[Warning - this thread may contain traces of sarcasm]

Post by **weemadando** » 2003-04-04 03:07am

American Marine Corps Hero Killed.

Pentagon spokespersons today announced that the heroic Marine Corps soldier who gave his life valiantly in the process of liberating the Iraqi population of their precious oil reserves was killed by an Iraqi fundamentalist suicide powerline. This is the latest in a string of dirty, underhand and downright naughty tactics used by the Iraqi's which have included, but not been limited to: fighting against their American liberators, choosing to fight their American liberators in terrain of their choosing and making their American liberators look bad on TV.

PFC Jessica Lynch Rescued.

This all American good looking classy girl was rescued from an Iraqi hospital where she was receiving medical treatment today. In an unrelated story nine american heroes have given their lives and a further eight have gone missing for their nation while this was happening.

Heroic American Forces Capture Evil Airfield.

The Saddam International Airport was captured today by the heroic forces of the United States Military dedicated to Iraqi liberation. Reports of civilians being slightly miffed at delayed flights were discounted by Pentagon officials who said that "These damn ungrateful Iraqi's should be happy that we are now flying into that shit-hole of a country, I mean, its all empty planes going out once we've dropped off the oil company people. And what's the problem with flying United anyway? Just because we serve bacon for breakfast, ham sandwiches for lunch and pork chops for dinner..."

Air Force Heroes attack Heroic Ground Forces.

In what the White House is describing as an act of "Friendly Rivalry" one of the heroes of the sky attacked a group of heroes on the ground. One of these brave men on the ground gave his life so that his blood may flow to liberate more of Iraq, its people, and its oil.

More on this story to come...

Stuart Mackey · Post by **Stuart Mackey** » 2003-04-04 03:20am

Most amusing

Glocksman · Post by **Glocksman** » 2003-04-04 03:47am

Now put the remote down and slowly back away from the Television.
You've obviously watched too much of the "Fair and Balanced" Fox News.
You can be helped.

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-04-04 03:24pm

Continuing the trend of using 'twisted' :

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-04 03:50pm

Glocksman wrote:Now put the remote down and slowly back away from the Television.
You've obviously watched too much of the "Fair and Balanced" Fox News.
You can be helped.

Damn him! He's figured out how we've been selling the war to the hicks and the rubes! Mobilize the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy immediately! The Limbaugh Division is already en route to Toronto (as of right now, they're busy bankrupting an all-you-can-eat pancake house on an I-95 rest stop in Maryland) to capture Thought Criminal Wong and take him back to General Liddy for reeducation, so send the Reagan's Raiders brigade to Tasmania on the R.S.S. Buckley carrier group. Capture Mr. Russell, then bomb Hobart flat so next time they think twice about harboring a spy and a Thought Criminal.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-04-04 03:52pm

RedImperator wrote:
Glocksman wrote:Now put the remote down and slowly back away from the Television.
You've obviously watched too much of the "Fair and Balanced" Fox News.
You can be helped.
Damn him! He's figured out how we've been selling the war to the hicks and the rubes! Mobilize the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy immediately! The Limbaugh Division is already en route to Toronto (as of right now, they're busy bankrupting an all-you-can-eat pancake house on an I-95 rest stop in Maryland) to capture Thought Criminal Wong and take him back to General Liddy for reeducation, so send the Reagan's Raiders brigade to Tasmania on the R.S.S. Buckley carrier group. Capture Mr. Russell, then bomb Hobart flat so next time they think twice about harboring a spy and a Thought Criminal.

Hear hear!

DOWN WITH THE THOUGHT CRIMINALS!!!!!

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-04 03:54pm

You're blowing our cover, Red...I think it may be time for a....RED PURGE!

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-04 04:00pm

Durran Korr wrote:You're blowing our cover, Red...I think it may be time for a....RED PURGE!

