Encounter with a Fundie

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-13 11:27pm

So I visited the girlfriend today. She's a good little Catholic girl and goes to a good Catholic school. Naturally, being in the presence of so many religious-minded people grates a bit on the nerves, but I endure it about once a week to go visit her, anyway. Yes, the sex is that good. But I digress.

So I was walking from her dorm with a great big shit-eating grin on my face that always follows a good blowjob, when I come upon a man in his late forties or early fifties wearing a sandwich board and handing out fliers. I thought to myself for a minute, trying to decide what this man might be peddling. Let's see... older, emaciated man, salt-and-pepper hair, sandwich board, pink-and-yellow pamphlets, Catholic school... hmm... Putting two and two together had never been easier. I started drooling in anticipation of the severe lashing that I was going to give this poor bastard.

"Hello, brother! Have YOU found JESUS?" he asked. He was perfectly polite about it, regardless of how intrusive his question was.

"Hello to you, too, brother! Isn't it a fine day?"
"Why yes, my friend. A glorious day in the graces of God our Savior!"
"Indeed it is."
"Did you know that Jesus Christ Almighty died for you, so that you might enjoy this wonderful day today?"
"Did he now?"
"Yes, he did. He died for your sins!"
"MY sins? Well isn't that something!"
"Yes, brother. It most certainly IS something!"
"How did he know I was going to sin?"
"Come again?"
"Why did Jesus just assume that I was going to sin?"
"Everybody sins, brother. We were born in sin."
"Is crying a sin?"
"Well... no."
"Because that's the first thing I did when I was a baby. I cried. That must have been my sin, right? If I were born in sin?"
"The bible tells us..."
"Oh, brother, I know what the bible tells us. It tells us that we still suffer from the sins of Adam and Eve, and that we must be baptized to cleanse that sin away."
"You are familiar with the Word of God, then?"
"I would say so, yes."
"An admirable man."
"Thank you, brother. But I have a question."
"Of course."
"How do we repent for the sins of all the other Christians?"
"How is that?"
"The Crusades, for instance. Genocide and Ethnic Cleansing in the name of God. Is that not worse than eating an apple?"
"Well, eating the apple was against God's will. The Crusades were done FOR God."
"Ah, I see. So we should blindly follow what God tells us, heedless of the morality behind it?"
"God's choices are always morally right."
"Always?"
"Yes."
"Even in the case of the Crusades?"
"Yes, brother."
"Does the bible not tell us that any man who takes another man's life shall be put to death himself?"
"Well..."
"And does it not condemn all murderers to the deepest depths of the Lake of Fire?"
"Well, yes..."
"Then there are a whole lot of fine Christians who acted out the will of God, but nonetheless are burning for all eternity?"
"I suppose, but..."
"Then why do we not pray to absolve ourselves of the sins of all of those who have offended humanity in the name of God?"
"Well, we are baptized, and then make communion, and then are confirmed. Each of those three events were designed to wash our sins away."
"Ah. So the Crusades is lumped in there somewhere?"
"You could say that, yes."
"And child molestation?"
"You mean by the priests?"
"Of course."
"That was not done in the name of God, brother. Those men were corrupt."
"As were the men that made it mandatory for ordinary citizens to pay a tenth of their income to the Church."
"That was called a tithe."
"I am well aware of that."
"That was not considered illegal."
"But it was condemned by Vatican II. They said that it should never have existed in the first place."
"All of these offenses that you have listed, the Crusades and the tithes, they are both buried deep in the past. Why do you dwell on them so?"
"Perhaps for the same reasons that Christians dwell on the sins of Adam and Eve."
"The sins of Adam and Eve affected all of mankind."
"And the slaughter of a million Muslims did not?"
"Not so much, no."
"So if a sect of Christianity decided to up and kill the rest of the Christians for being heretics, and claimed to do so in the name of God, they would be justified?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because God does not tell people to kill others. The Ten Commandments..."
"The Ten Commandments failed to stop the Crusades."
"That was different."
"How?"
"The Muslims defile the name of God. They would not convert, and could not be saved."
"So the Christians killed them to prove that Muslims were wrong?"
"War was waged to force the Will of God upon a race so that they could be saved."
"But as for the millions that died, they were all sent to Hell for being heretics."
"I suppose, yes."
