom Green swinging a bloody newborn around from its umbilical cord, then you, my friend, have no sense of humor. [/sarcasm]

4) Jurassic Park II - JP1 was a good flick, but this? Jesus fucking CHRIST.

5) The Omega Code - Fundie entertainment.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2003-03-28 11:47am

Durran Korr wrote: Freddy Got Fingered - If you don't find Tom Green swinging a bloody newborn around from its umbilical cord, then you, my friend, have no sense of humor. [/sarcasm]

good god i almost forgot about that one...although road trip might have been worse.....

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-03-28 11:51am

Col. Crackpot wrote:
Durran Korr wrote: Freddy Got Fingered - If you don't find Tom Green swinging a bloody newborn around from its umbilical cord, then you, my friend, have no sense of humor. [/sarcasm]
good god i almost forgot about that one...although road trip might have been worse.....

Road Trip was funny as hell, it's a good example of how Tom Green can be funny when used right.

Sir Sirius · Post by **Sir Sirius** » 2003-03-28 12:01pm

1# Prince of Egypt (+all other biblical movies)
2# Star Trek V
3# Blair Witch Project
4# Titanic
5# B5: Legend of the Rangers

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-03-28 12:42pm

I'll only count movies I paid full theater price to see. I can sit through just about anything (if all else fails, I can amuse myself by counting the ways I could have made it better), but when I shell out $8.50 to see a movie that sucks deep fried monkey shit, I get mad. And when I get mad...um, well, not much happens. I'm not very intimidating. Anyway, the movies:

5. Thirteen Ghosts. I could have seen Donnie Darko that weekend. In fact, if I was going to see it on the big screen, I was going to have to see it that weekend, because it came out Friday and was on its way to Blockbuster by Monday. If I hadn't caught 20 minutes of it on HBO 2 and subsequently rented the DVD, I still probably never would have heard of it. Anyway, Thirteen Ghosts starred the guy who plays Monk on A&E, who's a good actor with all the force and charisma of an old sock, which is probably why he's been hired to play a man whose afraid of sidewalk cracks now. When he tried to play a brave, dashing hero, he came off like Charlie Brown fighting the Red Baron--it just doesn't work. Shanon Elizabeth demonstrated why the second best part of her performance in American Pie was that she had about six lines and then mercifully showed us her tits and masturbated for the rest of her part. We got to see the ghosts in strobe-lit, two second MTV cuts. The plot was beyond stupid. The special effects were only okay. The set design was brilliant, but if brilliant set design was all a movie needed, we'd all pay $8.00 to stand around Ikea showrooms. My girlfriend convinced me to go to this waste of cellulose, and I didn't even get laid afterwards.

4. Jurassic Park II: The first was great. The third was a fun popcorn flick, even if they killed T-Rex and had that fucking poseur Spinosaurus as the big badass. The second one stunk. Ever notice the most annoying characters never get eaten? IN JP I, it was the two whining brats. In JP III, it was Tea Leoni. In JP II, it was everybody with a speaking part except the bald British hunter guy. Nameless extras with guns get eaten while hippies armed with nothing but inner peace and respect for mother Earth beat up Velociraptors. And how did a 40 foot long, eight ton animal somehow get loose on a ship and eat the entire crew? The city of San Deigo couldn't have asked the Army to send a fucking Apache to deal with the T-Rex? No, scratch that--I was rooting for Rex. Not only was he infinitely cooler than Ian "I'm Right All Time Even Though My Theories Are Unproven Philosobabble" Malcom, hippies, corporate suits, "paleontologists" who know less about dinosaurs than I do, hippies, dumb mercenaries who don't think to shoot at attacking velociraptors, and hippies, but he was a better actor. What a turd of a movie.

3. Armageddon. It was like taking a bath in stupid. I'd come up with something clever to say here, but frankly, this movie isn't worth that kind of emotional investment. If Liv Tyler had taken her bra off, then maybe it would have had one redeeming feature. She didn't, so it didn't.

2. Battlefield Earth. John, John, John. How could you be so good in Pulp Fiction and so bad here? Oh! Wait! I got it! Quinten Tarantino is a talented writer and director. L. Ron Hubbard and Roger Christian are hacks. Poor Forrest Whittaker has the worst agent on Earth. Ghost Dog, Panic Room, and this sack of scrotum dandruff. I can't say much about how awful this movie is that other people already haven't said, but consider this: my favorite sci-fi genre is post-apocalypse. I get a thrill looking at abandoned shopping centers, and ghost towns practically make me cream my panties. Here's a movie set on an entire planet that's been depopulated, and I don't like it even a little bit. Afterwards, apparently while trying to pretend they hadn't wasted money we could have pooled for a dimebag, some filters, and a box of Twinkies, my friends tried to justify thousand year old Harriers being in perfect working order and cavemen learning how to fly them and slaughtering alien fighters like Predator in a quadripelegic ward, when trained Harrier pilots couldn't do it with 20 year old Harriers a thousand years prior. I explained, politely yet firmly, that they were stupid for trying. I didn't get many arguments.

