The Kids Are All Right

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2003-04-11 11:17pm

By and large, my dealings with the masses feel more like a trip to the zoo than anything else. Still, once in a while I overhear something good. Today I overheard a mother talking to her son, who was maybe eight years old. He had apparently done something to piss her off, though I missed exactly what. As best as I can remember, the conversation went like this...

Mom: You can't do that, God will punish you.
Son: No he won't.
Mom: Yes he will.
Son: What will he do, make me trip and fall?
Mom: Yes, and he'll make you sick.
Son: (In a "you idiot" voice) No he won't.
Mom: Yes, he will.
Son: I don't feel sick.
Mom: He can do it.
Son: (looks up at ceiling) Come on God, make me sick!
Mom: Stop that!
Son: Do it God! Make me sick!
Mom: That's rude!
Son: No it isn't. I feel okay.

It was completely clear from the kid's tone and words that he held this whole "god" thing as being a heap of shit, and I swear he was nine at the oldest. I was literally biting the tip of my tongue to keep from bursting out in laughter, and I felt a serious urge to run over and give the kid encouragement right there in front of his parents. Watching the brainwashing bounce off him harmlessly left me with a smile on my face for the next twenty minutes.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-12 12:02am

Sometimes, the kids of fundie parents may do stuff like that, and ask a lot of questions, like when they tell their parents "What if the Bible isn't true?". However, the tone he took suprised me.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2003-04-12 05:22am

That is a classic story.

Anyone have anything comparable?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-12 05:25am

Funny. Though even though it's good that the kid isn't getting brainwashed, he may turn out to be a real prick.

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-04-12 05:51am

Nice to see kids thinking for themselves a little. Unless he was just being a petulant little bastard...

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-04-12 03:21pm

Lovely......

paladin · Post by **paladin** » 2003-04-12 04:26pm

My Mom never used the "God will punish you" ploy. She always said "if you misbehave, I'll PUNISH you." When she said that, my brothers and myself knew she wasn't kidding around.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-04-12 04:29pm

paladin wrote:My Mom never used the "God will punish you" ploy. She always said "if you misbehave, I'll PUNISH you." When she said that, my brothers and myself knew she wasn't kidding around.

See that works. Because you'll actually get punished. Rather than appealing to some sky fairy doing it.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-12 06:17pm

My mother went through a semi-fundie state when she started volunteering as a CCD teacher in our town parish. I remember vividly one afternoon, I was reading through the teacher's manual that she used, and something strange hit me. One of the paragraphs in the chapters was talking about Sodom and Gamorrah, and how they did bad things that were against God's word, and God smote them all. At the end of the chapter, a review question referred back to this paragraph and asked the students to think of cultures that were really bad and that might someday be punished by God. Naturally I found this hilarious and asked my mom to sit in on the class. She let me, and I sat in the corner and sneered as a handful of 12-year olds ate this kind of crap up by the armful.

Anyway, mom asks the review question I had read earlier in the car, and I licked my lips in anticipation. A couple of kids raised their hands, and gave their answers. "Aren't the Russians all commies?"
Mom: "Yes, Jimmy, very good."
Sally: "My daddy keeps saying things about the dirty Canadians."
Mom: "That's a good one."
Tommy: "People with those funny white towels on their heads are bad. They smell funny."
Mom: "Good work, everyone."

I was ready to slap her senseless. All of them. I wished God had sent a fireball down from the Heavens and turned all of them into pillars of salt. I scoweled and bit my lip, though. Mom would get a tongue-lashing later, I vowed. One that she would not soon forget. We were walking toward the car afterwards, my fists balled in my pockets, my teeth firmly clenched around my tongue, when all of a sudden the clouds opened up and God said, "Take this, Nazi fundie beeyoch!" And lo, the sun wast blocked by the wings of a great albatross, and darkness didst befall mine mother. With a great shriek, the bird didst drop God's own revenge upon mine mother's head.

"Ha ha," I said with a dead straight face. "God hates you."

