NEW CO-WORKER: Hi, excuse me, Sir- Could you possibly help me to [get ridiculous object off very high shelf]
MY DUMB ASS: DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO!?
NEW CO-WORKER: OhmigawdI'mso-
MY DUMB ASS: Dude. I am totally fucking with you. Where's your flat?
MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Moderator: Edi
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Really? That's the only thing? The utterly unrepentant piece of MAGA shit I work with is an exception there?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
And unless I am unclear on this, I fully do believe that any blue collar Trumpie is A FUCKING RETARD. Proceed to go up on that if you want.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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LaCroix
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 5196
- Joined: 2004-12-21 12:14pm
- Location: Sopron District, Hungary, Europe, Terra
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Lunch - there were Burgers that had the Cafeteria Logo burned into them...
Coworker (miffed): Don't you like it when they brand their logo into the food? Territorial, aren't they?
Yours truly: Just be glad they didn't pee on it to mark their territory... You know, there are places...
*round of silent nods around the table, eating commences*
Coworker (miffed): Don't you like it when they brand their logo into the food? Territorial, aren't they?
Yours truly: Just be glad they didn't pee on it to mark their territory... You know, there are places...
*round of silent nods around the table, eating commences*
A minute's thought suggests that the very idea of this is stupid. A more detailed examination raises the possibility that it might be an answer to the question "how could the Germans win the war after the US gets involved?" - Captain Seafort, in a thread proposing a 1942 'D-Day' in Quiberon Bay
I do archery skeet. With a Trebuchet.
I do archery skeet. With a Trebuchet.
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I said ONE TRUTH. MAGA is a big fat lie
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
At work I'm a Quality Coordinator and last night I had to inspect every tote that had been re-worked. A co-worker who was the head of the group reworking the totes, came up to me with one of them.
Co-worker: "Is this okay? The customer wrote something on the bottom of the insert."
Me: "Let me see." I take a look inside. "No goog? Let me turn this around........ boob on?"
Both of us chuckle and I told her it was fine to use.
Co-worker: "Is this okay? The customer wrote something on the bottom of the insert."
Me: "Let me see." I take a look inside. "No goog? Let me turn this around........ boob on?"
Both of us chuckle and I told her it was fine to use.
ASVS('97)/SDN('03)
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
HR will need to speak with you tomorrow.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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The Romulan Republic
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 21559
- Joined: 2008-10-15 01:37am
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Had to special order a customer a copy of Mein Kampf at work today (for those who don't know, I work in a bookstore). They swore it was for academic purposes (university class, I gathered). Honestly I think they were more embarrassed to be buying it than I was to be selling it.
Still, there's something slightly spooky about writing "Hitler, Adolph" under author's name on an order card. There was this weird feeling of mixing something so ordinary, and something so sinister. I felt kind of like a Potter Wizarding saying "Voldemort" instead of You Know Who.
Still, there's something slightly spooky about writing "Hitler, Adolph" under author's name on an order card. There was this weird feeling of mixing something so ordinary, and something so sinister. I felt kind of like a Potter Wizarding saying "Voldemort" instead of You Know Who.
"I know its easy to be defeatist here because nothing has seemingly reigned Trump in so far. But I will say this: every asshole succeeds until finally, they don't. Again, 18 months before he resigned, Nixon had a sky-high approval rating of 67%. Harvey Weinstein was winning Oscars until one day, he definitely wasn't."-John Oliver
"The greatest enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect plan."-General Von Clauswitz, describing my opinion of Bernie or Busters and third partiers in a nutshell.
I SUPPORT A NATIONAL GENERAL STRIKE TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE.
"The greatest enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect plan."-General Von Clauswitz, describing my opinion of Bernie or Busters and third partiers in a nutshell.
I SUPPORT A NATIONAL GENERAL STRIKE TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE.
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
HR will do squat as it was the customer that wrote it not us. Not my problem that the customer can't spell.
ASVS('97)/SDN('03)
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Co-worker 1: All you white people look the same to me
Co-worker 2: You're a white person... and he's Mexican.
Co-worker 2: You're a white person... and he's Mexican.
"Siege warfare, French for spawn camp" WTYP podcast
It's so bad it wraps back around to awesome then back to bad again, then back to halfway between awesome and bad. Like if ed wood directed a godzilla movie - Duckie
It's so bad it wraps back around to awesome then back to bad again, then back to halfway between awesome and bad. Like if ed wood directed a godzilla movie - Duckie
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MEXICAN-AMERICAN CO-WORKER: Mateo Dos es muy fuerte...
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Si, y muy facil, y-
ME: Hablo Español, senoritas. [wink]
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Si, y muy facil, y-
ME: Hablo Español, senoritas. [wink]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
CO-WORKER #1: Oh yeah!? [takes a drunken swing]
CO-WORKER #2: Yeah! [drops into a kickboxing stance and shifts weight to throw a high kick]
ME: [barges in] HAUL THIS BUS TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! WE NEED YOU THIS MORNING AND IF YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER I WILL LITERALLY RAPE YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BODIES!
