Boy-related: Gah! SO CONFUSED!!!!!!

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 12:36pm

Ok, so, there's this guy that I've recently fallen in love with who I've only gotten to know over the past couple months. He takes me out on pseudo-dates but he hasn't kissed me and we haven't discussed dating, so we're not dating. We're 'friends.' I guess. Anyway, sometimes he acts like we're together (doing things like rubbing my back and playing with my hair while he's talking to me, in public or when it's just the two of us), and he says sweet things and is kind, thoughtful, etc...and we're so similar that it's almost like he's the male version of me. He's referred to us as "Frick & Frack," because, well...yeah. There's just so much of me that's the same or that identifies with him, it scares me how alike we are.

The problem is, sometimes he stops doing that stuff like he's thinking "Oh my gosh, what was I doing? She might think I like her or something!" and then he switches to 'buddy-mode' and I feel like I've been gipped. Why would he play with my hair one minute, and then--gah. I don't know. And as far as I know, he's not gay. He....I......argh. Why?

I know the only way to really know is to talk with him about it, but I'm so scared to do that. I'm so afraid this isn't what I hope it is...you know?

I'm so frustrated right now, I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!!

Sorry, just needed to vent. If you have any insights, PLEASE clue me in.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-17 12:46pm

Unfortunately, you have to talk to him. Guys are like hamsters. They can be cute, but mostly they are messy and neurotic and if they ever get it into their limited-scope minds that they ARE in a cage, they will bolt like hell and run under the fridge and you will never see them again.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-17 12:48pm

Although on a higher note, the majority of guys I ever knew were supremely obvious in their affections. I would tend to assume that a guy who isn't obviously interested either isn't, or is but hasn't really stopped to think about why they enjoy you or your company so much.

If you're really against having a conversation, which I know can make some people feel odd and uncomfortable, why don't you wait for a 'good' moment and try kissing him. Say, on the cheek. See what he does.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2003-04-17 12:51pm

Confussion is the problem on both sides, I think. He does seem to like you but is worried about either fucking up your friendship and being rejected on a higher level.

Solution, if you want to explore a relationship with him, wait until the next time he rubs you or plays with your hair. When he stops, just say "You know you can keep doing that.

" Guys need encouragement when they are putting on the 'move'. Once he knows you want to proceed, its on girl...

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-04-17 12:54pm

Well, this *is* curious. Uusally it's girls who do this to guys, in my experience.

Why don't you just kiss him or something? (says the 21 year old romantic invalid)

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-17 12:56pm

Vympel wrote:Well, this *is* curious. Uusally it's girls who do this to guys, in my experience.

Why don't you just kiss him or something? (says the 21 year old romantic invalid)

Don't feel bad! The seriously-older-than-that romantic, yet somehow married, invalid more or less agrees with you.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 12:57pm

It would take every ounce of strength in me to kiss him, even if only on the cheek, because I'm terrified of the same rejection that I think he might have... Le sigh.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2003-04-17 12:59pm

Zaia wrote:It would take every ounce of strength in me to kiss him, even if only on the cheek, because I'm terrified of the same rejection that I think he might have... Le sigh.

Ya don't have to be overt, just encourage his clumsy advances until he knows he can advance.

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-04-17 01:03pm

Zaia wrote:It would take every ounce of strength in me to kiss him, even if only on the cheek, because I'm terrified of the same rejection that I think he might have... Le sigh.

Hey, sounds exactly like me! (the would take gargantuan amounts of strength to overcome fear of rejection).

Go with Knife's idea, that sounds good.

Don't feel bad! The seriously-older-than-that romantic, yet somehow married, invalid more or less agrees with you

I'm sure I'll meet someone special who feels the same way about me eventually

(maybe

)

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2003-04-17 01:12pm

Yes, you definitely ought to encourage him. Give him some sign that you enjoy that stuff and don't like it when he stops. Work out various different signs and try them out, gauging his reaction to them. If one of them doesn't work, try something a bit stronger. And work on your confidence so that you will be able to make stronger moves when you need to. Run through different scenarios in your mind, get used to them. Practice talking to him about these things. And stay relaxed while you're doing it; stress isn't going to help.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-17 01:12pm

Zaia wrote:It would take every ounce of strength in me to kiss him, even if only on the cheek, because I'm terrified of the same rejection that I think he might have... Le sigh.

Heh...if I tallied up all the awkward moments I ever had...well, at least you have options, what?