I put on my headphones and got in the car.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-12 06:24pm

If this kid is rebelling against his mother's indoctrination, that may look good now, but a lifetime of indoctrination can have a powerful influence. When he's older, and he runs into a bad patch in life, guess where he'll turn. Proselytizers thrive on misery.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-04-12 06:52pm

Queeb Salaron wrote:My mother went through a semi-fundie state when she started volunteering as a CCD teacher in our town parish. I remember vividly one afternoon, I was reading through the teacher's manual that she used, and something strange hit me. One of the paragraphs in the chapters was talking about Sodom and Gamorrah, and how they did bad things that were against God's word, and God smote them all. At the end of the chapter, a review question referred back to this paragraph and asked the students to think of cultures that were really bad and that might someday be punished by God. Naturally I found this hilarious and asked my mom to sit in on the class. She let me, and I sat in the corner and sneered as a handful of 12-year olds ate this kind of crap up by the armful.

Anyway, mom asks the review question I had read earlier in the car, and I licked my lips in anticipation. A couple of kids raised their hands, and gave their answers. "Aren't the Russians all commies?"
Mom: "Yes, Jimmy, very good."
Sally: "My daddy keeps saying things about the dirty Canadians."
Mom: "That's a good one."
Tommy: "People with those funny white towels on their heads are bad. They smell funny."
Mom: "Good work, everyone."

I was ready to slap her senseless. All of them. I wished God had sent a fireball down from the Heavens and turned all of them into pillars of salt. I scoweled and bit my lip, though. Mom would get a tongue-lashing later, I vowed. One that she would not soon forget. We were walking toward the car afterwards, my fists balled in my pockets, my teeth firmly clenched around my tongue, when all of a sudden the clouds opened up and God said, "Take this, Nazi fundie beeyoch!" And lo, the sun wast blocked by the wings of a great albatross, and darkness didst befall mine mother. With a great shriek, the bird didst drop God's own revenge upon mine mother's head.

"Ha ha," I said with a dead straight face. "God hates you."

I put on my headphones and got in the car.

That's pretty fucking funny.

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-04-12 06:54pm

The only thing I can think of was the time a friend of mine replied to a salvation salesman like so: "If God wants me to believe in Him, He'll get me laid at least five times a week. If He can't accomplish this simple task, then what kind of God is He?"

The guy gave up then and turned to me, but I had no cleverness and I just interrupted his first sentence with: "Sorry, it's not going to happen, friend."

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-04-12 07:08pm

Pablo Sanchez wrote:The only thing I can think of was the time a friend of mine replied to a salvation salesman like so: "If God wants me to believe in Him, He'll get me laid at least five times a week. If He can't accomplish this simple task, then what kind of God is He?"

The guy gave up then and turned to me, but I had no cleverness and I just interrupted his first sentence with: "Sorry, it's not going to happen, friend."

That reminds me of a conversation I had with a fundie (the one who's a vegan and criticized me for giving beef and chicken to my dog because she thinks dogs should be vegans too).

FUNDIE: GOD is speaking to you.

ME: How? I don't hear anything.

FUNDIE: GOD speaks to you in your heart.

ME: Doesn't he know how to use the phone? It would be a lot clearer.

FUNDIE: That's not how he speaks to us.

ME: Are you saying he can't use a phone? What kind of omnipotent God can't operate a telephone?

FUNDIE: You don't understand.

ME: Next time you talk to GOD, tell him to start using telephones. It's a much better technology than that burning bush thing.

FUNDIE: I can see you're not taking me seriously.

ME (rolling my eyes): Wow, you're quick ...

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-04-12 07:16pm

HOMER: Dear Lord, if you accept my offering a milk and cookies, give me no sign.
[Nothing happens]
HOMER: Dear Lord, if you want me to eat these cookies and drink this milk for you, give me no sign.
[Nothing happens]
HOMER: Thy will be done.
[Begins eating]

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-12 07:51pm

SAAAAVE MEEEEE JEEEEBUUUUUSSSS!!!

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2003-04-12 09:28pm

The kid's dad was right there and he wasn't saying shit, so I have a gut feeling that he may not be the same as her.

Morat · Post by **Morat** » 2003-04-12 11:46pm

The kid's dad was right there and he wasn't saying shit, so I have a gut feeling that he may not be the same as her.

Either way, the mother was probably doing more to turn the kid into an atheist than anything.

After all, if she keeps saying "God will punish you" and nothing ever happens, the kid will eventually realise that there's something wrong with that line of thinking.