1. Grease. I'm violating my own rule because I never saw this in the theaters, but Jesus Q. Christ sodomizing a Mexican, I hate this movie.

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-03-28 12:45pm

1. Ecks vs. Silver

I forgot about that piece of crap. You know its a bad movie when you start channel surfing while the movie is playing.

Post by **K. A. Pital** » 2003-03-28 12:56pm

Number One's worst in the World:
1. "Enemy at the gates" (I never saw a war movie suck that much)
1. "Pearl Harbor" (No, actually I did. PH sucks as much as EatG, but it's at least shorter)...
Others:
2. "Battlefield Earth" (It sucks. Travolta sucks there. And everyone does. I hate those who made Habbard look so bad).
3. "The Beach" (A movie for the brain-dead).
4. "Independence Day" (Sucking propaganda).
5. "Lenin and partia: twin brothers" (Sucking propaganda).

I consider all the rest inferior to these hopeless examples of mankind's worst nightmare.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-03-28 01:42pm

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Planet of the Apes (The one released a few years ago): It made no sense whatsover, a big problem.

I love the fact that they kept the ending, but changed the premise, so that the ending no longer made any sense when tacked on...

Post by **RogueIce** » 2003-03-28 02:11pm

RedImperator wrote:2. Battlefield Earth. ...my friends tried to justify thousand year old Harriers being in perfect working order and cavemen learning how to fly them and slaughtering alien fighters like Predator in a quadripelegic ward, when trained Harrier pilots couldn't do it with 20 year old Harriers a thousand years prior. I explained, politely yet firmly, that they were stupid for trying. I didn't get many arguments.

I never did get that...and why would there have been Harriers left in the first place? Don't you think they would've been used the first time around??

As for others mentioned...

Pearl Harbor

irsihmick79 wrote:This movie was supposed to have a somewhat patriotic flair for the American audiences, but I was actually thankful when the Japanese showed up to blow things apart.

Yeah. Definately made it FAR more interesting than the love story they had going on...and still CONTINUED after the damn attack! Arg!

Zaia wrote:"Atomic Twister!!" It's made for TV, but I'll bet some of you have seen bits of it or have at least heard of it. I actually like a lot of bad movies (like this one), but it still has to be listed. A tornado basically sits on this little town for the ENTIRE MOVIE (yes, basically in the same exact spot) while at the SAME TIME there's some weird accident at the nuclear plant and they desperately need to figure out a way to deal with both problems! Basically the solution involves the main female lead taking off more and more articles of clothing.... It's hilarious! Not supposed to be, but it is. And with the biggest-named actor being one of the guys from "Saved By the Bell," you know it's GOT to be good.

Re: Yellowtext...Sounds like a good solution to me!

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. More later, if I get lucky.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-03-28 02:23pm

innerbrat wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Planet of the Apes (The one released a few years ago): It made no sense whatsover, a big problem.

I love the fact that they kept the ending, but changed the premise, so that the ending no longer made any sense when tacked on...

Did Tim Burton even try to present a rationalization for the bumble-fucked ending?

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-03-28 02:28pm

Shinova wrote:4. Mars Attacks (They could've been trying to parody alien invasion movies, but I'm not sure.)

Could've? They obviously were.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-03-28 02:36pm

Uncle Joe Shannon: Drunk, suicidal, Blues musician tries to redeem himself by taking care of a dying kid because of the family he lost due to his alcoholic excess.

Heaven's Gate: Micheal Cimeno's second film, and his worst, too long, bad history, really bloody & really borring. (The cattle war only had two deaths and a drawn out court case, but that isn't a western)

Iron Monkey 2: Shameless exploitation of the Original Iron Monkey, as well as the shlock fu masterpiece "Master of the Flying Gullietine" with whole sequences lifted from the other movie.

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-03-28 02:38pm

Durran Korr wrote: Did Tim Burton even try to present a rationalization for the bumble-fucked ending?

The only explanation I could come up with: Bad-guy-monkey-dude breaks out of crashed-spaceship and learns about technology. He build a spaceship and travels from monkey-planet to civil-war-era-earth, conquering it with his superior-futuristic-space-monkey-weaponry.

Whats-his-face-from-pearl-harbour goes back and ends up in just-about-now-Earth and finds it fully monkeyfied.

Its a crappy explanation buts its the best I could think of. I thought that maybe human history was erased because of something they did, but that doesn't explain the monkey statue.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-03-28 02:44pm

Durran Korr wrote:
innerbrat wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Planet of the Apes (The one released a few years ago): It made no sense whatsover, a big problem.

I love the fact that they kept the ending, but changed the premise, so that the ending no longer made any sense when tacked on...
Did Tim Burton even try to present a rationalization for the bumble-fucked ending?