Vympel wrote:I'm sure I'll meet someone special who feels the same way about me eventually

It's good to hope so. Although I will tell you this: Any time I've ever failed to take a chance I've always ended up with nothing (nothing ventured, nothing gained). And the times I did take a chance are pretty much fifty-fifty in terms of leading anywhere, even when pure random clumsiness is leading the way.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-17 01:18pm

This'll be Brian, would it?

OK, this is what you do, sweetie: You ask him straight-out-there's-no-way -he-can-avoid-the-question What the hell is going on? as some guys just can't seem to be able to ask a girl out - they just assume the girl knows that she's dating him.
Or, get a mutual friend to ask him.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2003-04-17 01:22pm

Zaia, i'm going to have to agree with Vympel on this. Kiss him. it is the fastest and least painfull way to get your feelings across, that way you don't have to worry about fumbling awkwardly over words. Look him straight in the eye and then kiss him.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 01:32pm

innerbrat wrote:This'll be Brian, would it?

Yes, this is Brian.

OK, this is what you do, sweetie: You ask him straight-out-there's-no-way -he-can-avoid-the-question What the hell is going on? as some guys just can't seem to be able to ask a girl out - they just assume the girl knows that she's dating him.
Or, get a mutual friend to ask him.

Don't want to go the mutual friend route, although it'd be a hell of a lot easier. I'm afraid that if I come out and say, "Errr, what the hell's going on?" he's going to backtrack and be like, "Uhh, ermm, nothing, why?" because I'll scare him off. He's just as insecure as I am, so I don't want to frighten him.

At the same time, I don't want to kiss him and have him pull away from me in disgust, which is what I'm afraid (rationally or irrationally) will happen.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-04-17 01:38pm

If you're shy about kissing him, here's a good scenario:

Next time he finishes with your back rub, just turn and give him a little peck on the cheek and say "Thank you, that really feels good when you do it."

Nothing too overt, but it opens the way for him to respond.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-04-17 01:45pm

LadyTevar wrote:If you're shy about kissing him, here's a good scenario:

Next time he finishes with your back rub, just turn and give him a little peck on the cheek and say "Thank you, that really feels good when you do it."

Nothing too overt, but it opens the way for him to respond.

But I reckon he'll just take it as a friendly kiss, and make Zaia even more confused.

Kelly Antilles · Post by **Kelly Antilles** » 2003-04-17 01:48pm

*huggles Z* Y'know. I'd like to rip him a new one for treating you like this. Give me his email. *I'LL* ask him.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 01:49pm

See, part of the problem here is that I have absolutely no idea how he treats his female friends, or even (for that matter) if he has any close female friends. I know we have a couple mutual ones, but he's already told me he doesn't want to spend any more time with them because they're extremely negative (incidentally, he's told me in the past that what he likes about me is my optimism), and the only other chicks I ever see him around are his friend's girlfriends or wives. So....I can't tell if he's treating me just like the other girlies in his life, or if he's treating me like I'm special.

Double-gah.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 01:51pm

Kelly Antilles wrote:*huggles Z* Y'know. I'd like to rip him a new one for treating you like this. Give me his email. *I'LL* ask him.

LOL, it's funny, Ando, his girlfriend, and a couple other friends of mine have offered to do the same. *hugs Kel* Thanks, babe.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-04-17 01:55pm

OK, some men need a simple bit of encouragement to take that step from being freinds to something else. I've fucked upa few freindships by taking that step and getting rejected then told that they can no longer see me as a friend because they know how I really feel and leave. He obviously enjoys your company and likes you so he's probably afraid that you haven't given him the signal to come on in. (Some men need something overt akin to you standing in front of him with a orange hard hat and a lightwand in each hand waving him in.)

Give him those signals and for god's sake don't be subtle about it. Subtelty is probably what has him in this empasse. Just tell him straight out you like the way he massages. Compliment him on how handsome he looks. You do a good job of haviong most of the guys on this board wrapped around your finger, bring some of that flirtatious charm into your RL and you will be rewarded.

If you tell him he will come.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-04-17 01:56pm

Zaia wrote:Ok, so, there's this guy that I've recently fallen in love with who I've only gotten to know over the past couple months. He takes me out on pseudo-dates but he hasn't kissed me and we haven't discussed dating, so we're not dating. We're 'friends.' I guess. Anyway, sometimes he acts like we're together (doing things like rubbing my back and playing with my hair while he's talking to me, in public or when it's just the two of us), and he says sweet things and is kind, thoughtful, etc...and we're so similar that it's almost like he's the male version of me. He's referred to us as "Frick & Frack," because, well...yeah. There's just so much of me that's the same or that identifies with him, it scares me how alike we are.