~~~~
When I have to be the adult in the room, shit's gone sideways.
CO-WORKER #2: Yeah! [drops into a kickboxing stance and shifts weight to throw a high kick]
ME: [barges in] HAUL THIS BUS TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! WE NEED YOU THIS MORNING AND IF YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER I WILL LITERALLY RAPE YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BODIES!
~~~~
When I have to be the adult in the room, shit's gone sideways.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
[time passes]
BOSS: ...Shark. You know, I like where your head's at, but I need you to take it down maybe half a notch.
ME: Yes, ma'am. One half of a notch, ma'am.
BOSS: ...Shark. You know, I like where your head's at, but I need you to take it down maybe half a notch.
ME: Yes, ma'am. One half of a notch, ma'am.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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LaCroix
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 5196
- Joined: 2004-12-21 12:14pm
- Location: Sopron District, Hungary, Europe, Terra
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Shark - the shift supervisor version of the hound...
A minute's thought suggests that the very idea of this is stupid. A more detailed examination raises the possibility that it might be an answer to the question "how could the Germans win the war after the US gets involved?" - Captain Seafort, in a thread proposing a 1942 'D-Day' in Quiberon Bay
I do archery skeet. With a Trebuchet.
I do archery skeet. With a Trebuchet.
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FaxModem1
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 7700
- Joined: 2002-10-30 06:40pm
- Location: In a dark reflection of a better world
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Its worrying when my coworkers are taking the time to tell me to stop working so much, they're concerned that I'm going to collapse because I keep on saying yes to overtime and extra shifts.
Fellow Supervisor: You need to stop doing this. You're going to be so tired that you're going to crash driving home.
Me: I only live five minutes away.
Fellow Supervisor: Doesn't matter. You're going to collapse and die if you're not careful. You need to start saying no when (boss) asks you to come in.
Me: I need the money.
Fellow Supervisor: Fax, you need to take time off when you're supposed to take time off. I know (the boss) relies on you when there's holes to fill, but you need to relax.
Subordinate : You can't spend the money when your dead.
Me: I promise, if I'm close to dying, I'll take some days off.
Fellow Supervisor: You do know they'll find someone to fill in when you die, right?
Me: Nah, they'll just sell me to the local glue factory for missed profits.
Fellow Supervisor: You need to stop doing this. You're going to be so tired that you're going to crash driving home.
Me: I only live five minutes away.
Fellow Supervisor: Doesn't matter. You're going to collapse and die if you're not careful. You need to start saying no when (boss) asks you to come in.
Me: I need the money.
Fellow Supervisor: Fax, you need to take time off when you're supposed to take time off. I know (the boss) relies on you when there's holes to fill, but you need to relax.
Subordinate : You can't spend the money when your dead.
Me: I promise, if I'm close to dying, I'll take some days off.
Fellow Supervisor: You do know they'll find someone to fill in when you die, right?
Me: Nah, they'll just sell me to the local glue factory for missed profits.
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Yep. Need a new job: They are moving us to day shift and removing the shift differential to do it so I will lose pay to do the same job I'm doing now, only since it will be the day shift then customers will be everywhere and have to deal with the idiots in management.
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MASSHOLE ACCENT THEATER:
CO-WORKER #1: Lookit me, I gotta 10' [box shipped by the company called something that sounds like] Boner!
CO-WORKER #2: Don't fucking slap me with that 10' Boner!
ME: Jesus Fuckin' Christ, kid, you just hit my box with your Boner!
FEMALE CO-WORKER: My aunt is in HR but I don't hate you so I'm just turning up my music right now.
CO-WORKER #1: I can't control a Boner this big all the time!
CO-WORKER #2: If we knew you couldn't control a 10' Boner, you wouldn't have this job. How did you get out of the casting couch?
ME: They don't call it Boner because it's easy. They call it Boner because it's hard.
CO-WORKER #1: Lookit me, I gotta 10' [box shipped by the company called something that sounds like] Boner!
CO-WORKER #2: Don't fucking slap me with that 10' Boner!
ME: Jesus Fuckin' Christ, kid, you just hit my box with your Boner!
FEMALE CO-WORKER: My aunt is in HR but I don't hate you so I'm just turning up my music right now.
CO-WORKER #1: I can't control a Boner this big all the time!
CO-WORKER #2: If we knew you couldn't control a 10' Boner, you wouldn't have this job. How did you get out of the casting couch?
ME: They don't call it Boner because it's easy. They call it Boner because it's hard.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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Silver Jedi
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 299
- Joined: 2002-07-24 12:15am
- Location: The D of C
- Contact:
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Co-worker 1: How do you spell "exed"?
Co-worker 2: "Eksed"?
Co-worker 1: Yeah. Like, "I "X"'d something out"
Co-worker 2: ...
Co-worker 1: I'll just say "marked"
Co-worker 2: "Eksed"?