Yes, and I think it was "We were on crack when we decided to make it."

If they changed it, what was the origional premise?

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-03-28 03:04pm

Grease. It is equivelant to five sucky movies all by itself. I hate this movie with a passion. "Remember, kids, smoke, drink, skip school, sleep around!"; not to mention the stupid damn plot. I think the plot was damn stupid. I don't actually remember a plot. It was mostly stupid people with fucked up hair running around and singing about things no one really cared about.

And the ending! Oh God, the ending! The actress looked better in the BEGINNING of the movie, all the guys ignore her, and then, at the very end, she shows up in a black catsuit, smoking, slightly wrinked and with her hair in some sort of blonde beach-ball afro, and everybody starts drooling over her. They must have some fucked-up priorities.

I watched Jurassic Pasrk again recently, and it still scares me - it's easily the best film Spielberg ever made

Minority Report is his best, I think.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-03-28 03:07pm

And the ending! Oh God, the ending! The actress looked better in the BEGINNING of the movie, all the guys ignore her, and then, at the very end, she shows up in a black catsuit, smoking, slightly wrinked and with her hair in some sort of blonde beach-ball afro, and everybody starts drooling over her. They must have some fucked-up priorities.

I thought I was the only person who took notice of this. She looked like a three dollar whore at the end.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-03-28 03:08pm

SPOILER - The Planet of the Apes

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
innerbrat wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Planet of the Apes (The one released a few years ago): It made no sense whatsover, a big problem.

I love the fact that they kept the ending, but changed the premise, so that the ending no longer made any sense when tacked on...
If they changed it, what was the origional premise?

It was based on a rather linear view of evolution, in which the outcoem is predetermined, so every one of a certain type of planet in the universe will have an identical history of life - on the Planet, the apes had succeeded humans in an independant but somehow preordained sequence.
When he escaped to earth, it was only to discover that the same thing had happened on Earth.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-03-28 03:22pm

Zoink wrote:
Durran Korr wrote: Did Tim Burton even try to present a rationalization for the bumble-fucked ending?
The only explanation I could come up with: Bad-guy-monkey-dude breaks out of crashed-spaceship and learns about technology. He build a spaceship and travels from monkey-planet to civil-war-era-earth, conquering it with his superior-futuristic-space-monkey-weaponry.

Whats-his-face-from-pearl-harbour goes back and ends up in just-about-now-Earth and finds it fully monkeyfied.

Its a crappy explanation buts its the best I could think of. I thought that maybe human history was erased because of something they did, but that doesn't explain the monkey statue.

Sounds like a plot that MoJo JoJo hatched. This looks like a job for
The
POWERPUFFGIRLS!!

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2003-03-28 03:23pm

Any "Worst-Movies-Of-All-Time" list is required to have at least two movies that won at the 2002 and 2003 Oscars or it will be invalid.

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-03-28 03:31pm

Hmm...

1. Battlefield Earth (Pure, pure, utter crap. Offensive camera angles, horrible nonsensical plot and lame acting)
2. Star Trek V (Trek's lamest outing)
3. Star Trek Insurrection (Trek's dumbest outing)
4. Jurassic Park 3 (A mere excuse to show more advanced dinos with modern CG technology; no real plot at all)
5. Pearl Harbor/Titanic (tied for completely marginalizing tragic historical events by adding lame subplots and shitty romantic interludes that may or may not have occurred)

j1j2j3 · Post by **j1j2j3** » 2003-03-28 03:40pm

Crossroads staring Ms Spears.

My friend who is a rabid fan of Spears made me watch this with him and I have not forgiven him since.

Arrrggh.. I still have nightmares about it, I can't describe the plot because that would cause to many brain cells to die.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-03-28 04:02pm

j1j2j3 wrote:Crossroads staring Ms Spears.

My friend who is a rabid fan of Spears made me watch this with him and I have not forgiven him since.

Arrrggh.. I still have nightmares about it, I can't describe the plot because that would cause to many brain cells to die.

Given the title, blues history, I was hoping someone has the scene where the devil shows up to claim Ms Spears soul? Wait, don't tell me it's not in the movie....

Damn that and where the Toad breaks out his double bladed lightsaber and deflects Cyclop's eyebeam into Storm were like the two best scenes they never showed.

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2003-03-28 04:26pm

The Highlander sequals - Not even Connery in H2 could rescue them

Titanic - The only good thing is watching Leo Dicap. die !

Pearl Harbour - They turned a film about one of Americas greatest losses into a film with a happy ending! WTF! And it totally sucked donkey balls.

A Beautiful Mind - Boring crap that somehow managed to take Oscars off LoTR

Blair Witch Project - Just WTF is meant to be so scary about this film??? Oh look, we got lost in the woods, WHOOP-DI-FUCKING-DO!