this one's for hemlock

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-05 12:53am

Calling in Sick....

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out o me from the kitchen.

"Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through he shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find he button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged hem with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-04-05 12:59am

YAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-05 01:02am

Sokar · Post by **Sokar** » 2003-04-05 01:05am

HOLY JESUS Talen , my testicles are somewhere around my kidneys at this point.............oh....the dull ache.......
Does the cat still live?

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-04-05 01:07am

The HemlockGrey curse has struck its first victim

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-05 01:09am

Shinova wrote:The HemlockGrey curse has struck its first victim

Wasn't there someone who had their dog bite their penis before this? It was a Darwin Award Nominee, I believe.

Anyway, it's a funny story.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-05 01:10am

Sokar wrote:
HOLY JESUS Talen , my testicles are somewhere around my kidneys at this point.............oh....the dull ache.......
Does the cat still live?

heh, I got it in email. amusing nontheless.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-04-05 01:26am

If I had a cat and it pulled a stunt like that......my family would suddenly be one cat smaller.

Brother-Captain Gaius · Post by **Brother-Captain Gaius** » 2003-04-05 01:43am

I was going to say we should have a new usergroup entitled "Cat Haters" or somesuch, but since this didn't happen to a board member...oh well, whatever.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-04-05 01:47am

Shudder...why I teach m cats to flee at the sight of water and anyone getting near it.

To avoid such entanglements

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-05 01:50am

my current cat watches me bathe all the time. its odd.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-04-05 01:51am

Enforcer Talen wrote:my current cat watches me bathe all the time. its odd.

Mine does to...but the instant I approach wet...just like the former...flees like the wind.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-04-05 10:11am

My cat and I have gotten over that little incident, although whenever it bites anyone(it's teething, I believe) I take great pleasure in blasting it with the water bottle.

But really, we're great friends.

Really.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-04-05 06:05pm

Ouch. This is why I don't own a cat(Again, I don't have ANY sort of pet, but I digress).

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-05 06:12pm

Hehe. No really though, that sucks.