Co-worker 1: Yeah. Like, "I "X"'d something out"
Co-worker 2: ...
Co-worker 1: I'll just say "marked"
Not a n00b, just a lurker
108th post on Wed Jun 28, 2006 A Whoop!
200th post on Fri Feb 3, 2012 Six months shy of a decade!
108th post on Wed Jun 28, 2006 A Whoop!
200th post on Fri Feb 3, 2012 Six months shy of a decade!
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
RAW SHARK DOES AN ACTIVE SHOOTER SEMINAR:
HR: Okay, today we're doing an active shooter drill, because of what happened at Wal-Mart.
ME: Are you sure that this is more necessary than me doing my actual job?
HR: Absolutely. So in the event of an active shooter, what could you find that could help you to stop-
ME: [deploys box cutter] Okay, team. This here is your Stanley Knife. It's good for a lot of things, but going deep is not one of them, so the first thing you've got to consider is surface area. I know going for the gun arm will occur to you first, but forget that until you take out the eyes. Then when you have the arm locked up, you gotta go down the river, not across the street, and-
HR: Shark. Stop helping.
HR: Okay, today we're doing an active shooter drill, because of what happened at Wal-Mart.
ME: Are you sure that this is more necessary than me doing my actual job?
HR: Absolutely. So in the event of an active shooter, what could you find that could help you to stop-
ME: [deploys box cutter] Okay, team. This here is your Stanley Knife. It's good for a lot of things, but going deep is not one of them, so the first thing you've got to consider is surface area. I know going for the gun arm will occur to you first, but forget that until you take out the eyes. Then when you have the arm locked up, you gotta go down the river, not across the street, and-
HR: Shark. Stop helping.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
When the going gets crazy, the crazy get going.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Shark, for some reason I was expecting the HR person's last line to be more like:
HR: Shark. Stop. Helping.
HR: Shark. Stop. Helping.
A mad person thinks there's a gateway to hell in his basement. A mad genius builds one and turns it on. - CaptainChewbacca
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
*looks around, whistling innocently*
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
RAW SHARK PULLS OVER TO ANSWER A TEXT MESSAGE DURING RUSH HOUR:
RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Are you my Uber? I'm [first name].
YOUR DRIVER: Don't call me that. I drove a real cab, not a clown car.
RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Look, my Uber is late and I've got half an hour to get to Logan. I'll give you a hundred bucks, cash.
YOUR DRIVER: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.
RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Are you my Uber? I'm [first name].
YOUR DRIVER: Don't call me that. I drove a real cab, not a clown car.
RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Look, my Uber is late and I've got half an hour to get to Logan. I'll give you a hundred bucks, cash.
YOUR DRIVER: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
NEW CLIENT: I need you here in about 90 seconds.
ME: It's gonna take me 300.
NEW CLIENT: Make it happen. I'll pay what you're worth.
ME: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.
ME: ARE THERE GUNS OUT?
NEW CLIENT: Yeah.
ME: On my way.
Let nobody say that I don't earn my pay.
ME: It's gonna take me 300.
NEW CLIENT: Make it happen. I'll pay what you're worth.
ME: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.
ME: ARE THERE GUNS OUT?
NEW CLIENT: Yeah.
ME: On my way.
Let nobody say that I don't earn my pay.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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FaxModem1
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 7700
- Joined: 2002-10-30 06:40pm
- Location: In a dark reflection of a better world
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I've gotten to know the homeless at my job. Since I'm security, I HAVE to get them to leave. More often than not, it's just a polite conversation. You get really good at listening to their personal histories, when more often than not, I get lost in what they're talking about.
For instance, a guy that frequents the place on a usual basis was spotted by my guard on camera a couple weeks ago, and I investigated. The guy I talked to was just trying to get out of the cold and the rain. We talked, and he appreciated me listening to him. He was wrapped up in conspiracy theories about tech companies and how the Dallas area was the hub for all sorts of Illuminati style BS. He has to be off the grid. I only understood about half of what he's talking about, either due to my ignorance about computer programming, or because he wasn't making a lot of sense, or both.
Life sucks for them, and I offer them the contact information for local charities, but there really isn't a lot I can do, as I think I'd be there with them if my life went slightly differently. I still feel like a heel for having to escort them off the property.
For instance, a guy that frequents the place on a usual basis was spotted by my guard on camera a couple weeks ago, and I investigated. The guy I talked to was just trying to get out of the cold and the rain. We talked, and he appreciated me listening to him. He was wrapped up in conspiracy theories about tech companies and how the Dallas area was the hub for all sorts of Illuminati style BS. He has to be off the grid. I only understood about half of what he's talking about, either due to my ignorance about computer programming, or because he wasn't making a lot of sense, or both.
Life sucks for them, and I offer them the contact information for local charities, but there really isn't a lot I can do, as I think I'd be there with them if my life went slightly differently. I still feel like a heel for having to escort them off the property.