Ah, Durran...such promise, wasted now thanks to obviously too much exposure to liberal mind rot. I feel...almost saddened, really, to sign your termination order. Perhaps had I not trusted you with so much responsibility so fast, you would not have broken under the pressure. Were I not always right, I might think that this could be partly my fault.

<sigh> Nathan, have the traitor and thought criminal blinded, lamed, and neutered, and then send him to General Liddy's reeducation center, with specific instructions that Mr. O'Reilley will be his case worker. Then bring me the video of Senator Kennedy being boiled in oil and a glass of wine made from the blood of children in single parent families. I need something to cheer me up.

Strafe · Post by **Strafe** » 2003-04-04 04:02pm

RedImperator wrote:
Durran Korr wrote:You're blowing our cover, Red...I think it may be time for a....RED PURGE!
Ah, Durran...such promise, wasted now thanks to obviously too much exposure to liberal mind rot. I feel...almost saddened, really, to sign your termination order. Perhaps had I not trusted you with so much responsibility so fast, you would not have broken under the pressure. Were I not always right, I might think that this could be partly my fault.

<sigh> Nathan, have the traitor and thought criminal blinded, lamed, and neutered, and then send him to General Liddy's reeducation center, with specific instructions that Mr. O'Reilley will be his case worker. Then bring me the video of Senator Kennedy being boiled in oil and a glass of wine made from the blood of children in single parent families. I need something to cheer me up.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-04-04 04:03pm

Yessir.

*Grabs Durran Korr and hauls him off to the G.G.Liddy Center for Mental Re-education*

Would you like the vintage 1996 from the cellar?

And would you rather have the DVD with frame by frame analysis of the Sen. Kennedy boiling?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-04 04:07pm

Screw you guys, I'm gonna form my own Just as Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.

Post by **Coyote** » 2003-04-04 04:30pm

Hah! I am a member of the US military, the NRA, and a religious believer that has some conservative leanings-- I am my own axis of evil, all by myself! Hahahahaaaa!

Now I am going to kill everyone in some foreign country just so I can have their oil... swim in it, drink it, smear it all over my body... yessirree Bob, I've got my own Vast-Right-Wing Axis-of-Evil Conspiracy Club right here and taking applications!

And a cool secret handshake.

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2003-04-04 04:39pm

Coyote wrote:Hah! I am a member of the US military, the NRA, and a religious believer that has some conservative leanings-- I am my own axis of evil, all by myself! Hahahahaaaa!

Now I am going to kill everyone in some foreign country just so I can have their oil... swim in it, drink it, smear it all over my body... yessirree Bob, I've got my own Vast-Right-Wing Axis-of-Evil Conspiracy Club right here and taking applications!

And a cool secret handshake.

Does the handshake involve oil or perhaps some other lubricating substance?

Post by **Coyote** » 2003-04-04 04:43pm

Breaking News: Anti-War Protesters Chant Different Bumper Sticker Slogans

Gondwanaland, AP-- Anti-war protesters today broke new ground when they changed their knee-jerked slogan chant from "No war for Oil" to the more provocative "Bush is a Poo-Poo Head".

"We just weren't getting anywhere with the old bumper sticker slogan," spokesman Pat McCrotch said on behalf of the anti-war protest movement known as 'Jobless Fry Cooks for Peace', "It seemed stale. It was left over from the original Gulf War, you know". Other jobless hippies, freaks, longhairs and similar idle, shiftless people approved the move to the new slogan.

"This really adds some pizzazz to our movement," said Wilma Fingerdew, a 30-year-old out-of-work Art major. "I mean, lets face it, Bush is a poo-poo head. Michael Moore said so," she quipped, revealing her source of information, "He [Moore] also said that Bush is 'mean', so I guess he must be."

The two activists joined hundreds of other protesters, many with tie-dyed t-shirts and Grateful Dead bandannas, while others sported black turtleneck sweaters and waved unread books of Franz Kafka.

