Something my Mom Sent me

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-07 11:05am

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so
scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart
was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........brought both
paws together.... bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

*barf*

Don't think my mom is going to much care for the revelation that I'm an atheist...

Sir Sirius · Post by **Sir Sirius** » 2003-04-07 11:16am

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

Well I have heard the "Accident of Evolution" strawman before, but crediting Evolution for rivers is a new one for me. Not really surprising though, seeing as fundies seem to belief that ToE covers everything from Big-bang to morality and even claims that there is no god.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-07 11:19am

I've seen that one. Many times over. It started out much, much shorter and gradually, Christians have tacked on all the bits about god appearing and the guy being an atheist to begin with, etc. Basically, it got turned from a joke into an 'object lesson' to atheists.

I've helped many friends get over their religiousness, and let me tell you: the families are the worst counter-pressure. Religion is incredibly comprehensive: families, friends, government, etc. - if you survive guilt and pressure from one group to have religion, there will be five more to take their place.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-07 11:21am

heard that one before. would be amused if I was trying to be converted with it.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-04-07 11:23am

Holy evolving rivers, Batman!

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-07 11:24am

Well, my dad fortunately doesn't give two shits about religion (still not an atheist, though), so he shouldn't care.

I like how God somehow manages to come off as the good guy in this passage; he sends a fucking violent animal to kill someone he doesn't approve of, he refuses to intervene and save him unless he changes his evil ways (I thought God was supposed to Love Everyone), and when the guy refuses to be a hypocrite he still screws him over. What a fucking asshole.

Morat · Post by **Morat** » 2003-04-07 12:00pm

Are you guys sure this is intended to be an object lesson? I just thought it was supposed to be a joke. I got a copy in a humor e-mail list I used to be on.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-04-07 12:09pm

Now for something completely different..... (Okay, it's a religion related story)

A middle-aged guy was going skydiving. About 20 miles up, he asks his instructor, "What happens after I fall?" The instructor replied, "Rip the cord for the parachute". "What if it fails?" "Use the emergency chord" "What if that fails?" "Just for you, I'll give you an extra chord" "What if THAT fails" "If that fails, pray to the Buddha". Perplexed, the man shruggs and jumps. After a certain distance, he rips the parachute chord. Nothing happens. He tries the emergency chord. Nothing. He tries the extra one. Ditto. As the ground rushes toward him he prays. "Oh Buddha, please, please save me save me,"etc. Just as he is about to hit the ground, a giant golden hand reaches down and catches the man. As the saved man is raised towards the plane, he exclaims "Thank God!" At that, the hand turns over and and slams against the ground. The end. (Change Buddha to a different non-Christian deity if you prefer)

Ted C · Post by **Ted C** » 2003-04-07 12:46pm

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

I think the average atheist would accept this series of events as reasonable evidence for the existence of a god if not the Biblical God, so conversion on the spot would actually be pretty logical.

Of course, that never happens, does it?

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

Given the bloodthirsty history of Christianity, why would any rational Atheist make such a request?

It works OK as a joke, but it's ridiculous as a conversion effort.

Sir Sirius · Post by **Sir Sirius** » 2003-04-07 12:55pm

Since Chick trackts are considered to be effective conversion tools ("deliver a powerful salvation massage" - as the site says) by many fundies that really isn't so ridiculous by their standards.

Ofcourse I've yet to seen a christian conversion effort that doesn't look stupid after a thinking about it for a while, but then again I am a heaten, perhaps theistic logic alludes me.

Zoink · Post by **Zoink** » 2003-04-07 01:02pm

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

"Beautiful" and "powerful" are subjective. One could as easily label the forest as ugly, and the river weak. For this statement to have any meaning, she must first show that "accidents" can't be beautiful. I assume this is the same faulty reasoning that leads Christians to label everything good as being a gift from God, and everything bad as accident/free will.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Which only shows the type of mind-set that causes people to believe in God. Personally, if you were to tell me I had 20 seconds to live, I may not be at my most rational state for those remaining seconds.

Time stopped....

This doesn't happen when you say "Oh, God!". This is pure fantasy and devoid of any real insight.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-07 01:12pm

Well, I'm convinced.

Did your Mom mean that as a joke or as something serious?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-04-07 01:15pm

neoolong wrote:Well, I'm convinced.

Did your Mom mean that as a joke or as something serious?

I hope she wasn't being serious. She sends me lots of stuff, so probably not.

Baron Mordo · Post by **Baron Mordo** » 2003-04-07 01:58pm

The man was an idiot for running uphill anyway. Everybody knows you run downhill or play dead to avoid bear attacks.

Cyborg Stan · Post by **Cyborg Stan** » 2003-04-07 03:00pm

It would make much more sense if the atheist realized he should've brought a gun and ended up joining the NRA in the end. Weapon >> Prayer IMHO.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-07 03:34pm

A person travelling alone in bear country unarmed is evolution in action.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-07 06:18pm

So, your mom doesn't know you're an atheist? Try telling her and see what happens.

Trytostaydead · Post by **Trytostaydead** » 2003-04-07 06:30pm

Well, it's a cute.. lol.

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2003-04-07 07:35pm

DPDarkPrimus wrote:A person travelling alone in bear country unarmed is evolution in action.

Now THAT is a good one...

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-08 01:04am

EmperorMing wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:A person travelling alone in bear country unarmed is evolution in action.
Now THAT is a good one...

I was surprised it hadn't already been said.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-04-09 01:16pm

What would this story have been like if the atheist in question happened to be a Raëlian?

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-09 05:15pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:What would this story have been like if the atheist in question happened to be a Raëlian?

It would be impossible for an atheist to be a Raelian, since it is a religion.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-09 05:18pm

DPDarkPrimus wrote:
Simon H.Johansen wrote:What would this story have been like if the atheist in question happened to be a Raëlian?
It would be impossible for an atheist to be a Raelian, since it is a religion.

Hopefully he meant instead of the atheist it is a Raelian.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-04-09 05:30pm

I love the fact that this kind of stuff is meant to "proove" god to unbelievers. What idiots.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-04-09 09:36pm

Durran Korr wrote:An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so
scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart
was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........brought both
paws together.... bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

*barf*

Don't think my mom is going to much care for the revelation that I'm an atheist...

Well it's obvious that the flight reaction didn't work for this guy, too bad evolution didn't give him much in the way of adrenal glands.

Is a bear really fast enough to catch a human in a dead run? Or was this idiot tripping over every available rock and tree?

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