The problem is, sometimes he stops doing that stuff like he's thinking "Oh my gosh, what was I doing? She might think I like her or something!" and then he switches to 'buddy-mode' and I feel like I've been gipped. Why would he play with my hair one minute, and then--gah. I don't know. And as far as I know, he's not gay. He....I......argh. Why?

I know the only way to really know is to talk with him about it, but I'm so scared to do that. I'm so afraid this isn't what I hope it is...you know?

I'm so frustrated right now, I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!!

Sorry, just needed to vent. If you have any insights, PLEASE clue me in.

Ask him out on a real date. I mean that: go up to him and explain how you feel. Tell him that you'd like to become more than just friends with him, and if he'd be willing to go on a REAL date with you. I can't stress this enough: BE HONEST. Don't play coy, don't flirt, just be as truthful as you can. If he accepts, be glad. If he turns you down, ask why. If he doesn't want to broach a relationship with you (for whatever reason), don't try to force it, just let him be. You can always continue being friends if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-04-17 01:56pm

Zaia wrote:...I can't tell if he's treating me just like the other girlies in his life, or if he's treating me like I'm special.

Guys are obvious. Apply my hamster analogy from the second post. My opinion stands on my belief that women overTHINK these kinds of things, whereas men tend to overPLAN these kinds of things.

I think that LadyTevar's plan is, at least, something to do other than be confused. As innerbrat put it, he may not show any special reaction to you trying something affectionate, but neutrality in this case doesn't really put you off any worse than you are now.

Of course, I could just be shooting off, here. I don't know the lad, and I tend to go on a case-by-case basis. If I knew how he responded to other stimulus, I could call this in a heartbeat.

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-04-17 02:02pm

I was in a similar situation with my GF before we started dating. We were good friends and everthing and we'd hug each other all the time and even have a kiss every now and then. I'd always figured that we'd just stay friends and that we'd never get "involved" with each other, and though I'd wonder what things would be like if we dated I never could ask her out for some reason, it just seemed wrong and I just couldn't do it.

And then one day she just came out and asked me straight up if I wanted to start dating and going out with her. Well, the thing I was secretly hoping for had finally happened and all I could do was be completely stunned and at a complete loss of words. I remember stuttering like an idiot before I could string a sentence together and tell her yes, and then I just gave her a big hug because I couldn't find anymore words to say. There was quite a bit of awkwardness on my part for the next few minutes as I stuggled to come to terms with things, but she was really nice and kept me at ease enough so I didn't freak out. She must've thought I was a weirdo or something.

In any case, I think the best thing to do would be to ask him the next time he starts getting cuddly with you. Be prepared for him freaking out like I did, but as long as you can keep him from panicking you'll be fine.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-04-17 02:03pm

Stravo wrote:You do a good job of haviong most of the guys on this board wrapped around your finger, bring some of that flirtatious charm into your RL and you will be rewarded.

If you tell him he will come.

*laughs softly to self* See, I'm fabulous at flirting, but only when it's just in fun. When it means something, I'm scared out of my wits. But I'll try...and if he reacts well to that, maybe I'll scrounge up enough courage to tell him how I really feel about him. I'm just so scared he's going to run away...

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-04-17 02:14pm

Zaia wrote:
Stravo wrote:You do a good job of haviong most of the guys on this board wrapped around your finger, bring some of that flirtatious charm into your RL and you will be rewarded.

If you tell him he will come.

*laughs softly to self* See, I'm fabulous at flirting, but only when it's just in fun. When it means something, I'm scared out of my wits. But I'll try...and if he reacts well to that, maybe I'll scrounge up enough courage to tell him how I really feel about him. I'm just so scared he's going to run away...

This guy sounds a lot like something I would do, he's most likely backing up when he thinks to himself "Nope, don't want to screw up this friendship." I myself have done such a thing many times. And if he is in fact like me he's not gonna say a damn word unless you do first. My suggestion? Talk to him, subtly bring it up, get the info you need and then make your decision.

He probably likes you.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Boy-related: Gah! SO CONFUSED!!!!!!

Boy-related: Gah! SO CONFUSED!!!!!!

Re: Boy-related: Gah! SO CONFUSED!!!!!!