MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[aerius]

Co-worker: it says inflate to 8 bar, how much is that?
Me: 800 kilopascals
CW: No, psi, how much is that in psi?
Me: Canada is a metric country, we don't do retard units
CW: fuck you, just tell me what it is in psi!
Me: sorry man, we don't speak stupid around here

[U.P. Cinnabar]

Is there a gauge, or is your co-worker incapable of reading it?

[aerius]

The gauge is in psi but the label is in bars. Yeah, I know, real helpful there. I'm old enough that I still use the Imperial system and can do the conversions, but we're a metric country damnit!

[Napoleon the Clown]

Is this dude not aware that Google can do the conversion for him?

[U.P. Cinnabar]

The gauge is in psi but the label is in bars. Yeah, I know, real helpful there. I'm old enough that I still use the Imperial system and can do the conversions, but we're a metric country damnit!

But why should you? That coworker's gonna have to do the job on his own, isn't he? Then he can Google the conversion on his own(with one of those smart phone thingies people can't even go to the shitter without), and not bother you.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

116.03 psi, on the remote chance he's both literate and lurking here.

[Lagmonster]

Yelled down the hall: "YOU CAN'T STICK THAT IN A RABBIT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

I refuse to seek context.

[InsaneTD]

Probably for the best you don't...

[Raw Shark]

CO-WORKER: You're working too hard, man! Slow that shit down.

ME: I'm sorry, what?

CO-WORKER: We want to keep this contract for the rest of the week!

ME: Wow. I'm going to have to adjust my paradigm here.

[Raw Shark]

LATEST BOSS: So let me be absolutely clear - We have a very strict policy against sexual harassment here. This is including but not limited to verbal comments about appearance or sexuality, as well as inappropriate visual contact and, it should go without saying, physical contact.

ME: Of course, sir. I will remain professional and respectful at all times.

[TIME PASSES]

THE ONLY HOT LADY IN THE PLANT: No, Shark, stick in the hole this way! Shove it in harder!

OTHER GUY: That's what she said!

[GENERAL LAUGHTER]

ME: Huh. Very strict indeed. [twigs to the culture at the new workplace] I am outraged at your suggestions, madam!

THE ONLY HOT LADY IN THE PLANT: [claps me on the shoulder; I am now one of the guys of various genders]

[Raw Shark]

ME: So, you wanna maybe have dinner after this?

THE ONLY HOT LADY AT THE PLANT: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Of course you do. Question stands.

THE ONLY HOT LADY AT THE PLANT: ... You're confident.

ME: You like it.

THE ONLY HOT LADY AT THE PLANT: I do. But the answer is still no.

MEL: A Scout is loyal.

[U.P. Cinnabar]

And, eleven other things. Though you don't strike me as the reverent type.

[Raw Shark]

And, eleven other things. Though you don't strike me as the reverent type.

I do disobey Obedient and Reverent. Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, and Clean I've got you on. There are also unspoken parts that I will forever uphold. An Eagle is an Eagle until he dies.

[Raw Shark]

WHAM

ON-SITE BOSS: What the Goddamned motherfucking son of a- Somebody call this puddle an ambulance!

ME: [MOANING] It's cool, guys... I think I can hack it...

[time passes]

OVERBOSS: So, Shark. Because of your workplace incident, I'm going to be required to test you for drugs and alcohol.

ME: Well, OB, I can save you some time doing paperwork and tell you that any drug test you give me will show positive for pot due to off-duty use, and since I'm in body-wide pain on my day off, I'm drunk right now.

OVERBOSS: Well, shit... thanks for your honesty, but this probably isn't going to-

ME: Does it help if I say that I consider the matter fully-settled between the guy who fucked up, Medicaid, and myself, and that I'm not filing for workman's comp?

OVERBOSS ...I think we can work something out...

[U.P. Cinnabar]

You said the magic words, Shark.