"And the Crusaders knew this?"
"One should think so. That's why they were fighting."
"So they intentionally sent the heretics to Hell."
"Yes."
"Isn't that a bit sadistic?"
"Come again?"
"Sending people to Hell on purpose. Isn't that a bit sadistic?"
"It was righteous."
"Because Muslims were clogging up the world with their heretic beliefs?"
"As they do even today."
"So Muslims should be erradicated?"
"Yes. Or converted. Preferably converted."
"Because they don't believe in God."
"Yes."
"And because their religion is in violation of some unspoken code of humanity."
"Exactly."
"That's very Satanistic."
"How so?"
"Anton Szandor Lavey wrote that Satanism was founded on the principle that if a man offends you, you should ask him to stop. If he does not stop, you should destroy him. That principle among others."
"Lavey was an evil person."
"The Christians have done more evil deeds than Satanists."
"Satanists sacrifice children."
"Oh do they? Funny, I am a former Satanist, and I don't recall ever killing a child. Or anything else, for that matter."
"It is a well-known fact that Satanists sacrifice live beings, both human and animal, to Satan Lucifer, the fallen angel."
"Oh, I see. You know, that's kind of funny."
"It's terrible that you can say that."
"No, I mean it's funny that you believe in Satan as a deity."
"Why?"
"Because not even the Satanists believe he is real. Lavey wrote that himself."
"Why do you refer to Lavey so often?"
"He is the founder of Satanism. Despite popular belief, what is commonly known as Satanism was started in the 1960's. It draws on ancient pagan rites, but the belief system in general is relatively modern."
"You're telling me that Satan didn't exist prior to 1960?"
"No, of course not. What I am saying, though, is that Christians made him up. Satanists believe that it is good to give into basic human desires. Christians just gave the collection of these desires a personified name. Satanists just adopted it."
"So without Christians..."
"There would be no Satanists. Bingo."
"Whatever you call it, Satan, desire, whatever, it is still evil. Succumbing to these temptations only leads you to the path of darkness."
"Like Adam and Eve."
"Yes, like Adam and Eve."
"And yet, because of their desire to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Adam and Eve spawned an entire race of humans."
"I miss the connection."
"Adam and Eve were never married. At least, never in Genesis does it say they were married. Essentially, they had sex out of wedlock, then. Which means Cain and Abel were fathered illigitimately. Which means that the entire human race is based on hedonistic sex."
"But..."
"Furthermore, Adam and Eve presumably knew the difference between good and evil, right? Considering they ate the apple and all?"
"Well, yes..."
"So they must have known that sex was bad, right? That it was a hedonistic temptation of the flesh and should be discarded?"
"They may have known..."
"Then if they knew that it was bad, and they feared God punishing them again, why did they have sex?"
"Well..."
"I'll tell you why. Because sex ISN'T bad. The apple gave them the knowledge that sex was in the GOOD part of 'Knowledge of Good and Evil.'"
"That's unfounded."
"How old is the earth?"
"About 6000 years old."
"You got that from adding up the lifespans of people in the bible?"
"Yes."
"Literally?"
"The Word of God contains no lie."
"Then explain dinosaur fossils to me."
"Um... Science fails to explain much of the things in the bible. We as a race have not yet developed the level of intelligence needed to understand certain things like Jesus's miracles."
"I think you've got it backwards. I think that the bible fails to explain the laws that science has proven to exist."

At this point, a Boston College police officer came and broke up the conversation, as we had drawn quite a crowd. The man with the sandwich board was ushered into a cruiser and hauled away, amidst a round of applause from the crowd. Someone handed me a 6-pack and said "thank you!"

Yeah, it was a good day.

Sektor31 · Post by **Sektor31** » 2003-04-13 11:39pm

Haha, if this truly DID happen kudos to you!

That's one preacher out of the way.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-13 11:53pm

Sektor31 wrote:Haha, if this truly DID happen kudos to you!

That's one preacher out of the way.

Verbatim from the tape-recorder. Which is another story inandof itself. One of those perfect coincedences. Here, I'll explain it a bit.

The gf borrowed a tape recorder from me for a project she had to do for her french class. She'd had it for months, and today she told me to take it when I left because it was taking up room on her desk. So I threw it in my pocket on my way out, and noticed the tape inside. Rewound it when I saw the guy with the sandwich board. Hit record when I got close.

