Arranged Marriages

[Mr Flibble]

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight, and she told me her intention of having an arranged marriage. Now this really grates at me because I was brought up with the belief that marriage should be for love, and only for love, and that if you don't love someone then you sure as hell shouldn't be marrying them. I tend to think of it as an archaic practice. My friend however is of the view that she will be able to find love after getting married (which is odd because she recently had a failed relationship, which failed because she was unable to love the guy, you'd think that would send warning signs, but no.) Of course part of her reason for wanting an arranged marriage is to avoid upsetting/annoying her family (she is indian). I find the idea of her doing this very hard to accept, although I have to admit that some of that is because I have feelings for her.

So what I ask is, what are your views on the morality of arranged marriages? Is it like I feel (not necessarily objectively) an archaic practice whuch should be abandoned in favour marriage for love? Or do you think that I am looking at it through a western viewpoint and ignoring the realities and views of other cultures?

[neoolong]

It is rather archaic. While it is true that some arranged marriage do work, it is still a bad system for someone to be trying to find love in. Is it moral? Not really. But in your case with willing participants, at least for the most parts it really isn't immoral, since she, and let's say the guy as well for argument's sake, are both willing participants. But if forced, I would say it isn't moral.

And just because I'm looking at it from a "Western" viewpoint, of course my ethnicity had its own history of arranged marriage, I think it causes more problems than benefits and should be abandoned.

But that's just me.

[Ted C]

I'd say the morality of the practice depends on the willingness of the participants and the amount of difficulty involved in getting out of such a marriage if it's clearly failing.

Arranged marriages were standard almost everywhere for centuries, and they are still the norm in some parts of the world. I don't see that there's anything basically wrong with the concept. Marrying "for love" certainly hasn't resulted in a miniscule divorce rate here in the US. I don't know what adultery rates look like if you compare places where arranged marriages are the norm to places where they're the exception, but I'd be willing to bet there's not a huge differences.

You're just reacting against the idea because it's abnormal for you. She obviously doesn't have the same misgivings.

[neoolong]

You might also want to look at the punishments involved in breaking an arranged marriage through adultery or such things.

[Mr Flibble]

You might also want to look at the punishments involved in breaking an arranged marriage through adultery or such things.

That is one of the things I am concerned about with my friend. I know that if she wasn't happy with the marriage for whatever reason, she would stay in it, because she does not want to upset her parents. What really bugs me about it is that her willingness for it is not because she thinks she will stand a good chance of being happy, it is because she feels that marrying for love will upset her parents, and she doesn't want to do that (understandably) and I think that kind of pressure from family is immoral. Especially as her parents did marry for love, which makes them hypocrits.

[LadyTevar]

From my own experience, Westerners tend to believe you marry for love and live happily ever after. At least, that's what I and several friends thought would happen. Funny, all of us are divorced now.

I think in an arranged marriage there would be more of a push to make things work. Instead of expecting Love to take care of everything, couples have to learn to accept each other's habits and quirks in the interest of peaceful living.

After all, they can't look at each other and say "if you loved me you would...".

[GrandMasterTerwynn]

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with the concept of arranged marriages. If arranged properly, you can end up with a partnership between two people who can at least tolerate each other, and the marriage can remain stable for a very long time.

Marrying 'for love,' on the other hand, tends to be a bit more of a crapshoot. Love tends to be a fickle thing, and it's not always easy to tell whether it's real love, or just hormones or greed masquerading as love.

So, indeed it is possible for marriages based on love to work out well. However, it's also just as possible for them to end in a spectacular fashion. (In the United States, where the vast majority of marriages are love-based, the divorce rate is roughly fifty percent.) Just as it is possible for arranged marriages to end up poorly.

Arranged marriages may seem repugnant to some, but love-based ones aren't always so rosy either. So when compared in that light, there's absolutely nothing wrong with arranged marriages.

[Stravo]

My initial reposnse is "OH God, NO." The thought of my parents picking someone for me horrifies me UNTIL I start thinking back and listening to what my mom used to tell me whenever I brought a woman home.

She was 100% on calling the losers of teh bunch and right on with choosing the good ones that I let get away. Your parents are NOT stupid. They have lived longer than you have and have some clue as to what usually makes a good marriage and tehy know you better than you know yourself (usually) so when you really think about it, they are immenently qualified in picking a spouse for you because they have only your best interests at heart in such a scneario. (I'm avoiding the spectre of arranged marriage for political or economic gain)

Now I read somewhere that there was a grwoing movement among westrenized Indian women to have their parents arrange their marriages for them because of their own failed attemptes at finding mates.

Is it really that bad if entered into of your own free will?

[SAMAS]

If both parties involved enter it of their own free will, and have similar ideas and/pr expectations(or discuss them and come to an understanding), then an arranged marriage should be okay.

In fact, I would go as far as saying all marriages should be arranged. At least by the couple getting married. All parties involved should work out at least some details before going through it.

[Mr Flibble]

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with the concept of arranged marriages. If arranged properly, you can end up with a partnership between two people who can at least tolerate each other, and the marriage can remain stable for a very long time.