[Enigma]

*Team Lead comes over to inspect our work*

TL: I'm here to check your parts.

*Covering myself with my hands and expressed a mock shock*

Me: How dare you try to inspect my parts!

TL: *laughs*

[LaCroix]

I realized (after realizing my welding gas line had a leak) that you can actually weld without innert gas.

But the weld turns out kind of just like me.
Ugly.
All over the place.
Barely hanging on.

[muse]

New co-worker: wow, what a day. So how was your day today?
Me: I'm going to go home and drown some kittens in the bathtub.
Newbie: Um...yeah...uh...I guess it's better than clubbing baby seals. How could anyone club a seal? They're so cute!
Me: $20 a pelt.
Newbie: Jesus, what is wrong with you?

[U.P. Cinnabar]

First rule of mouse's office: Don't poke the muse.

[madd0ct0r]

Say Maddoc, whats your actual job here now?


Polyfilla. When cracks appear they slap me on.

[LaCroix]

Overhearing a collegue having issues with an infinity loop.

Me*quickly makes a moebius loop&walks over*: Here, I made you a 3D model of your problem.

Coworker: *stares at loop* F**k you...

[LadyTevar]

We get people from all over the US calling in to book a whitewater rafting trip down the New River. But some of these "Adventure seekers" are such WIMPS!

Me, answering call: Hi! Thank you for calling, how may I help you? (there's more to the spiel, I ain't typing it)
Female from Michigan : OH! We saw the weather report, and we want to cancel our trip tomorrow! It's gonna be 50% chance of Rain!
Me, thinking 'serioulsy?' but trying to stop cancellation : Yes, we're going to get a little rain tomorrow, but the trip will still go. After all, (jokingly) on the river you're going to get wet either way.
Her, thrown a little : You... well... yes... we would... (weak chuckle). But... you'll still be running? What about ThunderStorms?!
Me : You will be 800ft down in a steep gorge. Lightning strikes the highest point, which will be well above you. If it does look bad, the guides will move over to the riverbank and wait the worst out, but the trip will go on.
Her, still unsure : So... you keep going? In the rain?
Me, unable to believe the wimpy-whiner : Yes, ma'am. And besides, it's only 50%, which means there's an equal chance of no rain whatsoever.
Her: uhhhhh
Me, getting into it : This is actually normal summer weather for our region. We get very humid during the day, and in the afternoon or late evening clouds form and we get a "pop-up thunderstorm". I see you're going on the morning trip, so you may not see rain at all!
Her, cautiously : So... I shouldn't cancel, for the rain?
Me, rolling my eyes: No ma'am. We're running it rain or shine, so there's no reason to cancel just over the weather. (repeat joke about getting wet either way)
Her : Ok... we'll be there tomorrow.

I hang up, and one of the supervisors who's been with the company for 10yrs says "Next time, tell her that if she wants to cancel over rain, that's fine, but she's not getting any refund because WE didn't cancel the trip over the weather, we're still running it. That will shut her up."

[LadyTevar]

And, for the Brits --

Her: Hallo, I saw your advert online and I wanted to book a trip, since you're just outside of London!
Co-worker : umm... I'm sorry ma'am?
Her : Well, you're just in Corbin (sp) right? That's just a short trip for me!
Co-Worker: Ma'am, we're in West Virginia.
Her : (dead silence, then dial tone)

[LadyTevar]

Then there was the gentleman who called wanting to "Kayak in the Cave!"

After some confusion on my part, as we DO have a Spelunking Tour at Lost World Caverns, I finally determine the problem --
"Sir, This is ADVENTURES ON THE GORGE... In WEST VIRGINIA."
Him: ....... You're Not in KENTUCKY?

He also quickly hung up to call whomever in Kentucky lets you take a kayak into a cave.

[Elheru Aran]

...how do you not notice you're calling a US number? Or has phone calling changed that much you can just dial whatever from anywhere?