...Almost proof that there is a God...

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-04-14 12:26am

lmao, you are the MAN!

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-04-14 12:43am

excellent work. PM me you could be of some use.

TheBlackDeath · Post by **TheBlackDeath** » 2003-04-14 12:45am

wow... TOTAL FUCKING OWNAGE

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-04-14 12:48am

Hooray! Logic conquers all!

It's damn creepy to know that Spooky Christians like that are out there. Makes me want to cower in hide, almost.

"I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do believe in spooks..."

Icehawk · Post by **Icehawk** » 2003-04-14 12:48am

Great job layin the old smack down. Another one bites the dust!

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-04-14 12:58am

Queeb Salaron wrote: The gf borrowed a tape recorder from me for a project she had to do for her french class. She'd had it for months, and today she told me to take it when I left because it was taking up room on her desk. So I threw it in my pocket on my way out, and noticed the tape inside. Rewound it when I saw the guy with the sandwich board. Hit record when I got close.

Now that's just awesome.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-04-14 01:35am

I certainly hope you've kept that tape, and plan to record it to digital media or something and upload it to some website, right?

Alferd Packer · Post by **Alferd Packer** » 2003-04-14 02:41am

That was beautiful. I would very much to hear this tape, if you can get it on your computer without much difficulty.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-04-14 03:26am

Few things are more enjoyable than humiliating an irrational person in front of others.

Stuart Mackey · Post by **Stuart Mackey** » 2003-04-14 04:22am

Queeb, I am sending this to Dalton, this needsto be FUQed

Companion Cube · Post by **Companion Cube** » 2003-04-14 07:15am

Good work there...

Ravencrow · Post by **Ravencrow** » 2003-04-14 07:43am

Woe is the fundie who encounters thee, mate.

Post by **haas mark** » 2003-04-14 08:01am

'Tis funny. Almost had a similar encounter with a fundie Catholic the other day at the bus station. Took all I had to not say anything about being gay, pagan, etc.. Woulda missed my last bus home if I did, lol.

Majin Gojira · Post by **Majin Gojira** » 2003-04-14 08:57am

Man, that was AWESOME! I needed a good laugh today.

Darth Gojira · Post by **Darth Gojira** » 2003-04-14 10:31am

VERY nice! Took a while. but your victory was covered all bases. Impressive, most impressive!

Arrow · Post by **Arrow** » 2003-04-14 01:07pm

Excellent!

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-04-14 01:24pm

Great work! Perhaps you should have another debate with someone else.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-14 03:15pm

Slartibartfast wrote:I certainly hope you've kept that tape, and plan to record it to digital media or something and upload it to some website, right?

I've kept the tape, yes. But aparently the audio dept. in my computer went on strike. I'm launching an jihad against it in hopes of resolving the conflict, and as soon as that is done, the media shall be made available to all.

Death from the Sea · Post by **Death from the Sea** » 2003-04-14 03:24pm

"Well, eating the apple was against God's will. The Crusades were done FOR God."

His big mistake here is not differentiating between God's will and things men do that they think God wants done or is his will. They are not the same thing.

That guy was just trying to fill some pews and thereby fill his collection plate.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-14 03:30pm

Death from the Sea wrote:
"Well, eating the apple was against God's will. The Crusades were done FOR God."
His big mistake here is not differentiating between God's will and things men do that they think God wants done or is his will. They are not the same thing.

That guy was just trying to fill some pews and thereby fill his collection plate.

You and I both know that. But the fundies don't. This guy went so far as to claim that everything the Church has ever done has been morally upright, every word in the Bible is to be interpreted literally, and every action that the vengeful Old Testament God ever made against mankind was justified and humane.

Ah, what fools these fundies be...
--Puck, from Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2003-04-14 03:43pm

Stuart Mackey wrote:Queeb, I am sending this to Dalton, this needsto be FUQed

At the expense of sounding like a n00b, what does FUQ mean?

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-04-14 03:56pm

Queeb Salaron wrote:
Stuart Mackey wrote:Queeb, I am sending this to Dalton, this needsto be FUQed
At the expense of sounding like a n00b, what does FUQ mean?

It means your post will be archived on my website permanently as an example of either humor, cleverness or wit. Good show!