To that it would say if they don't love each other, only tolerate, what is the point in them being married, they may as well be friends. I hoinestly find it hard to see any reason for 'marriage' to exist other than a bond between two people who love each other. If there is no love then why does there need to be a stable marriage. To the arguement about having more stable marriages, I ask the question how much of that is caused by fear of being ostracized by family if the marriage collapse. On free will I find it hard to consider it 'free will' when the families of the people involved are puting large amounts of emotional pressure for an arranged marriage, which seems to be the case with my friend, and from what Igather from talking with her and other friends, is the case with most indian families.

She was 100% on calling the losers of teh bunch and right on with choosing the good ones that I let get away. Your parents are NOT stupid. They have lived longer than you have and have some clue as to what usually makes a good marriage and tehy know you better than you know yourself (usually) so when you really think about it, they are immenently qualified in picking a spouse for you because they have only your best interests at heart in such a scneario. (I'm avoiding the spectre of arranged marriage for political or economic gain)

The trouble is there are some issues important to marriage (well I believe, not having been married I am not exactly an authority) parents aren't likely ton know about, especially in a situation like my friend's. The main one I am thinking of is sexual compatability, which is a factor in a stable marriage. How many parents are going to know about the sexual interests/needs of the children? Especially in a sexually repressed family like that of my friend (they would disown her if they knew half what she gets up to here).

I would have less of a problem with arranged marriages if I believed they were truely entered into of free will, but with families that it is very hard to judge whether it is really of "free will" and not due to what is close to emotional blackmail.

[Darth Wong]

From my own experience, Westerners tend to believe you marry for love and live happily ever after. At least, that's what I and several friends thought would happen. Funny, all of us are divorced now.

More than 10 years for me so far, and I still love my wife dearly. Of course, it helps that she's the perfect wife , but if people want to make things work, they will make things work.

I think in an arranged marriage there would be more of a push to make things work. Instead of expecting Love to take care of everything, couples have to learn to accept each other's habits and quirks in the interest of peaceful living.

That push, however, comes from outside, and persists even if the husband is abusive. A lot of old-world arranged marriages are abusive, and the woman simply cannot leave because of the family's pressure and various non-relationship motives for keeping it together, forcibly if necessary. This is not acceptable.

After all, they can't look at each other and say "if you loved me you would...".

No, but the man can look at his wife and say "do what I say, foolish woman." And she can't say "fuck you, I'm leaving".

[UltraViolence83]

i wouldn't mind being in an arranger marriage at all. So much more poontang than the amount I get already (Hint: NONE).



It IS a little archaic, especially for Westerners. Back when the family was a successful economic unit and was much more important than it is now, it worked out. Now with everyone searching for "independance" it would seem pretty dated and of non-libertarian origin.

But if both participants are willing, what's the problem?

[InnerBrat]

OK, just because cultures we associate with arrnaged marriages today are also cultures we associate with misogyny, doens't necessarily mean the system of aranged marriages itself is wrong.

Personally, I don't believe you should marry just for love, and I think if you look at it rationally, you'll see that successful marriages are based on hard work on both sides, conpromise abnd friendship more than gut emotions.

I was taling to a friend of a friend the other day, who comes from a rather small religion - can't remember the name, but it's a hybrid of Hinduism and Buddhism - in which arraneged marriages were commonplace.
She described it as a kind of dating service, and the only way to meet someone of the same culture. The parents would put her name out, then potential husbands would come to meet her, take her out on a couple of dates etc to see if they liked each other, then marry if they wanted to.

This is instead of letting your hormones commit your life away.

I also think that arranged marriages can only be really fair if in a society that allows divorce if it doesn't work out.

[SyntaxVorlon]

From my own experience, Westerners tend to believe you marry for love and live happily ever after. At least, that's what I and several friends thought would happen. Funny, all of us are divorced now.

It wasn't too long ago that divorce was not a societal option for most women. Indeed, it wasn't too long ago that it was legally possible for a wife to be raped by her husband. The fact that domestic issues and violence are given a lot more time in crime fighting has made it possible for a lot of abused and battered women to escape from bad relationships. The Nuclear Family hasn't decayed, it has been given a reality check.

Arranged marriage is a feudal political tool, it allows a nation to become allied with another, with a modicum of diplomatic quibbling.

[Darth Wong]

I was taling to a friend of a friend the other day, who comes from a rather small religion - can't remember the name, but it's a hybrid of Hinduism and Buddhism - in which arraneged marriages were commonplace.

She described it as a kind of dating service, and the only way to meet someone of the same culture. The parents would put her name out, then potential husbands would come to meet her, take her out on a couple of dates etc to see if they liked each other, then marry if they wanted to.

The fact that they're still allowed to choose means that it's not an arranged marriage.

This is instead of letting your hormones commit your life away.

If someone has poor judgement, that's his or her problem. But arranged marriages don't eliminate poor judgement; they merely allow the poor judges to be the parents instead of the people themselves. And given that people nowadays marry in their late 20s on average, it's not like a bunch of horny stupid 14 year olds running around, as it might have been in the days of arranged marriages.

I also think that arranged marriages can only be really fair if in a society that allows divorce if it doesn't work out.

Agreed.