"Oh, the angst," said unemployed 40-year-old poet Turner Brown, as he adjusted his tinted John Lennon glasses, "I was so happy that they changed the slogan, it was getting pretty dull chanting the same thing over and over again," he admitted, "Not that I don't have faith in my movement. I am sure that if we chant enough easy, black-and-white slogans like commercial jingles, sooner or later the people will wake up and have original thoughts," he said with confidence, "Just like me."

Post by **Coyote** » 2003-04-04 04:44pm

Tsyroc wrote:
Coyote wrote:And a cool secret handshake.
Does the handshake involve oil or perhaps some other lubricating substance?

Well, I could tell ya.. but then... you know....

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-04 04:52pm

Nathan F wrote:Yessir.

*Grabs Durran Korr and hauls him off to the G.G.Liddy Center for Mental Re-education*

Would you like the vintage 1996 from the cellar?

And would you rather have the DVD with frame by frame analysis of the Sen. Kennedy boiling?

Don't we have any of the '87 left? We used a homeless mother of three adorable cripples for that one--most excellent. And if I recall correctly, we sold the cripples to the circus. And yes, bring me the DVD. And when I'm done, I want Patricia Ireland to bake me a pie. She's still pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen, right?

theski · Post by **theski** » 2003-04-04 04:52pm

Gee, I guess us right wingers have a sense of humor after all!!

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-04-04 05:01pm

RedImperator wrote: Don't we have any of the '87 left? We used a homeless mother of three adorable cripples for that one--most excellent. And if I recall correctly, we sold the cripples to the circus. And yes, bring me the DVD. And when I'm done, I want Patricia Ireland to bake me a pie. She's still pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen, right?

No, we used all the '87 at the last VRWC International Meeting.

Far as I kno she is still in the kitchen, that is unless she hasn't starved.

You might want to consider feeding her bread and water at least once a week. (who say's I am not a heartless conservative?)

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-04 05:21pm

Tsyroc wrote:
Coyote wrote:Hah! I am a member of the US military, the NRA, and a religious believer that has some conservative leanings-- I am my own axis of evil, all by myself! Hahahahaaaa!

Now I am going to kill everyone in some foreign country just so I can have their oil... swim in it, drink it, smear it all over my body... yessirree Bob, I've got my own Vast-Right-Wing Axis-of-Evil Conspiracy Club right here and taking applications!

And a cool secret handshake.
Does the handshake involve oil or perhaps some other lubricating substance?

You're damn right, 100% Iraqi oil. Once you go Iraqi, you never go backi.

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-04 05:39pm

Nathan F wrote:No, we used all the '87 at the last VRWC International Meeting.

Damn. Alright, bring me the '96. Now I'm annoyed, though. I shall have to pistol whip Nancy Pelosi again.

Far as I kno she is still in the kitchen, that is unless she hasn't starved.

You might want to consider feeding her bread and water at least once a week. (who say's I am not a heartless conservative?)

Bread and water costs money, hippie. She can catch rats if she wants to eat.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-04 05:43pm

*tries to ingratiate self*

Would you like a set of china hewn from the bones of the stillborn children of welfare mothers?

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-04-04 05:46pm

Durran Korr wrote:*tries to ingratiate self*

Would you like a set of china hewn from the bones of the stillborn children of welfare mothers?

Only if they weren't aborted.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-04-04 06:48pm

Ah, extreme exaggeration of a political position for humor. Ain't it grand?

On a related note, did anyone see The Daily Show last night?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-04 06:55pm

Andrew J. wrote:Ah, extreme exaggeration of a political position for humor. Ain't it grand?

On a related note, did anyone see The Daily Show last night?

Shut up, you Hitler-loving queer.

Glocksman · Post by **Glocksman** » 2003-04-04 07:19pm

Bread and water costs money, hippie. She can catch rats if she wants to eat.

That's not nice.

I figured at least one of you gentlemen would be glad to provide her with a source of liquid protein.